The Life Of D-Pad: Unlikely Heroes(Cancelled)

“There. It is finished!” Nikolas says, admiring his work. I fly around and look at his carpentry work. The stage looks fantastic.

I fly up higher to get a topical view of the stage. Looking out from the park, I see a couple of ponies setting up some stands for the party in the park. I see Adam pulling a cart with a bunch of speakers on a cart towards the stage. Vinyl and Octavia are walking behind the cart. I fly down next to Octavia and Vinyl.

“You okay up there big guy!?” I shout up to Adam.

“RUTHERFORDIUM!!” He shouts back. I am going to assume that’s a positive response.

“Can’t believe you took down a dragon!” I shout to him. “Not even the Wonderbolts were able to stop it!”

“Those weirdoes in the blue suits? You may want to tell their employer that they suck at their job!” Adam shouts back.

That may not be the best idea…considering who their employer is…

“Thanks again for hauling my DJ equipment to the stage, Adam.” Vinyl thanks Adam.

“Not a problem, but you gotta show me how to make a dishwasher like yours. I wanna wash my dishes with wubs, too.” Adam says.

We approach the stage. Adam starts lifting the equipment onto the stage.

“How the Tartarus are you that strong?” Octavia asks. “Forgive me for saying, but you don’t look exactly built for heavy lifting.”

Adam pokes his stomach. “It jiggles when I poke it.” He giggles. “Oh yeah you asked a question…uh, I guess the best answer to the question is that I’m full of surprises.”

“That…doesn’t really help.” I say.

“Bored now! Gonna go see Twilight Sparkle! Why don’t you come with me D-Pad?” Adam asks me.

“Sure, what can go wrong?” I say. I kiss Octavia on the cheek, and walk with Adam.  We walk for a few minutes. Adam shakes the hooves of a couple of ponies as we walk along.

“You and that Octavia lady make a great couple.” He comments as we walk. “You remind me of me when I had a girlfriend.”

“She’s the most wonderful pony I ever met.” I say. “I love her with all my heart.”

He smiles. “You’re going to make a good husband.” He says. He stops to look at an aquamarine unicorn mare with a white and light aquamarine mane. She is staring in amazement at Adam. She walks up to Adam and pokes him.

“Eyeeeees?” Adam says.

The unicorn squeals with delight. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! A human! A real live human!” she shouts. She grabs Adam’s hand and begins just staring at it.

“Okaaaaay…this is getting creepy.” Adam comments.

She is giggling like crazy. “So…amazing…” she gasps.

“I’m sorry miss, but we’re very busy right now.”” I say, pulling Adam away. “But if you want to come to the party in the park at 8:00 tonight, we’re going to be there.”

She continues to stare at Adam and giggle as we walk away.

“Too spooky for me.” Adam whimpers.

“Hi there, Adam. I’m glad you could make it.” Twilight Sparkle greets Adam. “Oh, hi D-Pad. I didn’t see you there.”

We walk into the library. There is a large mechanical device with flashing lights and buttons sitting in the middle of the library. Rainbow Dash is reading a book. Ah, Daring Do…one of my favorites. “Hi Rainbow Dash.” I greet her.

Rainbow Dash looks up from her book. She notices me and smiles. She then notices Adam and puts her head back down. “Something wrong?” I ask. She mumbles something about Adam gloating.

“HI RAINBOW DASH!” Adam shouts.

She sighs and walks over to Adam. “Go on, just get it over with.” She grumbles.

“Excuse me?” Adam asks.

“Go on and gloat. I couldn’t take down a dragon, and you manage to do it by yourself. Just gloat already so I can get on with my day.” She grumbles.

“…you know I really like your mane.” Adam complements her.

She raises an eyebrow at Adam. “Well, go on…gloat.” She says.

“You know, you remind of a girlfriend I used to date. Very determined girl. Loved to be the best at anything she could. I remember beating her at a game of chess.” Adam laughs. “You…you should have seen her. She was fuming. Oh, did she hate losing. It took me days for me to finally get her to go and get some ice cream with me. But there’s one thing that I never did when I beat her. And that was gloat. Everyone loses and has their off days. Today was just your day. Trust me; I had quite a few of those days myself.” Adam tells Rainbow Dash. He smiles at her. Rainbow Dash brightens up and grins back at him.

