Ain't No Good Being Bad

Sun was already setting behind the hulks of mountains, and Nick, commonly known as Hawkri, was making his way through the massive bush grove. His disposition was growing worse by the minute - it was getting all darker, outmatching even the ever-looming dusk under the trees of the forest, settled on the mountain sides.

And those bushes were kind of spiky as hell.

"Fucking bushes." - Our hero muttered, pushing his frame through the especially tightly intertwined branches.

His effort was lost fruitless, though, which made him growl and produce a small, claw-kind curved blade. It took exactly fifteen seconds and twenty-two potent swears to clear the path, as Hawkri had finally stumbled onto the small flat platform, jutting from the mountain like a lump.

"Hell fucking yes." - He dropped a backpack and plopped himself onto the soft grass, extending his worn-out legs.

Today he had almost set a record in walking, climbing, swimming and running - much like a triathlons, but without a cycle.

"Okay, now, let's get some heat and some chow. Then - off to hit the hay."  - three weeks off the civilization was paying its toll, and Hawkri began already to forget how to speak long and intelligible sentences.

Well shit, this does not bother him the slightest.

The fire was set, the bed was made of soft fir branches, and the flasks were all again filled with crystal clear water. Jerked meat left the tingling aftermath in the mouth, and Hawkri, after smoking a cigarette, yawned and went to sleep.

Morning came early, basking the mountains in the warm glow of the sun and caressing the forest with its rays. Hawkri opened his eyes to see the fire dying quietly, morning dew evaporating on the hot coals, and smiled.

Quick breakfast and quick wash completed his preparations for the day, and so he was prepared to move to the top.

High above the ground he stood, hugged by the clouds. Jerking wind tried to drop him down, but of no avail - our hero clanged hard.

This was one superb view from above. Nice. Neat fields, small patches of villages, bigger ones, gray with concrete - towns and cities, darker blobs of forests and - within the eye reach- was an ocean of green grass, combed by the wind.

Neat.

So, Hawkri was quite familiar to the scenery, so he produced a map and a compass from his backpack and oriented himself. Next point was about forty miles south-south-west. About a day of plain walking, no breaks. Fine.

Descending the mountain, he never expected, what the outcome would be.

Crossing the flat steppe, he ran into a boggy ravine, which was concealed with a tall grass.

"Fuck you." - Hawkri tried to pull himself out of the bog, but of no avail.

It was a pure trap - narrow, not too deep - about two Hawkri's heights, and the bottom was all covered in a soft soil, drenched with water. Our hero tried to pull his left leg out to press it into the wall, but that was kind of tricky. He was only exerting himself without any result, and the bog seemed to suck him in with each jerk he executed.

"Motherfucking ravine, I curse you and ye kids!" - man's voice stopped short, chuckling at the very idea of "ravine children". This helped none, whatever, and he just decided to wait.

Smoking the third altogether cigarette, he noticed a strange smell, which made him feel funny. Fuck. Mine gas? Swamp gas? The breath of soil? Fuck knows, but this is not doing any better.

Clenching the cigarette in his teeth, Hawkri pressed both his hands above his head hard, fixing himself fast between the walls.

"Gurrrrrrrr...!!!" - a powerful steady lift was executed, making veins on a man's forehead bulge with effort, and his legs being slightly pulled off the bog.

"Graaaaaaahhhhh!!!" - and again, legs were lifted up from the greedy clinch of the soft soil.

"Unf!" - with a plop, the lower quarters of Hawkri were free, and he made his way off the trench, sweating, huffing, spitting earth, that had fallen into his mouth.

"Fucking motherfucker." - he spat into the trench and laid on his back, watching the sky. Shit took too much strength, and he drove off to slumber all of a sudden. Through his dream he heard a flapping of a wings, some muffled voices and a careful shooing, as if somebody were afraid to wake him up. Also there was a strange sensation of waving up and down, as if he had mounted a sea wave. But shit, he was asleep and never gave a single fuck. Yeah. He loved dropping the "F-bomb", that's just he being himself.

Nevertheless, once he had waken up, or rather, regained consciousness, he spotted a strange cerulean colored entity, that nudged him ever so slightly.

"What the fuck is that and where the fuck am I?" - our hero demanded in a chill tone.

"Wow, it can talk!" - a high-pitched, feminine voice stated out.

"Fuck you, I sure can speak." - Hawkri opened his eyes wider to see an equine-like creature with wings and tattoo on a flank.

