Cocktails, Casinos, and Chaos

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: She should stop waking up thinking that she knew things for certain anymore.

She had woken up yesterday assuming that she and her friends were going to go to Las Pegasus to gamble, drink, lay with some stallions, and do things that both they and the Princesses denied and secretly approved of. Instead...

Instead she was tied up to a dialysis machine to clean her body of all the impurities that she might have collected over her lifetime.

In addition to having had an arranged date without her consent, having her date drugged by Fluttershy of all ponies, getting smashed with three of her friends and her once arch-enemy, having rampant sex with Rarity that resulted in their horns being cuffed together, losing a tooth, seeing the darker side of her friends and her own personalities, and passing out from a panic attack and heat exhaustion at her attempt on galactic domination falling apart in front of her eyes.

It was all Rainbow Dash's fault.

It was really. Rainbow Dash and her ability to shoot colored explosions out of her withers a decade ago had set forth a chain reaction that pushed Twilight toward this very moment.

If Rainbow hadn't done that, Twilight would have been a normal scholar like the rest of her family. She would have attended Canterlot University, gained a doctorate or two with the highest of honors, and placed herself solidly in the upper-middle class of Equestria.

But Rainbow Dash just had to be fated to do what she did.

Or she changed fate, which would either conclude that fate can be changed, which would mean fate was fated to change, or fate didn't exist at all, and she simply inspired ponies.

But that was silly, because the relationships between pony names and cutie marks at least pointed to a pseudo-fate, and Dash changed Twilight's.

But Rainbow was as libertarian and existentialist as a pony got. So fate chose a pony who still didn't believe in it and actively told ponies to defy it to change Twilight's?!

It was Rainbow's fault! For... everything!

"I hate you, Rainbow Dash! I hope you choke on Big Mac's flared head and sperm while you rectally bleed to death from Applejack's Anus Annihilator!"

Fluttershy, Rarity, and Discord jumped as Twilight screamed at the wall.

Fluttershy formerly laid at the base of the hotel bed that Twilight rested in to give Twilight support as Rarity had once laid beside her. Rarity fell to the floor with a shriek, Discord folding his newspaper as he sat in his chair, looking at Twilight with interest.

Twilight yanked out the tubes connecting her body to the machine, screaming at the wall once again. "Because I'm going to eviscerate your tight tailhole until it's a protruding, puffy, gaping red-"

Rarity punched Twilight across her muzzle. It was absolutely a punch with the way Rarity's hoof fully connected with Twilight's snout.

"Will you sodding shut up already?" Rarity growled.

Fluttershy poked her head above the bed. "Aren't ponies slightly puff-"

"Not, now, Fluttershy," Rarity hissed, straddling Twilight's chest to keep her down.

Twilight's senses flared to life at the sudden pain on her cheek registering with her body. It cleared her thoughts of ruining Rainbow's rump. Mostly.

She stared up at Rarity in shock. "What-"

Rarity decked Twilight's other cheek. "Say something Twilighty!"

"Do you have to punch her?" Fluttershy whimpered.

"You can not Stare or be passive with the kind of evil that lurks inside of Twilight when she is drunk, Fluttershy," Rarity growled, punching Twilight again. "It must be purged by fire!"

Twilight's muzzle lurched to the side as she coughed herself to full consciousness. "What is going-"

"Say something Twilighty or I will punch out all of your teeth!" Rarity neighed, slamming her forehoof onto Twilight's nose.

"Five thousand copies is considered a successful printing run for a book-my nose and bucking headache!"

Rarity grinned brightly as Twilight groaned in pain, holding her slightly bloody nose. Whimpers and trundles echoed out of Twilight's muzzle as Rarity sat herself down on Twilight's soft stomach fur.

Rarity stroked through Twilight's mane affectionately. "That's better. And I might be turning into Rainbow Dash, considering that I find your cute voice cursing to be quite a turn on, and may be getting into my own repressed violent urges. Or I might just be resulting to physical abuse to get rid of your evil ones."

With her eyes out of focus, Twilight looked up at Rarity, panting quietly in agony. "I... think I needed that," she said softly.