“You’re pretty cool, Adam. Strange as Tartarus, but cool.” She complements Adam.

Adam walks over to the device. “What even is this thing, Twilight?” Adam asks.

“Put this helmet on.” Twilight Sparkle instructs him. Adam places the helmet on his head and straps it on. It is connected to the machine with wires. Twilight places a helmet on her head, which is also connected to the machine with wires. “Now, how would you describe your mind to the normal pony?” She asks Adam.

“A jumbled mess of OH GOD WHY!!!” I reply.

“Exactly. With this machine, I am going to examine what exactly goes on inside your head.” She says, pushing a bunch on buttons on the machine.

“Is this gonna warp my fragile little mind? Cause even if this isn’t one of the most used things on my body, I still need it.” Adam says.

“Of course not, this is perfectly safe.” She replies. “I’ve had time to test this on a couple other ponies, and no ill effects have been reported.”

She presses a large blue button on the machine. “Now, first we do a test. Think of any word you know. Don’t say it, but think it.” They both stand still for a few seconds. “…Tupperware?” She asks.

“Sexiest word in the English language.” Adam replies.

“Right…well, let’s metaphorically dive into you mind.” She says. She presses a few more buttons. She begins writing some things down on a clipboard. “Condition is nominal; we are beginning our test with a memory of…”

She suddenly stops and drops the clipboard and pencil. Her eyes dilate. She suddenly has the biggest grin I have ever seen on her face.

“DESKS!” She shouts. “PUMPERNICKLE!!”

“Uh…you okay Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asks, walking over to Twilight.

Twilight slams her head against the floor multiple times. “RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD!” She half sings half shouts. She then lays on the floor and makes vrooming noises.

“It’s official. Twilight Sparkle has flipped her lid.” I say.

“I’m sorry; I’m not here to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!” Twilight says.

“Is that supposed to happen?” Adam asks.

“…wabbajack…waaaaaaaaaaaabbajack…” Twilight murmurs, sliding across the floor. She then places her head against Adam’s leg. “Brush heavy’s hair.” She commands, with an accent similar to the accent that Nikolas has.

“Is this because I’m thinking this?” Adam asks.

“BRUSH IT…NOW!” She shouts in the accent.

“BUT I DON’T HAVE A BRUSH!” Adam shouts back.

What follows is a small chase between the two. Adam is running away from Twilight, who is hollering incoherently. Adam runs into the machine, smacking his head into the large blue button.

Twilight begins shaking her head. “Ugh…my head hurts…What happened?” She asks.

“WHY YOU CHASE MEH!!” Adam shouts, trying to climb a bookcase.

“You kinda lost it for a bit. You did some weird things, including banging your head on the floor.” I say.

“Well that solves one mystery.” Twilight says, rubbing her head.

“Can I come down now?” Adam asks, fully perched on a bookcase.

“Get down from there! We still need to get back to the stage and finish setting up!” I exclaim.

Adam leaps down from the bookcase. “Don’t forget! 8:00 tonight. Bring your friends to the park. It gon be good.” Adam says to Rainbow Dash and Twilight.

Adam takes off his helmet, and we both walk out of the library.

“…So you just place what songs you want to hear in the queue and press play. I let you sample some of mai freaky fresh beats.”

I hand Vinyl my laptop. She plugs her headphones into the laptop. Nikolas and I start moving the speakers into places marked by tape. It is evening, and the sun has fully set. The stage and the surrounding area are lit up by means of spotlights. After the speakers are in place, we start connecting them to the DJ booth. After a half an hour, the stage is set up and ready for awesomesauseness. I set up a mic stand at the front of the stage.

“Zamechatel'no! It’s perfect!” Nikolas exclaims, stepping down and admiring the stage.

“Dude! You have some awesome dubstep on this! Where did’ja get it!?” Vinyl asks me, taking her headphones off.

“I bought the music.” I reply, jumping off the stage. “Yeah, I got the good shit on there. Skrillex…Zomboy…even some Knife Party.”

She walks offstage and admires the stage with us. “Great job, guys!” She says, high-fiving us.

