Ain't No Good Being Bad

Hawkri was last seen in a cottage of Fluttershy, right? And so, this was one cliffhanger for him. On the one hand, he sure could have managed himself. On the other, the Stare scared him shitless. Counting that nothing in the world could have made our hero startled, this one was now officially beyond weird.

Nevertheless, though, as the Sun rose slightly above the horizon, Hawkri was already all set. He sneaked his way to the cottage door, making sure he doesn’t make the slightest noise.

"Да ну его нахуй, такое гостеприимство…" - he murmured to himself, clearly understanding what a jerk he is right now. Still, he never gave a single fuck.

The trickiest part was to get out without accidentally stepping onto animals, scattered all across the floor, sleeping. But, with the help of an unknown evil deity, without any doubt, he managed to complete this ultimate quest and to get the hay out of this creepy, but hospitable house.

"Daaaaaayyyyum~" - he sighed out, stretching his back and lighting a cigarette; the day was only beginning, and the morning dew was all over the grass. Some kind of a small town, or rather, a big village, laid underneath, coated with night fog. Jutting from the very chest of Mother Earth, as a spike, was some kind of a towering mountain. Squinting his eyes ever so slightly, Hawkri found out that there was some kind of a railway, leading to a gingerbread-like castle, built right on the mountain slope.

"Ну охуеть теперь…" - smirked our hero, spitting away the cigarette butt and strolling carelessly towards the settlement in front of him.

Yet, his easy stride was interrupted with something pretty unusual. An envelope, wrapped into the rough brown paper, had fallen right to his feet, making him jump with unexpected irritant.

"Dafuq it came from?" – our hero’s inquiry was immediately satisfied, as another, similar envelope had landed to his head. Not that heavy – like a stack of letters, or something alike – but it made Nick pissed off rather seriously.

"Да мать твою ёб, что за хуета тут творится?!" – spitting out such potent swears, he produced his knife – a curved, claw-like blade and took a stand, ready to slice and dice.

But of no avail, as a gray Pegasus mare landed before him. She was sporting twin brown saddlebags with a large letters “Equestria Mail” on them. Her long blonde mane and matching tail were flowing in the light morning breeze, and the tattoo of bubbles was proudly displayed on her flank.

UNF! DAT ASS!! Uhm, sorry, where was I?

"Hey, mister – sorry, I dropped some… You ‘kay?" – the mailmare demanded, turning her head to Nick and pouting slightly as if in remorse. He would have even believed her – but he never gave a fuck, for instance. And second, the mare had a disorder with her eyes. Beautiful, amber-colored eyes – but one of them was turned to the sky, as another was taking its natural place. This one looked creepy, as if the mare was trying to keep an eye on both the sky and the ground. Sadly, she was not a chameleon.

"I’m all peachy. Are you?" – our hero ate his swear and handed the Pegasus her envelope. Something was so much touching in her disorder. Yet, he wasn’t here to help poor derped ponies. He shouldn’t have been here at the first place. So the mission of our hero was kind of clear – to get the fuck out of here by any means.

"I’m Ditzy Doo, but everypony call me Derpy!" – the voice of a recent assailant drew Hawkri from his deep thoughts. Derpy, huh? Well, that hit the spot – she was just beaming.

"Hawkri. Or call me Nick. Whatever." – Nick shrugged off such nonsense as his very fucking own name. He was not intended on making friends or some like that. Not like he hated ponies. No, he liked them as they love animals, but nothing more. Every time he saw a pony, he caught himself at the thought he would pack it with steroids and vitamins till it won’t grow to a normal horse size.

Yet, this is all another story.

"Nice to meet you, Hawkri! Wanna muffin? "– bubbled Derpy, handing a baked goodie to our hero. Like, seriously – a muffin. Fair-sized, still warm, lemon-scented muffin! Enough to make the mouth water and mind flood with the images of steaming cup of hot coffee and a cigarette. Like, perfect preppy breakfast.

