In Which I Condense a 100k Word Story into a Handful of Conversations
THE PONY PRINCESS AND THE CONFUSING HUMAN
In Which I Condense a 100k Word Story into a Handful of Conversations
By: Queue/Yu/Fanwank/insert pseudonym here
"So. Your moon. It's only up at night and it only has one phase, full."
"Uhh..."
"Whatever kind of relationship it has with this planet, it obviously doesn't operate on the typical orbital model."
"Uhh..."
"I would hardly call it a moon, really. It's more like a texture on a rotating skybox... Er, skysphere."
"What?"
"Basically, you're not the goddess of the moon. You're the goddess of the Dark Side of the Skysphere."
"What?"
"I'm asking if you want to go have sex."
"Thou hast the strangest form of foreplay We have ever seen."
"Luna, you have the fullest moon ever."
"What?"
"The ass was fat."
"Thou art talking about obese donkeys now? We are extremely confused."
"I'm actually talking about aardvarks."
"We are not aardvarks. We are a pony."
"I know, and it's a real shame, too."
"It's... We suppose it's better than thou wanting Us to be an obese donkey."
"This pill is called Viagra? What, pray tell, does it do?"
"Some will fall in love with sperm and drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain."
"We are not sure we follow."
"The fountain is my penis."
"We... We have never... We have never tried "water sports" before."
"Technically, everywhere is where the sun don't shine because there isn't a sun, just a spot light. We're standing on a giant asshole."
"More musings of thy 'skysphere' hypothesis?"
"Well, I suppose this planet could be orbiting a Lagrangian point between the "sun" and the "moon"..."
"Thou said nothing comprehensible. Again."
"I wasn't an astrophysicist. I don't know, either."
"Ah! So thou hast confused thyself! We consider this a momentous occasion!"
"Break out the champagne!"
"Beat the whipping colts!"
"Blaze a joint!"
"Forget thy birth control!"
"Uh..."
"We said nothing, human."
"We sent thy skysphere hypothesis to Our sister's student and protege for perusal."
"Twilight?"
"Yes."
"I'll be interested in reading what she has to say. I mean, using this telescope I can see actual pixels and anti-aliasing. I know that doesn't mean much to you, but it's very typical of things I knew from back home."
"We already have her reply in hoof. It's... It is more confusing than thou art."
"Really? Without the use of human pop culture references?"
"She calls her theory 'Time Cube'. Apparently she latched onto your original idea of a skybox?"
"...Time Cube? Really? Time Cube?"
"Is something wrong?"
"No, no, it's just... That's a human pop culture reference."
"She's serious, Luna! Twilight's serious!"
"She has never been exceptionally stable, but We hardly think this is grounds for committing her to an institution."
"It's not just the crazy nature of the text, Luna. This is an almost word for word manuscript of the human version of the Time Cube text."
"Hoofiscript."
"What?"
"A pony wrote that. With a hoof. Hoofiscript, human."
"Ponies write with their mouths. Wouldn't it be an oralscript? Oh! But Twilight's a unicorn, so she probably used magic. It's a horniscript."
"Ah, so it is like thy Viagra."
"Our sister thanks thee for thy help vanquishing the evil spirit of Otis Eugene Ray from Twilight Sparkle."
"The only reason I knew it wasn't actually her is her Time Cube text mentioned Christianity. Nopony should know about that, although I don't know how she knew about the Time cube, either. At first I just assumed it was just another crazy parallel between our worlds."
"Truthfully, thou art the only one, who read it in full."
"So... you just thought Twilight was..."
"Being Twilight, yes."
"I would sooner trust Pinkie with magic than Twilight."
"Luna... I found a way home."
"Thou... Thou did?"
"I had my suspicions when I first started investigating my skyphere theory. I saw pixels, Luna. Pixels."
"Your fairies again?"
"I... Now that I think about it, you never did ask about those."
"We realized We would never understand thy world. It is beyond Us, so We let thou speak freely and uninterrupted."
"That... This... This isn't going to be easy to explain, then. I guess I thought you were starting to understand me better, but that was a thoughtless mistake."
"So thou... Found a way home?"
"Yes. Y'see... I already am home."
"Thou mean thou art staying here with Us?"
"No. This is a computer simulation, Luna."
"We... We do not understand. We do not wish to understand, human."
"This place is a fabrication, Luna. This world isn't real."
"Stop. We don't want to hear this."
"You are not real, Luna. You're a meaningless collection of zeroes and ones."
"Why art thou saying these things?"
"Because nothing I say in here matters! I just found out the love of my life is a fiction, and I can't do anything to make her real! I can't do anything to make this OK!"
"Can't thou... Can't thou just forget?"
"You're asking me to live a lie."
"That is all we are, then? A lie?"
"Yes, Luna. That's all we are. A lie."
"We... No, I... I would rather be a meaningful lie than an empty truth."
"That's not enough for me, Luna. I wanted to go home from the beginning. I have family and friends out there."
"Thou hast family and friends in here!"
"You don't understand how wrong you are. You never will. You can't."
"Then... This is goodbye?"
"It is, Luna. When I leave the simulation it will deactivate. I'm... I'm sorry. I wish there were another way, but I can't abandon the life I left."
"Just... Just leave..."
"Luna..."
"Leave me."
At the final setting of the sun he left. Luna finally attained the eternal night, which she so desperately desired a millennium ago.