Rarity nodded. "Now why don't you remove Discord's spell so he can clean you up completely."

"I'm kind of busy with a hangover, my nose bleeding, and pain, Rarity. If you don't mind."

Rarity slowly lifted up her forehoof.

"Okay!" Twilight whimpered, "just give me a moment! This spell wasn't exactly easy."

Discord idly filed his forehoof, rubbing a hind leg gently into Fluttershy's coat as she laid underneath his chair.

"Perhaps I should move to Ponyville if this is the new norm that I have created. Or have you all done this to yourselves naturally?"

Fluttershy nosed her muzzle into Discord's hind leg, looking up at him with a giggle. "It's just become worse over the years. It's the stress of being heroes when we just want to live normal lives. And maybe I want you to move in with me?"

Discord smiled down at Fluttershy. "Well we certainly don't need to make it that much worse for them now do we? And only if I can put some lovely expansions on the house, as your friend Rarity would say."

"Well..." Fluttershy rubbed his leg slowly with a wing. "You can push them a bit. For me. They have put me through a lot."

Rarity turned her muzzle around to look at Fluttershy, coughing loudly. "We can hear you two. And that is the last time I am taking you to the spa, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy giggled loudly. "I'll get Andulus to massage you, Rarity."

Rarity's left eyebrow twitched rapidly. "You, mare, are a witch."

Twilight collapsed against her bed with a groan as she finished her mental calculus. It was worse when she landed the back of her snout on the headboard of her bed, sending her into a torrent of vulgarities that Rainbow would have become wet by hearing.

"Fix this, Discord!" Rarity shouted, covering her ears. "I've heard enough cursing outside of our playtime!"

Discord erupted from his pony form, changing back into his natural state as he laughed maniacally. "Power! Oh it feels-"

"Power my voice screaming in your ears if you don't shut Twilight up!" Rarity screeched.

Discord winced. "I would murder somepony to never hear your voice like that again."

He slithered through the air like a fish through water until he hovered over Twilight, opening her hissing muzzle with his right paw. He extended a finger on his left, smiling down at her.

"This, will feel very good."

Besides the hidden context, the moment his talon touched Twilight's tongue, it did feel amazing.

Twilight felt a massive pulse of light roll down her tongue until it ricocheted through her entire body in a warm waving aura of tickling delight. It filled her body with an inner radiance she could not describe quite fully. It was almost a spiritual purging.

Her frame had gone rigid during the experience of energy flowing through her spirit. And yet, it seemed as quickly as it had started, it had ended.

She coughed, and what came out of her muzzle was one of the most glossy solid white marbles she had ever seen.

Discord held it in his hand with a gentle smile. "Just some improper chemicals that needed to be purged, a few bits of hair from grooming yourself, your heart had a few veins that needed replacing, a bit of fat you needed to watch that I nipped away, and... a kidney stone."

Twilight looked up at Discord in shock, Fluttershy hovering beside her as Rarity stroked gently down the front of Twilight's coat.

"Alchemy," Twilight said. "You really do work on alchemical magic don't you?"

Discord bowed gently. "Molecular Alchemy if you must be precise. Far ahead of what your normal alchemy can do. It's in the title!"

Rarity stroked Twilight's mane once again. "Twilight? Are you..."

Twilight sat up, feeling around the inside of her mouth with her tongue.

Her tooth was back, and her hangover was completely gone.

In fact, it didn't feel like she had drank any alcohol at all. She felt... normal.

No. That wasn't the right word. Other than being quite hungry for some real food, she felt damn good. It wasn't a drugged up euphoria, but everything in her body and mind working in unison to make her alert, clear headed, happy, and content.

"I'm... fantastic, Rarity."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Now, now, don't get too full of yourself, Twilight. That is my job to tell ponies they are fantastic. You are quite wonderful when you don't want to kill things, even if it means you coughing up a kidney stone to stop you from doing that. A very hard choice between the kidney stone and evil, I must admit."

Twilight rolled her eyes with a snide smirk, pinching Rarity's side. She squeaked at the pinch as Twilight looked up at Discord.