"Much obliged… Der… Ditzy." – our hero may have swallowed a lump in his throat – presuming he gave a fuck. But he did not. Putting a muffin into his backpack, he addressed the mailmare, poking her slightly into the forehead with his thumb:

"Hey, Derpy – what the f-*cough!* is this settlement? What’s it called?"

"Oh, there? There’s Canterlot!" – a Pegasus waved her hoof easily towards the mountain-built castle.

"Wha??" – Hawkri was so dumbfounded, that he had facepalmed like a goofball. Nevertheless, he quickly regained himself and turned the mare’s head towards the small village down in the valley.

"I’ve meant this one."

"Oh! That’s Ponyville! See there – there’s my house!" – Derpy was simply rejoiced, smiling with a cute squee.

Shit, I wanna rip her damn head off, our hero thought to himself. If they call this a house – what is the shack then?

"Okay, Der… Ditzy! I presume, you have some rounds to do, eh?"

"Yup…" - the mare obviously lost much of her vigor with the reminding of her job. She sure wanted to goof off with a strange bipedal asshat, which dropped by all of a sudden.

"Well then, I’ll go! Okay? If I need everything – I’ll come see ya! ‘Kay?" – our hero smiled, as if he was talking to a mentally retarded child, and waved a hand. – "See ya!"

" ‘kay..."

“Goddamn it. I must go back home, cornsarn it!” – Hawkri mused to himself, irritated and munching on an apple he accidentally snatched from the stall when an orange pony with blonde mane and tail, sporting a Stetson hat and a three apple tattoo on her ass. Unf! Dat booty~

Well, our hero’s mind quickly drifted back to his troubling issue rather than horse arses. And that was that his homeland was fuck knows where. So, he had to find a way to get back to this fuck knows where.

"Блядь, ну вообще роскошно! Застрять тут, блядь, когда дома еще охуеллион дел! Все, ребята, я так не играю! Бля!..." – the rant was stopped short, as Nick was knocked down with something fluffy, pink and extremely puffy. This something simply bounced up and down, blabbering something unintelligible and flashing a bright cyan eyes.

"Blllllppp!!! Blllrt!! Blllrt-bllp?"

"Dafuq?" – for the second time this very day, our hero was acting like a total goofball. This is a damn record! Someone, call for a Guinness team!

"BLLLLLLRRRT!!" – the pink fluffy something blew a raspberry to Nick and took off at a significant speed.

"Пиздец какой-то…" - standing up and dusting himself off, Hawkri beheld the pity remnants of an apple with a sorrow. This was a good one!

"Срань Господня, блядь." – he spat, lit a cigarette and continued his track around the market square.

By the end of the day he had a balance of a couple of coin-filled pouches, one ragged fist and a black eye. Not bad! Speaking of someone who was feeling really bad… Some Minotaur shithead thought he was good enough to flip his shit at Nick. Too bad for him.

So, counting his plunder and touching his bruised eye, our hero smiled and led his steps to some kind of coffee shop.

"Cappuccino, triple shot! I want it rock hard!" – he bellowed, scaring the shit out of a lanky stallion behind the counter.

"W-would you like something to eat with that, s-sir? W-we hav-ve th-the f-finest Apple family treats…" - the barista looked like he was going to shit himself.

"Speaking of which!" – Hawkri produced a carefully wrapped muffin. – "I will eat this one. Just heat it up a bit, ‘kay? Keep the change, by the way." – a pouch slammed against the counter with a metal clanging.

The barista’s eyes widened in shock:

"S-sir, this one is a bit too much bits for a coffee…"

"Consider this as a bonus for my good mood." – Nick grinned sinisterly, sending the poor stallion almost in a state of shock.

He turned as pale as a snow, which was visible even on his cream-colored coat.

"Y-yes, sir. Please, make yourself at home."

"I will, numbnuts. Where’s da toilet?"

Stallion had shown the way, trembling feverously. He had almost fainted. Poor fellow.