Fucking ponies. That's it, now it is too much of a cliché.

"Is it Equestria?"

"How would ya know?"

"Just a wild guess, okay?" - our hero was irritated by the "warm welcome". "So, friendship is magic and shit like that, huh? What do you do to intruders, send them to the Moon or to the Green Mile?"

Pegasi seemed bemused. Then the cerulean one demanded:

"What in the hay are you talking about, mate? What Green Mile?"

Okay, they've never read Stephen King, that's it.

" 'Kay. Name's Hawkri. And you are, as I presume, Rainbow Dash?"

"Yup." - the pony seemed never astonished with the expertise, like, she was known all over this pity world.

What a shame. What a laugh.

"And you must be Fluttershy. Alright." - Hawkri waved at the butter-yellow Pegasus with a pink, curtain-like mane.

"Well, ladies, pleased to meet you, but I better go back. Got trek to complete and shit to do." - the last second he dodged a speedy buck. Shit, that was close.

"Don't you use foul language near the foals!" - someone else screeched with anger. Hawkri turned his head to see a pissed-off mulberry-colored pony with a flower tattoo and pink curly mane.

"Aw, shit. Cheerilee, isn't it? My bad." - out hero executed a courteous bow, mocking the situation.

It was quiet. Only the jay bird clicked somewhere afar.

"So... You're a human, right?" - a tiny voice had broken the silence, and Hawkri was stunned to see the shy Pegasus to begin the conversation.

"Yup. How the f..." - he stopped, seeing the growling Cheerilee. - "how would you know?"

"Nah, we got plenty of ya guys accidentally dropping by. But it's the first time I see such a brute." - Dash took off and flew around Hawkri. "Nice plot, by the way. An athlete?"

Maaan, that was getting shittier by the minute.

"Yup. Kinda."

"So, you are a human and an athlete. But what are you doing here, in Equestria? And how do you know Equish?"

"Well, I dunno, lawl. And back in my place we call this language "English". - out hero scratched his outgrown beard and chuckled. "The fact is that I was on a one-man survival trek and had fallen into some shit pond. After dragging my ass outta there I was laying on the grass. Awoken here. Clear enough?"

"Well, we've found ya at the Everfree forest, on the Froggybottom Swamp. Thought ya're a bear, but you looked nothing like." - Dash chimed in.

"So we brought you here and are waiting for girls to come..." - Fluttershy murmured.

" 'kay, ladies, nice to meet you, but - ow!" - Hawkri doubled in pain with an unexpected buck in the gut. It was so well-placed, that he hit even through the tensed in reflex abdomen muscles and made light go out for a while, as well as a breath.

"Haaaaaaafffff... What the..."

Cheerilee stood into the sight:

"Don't dare you use the foul language around foals!"

"I can't see any foals!" - wheezed Hawkri, gasping for air and trying to stop the world spinning.

"Well, I do!" - scolded the teacher mare, flipping her tail in an irritated manner.

"Okay, miss... Copy that... Owwww..." - our hero tried to stand up, and after some failures he succeeded. Raising his top, he saw a two burning crimson horseshoe stamps.

"Miss Cheerilee, can you do me a favor?"

"Hmm?"

"Never do that any again, please. The next buck will send me to visit the Heavens." - Nick spat out some blood-stained saliva and explored his mouth with his tongue. Shoot, he bit a cheek pretty hard. Well, shit happens.

"Never use foul language again around foals - and we have a deal."

" 'kay."

The rest of the day Nick spent healing his wounds. He located a small patch of medical herbs and a beehive on the tree.

After nearly killing his lungs to smoke the bees out, he quickly prepared a remedy under his granddad's recipe.

"Fuuuuuuccckkk, feels so good..." - he moaned out, rubbing the thick ointment into his wounds, that were no more burning crimson and now were swelling with purple and blue hues. Fabulous, as they say.

"Unf, this is all good, but still..." - he threw a glance at his pocket watch. Waterproof, strike-proof, precise - he gave almost half his salary to get those, but on the trek they paid out.

"At home it is already night..." - closing his eyes a bit, Hawkri aimed his palm in between the sun and the horizon.

"Okay, five fingers flat, means in an hour and a quarter it will be dark. Must find some torchwood." - said means done, if we're speaking of our hero.

But the Fate decided the other way.

