Friendship is Volatile

Locks could remember a few times in his life where he had no physical or mental drive to actually wake up. Whether it was a product of stress, the result of a recent injury, or too much bullshit that no poor soul should have to deal with together they turned into the desire of staying blissfully asleep forever. Like most days his mind woke up long before his body wanted anything to do with activity, but even with the thorough reminder by the sharp pain and aches he felt all over something else piqued his curiosity.

"Mmmmm Hmmmm?"

There were soft warm little things cradling his sore head, and that feminine sound coaxed his eyes open regardless of the stinging light filling the room. He actually smiled at the soft magenta eyes looking down at him, and the way its cute little muzzle appeared scrunched up in a quirky look imparted the strong urge to hug the soft little thing over him. His mind slowly connected the dots. It was Rainbow Dash, holding his head between her hooves and looking so damn adorable that he wanted nothing more than to hug the little pony. That was until he wondered why her cheeks looked so puffy.

His eyes narrowed to pinpricks and slammed shut after taking a deep breath through his nose and sealing his mouth with pursed lips the hellish little cretin opened her mouth and confirmed his suspicions.

"Bluuuuuuugh."

Oh god... It was like a waterfall of unsanitary filth pouring out of its mouth and splattering across his face.

(Don't open your eyes.... don't open your mouth.... oh christ its seeping into my flesh..... ITS CRAWLING UP MY NOSE)

His mind was screaming in shock and horror as he exhaled sharply to clear the semi goopy filth from his nose. He could only lie there twitching until his lungs circumvented his desire to suffocate himself. There was no getting around breathing through his nose because he sure as hell wasn't opening his mouth. To any soul working in the medical field for any length of time this was the most fucked up bio-hazardous hell right after falling into a pile of used needles.

He had to breath... and after clearing his nose one final time he inhaled only what he absolutely needed to keep from passing out but he could smell it. It smelled like apple something, mint, and... her mouth... The worst insult of all was her laughing through the entire struggle and her hooves keeping his still damaged head in place.

"How do you like them apples Lockette~? The apple cider here in Ponyville is to die for! Nice and sweet, but it can give you such a thick feeling in your mouth if you've had too much. You should get yourself cleaned up before the doctors come by to change your bandages."

Oh you fucking shitty horse asshole...... He remembered in stark detail what had happened the previous day, and while he was convinced that there was a distinct lack of sanity on his part that didn't make what she was putting him though any easier. Feeling a towel land over his head he proceeded to try and scrub his contaminated face off with Rainbow laughing her fuzzy little ass off. The entrance way suddenly opened up and Locks could hear the sound of hooves entering the library and Luna's cheery voice.

"Ah Good morning Mr. Locks. I've come to see how you were doing since last night. I've brought Dr. Marevell and Winters with me to give you a dressing change.... Why are you... scrubbing your face so hard might I ask?"

Taking a few moments to breath he looked up at Luna with no trace of the horror still raging through his mind.

"Oh.... just helps me wake up..... I think I'll go wash my face now..... I'm still feeling a bit off today."

This wasn't over. That shit eating grin on her face only solidified his conviction that he would have to find a suitable payback for the rainbow colored asshat. His brain was still fuzzy from yesterday, but come hell or high water he would have his revenge on the pony.

"Twilight? Would you happen to own a new tooth brush? I don't have anything of my ow currently.... I need to get a damn job if I'm going to function."

"Oh! I do have a few spare ones! Let me get one for you but just try to rest for the time being! You can stay here with me until we get you settled down."

That was.... quick. Especially since he assumed that this was her house and she didn't seem to have any problem with housing not only a complete stranger but an alien for that matter...

"That's awfully nice of you Twilight... I can't thank you enough for your kindness! Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well...."

Warning bells started sounding the danger alarm with the way she was holding her hoof to her mouth and that disturbing smile spreading across her face.

"I don't think I should live with you."

"But! But you don't have anywhere to go! And there's so much we could learn from each other! I live in the only library in town!"

"I'll tell you what Twilight... I'll honestly think about it and get back to you ok? It's kinds.... awkward to suddenly start living in someones house."

Especially if it was a female. That usually implied you were giving her the bone or otherwise slutting yourself in a way that let you freeload. Even if he was stuck in magical land of very questionable ponies he wasn't about to take free hand outs when he could still work. After washing his face, then brushing his teeth, then washing his face, then took a piss, washed his hands, and washing his face one last time he finally felt himself ready for the day. Dr. Winters and Marevell didn't take too long to change his dressings but did offer him a sweet little deal.

"Mr. Locks? We would like to offer you an opportunity to earn a steady income if you'd be willing to undergo a few tests and physical evaluations at Ponyville Hospital. Everything will be fully explained to you each day of testing and you can come in whenever you have some spare time. We won't keep you longer than a couple of hours at the most and it give us ponies an opportunity to study some of the basics of your anatomy. I apologize for not asking your before hand but we have taken the liberty of examining a sample of your blood from yesterday and brought with us an example of the compensation we'd be willing to pay for your cooperation."

It wasn't a wad of cash or even a bag of cash. Marevell had placed a small chest that stood about a foot and a half high and two feet across. Opening it revealed what looked like gold coins with a stylized number one on them and filling the chest to the brim. He had no idea how their currency worked but from the way Twilight and Rainbow's mouths dropped at the contents he assumed it was a substantial amount.

He smiled at the two doctors who smiled back happily. If these ponies had laws anywhere near as strict as humans had, he could possibly run their hospital in the ground for violating patient consent and taking samples without his knowledge. Still, they did patch him up and if they wanted to poke and prod at him for a lot of money then it wouldn't be so bad. So long as they stayed the hell away from certain exit only holes then he could dig it.

