SPQR

Chapter 3

Puddinghead Memorial Hospital, Ponyville

It had been quite some time since Gaius last ate something, so as a consequence he was beginning to feel extremely lethargic. Oh what he wouldn’t give for a large goblet of mead and a roasted chicken! Sadly though, he couldn’t expect his vegetarian hosts to serve such a dish. Who ever heard of a horse eating meat? With a defeated sigh and rumbling stomach, he buried his face into the pillow.

Apple Bloom noticed his discomfort and nudged her sister. “He sure looks miserable, do ya think an apple might cheer ‘im up?”

“Well ah reckon it wouldn’t hurt none. Ah bet the poor fella is a might hungry anyway.”

Apple Bloom fished around inside her sister’s saddlebags and found a shiny red delicious apple. As gently as she could, the little filly grasped the apple with her teeth and set it next to Gaius’s leg. Just to make sure that he noticed, Apple Bloom nudged his leg with her muzzle. Immediately he perked up upon seeing the fruity treat and smiled at Apple Bloom.

Gaius petted her mane. “Thank you little one, I was getting hungry.”

The filly seemed to flinch ever so slightly at the physical contact but after a few seconds of Gaius scratching behind her ears, she let out a soft grunt and leaned towards his hand. The centurion laughed knowing that he would have gotten chewed out by his men for doting on a filly.

To make sure she understood, he grabbed the apple and held it in front of her before taking a big bite out of it. This was just what he needed. The apple had the perfect amount of sweetness to it, with just a hint of tart. Once he was done devouring the apple, he patted the filly’s head once more.

Applejack smiled. “Aww now ain’t that precious? Ah think he likes ya Bloom.”

Apple Bloom blushed. “H-he’s just thanking me fer that apple. And…well he knows where all the itchy spots are behind mah ears. Ah can’t help it!”

“Don’t worry none sugarcube, ah can tell that he means ya no harm. Come ta think of it, he did look kind o’ miserable earlier. Maybe he really was hungry?”

Babs nodded in agreement. “I know I would be, if I tried attacking a Timber wolf. But, you’d think the nurses would give him some food by now. How’s come they haven’t?”

“Ah ain’t a doctor but it’s likely that they didn’t know what he eats. That’s why they’ve got ‘im hooked up to an IV bag.”

Twilight trotted back into the room accompanied by Lyra. The minty unicorn’s saddle bags were laden with research materials and a myriad of different books. Her expression lightened considerably once she dropped her saddlebags onto the floor.

Twilight waved. “Hi girls, how’s our gest doing?”

Applejack clicked her tongue. “Hasn’t been any trouble at, in fact ah think he’s taken a likin’ ta Bloom.”

“Well that’s a relief. I was worried he might try to escape again.”

“Ya can hardly blame ‘im Twi. He’s clearly outta his element. Although he seems ta be feelin’ better now that we gave ‘im an apple.”

Twilight grimaced. “AJ we can’t just give him random food! We have no idea what his dietary needs are. For all you know, apples could be poisonous to him!”

Lyra held her hoof up. “Your highness, if I may interject?”

“Oh…yes please do Ms. Heartstrings. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to yell at you AJ.”

“It’s alright; ah know you’re new at this sort o’ thing.”

Lyra cleared her throat. “Hmm this creature’s anatomy is remarkably similar to a minotaur’s. However, it seems that he has significantly less fur. Princess Twilight, you mentioned that he spoke in another language?”

“Umm yes, I can’t seem to understand anything he says. Oh and by the way you can just call me Twilight. I’m kind of…uncomfortable with using the same title as Princess Celestia.”

“Very well. I might have a temporary solution to our communication issues. It’s a spell that sets equine brainwaves to other species, so that way I can speak the native language without having to learn it.”

“That sounds almost too good to be true.”

“Well actually, it is. As I said, it’s only temporary so I’d have to keep re-casting about every three days. Eventually we’re going to have to teach him Equestrian.”

Twilight put her wing on Lyra’s back. “Just make sure to be extremely careful when casting your spell. He seems to get really nervous around spells. Honestly though, I can’t say that I blame him too much.”