"Discord, that's why you have such incredible magic. You change the universe at an atomic level. And-"

"-bypass the laws of equivalent exchange," he hummed, twirling through the air. "If you must know, I pull and vent that needed heat and energy from realms beyond your comprehension. I fear your Elements of Harmony hitting me a second time has... 'hampered' me a bit."

He scooped up Fluttershy in a cool granite colored glow of magic, rubbing his nose into her own. The marble vanished with a faint crackle of light.

"I'm also not a fan of pulling too much energy and ripping your world apart, as much as Celestia might have told you otherwise. It's no fun destroying planets for the ninetieth time if no one is there to watch."

"No blowing up planets that have living things on them anymore," Fluttershy said firmly, booping Discord on the end of his nose.

Discord pouted, scratching Fluttershy's stomach. "What about if they are out to get my little buttercup?"

"Then destroy them by any means necessary and with extreme prejudice," Fluttershy giggled, licking at his lips.

Twilight smiled at Rarity. "Let him do it to you. It'll stop most of the violent urges we repress. You won't regret it. It's like we just went on an amazing adventure and learned something special, but aren't tired afterwards. Like... this one."

Rarity bit her bottom lip.  "Must I let him touch my tongue? I think that is in my top one hundred things I don't want to happen to me."

"Just do it," Twilight chuckled. "I promise it's worth it. If you're angry afterwards, then it means that you have real anger issues that need to be addressed."

"I see your sense of humor is back," Rarity said between her teeth.

"I lost my sense of sarcasm and dry humor?" Twilight said, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle. "Wow. I'd... Rarity, you are important to me, but without my sarcasm, I-"

Rarity tugged on Discord's leg as Twilight burst out into a torrent of laughter.

"Fix me before I go insane!" Rarity wailed. "I need to be completely at the top of my game to match her!"

Discord grinned in amusement, inserting his paw into Rarity's muzzle to calm her frantic flailings. Or shut her up, if his mind was prodded at that moment in time.

Twilight and Fluttershy watched as Rarity's eyes rolled toward the back of her muzzle, fluttering rapidly at the energy that had pulsated through Twilight ran through her.

"Did... I look like that?" Twilight said.

Fluttershy nodded. "I'm going next if it's as good as you say it is. And he's going to do that to me as many times as he can at night. It'll be wonderful!"

Twilight stared at Fluttershy blankly, her eyes slowly blinking at the images in her head not ones she was keen on repeating doing exactly that.

The worst of it? It came from Fluttershy.

"Thanks for the information, Fluttershy."

"You're welcome," Fluttershy hummed. "It was the least I could do."

Rarity fell on top of Twilight with a loud yelp, coughing up a small sapphire marble as she laid on top of Twilight. She snuggled into Twilight with a delightful pant emanating from her muzzle.

"Oh goodness!" she whickered, fanning herself with a forehoof, "a lady should never feel pleasure like that. It's something entirely different than what we did, Twilight, but it's incredible! I feel so alive, clear headed, inspired, and... and me!"

Discord twirled the blue orb on a finger, watching it spin as Fluttershy hugged his side.

"You should thank me," he yawned, "since your fad dieting had ruined your poor intestinal tract."

"Was I going to die?" Rarity cried, hugging Twilight tightly. "I don't want to die! I have a sister, and a business, a reputation, a possible marefriend!"

"Glad I'm the fourth thing on that list," Twilight said. "I'd be okay with being between Sweetie Belle and your business, but I'll settle with not being as good as your ego."

Rarity shoved Twilight. "You're the one saying I am below your sarcasm. And so I return that sarcasm back to you so you can diddle about with it as you please."

"I will not make a diddle joke, as much as I wish too."

Rarity's eyes stared into Twilight's own. "I see I will have to step up my game, it seems."

Discord coughed loudly as Rarity and Twilight stared at one another, playful grins dancing over their muzzles.

"No. You just had a... how should I put this? Bacteria imbalance. It would explain your stomach cramps and possible... noises."

Twilight sighed deeply, closing her eyes. "That would explain the sleepovers. And... last night."

Rarity shoved Twilight once more. "I do not have problems with... with indigestion!"

"Uh-huh. You don't anymore, but you did."

