You Know What They Say About Alicorns

"Hail. The Day Court is ready to stand down."

"Oh, come off it. It's the same old, same old. Her Royal Highness Luna will be here shortly, but until then, we've got time to kill."

"... you know, the princesses hired us to keep order and peace. You could try to take your job a little more seriously."

"Heh, nothing doing. We could be invaded by a giant minotaur made of jelly tomorrow, life's too short to take seriously."

"Seriously, a jelly minotaur."

"No more ridiculous than a dracoequus."

"You are a shame to the court, you know that."

"And you've got that stick shoved so far in I'm surprised your cutie mark isn't a popsicle."

It was the same old argument between the day guard and night guard, a familiar back and forth bickering. Their rivalry never boiled over - but only because they both kept it on a low simmer. However, there was one thing they could both agree on.

"Twilight is doing fine, after her first month in court. I dare say she's enjoying herself, now."

"I'll say. Just look at her - two weeks ago she was a nervous wreck. Now she looks positively bored."

"She'll solve Equestria like it was some sort of particuarly complex equation, I'm certain."

"Ah, here comes my charge, now. Once they do the handoff you'll be out of here and I'll have my seat back. Thanks for keeping it warm for me, chum."

"Well, that'll be some time. This is the only time all three of them really have to talk. So I think I'll keep my seat warm a little longer, thank you."

Day and night guard watched as their newest princess smiled to her mentor, then leaned up for a gentle hug, neck to neck. It was the sort of casual, adoring affection that a princess could never show in public - but now, in this between-time between day and night court, the alicorns could behave like any other sort of pony.

"I'd say she looks quite happy."

"I'd say she looks quite smitten. Just look at those wings fluffing up."

"Princess Twilight? Or Princess Celestia's?"

"Both, really. Look at them, like two fillies acourt."

"For all intents and purpose, Princess Twilight may as well be a filly."

"Her wings certainly pop up like a youngster's."

The day guard gave the night guard a cross look, which the night guard acknowledged in the way he stuck his tongue out.

"You know, it's uncouth to comment on the state of a lady's wings."

"Well, we're talking about the Princesses, here."

"And that means you can disrespect them?"

"No, it means we're not talking about ladies."

"Oh, not this again..."

The room suddenly burst into laughter, as the three alicorns shared a private joke. The three of them were casual and unguarded, making both the guards smile themsleves.

"It's good to see Princess Celestia smiling again. After her sister, Discord, Chrysalis, any of a dozen other things in recent memory, I was beginning to think that laughter had died in the Equestrian throne room."

"Yeah. But watch her eyes, man. Look who they are looking at."

"What? Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight are talking to each other..."

"... and Luna keeps looking between them. She feels like a third wheel. If she didn't have court in a few minutes, I daresay she'd excuse herself."

"Third wheel? Oh, you don't mean..."

"Think about it. Celestia always does that flutter thing when Twilight steps in a room for the first time in the day, and they've started leaving together. Her laughs come so much more easily. And when there's a break and they have nothing to do, they just look at each other."

"My friend... are you saying that our two princesses are in love?"

"Nothing so romantic, I'm afraid. No, I'm just implying that after a thousand years, Celestia finally got her cork popped."

The day guard sputtered, and the night guard laughed heartily, although he quieted down after the noises drew the curious glances of three princesses. With a sheepish grin, he waved, and they readily returned to their conversation.

"I don't know if you're aware, but that phrase usually refers to the male of the species."

"And in this case, it's appropriate. Alicorns have the advantages of all the pony tribes, right?"

"Yes, this is true."

"So it only stands to reason that they have the advantages of all the pony genders, too."

"... friend, your logic is as airtight as it is thought out."

"I know, right? Batpony logic forever."

The day guard grumbled as his younger companion on the night guard preened himself. But, as he looked at the facts, he couldn't help but smile.

"They have been... acting quite affectionately towards each other, lately. And I suppose it makes a sort of sense, thinking about it from Celestia's point of view. Smart, cute, sweet, genuine girl. Saves her sister, saves her niece, stopped world-threatening evil more times than most ponies our age have married."

"Most ponies your age, you mean."

"... that doesn't even make sense."

"Your mom doesn't make sense."

"... anyways. Her student starts to surpass the master - so she doesn't have to look at her as a pupil, but as a peer. And then, just to top it all off- Twilight Sparkle becomes Princess Twilight Sparkle. Suddenly, she has someone she can spend eternity with that is not related to her."

"Wait. Not Cadance?"