Lyra nodded. “I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

Gaius gritted his teeth in annoyance. He felt like a curious child around a bunch of whispering adults. They would discuss things and he, of course, would have no idea what was going on. Just as he was about to punch the wall, he noticed the green pony enveloping his body in a strange golden aura. He squinted expecting the worst and was surprised that he merely felt a tingling sensation throughout his entire body.

The green pony smiled at him. “Hi! Can you understand me?”

Gaius nearly fell out of his bed. “W-what!? How is this possible? I can understand you!”

“Well, yes that’s the idea. Don’t be alarmed, the spell I casted lets us understand each other. It’s completely harmless.”

Gaius rubbed his temples. “I’m sorry for being so rude…it’s been a long day for me.”

“I understand. So I guess introductions are in order?”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Good afternoon, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I live in the town near where you saved those three fillies, it’s called Ponyville. Oh and…I’m also a princess.”

“Ah well it’s a pleasure to meet you. I am Gaius Septimus, Centurion in the Emperor’s legion.”

“Centurion? Is that some kind of military title?”

“Indeed it is. You mentioned that you were a princess, is this correct?”

“Yes…why do you ask?”

Gaius rubbed his chin. “Forgive my insolence but if you are a princess, where are your royal trappings?”

Twilight blushed. “Oh…well I uhh…don’t really feel comfortable wearing my regalia.”

Applejack interjected. “The one thing ya gotta understand about Twi is that she’s real modest. That and she just recently got coronated, so she ain’t used ta wearing her fancy jewelry yet.”

“I see, well I’ll try my best to be respectful. My apologies your highness. Might I ask who you are Miss…?”

“The name’s Applejack, but ya can me AJ fer short. Ah run an apple farm near Ponyville.”

Apple Bloom jumped onto the bed. “And I’m Apple Bloom! I’m one o’ the fillies ya saved from the Timber wolf, along with mah cousin Babs. We’re real grateful that ya came when ya did, otherwise we’d be wolf chow.”

“Ah so you’re the one that gave me that wonderful apple. Thanks for that, I was beginning to get very hungry.”

Apple Bloom rubbed the back of her neck. “Aww shucks it was nothin’.”

Twilight pointed to Lyra. “And this is the unicorn that’s going to take care of you Mr. Septimus. Her name is Lyra Heartstrings and she’s what you would call our…exotic species expert.”

Gaius’s eyebrow rose. “Take care of me? What? Am I a pet now?”

“Oh I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to imply that you were! As you might have noticed, we ponies aren’t used to umm…creatures such as yourself. She’s going to give you a place to stay and teach you our language, customs, and how to write.”

Lyra smiled. “Mr. Septimus, I know this may come as a shock to you but in our culture you are considered a mythical creature. It is my duty to make sure that your stay in Equestria goes as smoothly as possible, for whatever duration that may be.”

“Very well then…Lyra, I shall accept your hospitality. Staying in a dwelling is preferable to setting up camp in the woods.”

Babs’s mouth dropped. “You were gonna stay in the Everfree? That’s totally bad ass!”

AJ scowled. “Ya best watch yer tongue young mare, ‘fore ah have ta wash it out with soap.”

“I’m not certain I understand what a donkey has to do with making camp. Perhaps they are used as pack animals here as well?”

Twilight cringed. “NO! I mean, they aren’t pack animals. They are intelligent like us but a lot of ponies don’t see them that way…”

Gaius held up his pointer finger. “Ah so they’re slaves! Any successful empire is founded on the muscle of manual labor. It seems that your Equestria is no different.”

“H-how could you even say something so horrible!? Slavery has been abolished for thousands of years. What kind of horrible society uses…”

AJ stuck her hoof in Twilight’s mouth. “Simmer down sugarcube, just take a deep breath. We can’t assume his customs are anythin’ like ours. Maybe his kind are like the Minotaurs and can’t use magic, so they gotta use muscle to do everythin’.”

Twilight took a few deep breaths. “You’re right…I just can’t believe his kind would enslave intelligent creatures to do their bidding. Nopony should be subjected to that.”

