My Little Raptor

"Who the Hell makes a house out of candy?" I asked, looking at the town. Luckily, my vision has gotten way better thanks to these dinosaur eyes. And right now, I saw a gingerbread house, an actual house made of gingerbread. Wonder what it tastes like.

"Oh yeah, SugarCube Corner. That's where Mr. and Mrs. Cake live and work, same with Pinkie Pie."

Really? Pinkie Pie. I mean, I get Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, even Mr. and Mrs. Cake, but Pinkie Pie? Who the Hell comes up with these names? A five year old?

"Speaking of Pinkie!" A voice yelled behind me, making me yelp, and whip my tail towards the attacker, only to feel air. Suddenly a hoof went on my head, and started to rub it. "Wow, you have a scaly head mister dragon. Where are your spikes?" How in the bloody Hell did she get in front of me without me hearing or seeing her?

I looked up to see a Pink mare, with party balloons for a ass tattoo. What's up with the fucking ass tattoos around here? I could practically feel the happiness radiating from her. We were going to be real friends.

"Piss off!" I growled, shaking my head, making her hoof come off. "Bloody pink horses." I said in a British accent. Yep, real friends.

"I'm Pinkie Pie, mister Dragon. Do you like parties, I love parties. I also love cupcakes and cookies and pie and cake and ice cream and-" I put my scaled claws on her mouth, and looked her straight in the eye.

"Please stop talking." I said, making her stop. "Now, I'm going to let go of your mouth, and when I do, I want you to be quite, until I tell you who and what I am, got it?"

She nodded, and I let go. "My name's Dartagnen Drake Agundez, Dart for short. I was a human, but now I'm a Velociraptor, a type of dinosaur. I'm not a bloody dragon, because I can't breathe fire or fly, nor am I a iguana, so don't ask. Now you can talk."

"You're a weird dragon. Like really weird. Spike isn't as weird as you, but he's plenty weird since he's friends with us and his mom is a Alicorn. Then again, how many Alicorns have sons or daughters as baby dragons. Anyway, my name's Pinkie, do you like pie?"

"You officially are my friend. You said the magic word; pie." I said, walking to a apple orchard. I looked around. DAYUM! Ponies must like apples. Bow Chika Bow Wow.

"You shouldn't go in there." Fluttershy said in a soft tone.

"Why can't I?" I asked, looking at Fluttershy. I looked up a tree, and jumped onto one of it's branches easily. "Weird, that usually takes...longer..." I said, before I facepalmed. I'm a fucking Velociraptor, I can jump pretty high. I then started to grab a apple when I heard voices.

I ignored them, and grabbed the apple. I inspected it, making sure it wasn't all messed up. I smiled, then bit into it, watching out for any ponies that might attack me from the sky...what? They have fucking wings. All I have are a few feathers on my head, and light bones for agility. Not to mention I work better in a pack.

I noticed the voices again, and noticed some barrels under the tree. Wonder what those are for. The tree then started to shake, making me screech, sounding like the Raptors from Jurassic Park.

"Come down 'ere and face me like a stallion!" A southern, female voice said, then the tree shook again. I felt my grip loosening, and fell off.

"Fuck Muffins!" I said, before I face planted. "Sorry, should've listened to Flutters."

"Well, maybe you should listen...more..." She said, then, the dust cleared to show a mare, orange fur, blond hair, apples for a ass tattoo, and a cowboy hat. I'm from California, so I don't know much about hats, but that is a Stetson, my Grandma gave me one.

"Hi, my name is-son of a bitch!" I said, clutching my tender area. The HELL did she buck me there for?

"Sorry, Ah didn't mean that!" The cowpony said.

"It's alright, I wasn't planning on having any kids 'til I got married." I said, flipping over. "Son of a bitch, that hurts like Hell!" I said, roaring in pain.

I saw her blushing once I finished the kids line. She must've figured that one out, maybe she should've figured out NOT TO KICK ME IN THE FUCKIN' BALLS!

"Sorry, Ah didn't mean that! Maybe Fluttershy will help ya!" She said, and speak of the Devil, Fluttershy ran to me, worry etched on her face.

"Hey, don't touch there!" I yelped as she attempted to touch the injured area. "Look, I just got bucked by a cowpony, I don't want someone else to touch my kid maker." I said, making the two mares blush.

"Wait, did AppleJack just kick your...?" Rainbow asked, looking at me. I nodded, making Rainbow blush, but start laughing.

"Alright, it's settled, I'm going to eat your children." I said, pointing at Rainbow. "And you, I smelled pie." I said, looking at AJ.

"Well, we were makin' some pies when I heard a chewing noise. So, I came to check it out, only to buck a tree and see a dragon.

"First off, I'm not a god damn dragon, I'm a dinosaur known as a Velociraptor, which means 'Fast Thief'. Second, may I please have some pie?" I said, growling in annoyance.

"Hiya!" A voice yelled in my ears, making a ringing sound.

"Shit! My ears! God dammit! My ears, can't hear anything! Now I'm deaf, son of a bitch, I knew this would happen! This is what I get for hanging around a physic defying pink pony." I said, plugging my ears with my hands...claws...whatever the fuck they are, trying to stop the ringing. Once I could hear, I smiled. "Yay for hearing!"

"He's a weird one." AJ said, Pinkie bouncing along side her, smiling.

"I have ADHD, which is a medical disorder, I get distracted easily and-oh something shiny!" I said, sniffing the ground. I then started to dig, only to find a gem. "Holy shit! I'm going to get so much money for this one."

"Yep, he's a weird one." I heard AJ say, but I ignored her. Suddenly, the gem flew out of my grasp, and roll into the trees.

"What just happened?" I asked, looking at the others for confirmation that the breeze hit a large gem out of my grasp, and into a apple orchard. This place is fucked up.