“Anypony order a couple of beer kegs!?” D-Pad shouts from behind us.

I look back and see D-Pad and Octavia pulling a cart with several kegs in it…ooooooooh… that sweet nectar.

“Oh, thank God, Jesus, and all of the saints in heaven.” I say, as I start unloading the kegs.

Octavia unhitches herself from the cart. “Hey, we need to get everything in place. It’s about an hour to 8:00.” She says, rolling a keg.

“Okay. Let’s move these over to the bar stand.” I say, picking up two kegs and putting them on my shoulders.

The rest of the group grabs a keg and transports it to a small bar stand. A bartender pony takes them from us and starts to set up the stand.

“Is the stage set up?” D-Pad asks.

I hop onto the stage, and grab the mic stand. “Testing…one two…” I speak into the microphone. “Nik! Gimme a beat.”

Nikolas starts beat-boxing a simple beat.

“Now, walk up to the club like, “What up? I got a big cock!” I'm so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop. Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty. That people like, “Damn! That's a cold ass honkey.” I start singing.

“Hey, that was on your laptop. “Thrift Shop”, right?” Vinyl comments.

“DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!” I shout. “Well, it works. What now?”

“Now…we get ready to party…” Nikolas says.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD EVENING, PONYVILLE!!” I shout to the crowd.

The response is deafening. Hundreds of ponies start cheering at everyone onstage. D-Pad is standing by me onstage. I look at Nikolas. He mouths the word “eight”. I give him an okay signal with my hands and grab the microphone.

“Great to be here, I tell ya.” I say into the mic. “We got a great show for you guys. We got music, we got beer…Hell, we even have the best DJ here.” I point over to Vinyl, to which the crowd cheers again. Vinyl connects my laptop to her DJ booth. She begins to play a Song. Oh yes…Knife party…Fire Hive…Start out with a kick ass bass beat…Oh my God, the look on D-Pads face…He loves it.

“LET’S ABANDON PROGRAM!!” I shout with the song.

BLAST THE BASS!! OH GOD YES!! I start bobbing my head to the beat. D-Pad joins me, and the crowd soon follows suit. I start jumping around like an idiot. Thankfully, D-Pad and Octavia join me in my silly jumping. To make things even better, the crowd begins to jump with me.  I can’t believe this…I’M A THING!! The beat dies down for an interlude.

“Everybody! SAY IT WITH ME!!” I shout.

“LET’S ABANDON PROGRAM!!!” The crowd shouts. The bass begins to blare out of the speakers again. I start pumping my fist in the air to the beat. Vinyl begins tossing glow sticks to the crowd. She hands me three glow sticks. I begin to dance in place, with a glow stick in both hands, and one in my mouth. The song ends, and the crowd applauds.

…This is gonna be the best night EVER!!

“THANK YOU FOR COMING! YOU’VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD!!” Adam shouts to the crowd.

I watch as the crowd leaves the park. Some of the ponies are staggering out of the park, leaning on another pony, or falling over. Looks like a couple of ponies had a great time. Wow…I’m still pumped and active. That party was awesome!

“Great job, everypony!” I shout to everypony onstage with me. “I say this party was a big hit!”

Twilight Sparkle walks onto the stage with us. “Phenomenal party, eveypony. I had a great time.” She complements us.

“Thanks, we had fun putting the thing together.” Adam says. He jumps down from the stage and walks over to the bar stand.

Rainbow Dash walks over to the stage. “I have to admit, some of those rock songs weren’t too bad.” She says. “You guys did pretty well.”

“Pretty well? We rocked the fuck out of Ponyville.” Nikolas laughs.

“I concur, this party has been…well, for lack of better words…bucking amazing.” Octavia agrees. “This is the most fun I have had in a while.”

“I’d have to say, that is one of the better bashes I’ve thrown.” Vinyl admits.

“By the way, who was that pink pony with the puffy mane? She seems very energetic and random.” Nikolas asks.

“That would be Pinkie Pie.” I say.

“She’s just like Adam. I would love to see what those two would do if they met each other.” Nikolas comments.