By the time Twilight had gathered her wits, Gaius had already donned his armor and weapons. Once he secured the leather strap on his helmet, he began to make his way out the door. Lyra, noticing his haste, was quick to follow lest there be any further incidents. Twilight’s wings flared out in frustration as she yelled at Gaius.

“We’re not done talking about slavery yet!”

Gaius shrugged. “I’m sorry your highness, but I’m not a big fan of discussing politics. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

Ponyville, en route to Lyra’s apartment

As Gaius and his unicorn companion walked the streets of Ponyville, they were gawked at by the town’s curious inhabitants. Lyra was thankful that the centurion’s presence hadn’t started a massive panic. Remembering what happened in Appleloosa with the buffalo, Lyra knew just how xenophobic ponies could be.

Lyra blew a strand of mane away from her face. “Princess Twilight seemed really upset with you. Don’t you feel bad about ignoring her?”

“Mmm not particularly, no. Like I said, I don’t enjoy discussing politics. I’m a soldier, not a senator.”

“Since when was slavery considered part of the legislative process?”

“Look, I don’t know how you little horses deal with free will but the Roman Empire needs slaves. They are property, and they are generally treated well…at least from the ones I’ve seen.”

Lyra huffed. “Fine, I’ll leave it at that. After all, we’ve got plenty of time to learn about each other’s prospective cultures.”

Just as Gaius was about to respond, a pink pony bounced in front of them. In all his years, he had never seen a horse bounce. How was that even physically possible? Judging from the pony’s garish coloring (and lack of a certain part), Gaius deduced it was a mare. His musings were cut short when she stretched her neck to look at him.

Pinkie grinned. “*Squee* Ooooooh my gosh what are you? You must be new here and that means I don’t know you. And if I don’t know you that means…YOU NEED A PARTY!”

Gaius stammered. “Whu…?”

Pinkie grabbed his hand and shook it violently. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name, Mr. Monkey Thing?”

“Monkey thing? Erm no, my name is Gaius Septimus and I’m part of…”

“Look at that shiny sword you have! Aaaand you’re wearing a helmet, just like the guards. Twilight’s brother is a guard too…or he was until he married Princess Cadence. Hmm I guess that makes him the Prince consort now. Oh well!”

Gaius frowned at Lyra. “Does she ever stop talking?”

“Not really…”

Gaius tried to respond but Pinkie suddenly appeared behind him, wearing his helmet. “Cool, I’ve always wanted to wear one of these! Although you should probably clean it out, it smells like sweat.”

Growling in frustration, Gaius grabbed his helmet. “Listen pink horse, I’m well aware of my state of uncleanliness. Gods know that I could use bath, but please could you be silent for just a few seconds?”

Pinkie giggled. “Silly Gaius, my name’s not pink horse! It’s Pinkie Pie!”

“Ok, fine Pinkie Pie. Just please be quiet so I can gather my thoughts.”

Pinkie gasped. “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD GATHER THOUGHTS!”

Lyra face hoofed. “Pinkie it’s not literal, they aren’t…”

“I like happy thoughts the best; maybe I should gather them first. Oh and I bet I could put them in cupcakes. HAPPY CAKES…mmm yummy~”

While Pinkie continued to drone on about “Love Sprinkles”, Gaius unsheathed his sword and struck the back of Pinkie’s head with its pommel. The party mare immediately crumpled to the ground, drooling out of the corner of her mouth. Lyra stared at him, with her mouth agape.

Gaius shrugged. “What? It got her to be quiet didn’t it?”

“Mr. Septimus, we are not a violent species. You can’t just go around whacking ponies whenever they get on your nerves…even if it was Pinkie Pie.”

“I won’t, so long as they aren’t as annoying as she was.”

Lyra led Gaius to an average looking two story house, which sported a wooden sign displaying various pieces of candy. The unicorn was careful not to knock on the door too loudly, so as not to disturb her easily excitable earth pony landlord. With an amused snort, Lyra realized that Bon Bon would still freak out when she saw her new guest.