After making his exterior a bit more appealing to the situation, Hawkri went back to his table and took a sip of potent, spiked a bit with a Irish Cream, coffee.

"I never asked for liquors!"

"Th-this one is on the house, sir!"

" 'kay, I can get used to it…" - extending his legs, man leaned back in a comfortable sofa and lit a cigarette. Muffin scents wafted all around, making him more and more hungry by the minute.

Couple of minutes passed, and our hero was dragged out of his Nirvana by the ringing doorbell and the soft clip-clopping of hooves against the floor.

There was Fluttershy, along with some crazy-looking pink mare. Damn, such a pink hue made Hawkri’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets and goof around. But that was not the very upmost trouble.

The pink shithead never stopped babbling and bouncing, like she was high or something. Her puffy and curly mane and matching tail bounced all around, and stray hair flown all around the air.

"Aaarr… aaaarr… ATSCHOO!! Ебануться!" – Hawkri swore, dragging a long, curled, pink hair out of his nostril. – "Это уже, бля, слишком!"

"Hey, you there!" – ponies in the café looked around to find out, whom is addressing this brute. "Yeah, you, with the balloons on arse!"

"I’m Pinkie Pie! And you?! Gosh, I am so glad to see the new face around here, I could just BLAST!!" – the last word this hyperactive, probably meth-snorted ponylike menace screeched at the very top of her lungs, aside from her high-pitched, rattling manner of speaking. To complete the picture of the obliteration around, she produced out of nowhere a large cannon and fired it.

“BOOM!” – and Hawkri was all covered in streamers, glitters, balloons and other party-related rubbish.

"Ну пиздец, ну попал." – he hissed to himself, dragging some streamers out of his coffee.

"Well, Pinkie Pie, I am Hawkri Pie, and I am kind of irritated with loud sounds and noisy mares." – the amount of venom in this phrase could have killed an elephant right away, but Pinkie never mentioned.

"Hawkri? Wow!! What kind of name is Hawkri?? Is it like “Hawks cry” or a “Crying Hawk” or…"

"It’s like “Hawk” and “Kankri”." – our hero felt his brain swelling, as if it was going to blast any second and stain all around in gore. No way.

"Wow!!!" – wheezed Pinkie Pie, her eyes a size of saucers.

"Okay, Pinkie, if there are no objections…"

"Um… Hawkri? "– a familiar tiny, barely audible voice hit man’s ears. He shrunk, as if waiting for a hard blow.

The latter never followed, as Shy approached our hero as carefully as if he was an armed warhead.

"If you’ve found the corpse – it wasn’t me! The gun is planted, the drugs are my prescribed remedies, here is the receipt, and the massacre is nothing to do with it!!"

"Eh…" - the look of astonished Fluttershy planted a seed of remorse for being such a goofball into Hawkri’s mind. However, it was doomed to stay a seed for, like, eternity.

"I was just wondering… if you could come with us… so that girls would come to know you… if you’re okay with that…" - the yellow Pegasus’ voice was gradually coming down and down, until the last sentence was a barely audible whisper. Like a nonexistent gust of wind.

"Nah. I gotta get outta here back to my place. And right now am eating a muffin and enjoying myself, so – excuse me." – Perfectly satisfied with his own answer, Hawkri leant backwards and downed the remaining coffee, complete with the almost cold muffin. This one was good, one had to admit. Near perfect, as they say.

"Burp~ - d’aw, shit, I’m sorry." – Nothing indicated that a single pony believed in such bullshit, but Hawkri needed no appreciation. He had stuff to do and the first point in the checklist was a small joyride to Canterlot. Or whatever it was.

"Хуякс-хуякс – еще хомякс!" – our hero, now sated, chimed to himself, slightly dancing like a moron, making his way to the station. He also managed to snatch a couple more pouches, so he was not such a hobo or a fare-dodger. Nay, he was supposed to pay for himself, even if he borrowed a little from some ponies. He never gave a single fuck. Well, as usual.

