A man in the land of technicolor mini-horses

Outside of the hospital, the sun was shining brightly. It was sitting high in the sky with no clouds to obstruct it. I would say more, but does anyone care about a fucking weather report? Anyone? Anyone at all? No. Good. because there better things to think about. Things like, oh I don't know, How about "where the fuck am I?" or, "Why do ponies rule the world?" There are so many things that I need to figure out and so many things that I don't want to deal with. But, I am making progress. My former captor turned friend Fluttershy, has agreed to show me around town. Maybe I can get a few answers on this little tour.

"So Flutters, where do we go first?" I asked.

"Um, I thought that you would know where you wanted to go" She mumbled.

I shrugged. I don't know how I did it while I was on all fours, but I did it. "I don't know shit about this place, so I can't really tell you where we should go."

"Well, we can go see Pinkie at Sugar Cube Corner if you want."

After she finished her sentence I instinctively moved to the side. About half a second later a pink blob fell from the sky and landed right where I was standing. Fluttershy had flown into the air out of fright and was immediately tackled by the pinkness. After everything had settled it was clear that the pink blob was  actually another horse, Better than what it could have been, I guess.

The pink mare hopped off of Fluttershy and started bouncing in place. "Hi Flutters!" She exclaimed.

"Pinkie Pie...how did you get here?"

"Oh that's easy! The author wanted me to be here, so I came."

"Wha.." she started, but then she shook her head like it was a normal thing. It probably was a normal thing. A pink mare falling from the sky for no good reason could be like seeing a man walking his dog or some shit like that .

The Pinkie Pie spent a few minutes talking to Fluttershy about animals and cupcakes (or animals in cupcakes. I wasn't paying attention.) before her gaze fell on me. "Oooh! Your new!" She said. "I know everypony that lives in Ponyville, and I've never seen you before, so you must be new! What's your name new pony?"

A name. A name. I can't really use my real name, so I have to make one up. These ponies have names like Pinkie Pie, so mine has to be similar. "I'm...um, Night...Shade? Yeah Night Shade, I'm sticking with that."

"Ok then, nice to meet you Night Shade! Why are you with Fluttershy?"

"She agreed to giving me a tour of the place."

"Oooh! That sounds fun! Can I come along?"

"Sure, why not?" I say, "But there's one problem. We don't know where to start."

"We could go to the library." Fluttershy mumbles.

"That's a great idea Fluttershy! Onwards!" Pinkie declared as she hopped off in a random direction. Fluttershy and I followed soon after.

......................................................................................................................................................................

At some point during our walk to the library I had Pinkie Pie start beat-boxing. There was something that I just had to do.

"Okay in 3 2 1. ¿Dónde está la biblioteca?   Me llamo-"

"I know this one!" Pinkie blurts out. "Me llamo Pinkie Pie la araña discoteca.

Even though it should've been impossible for her to know it, I decided to keep it going, "Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca, es in bigote grande, perro, manteca"

"Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño cabeza es nieve, cerveza es -oh we're almost there!"

Finally. It was time to get some fucking answers. Maybe, even touch up on the no-no topics. I don't expect it to be much. I mean, how many books can there be if you can only use your hooves and mouths to hold pens. And it's just wishful thinking to think that they even have writing tools. These ponies probably just stick their hooves into jars of in and write in some horse god language that just happens to sound like English.

I got lost in thought for a bit and because of that, I got a face full of tree. Said tree turned out to be a tree house. Not like the one's that you see with those 'no girls allowed signs, but an actual tree house. Like the Keebler elf one. This was odd for two reasons. 1, who the fuck hollows out a tree. And 2, How the fuck does a horse hollow out a tree?

"Here we are," Pinkie announced. "Golden Oaks Library!"

"Alright let's get this started," I said as I pushed open the door. Before the door closed behind me I heard Pinkie talking to Fluttershy.

"We're not supposed to go in until the screaming starts," she said.