Scooping two handfuls of the money into his pockets Locks closed the lid of the chest and held out his hand, sealing the deal with Winters and then Marevell with a hearty shake.

"It would be a pleasure ma'am and sir. If you would be so kind as to contact a legal representative I would like to establish a living will. Since I have no idea if I'm going anywhere anytime soon I'd like to donate my body and possessions for research and development should the worst occur. I do hope you can learn something from me that can benefit your kind, as I hope to learn from you during my stay here."

They looked like they wanted to hug him with those smiles.... or something more disturbing. He would seriously have to get used to those really wide and creepy pony smiles before he started having nightmares about them.

After packing their equipment away and shaking hands (Hoofs...) once more the doctors turned to leave with Luna close behind but not until she gave him a stern look.

"If you would please rest yourself Mr. Locks it would come to a great relief for my sister and I."

"Oks Lulu love you bye bye!"

She just blinked at him, took a monumentally deep breath and let out the longest, loudest sigh he had ever heard before making her exit.

"Oh! I've got some errands to run myself! Just relax here for a while Mr. Locks! Rarity should be by later today with a surprise for you and if you need anything just ask Spike!"

With a snap of the door he was left alone in the tree house with a nervous looking Spike and a shitty Rainbow who was still smugly smiling at him. That was until he turned around from both of them and promptly walked out of the door.

"Welp its time for a mother fuckin walk!"

"WHAT THE HAY?! GET BACK IN HERE!"

He was surprised at how fast Spike was at his side and Rainbow Dash was floating in front of him.

"But Twilight just said you should be resting! She'll get really mad if she finds out your walking all over town!"

"Don't even think about it you! The doctors said REST! That doesn't mean you get to go wandering about my town!"

Locks continued to walk regardless of Spikes pleas and Rainbow's bitching.

"First of all Spike... Twilight ain't my mama so I don't have to listen to her, second I don't live with her YET so I don't have to listen to her, third she doesn't pay me which means she isn't my boss so I don't have to listen to her, and finally I'm not tapping that so I don't have to listen! And Rainbow Dash is a turd burglar so I don't have to listen to her about anything."

Spike started cracking up at his remarks, and Rainbow looked like she wanted to throttle him and drag him back inside but she was hesitant. He assumed she wasn't willing to just plow him over on account of his injuries but he wondered just how long that would last before she snapped.

"What the hay does tapping it mean?"

"Well Spike when a man is tapping that a...."

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

She screamed in his face so loudly that his ears began ringing, but with a smile he gently rubbed his nose against the tip of her muzzle in a very affectionate way that got her tumbling back through the air.

"One day Spike when we aren't surrounded by freakin females we're going to have some quality man time and I'll tell you all the things you need to know about tapping it."

So off the trio went into the heart of Ponyville regardless of the curious glances and some outright shock that the passerby's would show when they laid eyes on a tall gangly creature with nothing but pants on and half its body bandaged. When they entered the more densely populated market area things looked a bit more interesting.

There were scores of ponies milling about but it was like someone had turned off the sun with the way they stopped milling about to stare. There was a low murmuring flowing through the air, and poor Spike looked like he might bolt with the unease swirling about the crowds.

"I told you we should have stayed home today!"

"Spike my man, let me show you how to lighten the mood. Its one thing if these ponies are scared, but if you can show them a little something sweet that they can relate too or hell, even know first hand about then everything will be just dandy!"

With practiced ease he slipped forward a few steps and smoothly spun around three times before turning back towards Rainbow Dash. Her eyes narrowed when he started to dance, more so when he actually started singing in the middle of the road like a mad man.

"You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like heaven to touch

Oh I want to hold you so much

At long last love has arrived

And I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

The thing about Locks was if he believed taking his dick out and swinging it around would embarrass one of his friends he'd do it without a second thought. So it wasn't a problem singing one of his favorite love songs for Rainbow Dash, in the middle of town, and shaking his ass all the while gesturing longingly towards the mare.

"Pardon the way that I stare

There's nothing else to compare

The thought of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Then let me know that is real

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you.

Poor Rainbow... She probably thought it was over with this mornings shenanigans, but it was far from over. The little pegasus couldn't abandon them there in the middle of town, but she couldn't throttle him in front of so many ponies even if he was dancing in the most sensual way he knew how and singing both loudly and clearly enough for everyone to hear.

"I love you baby, and if it's quite all right

I need you baby, to warm a lonely night

I love you baby. Trust in me when I say...

I love you baby, don't let me down I pray

I love you baby, now that I found you, stay

And let me love you baby, let me love you!"

In all honesty he had practiced singing this particular song to make it work with a deeper male voice, and he was proud of how well it turned out in his opinion. With a quick glance around he found a lot of smiling faces and more than a few blushes amongst the crowds, but it was Rainbow Dash who was the cream of the crop.

It didn't take a genius to figure out he was directing such an intimate song towards the mare, and she was blushing so hard that even the joints of her wings had a slight rosy hue to them. She would have been absolutely adorable if she wasn't looking at him with the intent of murdering, gutting, and strewing his mangled corpse across the mountain side after kicking him off of the top.

And then Pinkie Pie came bouncing up with the widest, happiest grin he had ever seen on a living creature.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! You have such a nice singing voice! And you can dance really really well! Do you really love Dashie?! OH! I should throw a Lover's Party for the two of you! It would be super duper better than a regular welcome party! I could make it hearts and hooves day themed! And I can make couples games too!"

The little cocaine fueled bundle of nerves went bouncing around the trio babbling on an on about making it just right and mixing the fun up with romance. If there was ever a time when Rainbow Dash might have actually committed murder it was right then and there. Looking down at her with a wicked smile he rubbed salt and limes into the open wound.

"How do you like them apples Dashie?"