“Hey Bons I’m back from the hospital!”

Bon Bon trotted to the door, wearing a pink cooking apron. “Welcome back Lyra, I was just about to put the finishing touches on some pecan pralines.”

Lyra rubbed the back of her mane. “I’ll have to try some later. Hey can you promise me something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“You have to promise me that you won’t freak out, no matter what you see.”

Bon Bon narrowed her eyes. “Lyra…you know I don’t like surprises.”

“I know, but this is kind of important. We’re going to have a guest staying here for a while.”

“Lyra what aren’t you telling me?”

Lyra bit her lip. “Umm well you see Bons…he’s a human. Mr. Septimus you can go ahead and come in now!”

Gaius nodded at the earthpony. “Greetings, I take it you are Lyra’s friend?”

Bon Bon fell straight on her rump. “BY CELESTIA’S SACRED SNATCH IT’S A REAL HUMAN!”

“Shhhh Bons don’t yell it so loud, you’ll create a scene.”

“A scene Lyra? Is that what you’re truly worried about? I can’t believe this! What could have possibly motivated you to bring such a dangerous creature into my shop?”

“Bons, think of the opportunity we have. We could learn so much from him. Besides, he doesn’t seem that dangerous to me.”

“There’s a sword on his belt, so of course he’s dangerous. The only kind of pony that needs to carry a weapon is one that knows how to kill.”

Lyra groveled at Bon Bon’s hooves. “Please just give him a chance. That’s all I’m asking. Everypony deserves at least one chance right?”

Bon Bon sighed. “I know I’m going to regret this, but fine he can stay. However, there shall be a few conditions.”

“Yeeeeesss! Ok, name them.”

“If the human is to stay here, he must pull his weight. That means he has to either get a job and pay me a predetermined sum of bits, or help me around the shop. Second, if you intend to perform any strange experiments with the human, you must do so with my consent. Are we clear?”

Lyra bounced up and down. “Crystal clear! Hey Mr. Septimus did you get all that?”

“Yes and I agree to the terms. I promise I shall pay you in coin or labor for your hospitality. Let’s just say that I’m not exactly a fan of freeloaders, and I refuse to become one myself.”

Bon Bon smiled. “Ah well that’s good. It seems that you and share a similar viewpoint, Mr. Septimus.”

Gaius nodded. “Indeed, for an idle body leads to an idle mind. Hmm…speaking of bodies, mine is in dire need of nourishment.”

“Well I did just get done cooking up some pralines.”

“I apologize, but I think it’s going to take a bit more than a few sweets to satisfy me. Some hot rabbit stew would do the trick.”

Bon Bon paled. “Oh, I didn’t realize humans ate meat.”

Lyra pointed to Gaius’s mouth. “Well duh! They have canines see!”

“Y-you humans don’t eat ponies…do you?”

Gaius shook his head. “Not unless we were desperate. Ponies are far too useful to eat.”

“Useful? I’m not sure I understand.”

“Ponies and horses are a mode of transport for my people as well as instruments of war. It is a partnership between man and beast. For the amount of effort it takes to train them, it would be counterproductive to eat them. We have other animals for that.”

Bon Bon groaned. “So we’re just beasts to you?”

Gaius rubbed his temples. “I didn’t mean to imply that you were brute beasts. It’s simply…difficult for me to accept that other creatures have intelligence equal to a man.”

Lyra rubbed Bon Bon’s back. “He’s new to Equestria Bons, it’ll take some time for him to get used to our culture is all. I’m sure he doesn’t think we’re dumb animals.”

Bon Bon noticed Gaius walking towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going out to find some saplings as well as some rope.”

“Why do you need those?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted rabbit stew. The only way to make rabbit stew is to catch some, and to catch them I need to make a few snares.”

Before either of the mares could protest, the Roman was already walking down the street. It seemed that he was headed towards the Everfree forest, which coincidently was the same direction as Fluttershy’s cottage. Lyra felt a knot in her stomach form, as she galloped towards her human guest. Poor Fluttershy was in for a rather unpleasant surprise.