The Amazing Adventures of Dick Flash
Prologue: A Glorious Beginning
Blue Grass walked slowly on the outskirts of Ponyville, basking in the wonder of nature around him. Sometimes he just liked to come out here and think about things, and just reflect on what life was. He wasn’t really a philosophical pony but just going for a walk and thinking helped him to clear his mind of the events of the day. Sighing heavily, he turned his head to the sky.
“Man… I really wish that I was cool or something… Then I would have some friends, and I could actually do something other than come out here everyday…” His head jerked to the right as he heard a twig snap, the sharp noise ringing through the late night. Who could that possibly be? Nopony came this far on to the edge of town at night except for him…
But the Everfree Forest is nearby. It’s probably just some creature that wandered a bit too far out on its own. And that means that I’m probably going to get viciously mauled and killed… Why me? Celestia, why always me? I wonder if anybody will notice I’m gone… I’m sure my dog will at least miss me. Even though he pissed on my head while I was sleeping. Wait… Damn.
“H-hey! W-who’s there?! Don’t come near me!” Blue Grass stood on his hind hooves, waving his arms around randomly. “I’m an earth pony! I can kick things! I KNOW EARTH-FOO!” Blue Grass closed his eyes, flailing around in randomly direction before falling flat on his rump. From his right, he could hear somepony giggling at him.
“Well, well, well. What have we here? Were you trying to give Trixie an interpretive dance demonstration? Trixie must say, you did a terrific job portraying the ‘Terrified Fool’. Tell Trixie, did you have to work on that performance, or did it just come naturally to you?”
Blue Grass shot up immediately, turning to face the one who had been talking to him. If looks could kill, then the glare that he gave the new arrival would have caused a nuclear explosion. The dark blue pony in front of him backed away slightly, frowning deeply.
“Hey! Who told you that you could make fun of me? Who the heck are you anyway?! I am not a ‘terrified fool’…” He huffed grumpily, crossing his forelegs as he sat. Trixie simply shook her head sadly.
“Geeze… Don’t you know a joke when you see one? There’s no need to be so grumpy about it…” Trixie said.
“Well I am grumpy! And what’s with the third-person stuff? Are you supposed to be some sort of wannabe Houdini or something?” Blue Grass stuck his tongue out at her and blew a raspberry.
“Trixi- Er… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, and I’m sorry if I offended you. I’ve really been trying to get better about this sort of thing. I still feel bad over what happened the last time that I was here. My name’s Trixie by the way.” Trixie offered her hoof to Blue Grass, helping him up slowly.
“Well, your name’s pretty obvious from that whole third person thing. What the hay are you doing all the way out here anyway? How come I’ve never seen you around town before?” Blue Grass shook his head a bit, trying to clear the daze from falling flat on his hind-quarters.
“Well, I sort of… Acted very badly the last time I was here. It took Twilight Sparkle beating me at my own game to show me what I was doing wrong. I just came by to check how she was doing. We’re quite close now, good friends indeed.” Trixie smiled at him, though her eyes were clouded with some sort of past regret.
“Wait. Hold up for a second. You got beaten by Twilight? That scrawny as hay, purple librarian beat you?” Blue Grass fell over into the grass, laughing hysterically and rolling back and forth. “Trixie? Hold on. That name sounds familiar… You’re that Trixie?! The Great and Powerful Trixie? Oh man, this is priceless! I wish I could have been there to see you get your flank handed to you!”
Trixie frowned deeply, gazing at the stallion in front of her, rolling on the ground and laughing at her. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down a bit. “Look. I know that what I did was wrong, okay? I get talked down enough for all of that stuff. The only reason I’m not hated by all of Equestria is because Twilight put in a good word for me, so leave me alone. I mean, do you make fun of everypony you meet like this? Seriously. It’s kind of rude.”