“Right after he’s getting done being chased by that aquamarine unicorn.” I laugh. “Did you see how she reacted when he let her hold his hand? Wouldn’t let go for anything. Adam started running away, with the unicorn hanging on to him. I thought we were gonna need a crowbar to pry them apart.”

Everypony starts laughing. Adam walks back to the stage carrying two kegs. “What’s so funny? YOUR LAUGHING AT MY EXPENCE, AREN’T YOU!?”  Adam shouts.

“Oh, Adam…let me touch your hand.” I mimic the unicorn.

“SHADDUP! THAT PONY WAS SPOOKY! LIKE SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS!!” Adam shouts.

“What’s with the kegs?” Nikolas asks.

“Got any red solo cups?” Adam asks.

“Oh here we go!” Nikolas exclaims happily.

“Now where can we set up for the after party?” Adam ponders.

“You do realize that its 10:00 right? Shouldn’t we get some rest?” Octavia asks.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Nikolas says.

“Party don’t stop to the sun comes up, baby.” Adam says in a suave voice.

“I’m up for it. We can use my house.” Vinyl says, jumping of the stage.

“Vinyl! First of all, it’s OUR house. And second of all, you can’t just invite ponies over without my permission.” She growls.

“It’s fine. We can find another place.” Adam says.

“Pleeeeeeeeeeese Octavia.” Vinyl begs. Her lip starts quivering as she tries to make herself look more innocently cute.

“…Fine…” Octavia sighs.

“Awesome! You’re the best!” Vinyl says, hugging Octavia.

“What have I gotten myself into?” Octavia mumbles.

“Hey, it’s fine.” I say to Octavia. “Maybe you should join them. It could be fun. I’m going.”

“Well, I don’t really have anything to do, and it has been a while since we’ve had a drink together.” She says, trying to make light of things.

“I might as well go; I got nothing better to do.” Rainbow Dash comments.

“I guess a drink couldn’t hurt…” Twilight Sparkle states.

“AWESOMESAUCE!” Adam shouts.

“Lead the way, Vinyl.” Nikolas says.

“No, under does not technically rhyme with shudder. It’s a near rhyme.” I say, taking a swig of beer from my red solo cup.

So, here we are. Sitting in the backyard of a small white house, drinking beer, and singing. We’re actually singing because of an idea I thought of from watching old reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway. Right now we’re singing some Irish drinking songs.

“I thought it was.” D-Pad states.

“Near rhymes work for this game.  Let’s start again.” I say.

Everyone raises their glasses. “OOOOooooooooh…Eye de dye de dye de dye de dye de dye de dye!” We all sing as we swing our glasses.

“I ‘member once in Amsterdam…” I begin.

“I met a bonnie lass…” Nikolas follows up.

“Her eyes are blue as the skyline…” Octavia continues.

“Her legs as smooth as grass.” D-Pad finishes the first verse.

“We had a couple cocktails…” Vinyl begins the second verse.

“And finished up with wine…” Twilight continues.

“That’s when the lass did show me…” Rainbow Dash follows.

“A dick that’s bigger than mine!” I finish.

We were not able to continue on with that, for we are laughing too hard.

“Now try to aim the ball into one of the cups of beer.” I say to Rainbow Dash and Vinyl Scratch.

So, as of right now, we are showing the ponies how to play beer pong. Luckily, Twilight had a long enough folding table to substitute as a ping pong table. Spike, her assistant WHO IS ALSO A DRAGON…well, baby dragon…brought it over to Vinyl and Octavia’s house. I watch as the two try to land the ball into the cups of Vinyl and D-Pad.

“So, tell me about yourself, Spike.” Nikolas asks Spike.

“Oh, well…I’m Twilight’s number one assistant.” He says. “I help her keep the library in order. I also deliver and receive messages from the princess of Equestria.”

“Like, you just mail them through your postal service?” I ask.

“AW YEAH! DRINK UP, D-PAD!” Rainbow Dash shouts.

“Well, I actually use my magical fire breath to send…”

“Whoa, hang on there! Magical fire breath?! This is new! Why is this now a thing?!” I exclaim.

“Okay, so your fire breath sends mail to the princess. That’s cool.” Nikolas comments.