I didn't have to time to think about what she meant about screaming. There were more important things to do. First of all I had to gather basic knowledge about this place. There were more books than I ever thought there would be, so this was going to take a while.

I walked over to a random shelf and picked out a book. Well, not exactly picked. More like pawing at it with a hoof untill it fell over. I was surprised to see a title written in English. It was handwritten, but it wasn't the chicken scratch that I expected. "Daring Doo and the Emerald Chicken" it read. It was probably some Indiana Jones type adventure. Not what I'm looking for.

The next shelf was filled with extremely short books. The one I pulled out read, "How to know if your insane" I may need that one later, but I didn't have time for self help books right now. The next shelf could have some history books in it.

Another shelf shelf, another random book. This one was much thicker. "Absolute Pleasure" was written on the cover. There was also a picture of...Nonononono! I kicked the book away and went over to the next shelf. Hopefully whatever book I find next can erase that raunchy, furry...Nope! Not thinking about it!

I was just about to take out another book when I heard a voice behind me. "Can I help you?" it said.

I didn't even bother to turn around. "Maybe you can, maybe you can't," I said as I continued to look through the shelves.

"Well, if you tell me what your looking for I can probably find it."

I really didn't want this kid bothering me so I turned around. "Look, kid I-" I stopped and actually looked at what I was talking to. There was this Purple and green dinosaur type thing standing two feet away. Now, I have a bad history with a certain purple and green dinosaur that I don't want to get into. Let's just say that it was the worst birthday ever, and leave it at that.

"Woah! Back up you little Barney wanna-be!"

"Barney? Who's Barney?" The thing started to come up closer and received a book to the face. I don't even know how I threw it, but it landed where I wanted it to. "Oww! why would you do that?" It tried to step forward and got another book.

"I said back up, motherfucker!" By now I had a little pile of "ammunition" next to me. "Do I have to repeat myself?"

Dino-boy seemed to get the message because it ran up the stairs. I couldn't celebrate my mini victory, though. I had to make sure that I was prepared for when it returns. I began piling up stacks on stacks of books, ready to go on the defensive.

By the time he came back down, I had created a book fort that put the great wall of China to shame.

"Hey! Get out of there!" It cried. As it ran up to my wall it received another book to the face.

"Fuck off!" I shouted and went back to hiding behind the wall.

"Twilight!" It shouted. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" A new voice shouted back. I knew it! The thing had gotten reinforcements. I had two books in my hooves and was ready to strike.

Moments later, a purple alicorn walked down the stairs. "Who did this!?" She shouted.

I poked my head out. "None of your fucking business!" I shouted and ducked back down.

"Spike, who is he?"

'I don't know but he can really throw!"

I poked my head out again. "Thank you very much, and fuck off!" Then I went back into the safety of my book fort.

At some point during all this mess, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy walked in. "HIya Spike, Twilight! How's Night doing?"

"Pinkie," The alicorn sighed. "Why do you keep bringing weirdos here?"

"It wasn't me! Fluttershy found him!"

"That true Fluttershy?" Dino asked.

"Well, um  y-yes," Fluttershy stammered, "But he really is a nice pony! He's just a little scared, that's all. He acted like this at my cottage, too."

"Really? How did you get him to calm down?" The alicorn asked.

Oh, well...He kind of jumped out of a window and knocked himself out, but he was fine after that."

"Oh good! All we have to do is knock him out!" Dino-prick said. "Twilight, do your thing!"

Two books. Two targets. Direct hits. "Not going to happen, motherfuckers!"

"Alright, I've had enough of you!" The one that must be Twilight shouted. Her horn began to glow with some light purple aura.

The same purple aura surrounded me. There was a strange feeling of weightlessness. I looked down to see that my book fort was getting smaller. I couldn't feel my legs, but that was normal, right? Getting very, very dizzy. Aaaaaaand fade to black.