Blue Grass stood up, tapping Trixie’s horn. Trixie grimaced, struggling not to grit her teeth at his rudeness. “Listen here, sweet cheeks. I can do whatever I want. That’s why I come out here. Well, that and the fact that I have no friends or life anywhere. So I come out here to be alone. And now, I’m not alone, because a wannabe magician is out here with me. Why don’t you just go away and leave me be, and we can both go our separate ways and forget that we ever met. Sound good?”
“I don’t see your name on the ground anywhere around here. Besides, if you’re so alone, you’d think that you’d be at least glad to meet a new pony. Especially somepony who knows exactly how you feel. And you’d think that you’d be trying your best to be nice and make friends with her, since you have no life and all.” Trixie was now starting to get mildly angry with the stallion, speaking each of her words through a clenched jaw.
“Oh? You want to be friends? That’s cool. Because I totally need that. More disappointment and sadness for me! Wheeeeeeeeee~! Tell you what? You’re a unicorn right? Why don’t you do something for me, and then we can be friends. Use your magic to make me cool. Give me something here. I don’t just want to be a dumb, normal earth pony. Turn me into a pegasus or something.” Hah. Like that’s gonna happen. Unicorns can’t transform ponies into-
Trixie sighed deeply, releasing all of her anger. She couldn’t be angry at such a sad, sad stallion. All he wanted was to be special. I remember what it was like to want to be special… That didn’t feel good at all. Well, I have that one spell… I’ve never used it on a pony before, but I can still try it. I’m a master at it, so what’s the worst that could happen? Trixie chuckled nervously, not noticing Blue Grass’ jaw hanging wide open.
“Wait. Seriously? You can do that. Oh no, I am so sorry for being rude to you before. You’re like the coolest unicorn I know. Seriously! So sorry for all that stuff… But can you really make me a pegasus? Can you do it now?”
“Well, I can try. I’ve never-”
“Do it. Just do it.” His eyes were shining brightly with the excitement of a school filly at her first sleepover. “My name’s Blue Grass by the way. Thanks in advance for this.” He closed his eyes, almost bouncing up and down in place in excitement. Trixie took a deep breath, clearing her mind as she charged the spell. She could feel the magic and power building up into her horn, begging to be released and discharged. With a small grunt, Trixie shot a burst of blue magic at his giddy form.
It impacted him, surrounding him in a blue glow and lifting him nearly three feet into the air. The wind began to pick up and swirl in a circular pattern around him, kicking up leaves and twigs and sending them flying everywhere. Then, just like that, it was over, and the stallion dropped like a rock.
“Oh my Celestia, are you okay?!” Trixie rushed over to his side, concern lacing her voice.
“I’m fine, but I don’t really feel any different… I guess nothing happened.” Blue Grass struggled onto his hooves, shaking his head slightly while smiling sadly. “Eh. I knew it was too good to be true. Still, you seem pretty nice. I really am sorry about earlier. Thank for try—” The stallion dropped like a rock, not moving at all. Trixie’s eyes shot open in surprise.
“Hey! Hey! Are you alright?” She stooped down to his level, putting her head over his chest. Oh no… He’s not moving at all! Is he breathing? Come on Trixie, gotta keep calm… He’s not breathing. He’s not breathing! What do I do?! Why did you use that stupid spell?! Trixie ran frantically around in circles, screaming for help before stopping. She noticed that his chest was moving in and out slightly, signifying that he was still alive.
“H-hold on! I-I’ll go into town and get some help! Don’t worry, you’re going to be alright, just… Stay here!” In a blue flash, Trixie disappeared, teleporting to the Ponyville emergency care center.
Groggily, his eyes began to open. Blue Grass’ whole body felt sore. It felt like Big Mac had gone on a steroid binge and used him as a living punching bag. He released an uncomfortable groan as he tried to sit up. Moving his hooves around, he could feel that he was in some sort of bed. His vision began to focus, and he noticed that he was in a white room.