Rarity puffed out her cheeks in annoyance. "Be glad my violent side has been cleansed by Discord - which sounds horribly dirty - because if it wasn't, I'd be punching you. Or him, since he brought it up in the first place."

Fluttershy chittered as she rubbed her coat into Discord's neck, giving his cheek a kiss. "You better not punch my Disky. I can't even say what will happen to you if you do, Rarity. It would hurt my heart. Very, very much."

Twilight clicked her tongue between her teeth. "I... think Fluttershy is next in line for this, Discord."

"Oh she is in line for the greatest adventures of her life in the coming centuries," Discord rumbled, kissing Fluttershy rapidly on the nose.

Rarity and Twilight looked at each other.

"I think they may be madly in love with each other," Rarity said. "Just an observation, mind you. It could be that he can get out everything that she has been repressing for so long as well."

"You know," Twilight stroked her chin, "we repress a lot."

"We talked about this, dear: Saving the world so many times has come full circle to bite our withers."

Twilight giggled. "You are stupidly cute sometimes."

"Ahem," Rarity coughed loudly. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Twilight, but not in front of Discord and Fluttershy making my stomach  churn more than it does when I am hungry. Which I am."

Discord broke his quiet make-out session with Fluttershy, coughing back at Rarity. Fluttershy stared up at him, entranced. She wiggled her eyelashes rapidly at him.

"I just... was giving to her what I did to you two in the way a romantic couple does things!" Discord laughed. "Y-y-yes! Exactly that."

"Oh I feel different," Fluttershy purred, stroking his snout, "because I never got to thank you for working together with me with planning all of this."

"N-now, Fluttershy, last night was-"

"-now how about you change me into something more-"

"-how about he helps Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash before you two start doing things I don't want to think about," Twilight chuckled.

Fluttershy's eyes glowed radioactively at Twilight at the thought of being denied sex.

"What a wonderful idea!" Discord nervously cackled, shoving his left paw into Fluttershy's muzzle. "We can always play games later, Fluttershy dear. We don't want to leave your friends in such a poor state, now do we?"

Fluttershy panted as Discord removed his paw from her muzzle, her wings flapping rapidly in panic as her eyes returned to their normal aqua hue.

"Oh my gosh that would be awful!" she whimpered, covering her muzzle with her forehooves. "I could never do such things with you until my friends are fine, clean, fed, the animals are checked on, and everypony is happy again. It-"

"Wonderful!" Discord smiled, snapping his fingers together. In a flash of light, Fluttershy was gone.

Twilight and Rarity looked up at Discord in disbelief.

"Before you get any ideas," he said, coiling himself around them, "let me make it perfectly clear that the mare is a succubus of the highest degree, and that hopefully will tame her for a day before she develops an immunity to it. She is seductively evil deep down on the inside when it comes to foreplay, but by things I can't even mention to you two she is... is... insatiable!"

"Isn't... that... what you wanted?" Rarity said.

"Not to her degree!" Discord cried. "She's a peach of a woman, but... you must pity me! Yes?... Surely you see the evils of the world I now have to carry on my shoulders?"

Rarity and Twilight stared at him blankly.

Discord lifted up his middle talon. "My thoughts on your compassion. I'll just go about healing your friends and bask in your eternal gratitude."

Twilight grinned. "Or you could have us convince Flutter-"

"I am thankful!" Discord said, snapping his talons, disappearing in a flash of white light.

Rarity snorted rapidly, leaning into Twilight for support. "You, mare, are a verbal weapon of mass destruction either sober or intoxicated."

Twilight hugged Rarity in return, giving her side a gentle squeeze. "I've picked up quite a few things from you, so you should be very proud of that."

Rarity tapped her chin. "Speaking of picking up ponies, fancy a shag?"

Twilight contracted her muzzle into her own neck, her cheeks turning a burning red. "Rarity! That's... blunt! And we're hungry and need to bathe."

"Think, mare," Rarity groaned, "you can always go to the vending machine to tide us over. And there's also a fine invention called a shower. They happen to sometimes exist in hotels. Also it will work up an appetite for a real breakfast."

Twilight beamed. "I like the way you think."