SPQR

Chapter 5

Lyra’s Apartment, Ponyville

Gaius and Lyra were seated at a small desk trying to go over a few introductory books on Equestrian written script, while Chrysalis was busy lounging on a big red couch nearby. The changeling queen had opted to disguise herself as a charcoal coated unicorn filly with dark green eyes and a viridian tinted mane. This was so she could claim to be a visiting cousin of the minty unicorn without arousing too much suspicion among the citizens of Ponyville. The other reason was so she could use magic freely. Surely, it was an inconvenience not to be able to fly but it was downright impossible for her to live without magic. With a sigh the queen blew a strand of her mane away from her snout. Life was never without some form of sacrifice.

“Are you two finished studying yet? Because sitting around in abject boredom is at the very top of my to-do list right now.”

Lyra huffed in annoyance. “Listen up your majesty. The only reason Mr. Septimus can understand either of us right now is because of a temporary spell I cast on him. It takes quite a bit of energy out of me, so it’s in both of our best interest for him to learn Equestrian. You’re just going to have to find something to do on your own.”

“For your information, I was too busy trying to SURVIVE on a daily basis to even think about such trivial matters as entertainment. Do you even know what it’s like to be away from your cushy pony lifestyle? I highly doubt it. If anything, I deserve every right to be bored.”

“You know what? You’re lucky I even let you stay here. I could’ve just left you to rot in the Everfree but I didn’t because it was the right thing to do. You’re not anpony’s queen anymore, so quit being bossy and take care of your own problems!”

Gaius slammed his fist on the desk. “Lyra we’ve been at this for over an hour now and I believe it’s time we took a break. Chrysalis, there’s no reason for you to be acting like a spoiled child. Both of you stop your bickering and apologize to one another.”

Both pony and changeling crossed their fore-hooves and looked away from each other. Gaius started to rub his temples in annoyance, finding this situation not unlike some he encountered back home. It seemed that women did similar things, even in different realms. Naturally he would have to intervene in order to get them to stop, so he grabbed them both by the tail to get their attention. The eyes of both mares widened as they squealed with surprise.

“Now, I’m going to keep tugging on your tails until the both of you settle down.”

The two mares blushed heavily but eventually they grumbled a half-hearted apology to one another in order to be released from the human’s clutches. With a satisfied smirk, Gaius cracked his knuckles and went into the kitchen to get a drink. When he came back with a bottle of sports drink, he found a very angry Lyra glaring at him. Chrysalis, strangely enough, looked somewhat…amused?

“I swear these refrigerator devices are astounding. They keep food and drink as cold as the winter snow and…umm why are you so upset Miss Lyra?”

Lyra used her magic to hurl one of the pillows from the couch straight at the Centurion’s face. Having such quick reflexes, he managed to doge the fluffy projectile but was tackled to the floor by the enraged unicorn. She pummeled him with yet another pillow but this time she used her teeth to grip onto it. After about thirty seconds Gaius waved his hands in surrender and while Lyra stopped her assault, she continued to sit on top of his chest.

“What is the meaning of this? What wrongs have I committed?”

“You don’t know what you just did!?”

“Umm…should I?”

Lyra blushed. “Oh right, you’re not a pony so of course you wouldn’t know. Ehem…well you see when a mare and c-colt like each other…”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Oh for the love of Faust! What she means to say is: the fondling and or tugging of one’s tail is considered an act of intimacy. And yes, just in case you were wondering it does indeed cause sexual stimulation….particularly with mares.”

“Ah well, that would certainly explain both of your reactions. I honestly had no idea that such a thing was considered an act of foreplay. In the future I shall refrain from touching your tails.”

“Not to worry human, not harm was done. However I should clarify that mere physical contact with our tails is not arousing, nor is it considered sexual. Stimulation only occurs when you pull on them. So, if you wish to pet our tails feel free to do so.”

“Speak for yourself changeling! Mr. Septimus just…ask before you pet alright? I’d rather we not have any more incidents.”

Luckily for Gaius the awkward situation was somewhat diffused by several knocks at the door. Lyra opened it to find both Rarity and her sister Sweetie waiting outside. The fashonista was sporting some rather flashy white saddle bags and a purple sun hat.

“Good afternoon Lyra! I do hope Sweetie and I aren’t interrupting anything?”

“Oh no, not all. Please come in.”

“Thank you darling. Now, I suppose you’re wondering why we’ve decided to visit.”

“Well yeah, I mean I don’t mind you coming over but it’s kind of sudden. You’re not really known for your spontaneity.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “I should certainly hope not. That is something Pinkie Pie is far better suited for. In any case, I was informed by my sister that her life was saved by a brave and noble creature. I would like to meet this creature and offer him a reward!”