“Great. I’m in the hospital. Well, at least Trixie didn’t just leave me there to get eaten…” He shakily sat up. Something was off. Something about him felt… different. He couldn’t quite place his hoof on it though. It was like something about him had changed. Maybe the spell did work? Maybe that’s why I’m so sore right now? Huh. I’ve got to get up. Go find a mirror. Maybe I can go ask one of the staff…
He pulled himself up to his hooves. He felt his forehead. Okay, definitely no horn. That would just be weird. I wonder what’s changed though… It feels like something’s… heavier? Weird. Oh well, gotta get out of this room and stretch a bit. See what’s going on. Damn I’m sore…
He trotted slowly over to the white wooden door, grasping the handle and swinging it open. Immediately he flushed bright red. Nurse Redheart was standing right in front of the door with her flank directly in his face, talking to another nurse right next to her. Blue Grass felt his pelvic region getting suddenly heavier. A loud buzzing sound could be heard.
Click!
A bright flash shined brightly throughout the hallway, blinding everyone who had been looking in his direction. His dick felt weird. It was almost as if he could feel something sliding out of it. He looked down, noticed that a perfectly developed photo now lay on the ground under him. It was a perfectly developed photo of Nurse Redheart’s snatch. Redheart turned around, opening her mouth to ask what had happened before following his gaze downward and flushing bright red.
Blue Grass turned deep red, almost magenta, and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Uh… I can explain…?”
The Amazing Adventures of Dick Flash
Chapter One: You Can Be a Hero!
“Ugh… Damn.” Blue Grass woke with a dull, stinging pain in the back of his head. He squinted his eyes in pain and ran a blue hoof through his spiky green mane as he looked at his surroundings. The same white walls, shiny floors, and beeping monitor as when he’d woken up earlier? When was earlier? Had that whole experience even been real? It feels like I just got hit by Big Mac after her went on a steroid binge… Wait a second. I’m getting a serious case of deja vu here. Was that all a weird hospital dream? Does that mean my penis is still all… weird and heavy?
Blue Grass shifted his weight onto his left side and rubbed his temples in a desperate attempt to rid his head of the dull migraine. As his weight shifted, he could feel his migraine ease a bit, as well as that familiar heavy feeling in his pelvic area again. Something else was there too. A slight burning sensation made its presence known on the tip of his crotch before . Blue Grass groaned in pain and shifted his weight back onto his back and flanks. The burning in his crotch died down as quickly as it had started, but his migraine returned with an angry vengeance
“Oh, great. So now I’ve got to pick and choose which one I want to hurt more? Celestia is just granting me the best luck since the turn of the century, isn’t she? My future children will surely sing songs of praise as a beacon of hope in the name of my glorious fortune as meteors crash into their houses and gypsies curse them to wander forever as ripe tomatoes.” Blue Grass sighed as the pain in the back of his head continued to annoy him. Wait. I’m still in the hospital, right? I’ll just call the doctor and he’ll fix me right up. Or at least tell me why it feels like I got mugged in the alley on my way here.
Blue Grass scanned around his bed sheets for the bed controls. “Oh man, don’t tell me they dropped it in between the bed railings like last time! I hate it when that happens… Damn, my head’s starting to act up again.”
He grabbed his head in his hooves again and closed his eyes tightly, hoping to ward off the throbbing pain in his skull. It started to subside when he heard a magnified knocking at his door that caused it to flare right back up. He yelped as his eyes shot open, revealing a light blue unicorn mare—Trixie. He narrowed his eyes at her.
“You,” he growled, “what did you do to my dick!” He shut his eyes again as the pain returned.
“Glad to see you’re awake,” Trixie said as she entered, “do you need anything?”
Blue Grass blinked. “What are you doing?”
“Being nice to you,” Trixie replied, “that’s what friends do, isn’t it?”
“Friends?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes. friends,” Trixie said with a winning smile.
Blue Grass laughed mirthlessly. “You nearly killed me!” he shouted as he crossed his forelegs, wincing in pain.
“I did nothing of the sort. I merely gave you what you wanted.”
“You turned me penis into a camera!” he roared, “I nearly died from embarrassment when a picture of the nurse’s snatch slipped out of it! How is that cool!?”