"One ticket to Canterlot, please". – He handed a handful of bits to the cashier.

Seeing the astonished look on a pony’s muzzle, he added: "И пошевеливайся, манда корноухая!"

After finally getting the demanded, he boarded the train and produced a compass from his pocket.

"Бля… Не работает!" – indeed, the needle was swirling all round the circle – like the north itself decided to play hide-and-seek and left his natural position.

" 'kay, either it is another magnetic field in here; either I am just a dumb fuck." – The second option was also available, but never considered, of course.

It was a long and tiring ride. Twice Hawkri went to the tambour to smoke, and twice also he felt like drifting to slumber.

Strange thoughts were crowding in the back of his mind, blocked well with the wall of Not Giving A Single Fuck:

“Why do I act like a complete asshole?”

“Those ponies deserved nothing like these – hospitable and nice, never seen a judging glance.”

“This is kind of not like me, firsthand. And still, I am the representative of a human race. I simply must stop being such an asshat.”

Those righteous thoughts, that began a sneaky diversion in our hero’s mind, were, alas, harshly interrupted, as somepony – an aging stallion, with dark-blue coat and a black with white locks mane dropped a coffer onto Hawkri’s leg.

"Fuck!! Are there fucking bricks in there?!" – our hero wheezed, pulling his traumatized limb from under the heavy luggage.

"I am so sorry, sir, I’ve tripped, and…"

"Говна наебни, дядя!" – flipping a bird to the stallion, Hawkri grinned nastily. This seemed enough for him, and he, satisfied with his revenge, turned to the window and closed his eyes, drifting to the dreamless slumber.

"Canterlot! Everypony off the train!" – Conductor’s voice called out, covering the screech of brakes and the sighing of steam. Hawkri leapt up from his slumber, trying to figure out just anything.

"Wha? Мам, сегодня же у меня выходной… Aw, okay. I’m here, am I?" – he addressed his own reflection in the carriage window. Reflection told nothing, sporting a familiar sneer and a ruffled hair. Never bothered him the slightest, of course.

So, pulling up his pants, Hawkri stepped into the world of haughty rich assholes and the fancy exteriors, hiding an unpleasant interior.

"Looks like capital, I say!" – he exclaimed, turning his head around to see the architecture.

It truly was fabulous. This was a kind of a small megapolis for the ponyfolk, the center of the whole Empire of Equestria.

Alas, our hero was so amazed with the scenery, that he accidentally bumped into something.

"Watch your step, plebs!" – an arrogant stallion - a rare kind of jerk, judging by the frown – looked at Hawkri from upside down, even though he was, as Hawkri stated, “sniffing my belly button”.

"My bad, sorry." – our hero tried to kiss and make up, but the arrogant asshat never let him.

"Do you even expect, who am I?"

"Don’t have the slightest idea." – “You’ll become a dog meat, if you won’t shut the fuck up.”, thought our hero to himself.

"I am Duke Saddleton!" – was it a name? Or a title? Or all at once?

"Ну и мудила… Okay, your Snobbery – I am Nick Hawkri, the Ambassador of Mankind. Any questions?"

Duke seemed to deflate a bit. Looked again at Hawkri – outgrown bristle, black eye, camo pants, old anorak, worn T-shirt, heavy trekking boots – and smirked nastily.

"Can I see your insignia then, your Grace?"

"No, you cannot." – with a quick step up to the Duke, Hawkri pummeled him hard into the jaw. The haughty asshat hadn’t even had time to squeak, as he was already on the ground, opening and closing his mouth, as a fish out of water. The resemblance was quite picturesque, due to the nearly popped out eyes.

Nick crouched near the noble menace:

"Back in my place, we eat those like you. Copy that, dog meat?" – and, turning his back to the beaten opponent, our hero made his way further, lighting a cigarette.

"Терпеть не могу таких заносчивых мудозвонов. Бесят просто."