"Don't you remember history? Someone had to found the Crystal Empire."

"Oh. So you mean she-"

"... if we assume that Luna, Celestia, and Twilight are... doubly gifted... then we have to assume Cadance is too."

"Ah. But, still, that leaves Celestia incredibly close to an alicorn not of her own flesh and blood."

"True. And this raises the question: Do either of them have enough experience in courting to know about taking the first steps carefully?"

The two guards shared a look, and hung their heads, sharing a mutual sigh.

"So. Our princesses are going out."

"At the very least, they're going at it."

"... you know, now I can't get that image out of my head."

"... neither can I, now."

"Well, stand up straight, angle the hips downwards, and think unsexy thoughts, my friend."

"... you know, that's how the princesses all walk. Hips up high and thighs in tight. Just the thing to hide away their-"

"-I did not need to think about our princesses' priapic problems, either."

"Come on, surely they have the ability to empathi- salutes!"

Quickly, both guards raised their hooves to their foreheads, as Twilight Sparkle and Celestia walked out, leaving Luna to hold court. Neither said a word or made a motion as the princesses nodded to them, but both noticed as their rulers walked in the direction of Celestia's bedchambers - and with their wings softly extended, to touch the other's.

"Well. Now that we've looked..."

"... we can remove all doubt."

"They're in love."

"Or at least in lust. Did you see Celestia shuffling?"

"... I did my best to not see it, friend."

"Do you think Twilight got hers, yet?"

"I'm not following here."

"You know. Her rod of rulership. Her display of imperial force. Her staff of office. The royal weights and measure. Her sheathed sceptre-"

"I caught your meaning after the first euphemism."

"Sorry, I was on a roll. Oh, last one: Her alicorn cannon."

"And if there was any doubt here, you just blew it away."

"You know, I bet that's how it started. First evening thinking of, I don't know, whatever would bring her around - and there's no hiding she changed down there. So there's exactly one pony in the world she can trust. And, well, that conversation could go any of a dozen ways..."

"... but they all end roughly the same. Either they declare love for each other, or at they very least, they stop being afraid of each other."

"And then they banged."

The day guard sighed, and rolled his eyes.

"So, it's true. Our princesses are, if not in love, then at the very least, in the practice of love."

"I have to wonder - who's on top?"

"I - I'd think that would be obvious."

"Who do you think?"

"Well... well, who's bigger, obviously."

"Yes, but our little Princess Twilight's a little control freak. I bet once she tried it she'd never give that position up."

"Why are we discussing which princess goes on top?"

"Why, indeed."

Both guards whirled around to face their boss - the Captain of the Guard, Shining Armor - and raised their hooves to their foreheads. He did not acknowledge them, so they kept in their parade ground formation.

"I've been listening to the both of you talking. So far, you've discussed the sexual attributes of my wife, my sister, and my ruler. I'm certain you would have got around to her sister, if you had been talking much longer."

Shining Armor did not invite question, and he still did not formally acknowedge them. So they kept in formation. That, alone, let them know how completely and utterly boned they were.

"And I know what you're wondering. Are the rumors true?"

The two guards shared a look.

"And I can tell you - yes, it's completely true. At ease, gentlecolts."

The two guards finally relaxed their stances.

"Because you're going to need it. Starting tomorrow, both of you are on stained glass detail until otherwise noticed."

"But, Captain-"

"-neither of us are unicorns. We can't manipulate those tools while climbing the ladder..."

"Funny. I don't recall asking."

"And - how long will this last?"

"I don't know. That's up to her to decide."

Shining Armor pointed across the throne room to Princess Luna, who waved to them, wearing a smug smile that was entirely too feline.

"I'm sure she'll be able to tell you once you've done enough. Look on the bright side - you'll remember this forever as the day you learned quiet conversation carries very well across an empty room."

The two guards looked at each other, their faces going pale.

"So we'll see you both at sunrise sharp tommorow."

"But Captain, my shift goes until sunrise, by definition-"

"Funny. I don't recall asking. Is there anything else?"

The two guardponies looked at each other, and shook their heads. Satisfied, Shining Armor nodded.

"Excellent. I look forwards to these stained glass panels shining like they haven't in centuries. Dismissed."

The two were still stunned - the day guard did not immediately retire to his quarters, and the night guard did not immediately resume his post. So, while he still had their attention, Shining Armor smirked.

"Besides, gentlecolts, there's no reason to speculate. Speaking from personal experience, Cadance is bigger than those three put together."