“Well,” Trixie said, “you never really specified how you wanted to be cool—”
“—I said maybe I wanted pegasus wings or something! Not a dick-camera!”
“Well, there’s no way I could have done that.”
“Why not!?” he asked, “you clearly can change my body!” He dropped his head onto the bed, reigniting the burning in his crotch. “Whatever. You’re useless unless you can get me the bed controls without turning one of my legs into a chainsaw.” His whining was answered when the bed controls hovered over his stomach surrounded by a pink glow. He looked up at Trixie, eyes widened. “Thank you,” he said as he went about the task of readjusting his bed.
“No problem,” Trixie replied.
The bed whirred as Blue Grass found a comfortable position. He smiled slightly. “Well, now that that’s over with, I can call the doctor to see what the hay is wrong with—”
“NO!” Trixie shouted as she held out a hoof, causing the stallion to stare cock-eyed at her.
Blue Grass’s hoof hovered over the button. “What?”
“Don’t tell the doctor! They’ll remove your enhancement, and my hard work, in a flash!”
Blue Grass snorted. “Hah hah. A camera joke. Why would I even want a camera for a cock, anyway?”
“Um...um…” Trixie said as she tapped her chin nervously. “You could...ah...be a superhero!”
Blue Grass raised an eyebrow at that. “Go on,” he said as he lowered his hoof to his side, “I’m listening.”
“Well, ah,” Trixie quavered out as she started sweating, “you could, uh, fight crime with the power of your camera cock!”
“Interesting...so I would...flash them into submission?”
“Um, yes, that could work.”
“Then I’ll need a superhero name to go along with my superhero power!” Blue Grass said.
“Yes!” Trixie said, “and what will your superhero name be?”
Blue Grass tapped his chin and thought on this long and hard. He wanted something cool, something edgy...something that wouldn’t get him laughed out of a fight. He sat there for a few minutes, Trixie shifting agitatedly. He finally lifted his head. “I’ve got it!”
“Yes?” Trixie asked while nodding her head.
“From now on, I proclaim myself…
“DICK FLASH!”
Trixie blinked a few times. “Dick Flash? Really?”
“Yes,” Blue Grass said as he smiled, “Dick Flash. It’s the coolest name I could come up with.”
“That explains quite a bit,” Trixie muttered. She then looked at Blue Grass. “Well, let’s get you out of here before they decide to change your member back.”
“Really? But I can barely move,” Blue Grass whined. A pink glow surrounded him as he was lifted up in the air and placed onto his hooves, yowling the entire time.
“Well, that takes care of that,” Trixie said with a smirk.
Nurse Redheart was busy filling out paperwork at the front desk, having been relieved from floor duty after the… incident. Her cheeks flushed as she recalled the episode in question where the stallion named Blue Grass took a picture of her nethers. She had no idea how he had done it, but it flustered her all the same.
“Ahem.”
Redheart lifted her head to come face-to-face with… the very stallion who had taken a picture of her, along with Trixie. She put on a fake smile. “Hello, how may I help you?”
“Um, I…” he started. He then turned his head towards Trixie, who whispered something into his ear. He nodded and turned his head back to Redheart. “I want to sign myself out,” he said as he winced.
Nurse Redheart stared at Blue Grass. “Are you sure? You don’t look so good.”
“No, I’m fine. I want to sign myself out.”
“Well, let me just give you a quick examination to see if you’re alright. Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” he said without thinking. Trixie facehoofed while Redheart rose from behind the desk and approached Blue Grass, who started sweating as the attractive mare approached him and started touching him everywhere, which excited him very much. His member heavied up under him and let out a whirring sound. Redheart stopped examining him and stared at Blue Grass, frowning.
“Are you up to something?”
“No,” Blue Grass said. Just then, a blinding flash emitted from his dick and blinded Redheart. Redheart regained her sight to see a small photo under Blue Grass. Curious, she bent down and examined it.
It was a picture of her snatch.
Redheart’s cheeks turned a shade of roseate as she saw the picture and glared at Blue Grass. “I should have known you were up to something!” she yelled at him.