“NIIIIiiiIIIK! WHY YOU NO ASK HOW HE BREATHES MAGIC FIRE!!” I shout.

“Why not?” Nikolas retorts.

“I…cannot offer a rebuttal to that.” I say, calmly.

“Man that…that last game was in-intense…” I say, staggering over to Adam.

“I’d say someone isn’t very good at this game.” He comments.

“Oh shush.” I say. “I very gooood at this game.”

“You and Rainbow Dash are not very good at this game.” Nikolas comments.

“Shu-shuddup…” Rainbow Dash sputters. “I doin fine.”

“Actually, anyone know where we can set up a fire?” Adam asks.

“Yeah, over there” Octavia says, pointing over to a fire pit a few meters away. There is a pile of wood next to it.  “It’s our fire pit we made a couple weeks back.”

“Perfect. Just cool enough for a warm fire.” Adam says, licking one of his fingers and putting it up in the air.

I am quite impressed on how Nikolas was able to get the fire started. Nikolas grabbed some steel thing and a rock from his pocket. He struck the rock on the steel thing, and it started making sparks. He used some old newspapers Vinyl had to make a small flame, which he used to start the wood that Adam placed in the fire pit on fire.

We are currently clapping our hooves to a steady beat as Nikolas and Adam are dancing about a meter away from the fire.

“IIAAM GETTING DRUNK ALL NIGHT! AAIM GETTEN DRUNK ALL DAY! Adam sings.

“AAAIM GETTING DRUNK ALL NIGHT! IM SORRY BUDI HAVTA SAY…” Nikolas sings.

“I’M TOO DRUNK TO FUCK!” We all sing.

We all start laughing. Adam and Nikolas sit down by the fire.

“THAT…Tha is one o my fa-favorid sthongs.” Nikolas sputters.

“Eryup.” Adam burps. “Ish a good shong

“I…am…incrl…increbly habby right now.” Twilight manages to say.

“I havin feld this go-good in laong time.” Rainbow Dash slurs.

“I…yes, I…feeeeel reaaaaly…good…ragh noh…” Octavia sputters.

“You g-guys are shooooo…weak.” Vinyl slurs. “I’ve…Ibeen drunker dan dis…andi still wath still aber to…walk.”

“I…clam…noangon…claim…burshit.” I sputter.

I gotta pee. I stagger over to a large bush where everypony cannot see me and begin to relieve myself. Oh sweet sensation. Now if the ground would stop spinning, we’d be gold.

“Hay thar *hic* Shexshy.” I hear Octavia slur behind me.

“Aah! Ot-Ocdabia! Whad are you…”

She then kisses me full on the mouth. She slides her tongue around in my mouth. This would be very passionate if we weren’t drunk off our flanks right now. She then turns around with her flank to me.

“I din know bout you…but Iam nod  too drunk to ffffffffuck…”

…Am I really going to do this? We’re not in our right minds. AND I AM SO PLOWING THAT ASS!!

“Din…Din Tavi jus…go over der a few minis ago?” Vinyl slurs.

I stand up, albeit a little wobbly. I walk over to the brush and that the two went over to…

“OH CELESTIA, YES!!” Octavia squeals with delight as she is…uh…uuuuuh…

I did not need to see that. I did NOT need to see THAT. I walk back to the fire.

“Whuappen?” Nikolas asks.

“Coitus happn.”I reply.

Nikolas begins laughing out loud. “Lahke righd naow?!” He laughs.

The ponies begin to laugh as well.

…can’t believe I’m doing this...

I am carrying a sleeping D-Pad and Octavia into the house. I lay them on the couch I manage to find in the dark. I look at the clock. 2:00 P.M. Good thing I had time to sober up a little bit. Course, there’s not much use to be able to form complete sentences again, as everyone is asleep. I drink a couple glasses of water, sneak a few pieces of bread, and head back outside. Nikolas is sleeping next to the smoldering fire. I dump some of my water onto the fire, putting it out.

Would you look at that sky…beautiful…I’ll give this place one thing, they sure have a stunning night sky. I eat the bread I “borrowed” from the house and continue to look up at the sky. Huuuuuuuagh…you know…I could fall asleep…to…this…view…