“If you want to meet Mr. Septimus, he’s in the living room with my cousin.”

Rarity trotted over to the simian-like creature and found that he was enjoying one of those vile sports drinks that Rainbow Dash so thoroughly enjoyed drinking. No doubt it was loaded with sugar. Just seeing him sip on it made her almost cringe. But it wasn’t her place to question Sweetie’s savoir. She was here to thank him, not judge him. Next to him sat a bored looking unicorn filly, which Rarity assumed was the cousin Lyra mentioned. Taking a deep breath she put on her best lady-like smile.

“Greetings to you my good gentlecolt. My name is Rarity and am the older sibling of one of the fillies you saved from the Timber wolf. It is a pleasure to finally meet you.”

Gaius simply nodded. “Likewise Ms. Rarity. You may call me Gaius. I take it your sister must be the little unicorn I saved?”

“That is indeed the case sir. I chose to visit today in order to offer you a reward for you act of heroism.”

“There is no need for that ma’am; I only did what was right.”

Rarity held her hoof up. “Don’t say another word. I simply must insist on rewarding you. Now, I couldn’t help but notice that you wear clothing. I just so happen to be a clothing designer by profession. You can be assured that at the very least, you shall be receiving a few more outfits free of charge.”

“I suppose I will eventually need some new clothing.”

“Yes, your current outfit looks a bit…worn. Furthermore, you and Lyra shall accompany me to the spa for a deluxe treatment. Judging by the stench you’re putting off, you are in serious need of a bath darling.”

Gaius grinned. “Oh thank the gods! I’m in dire need of a good cleansing. I haven’t been to a proper bathhouse in ages. I apologize if my odor offends you; I normally don’t smell this foul. Unfortunately I haven’t really gotten the chance to bathe since I arrived here.”

“How wonderful! Finally, I’ve found a stallion who appreciates a good spa treatment!”

Chrysalis’s ears perked up. “Did you just say spa treatment?”

“Why yes dear. Are you by chance interested in accompanying us?”

“YOU…HAVE….NO…IDEA!”

“Color me surprised then. I didn’t think fillies enjoyed the spa very much. Sweetie occasionally goes but her other friends aren’t too fond of it. Especially with Scootaloo, no doubt she’s just mirroring Rainbow Dash. It’s a shame really. Anyway, I don’t believe I caught your name darling.”

“It’s Chrys—Chrysanthemum. But you may call me Chrissy.”

“Hmm…I’m sorry but I just didn’t expect you to have a name associated with flowers. Your coat doesn’t seem to really match with it…as it were.”

Chrysalis chuckled nervously. “Oh well, that’s because my mother is a florist. She’s an earthpony and my dad is a unicorn. In the end they gave me a traditional earthpony name, despite my horn.”

“It is beautiful name darling. I was merely adding my two bits. Shall we be off then?”

The Lotus Petal Spa, Ponyville

Aloe lazily filed her left hoof, wondering why today was so dreadfully slow. It wasn’t as if ponies needed spa treatments, nor were they wildly popular but this was just ridiculous. She had opted to stay at the front desk while her sister, Lotus, cleaned the baths. The only other employee present was a pegasus stallion by the name of Gentle Breeze. Despite being a pegasus he was quite skilled with his hooves, thus he tended to the spa’s customers while Aloe and Lotus were busy.

At the moment, Gentle was busy reading a magazine on the latest massage techniques. It was printed and published in Tauros, the capital of the Minotaur Khanate. It made sense to Aloe that the minotaurs would be good at such a profession, considering that they were one of the few species that possessed hands.

It wasn’t the magazine she was interested in. Oh no, she was more interested in ogling Gentle Breeze. He was a bit on the muscular side for pegasus, no doubt due to the fact that he needed to keep his hooves in shape to able to perform his job properly. Aloe would never admit it, but she had been crushing on him ever since he started. She continued to stare even after he put down the magazine. The stallion merely raised his eyebrow.

“I had no idea you were so interested in massage magazines boss. If you wanted to read it that badly, you could have just asked.”

Aloe blushed. “Oh erm…sorry Breeze, I must have zoned out a bit. The monotony of the day is getting to me.”

Breeze popped his neck. “Aaaahhh yeah I hear ya on that one. It’s slower than maple syrup in the dead of winter around here. I wonder if your sister would mind closing up shop early.”

It was then that Rarity choose to burst through the doors of the spa. “Hello darlings I hope you’re ready to give a few deluxe treatments!”