"Oh my!" - Somebody (or rather somepony) squealed, galloping away. Carrying a huge bunch of firewood, Nick was not able to see, who.

"Hey! Hey!! Wait!" – dropping his luggage, he rushed after the screaming figure, that was dashing through the bushes towards the clearing in the thick wall of trees, where some hay-covered hut or, rather, a cottage was seen.

"Да чтоб тебя…Stop it, goddamn!" – murmured Hawkri in his native language under his breath, slamming his way through. All he could have seen was a yellowish hue of a coat and a bit of pink mane. Or was it a tail? He did not gave a fuck, he just needed to find out who was the pony who was brave enough to visit the Everfree by the nightfall time.

So, our hero heard a door slam shut, and dropped his speed, breathing heavily and pulling some spikes out of his anorak.

"Мать твою по бабушке…" - he spat out again, lighting a cigarette.

A quick glance into the pack stated, that they were not coming over. Another pleasant surprise. But okay, this was the magical world of multicolored talking horses.

Sorry, ponies.

After throwing the useless butt away, Nick noticed a mailbox near the small bridge, settled over the creek.

"Fluttershy. Daaayum…" - he whistled before coming up to the door and knocking as gently as he could. Nevertheless, his ragged fists packed quite a punch, and door was shaking feverously.

"GO AWAY!!!" – Now that was one hell of a volume. After shaking that off his head, Hawkri knocked again, now with one knuckle and called out:

"Fluttershy? Hawkri here…"

"GET THE HAY OUT OF HERE!!! I AM… Who was it, again?" – the door opened ever so slightly, revealing one scare-filled eye and a patch of curtain-like mane.

"Hawkri." – Our hero tried to put on his most friendly smile and waved a hand.

"Oh… Okay… Well, maybe you will come in?.." – Fluttershy murmured so quietly, that she was even barely heard.

"If you’re, umm, okay with that?"

"Sure. Thank you." – squatting slightly, Hawkri climbed inside the comfortable cottage.

"Flutters… Are you okay with that?"

"Yes…" - a sheepish answer came out.

"Alright. Hey, don’t be so shy! I am totally okay with that. Well, I was wondering – what were you doing in the forest by the nightfall? Presuming that this place is kind of… unwelcoming?"

Fluttershy purred out something purely unintelligible, hiding behind her mane.

"Guess, you were just walking. Твою же дивизию…" - Hawkri let out a weary sigh, polishing his glasses against his T-shirt.

So it was quiet. As quiet as it could be in a house full of creatures of all sorts. Mice were playing on the table, various birds were chirping up in their ceiling-mounted nests – one jaybird had even landed onto Hawkri’s shoulder, looking curiously into his face with its bead-eye.

"Kinda dark it gets here". – no answer.

"Она вообще живая, ёб твою мать?" – lighting a candle and putting some more light to the place, Hawkri went out to the porch for some smoke.

The growling of his stomach, however, seemed to bring Fluttershy out of her trance.

"Are you hungry?!" – she leapt up and rushed towards some kind of buffet, scurrying through the shelves.

"Yeah, kinda, but I am…" - Nick’s words were ignored, as Fluttershy has already planted a small bowl, filled with something that reminded a cat food. The dry one.

"Ну пиздец…" - Hawkri took a sniff, put one into the mouth. Nothing like a jerked meat. And it has brought a desert-like draught into his mouth.

"Gawddammit, Fwuttewshy! Pweaz, ah need wata!"

"What, sorry?"

"WATA!!!"

"Water?" – Fluttershy gasped and grabbed a carafe of water, passing it to the dying of thirst Hawkri.

Downing half a carafe in one gulp, our hero let out a content sigh.

"Thanks for the effort, Shy, but I can handle myself." – producing a strip of meat from his backpack, he began gnawing at it, chewing and munching.

"Okay… Hawkri, was it?"

"Yup."

"Maybe you could stay for the night?.. It’s kinda dark already, and you are… If you’re okay with that?"

"Appreciate the invitation, Shy, but I’m…" - Nick was stopped mid-sentence, startled with the Stare he was given. No shit, man, that was a capital "S" Stare.

"Okay. :3" – if he ever could fold his ears downwards and pull his tail between his legs – he would have done it this instant. But alas, his ears remained untouched by the sides of his head, and an non-existent tail was lolling from side to side in a mocking manner.

"Твою дивизию…" - was all he could muster under his breath while Fluttershy was making him a makeshift bed.

This is going to be a long night…