Blue Grass backed away slowly. “I swear, it wasn’t me! Okay, maybe it was me, but it was really more you for touching me like that!”
“Oh no,” Redheart said as she shook her head, “I’m taking this picture and reporting you to the police this instant!” The photograph was snatched up in front of her in a pink glow, floating itself towards Trixie.
“Not if I post this in Town Square first,” she said with a wicked grin. “My friend here just wanted to sign himself out, but you had to put your hooves on him, you… you… temptress!”
Redheart stared at Trixie, nonplussed. “What? I was just giving him a quick exam!”
“Oh, really?” Trixie said. She chuckled as she shook her head. “Then why does this picture exist?” she asked, holding up the photo in front of Redheart.
“Because he’s a filthy pervert!”
“I think you’ve got the wrong idea, Nurse,” Trixie said. “The only reason that this picture exists is because you excited him.”
“Nonsense! He took it because he’s a lecherous ne’er-do-well…” Redheart started before she quieted down to reflect on what Trixie had said. She backed away slowly. “You’re not saying…”
“Let him go, or this picture will be posted by ME in Town Square at high noon.”
Nurse Redheart and Trixie were locked in a tense battle of wills while Blue Grass stood on, still embarrassed that his wang had gotten him into more trouble. At least he had a friend to bail him out of it now. He felt weird having a friend. It kind of felt like eating a sticky bun from Sugarcube Corner, only less sticky and with less cinnamon...he quickly decided that it wasn’t anything like a sticky bun. But he still enjoyed it. And he enjoyed sticky buns. So he guessed friendship was like a sticky bun in some sense.
Finally, Nurse Redheart lowered her head. “Fine. You can go.”
“That’s what I thought,” Trixie said with a smirk. She turned away. “Come on, Blue Grass, we’re leaving.” She trotted towards the door, then turned her head. “Blue Grass!”
“What?” Blue Grass said as he was shaken from his reverie. “What happened?”
Trixie pressed her eyes shut, then opened them. “We’re leaving.”
“Oh, okay!” he said. He waved to Redheart. “Thank you!”
“Just get the fuck out of here,” Redheart said.
“Jeez, who pissed in your coffee?”
Redheart pointed towards the door. “Out. Now.”
Blue Grass shrugged and turned towards the door. He took a step, stopped by a shooting pain through his cock. “Ow, shit!”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “What is it now?”
“My dick hurts.”
“Ugh, just walk it off.”
Blue Grass nodded and limped out the door, following Trixie out of the hospital. When they got outside, Blue Grass wrapped Trixie in a tight hug.
“What are you doing?” Trixie asked as she tried fruitlessly to escape the hug.
“You were great in there! You saved my ass from whatever they charge perverts with!”
“I think it’s a sex crime. Now could you please stop hugging me?”
“Why?” Blue Grass asked. “You just saved my ass from a sex crime!”
“Seriously, stop. You’re poking me.”
Blue Grass pulled away. “What? I’m not poking you.” A whirring sound could soon be heard.
“Oh, no,” Trixie said as she backed away, but it was too late as a bright flash went off, blinding both of them, depositing a photograph of a frightened Trixie beneath Blue Grass.
Blue Grass blushed. “Sorry.”
“First order of business is getting that thing under control.” Trixie shook her head. “Ugh, I’m seeing spots now…”
“But my dick hurts!” Blue Grass whined.
“Then we’ll get you some asprin!”
“And I still have a headache!”
“What part of asprin did you not understand?”
“But you have to get the kind with the caffeine in it—”
“—then we’ll get you the kind with the caffeine in it! Alright!?”
Blue Grass lowered his head. “Alright.” He then lifted his head up. “Still, thank you for saving my ass back there.”
Trixie nodded, still dazed from the flash. “It’s not a problem. Anything for a friend, right?”
“Right,” Blue Grass replied as he smiled.
Author's Note
This chapter written in collaboration with my friend Syeekoh.