Day passed rather peacefully. If saying peaceful you’ll consider no fights, no tomfoolery on the central city square and no runaways from the angry mob. Because speaking of our hero – rather peaceful meant exactly the latter.

Escaping a full-fledged stampede, he jumped over the tall fence, landing right into the hedge.

"Айябляаа!!!" – falling off helped none, as well, and after exerting his vast arsenal of swears in multiple languages, Nick finally managed to get out. Leaving a shreds of anorak and pieces of his own skin on the spikes, he rolled out and was stopped short by the voice. Low, but feminine and soft nevertheless.

"And what are you doing here, fair sir? "

Before Hawkri stood a tall pony, sporting along with the horn a pair of folded wings, small black coronet and a collar-like harness. Her mane and tale were flowing at the nonexistent wind and looked like some nebula in the night sky. Looked awesome.

"Err, just trying to escape the stampede. Sorry, miss…"

"Luna. Princess Luna." – the tone of the royal voice never changed, but a great power was to be heard behind it.

"Лучше ее не злить…" - muttered our hero, dusting him off and kneeling on a right knee before the royalty.

"Princess, my name is Nick Hawkri. Pleasure to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine. We’ve heard that you have attacked the Duke Saddleton, is that so?" – Luna cocked her head to the side in amusement.

"Yeah. That ballshitter got what he deserved." – Hawkri stretched himself, smiling to the Princess of the Night.

To his bemusement, this statement only made Luna giggle in a silver bell-like manner.

"How right you are, fair sir! He was one rare jerk. Just you don’t say Celestia about that. She would not understand."

"Er, ‘kay, yer Highness. Just one question – who the f… err, who is Celestia?"

"My sister and the Princess of the Sun, of course!" – another fit of laughter from Luna stunned Hawkri completely.

" ‘kay, milady… Hey, what for the everloving fuck’s sake is that?!" – Nick exclaimed in a state of thrill, as he approached a rather ugly statue of a strange creature.

It had long, snake-like body, slightly pony-like head with two mismatching horns jutting from it, a lion’s paw and an eagle’s claw for the upper limbs and the goat’s hoof and a dragon’s paw – for the lower. The picture was complete with the long tail with a tuft at the end and an unkempt goatie.

"This is Discord, the Draconequus, embodiment of Chaos and most hated foe to all of Equestria." – Luna’s features darkened for a second, as she approached Hawkri from behind, wings flaring.

"Unf, those are massive… Well, Princess – as for me he looks like a joke of a drunk scarecrow maker and a blind seamstress, who patched this pieceashit up with one left leg." – Hawkri knocked the statue with his knuckles. Solid rock. Well shit!

"I wish it was true. But since we’ve last turned him into the stone, he used the power of disharmony and discord to reincarnate. Many chaos was wreaked, and if not for the Elements of Harmony – I do not even know how could we have had possibly get him down again."

"Helements of Armory?" – sneered our hero, blowing his nose onto the lawn.

"Such recklessness. No, the Elements of Harmony – Magic, Honesty, Loyalty, Laughter, Generosity and Kindness. These belong to the six ponies of Ponyville."

"Well, how about the Element of Not Giving A Fuck? :3" – Luna frowned at that, but remained her dignity for long enough to not get Hawkri’s ass right there.

She was so close, Nick’s guts were always right about the fact. Or either they were a shitty augur. Best to hope for the latter!

" ‘kay, missus Moon Pony, I gotta get back to Ponyville. Guess my joyride is all over. See ya around!" – waving a hand to the Princess, Hawkri made a brave attempt to assault the fence he got here through.

Luna was watching him with interest, as if he was an interesting animal – exotic and unknown.

After a minute of huffing, swearing and one accidental fart, Hawkri managed to disappear behind the fence.

"FUCK!!!" – was all Luna heard before the sound of multiple hoofs avalanched down on her.

"This is a brewing storm, Discord. Mark my words." – The Princess slowly trotted away to the castle.

And so nopony seen, that the small chunk of stone fell away from the statue right where our hero knocked it.