“Ah a good day to you Ms. Rarity. What might we be able to do for our favorite customer?”

“While I always appreciate your work Breeze, I fear that my friends and I must first take a long, hot bath.”

Aloe grinned. “You have excellent timing then. My sister is cleaning the baths as we speak. I presume you shall want the works for all of your…guests?”

“Indeed darling, especially for the armored gentlecolt standing next to my sister.”

“Umm…not to be rude but he isn’t exactly a pony. In fact, what is he?”

“Lyra claims he is some kind of ape creature. A human I believe she called it.”

“He even has hands like the minotaurs do…very interesting. Perhaps my sister and I could instruct him how to give massages, if he doesn’t object of course. I know many ponies who would give their left leg for a professional Taurian treatment.”

“That is something you will have to discuss with him. I’m not entirely sure if he even did that sort of thing where he came from. I would assume not, judging from his style of dress.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I’m a dress maker darling, it’s my job to notice the little details. He’s clearly wearing chainmail armor. That’s not the type of attire somepony would wear, if they intended to work at a spa. No, I believe he is more the military type or maybe a guard.”

“Hmm yes he does look like the type. But I wonder how much mercenary work he will find in Equestria. We haven’t had a war in over a thousand years. If he desires to earn bits, then I’m willing to bet he’d try his hand at an alternative career.”

“We certainly shall see. Now, why don’t we get this treatment started? Nothing makes one’s coat shinier than a deep soak in mineral water!”

Gaius followed a maroon coated pegasus into one room, while the others followed a pink mare into another across the hall. This certainly wasn’t like any bathhouse he’d ever seen before. Most of the ones he’d been to were far smaller than this one but he had no doubt that some of the wealthier nobles could afford to build such a large and lavish complex.

The centurion had heard tales of the legendary deeds of debauchery that went on in those places. He sincerely hoped that was not the case at this establishment. It wasn’t exactly high within his priorities to witness an orgy involving miniature horses, although some back home would disagree. The stallion suddenly stopped, handing him a white towel.

“Excuse me, but why are you giving me a towel before I go into the bath?”

“You know…it’s for when you go into the bath sir.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Some of our patrons like to wear towels while walking around. In some cases, mares like to wrap up their manes with one.”

Gaius cocked his eyebrow. “Why on earth would I wear a towel while bathing? A towel is meant to be used to dry off. Getting it wet would defeat the purpose of using one in the first place.”

“I suppose it is used to preserve the modesty of our patrons.”

“Modesty has no place in the baths! One does not bathe while robed.”

Breeze frowned. “Well no but…”

“I fail to understand why this is an issue. You ponies prance about in the nude anyway, so why would it matter if you are doing so in a public bathhouse?”

“Ehh…you know I really have no idea.”

Gaius quickly disrobed and made his way out to the baths. In the meantime, a very confused Gentle Breeze was left to contemplate some of the more confusing aspects of Equestrian culture. With a disgruntled sigh he retrieved the human’s clothing, noting that it tasted like dirt and sweat.

All of the mares had already begun to soak in one of the larger Jacuzzi baths. Rarity was seated next to Lyra, while Sweetie and Chrysalis sat opposite of them. The fashionista was the only pony who had opted to wrap a towel around her mane, for fear of it getting frizzy later. Sweetie had already taken the liberty of submerging herself entirely; as a result her normally curly mane limply clung to her face. Chrysalis simply laid back and closed her eyes. This was the first time in ages that she had taken a proper bath and she was enjoying every blissful second of it. Sadly, her peaceful state was not to last as a certain filly poked her in the ribs.

“Hi I’m Sweetie Belle! What’s your name?”

“Chrysanthemum.”

“Oooh that’s a pretty name. Are you new in town ‘cause I’ve never seen you before.”

“No, I’m just visiting.”

“Visiting from where? And why are you hanging around Lyra?”

“Stalliongrad and she’s my cousin.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lyra talk about you before. Although I guess that’s not so weird since Apple Bloom has tons of family that she never talks about. I get kinda confused sometimes, there are SO many Apples and then there’s the Oranges…”

Chrysalis’s eye twitched. “As fascinating as this conversation is, I’d really like to relax…IN SILENCE!”

Sweetie’s ears drooped. “Oh…sorry. So do you have your cutie mark yet?”

“Of course not. Now please be quiet.”

“*Squee* Oh my gosh neither do I! My friends and I go around trying to earn our cutie marks. We’re called the Cutie Mark Crusaders! If you wanted to…you could join us.”

“Ughh fine! I’ll join this little group of yours if it will get you to be quiet.”

“Yay! We’re meeting tomorrow after lunch at Sweet Apple Acres. That’s all I had to say, I’ll be quiet now.”

Rarity slid deeper into the pool. “It seems like those two are getting along rather well, don’t you think so Lyra?”

“I guess so. Chrissy isn’t really known for being sociable.”

“Sweetie loves making new friends, even if they’re a bit stand-offish at first. I can’t help but notice that your human guest has yet to join us. Do you think he got lost?”

“Aloe sent one of the staff ponies with him, so he shouldn’t be. Maybe humans just take longer to prepare for a bath.”

“Now that you mention it, he was wearing a lot of clothing. Oh dear, all of that complex armor must be so difficult to get out of.”

As soon as Rarity finished her sentence Gaius strode over to the pool in all of his natural glory. He knelt down to test the temperature of the water with his finger before sliding in next to Lyra. The cheeks of all three mares flushed with embarrassment as he dunked his head underneath the water. He let out a satisfied grunt when he surfaced.

“The hot water feels glorious. It has just the right amount of heat. Oh and is that lavender I smell? Miss Rarity…is there something wrong?”

“My word that was certainly a surprise. No wonder he wore so much clothing…” Rarity mumbled under her breath.

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear what you said.”

Rarity bit her lip. “Oh n-nothing darling. I was merely commenting on how long pen—nut butter can last after you open it. Yes, peanut butter! Isn’t that right Lyra?”

“Yeah hehe…sure is amazing isn’t it? I mean…it goes great on sandwiches and the best part is you don’t have to refrigerate it.”

“If you say so. I can’t say I’m familiar with this ‘peanut butter’ you speak of. Perhaps I shall have to try some later. By any chance do you ponies use scented oils?”

“We don’t use oils per say darling, but we do use shampoos. They work in a similar manner, although do be careful not to get any in your eyes.”

Sweetie, wanting to be helpful, decided to grab a bottle of some flowery scented shampoo. The filly gently nudged Gaius’s arm to get his attention and deposited the bottle in his hand.

“What manner of container is this?”

“It’s a shampoo bottle! All you have to do is unscrew the cap and pour some into your mane. Trust me; it’ll make you smell a whole lot better.”

Gaius squeezed the bottle, squirting a glob of viscous yellow gel into his hand. It had the consistency of honey but smelled of perfume. As per Sweetie Belle’s instructions he slowly rubbed the gel into his hair. It was an odd sensation, but not unpleasant.

“I fail to see how this gel is supposed to clean my hair. I have done as you instructed but now my hair is more of a mess than it was before!”

Sweetie giggled. “You’re supposed to wash it off silly. Just put your head underwater for little while.”

“Ah yes, now my hair is back to normal. Thank you little one. How about I return the favor? It must be difficult to wash your mane without any hands. Allow me to do it for you.”

Rarity watched with amusement as Gaius washed Sweetie’s mane. Such behavior was not unusual for her sister. Sweetie often made friends quickly but for what exact reason Rarity couldn’t be completely sure. Perhaps it was her disarming personality? Whatever the case, it was a welcome distraction from the incident earlier. The fashionista had found herself thinking some very un-lady like thoughts.

“Bipeds must have it rough, to be so…exposed like that. I can’t imagine how distracted humans must become during heat.”

Lyra nodded in agreement. “Yeah, and those muscles of his could put a minotaur to shame.”

“Certainly darling and…HOLD ON A MOMENT! I-I didn’t realize I was speaking aloud! Oh this won’t do. A lady shouldn’t talk about such vulgar things in public, especially with fillies present. You must think I’m a terrible pony.”

“Calm down Rarity, I was having some of the exact same thoughts. Although, I would keep it down so the big guy and your sister don’t overhear us.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Oh yes of course. I for one do not want to have ‘the talk’ with Sweetie just yet. In fact, I would much rather have mother deal with that particular situation instead.”

“Let’s just drop the subject entirely ok? It’s already gonna be awkward enough when he gets out of the bath. We need to play it cool.”

“Awkward would be an understatement darling. How do you expect me to play it cool when somepony’s…ermm thing is right in front of my face!?”

“It’s not like you haven’t seen a stallion’s privates before, so get over it.”

Rarity blushed. “But this is different! Stallions do NOT walk around with their genitalia on display. The worst part is that Mr. Gaius doesn’t even seem bothered by it.”

“Rarity, we can’t assume anything about his culture. These types of things are bound to happen and all we can do is learn from our blunders and laugh about it later. I know it’s extremely distracting but bear with it.”

“Merciful Celestia this shall be a long spa day…”