Shame and Desire

The moment Spike burped up a response, Twilight snatched it out of the air to read it.

Dear Twilight,

I hope I can help. Starting this evening, you may feel free to expect to see me in your dreams. I will try to keep myself to the ones that are disturbing. I have asked Celestia to simply send this message, and not read it, as the matter is private.

The first thing I must tell you to change is one that may be very frightening to consider: You must make sure you do not interrupt your dreams as much. Half a dream is informative, but a whole dream is ideal. If you’re using any spells or enchanted objects to wake yourself if you become distressed, remove their effect from your bedroom and yourself. The same goes for Spike -- let him know not to interrupt your nightmares when you have them. If we cannot survey the landscape, our effort will be much more difficult.

I should make you aware that you may find you become increasingly lucid as the dreams go on. This is to say, you may find yourself becoming aware of the fact you’re dreaming. For now, I am sure it will be fleeting or inconsistent. Please just take any appearance of me as a sign you are dreaming.

Also, do not be concerned about the hours you find sleep. I can suppress my need for sleep for a rather long time, and have requested that Celestia handle the raising of the moon in my stead. I have nothing else taking up my time except light reading, and I will be watching, I promise.

You won’t have to go through this alone.

-- Princess Luna

Twilight knew she was going to have to take calmroot, and lots of it, just to get to sleep. Now that she knew Luna would come see the absolute filth carrying on in her head, she wanted to sleep less than ever.

“Twilight?” The word cut through drifting gauzy thoughts about warmth and sleep that were coming unbidden.

“Yes!” Twilight shifted on her hooves, lifting her head. A spot of drool was on the letter; she was starting to drowse off again. “I’m awake.”

“I thought you were.” Spike came out of the bedroom and down the stairs. “Twilight, what are you going to do about the sleeping problem?”

She sighed and looked at Spike for a long few minutes. He was growing up, sure, but even at twelve years, he might as well be minutes old. Still too young to grasp some of the real complexity. “Well, that’s actually what I was seeing Princess Luna about.”

“Really? What did she tell you?” Spike scrambled down the stairs, panting a little in front of her when he stopped.

Twilight blinked. Luna hadn’t really told her much at all. “Well, she -- offered to help me. And the reason I had to send a scroll off to her was because I changed my mind and decided I do need her help.”

Spike blinked. “You said no at first?”

Twilight hesitated. “Yes.” She shifted on the stool.

“But . . . why would you do that?! Twilight! You’re miserable! You can’t get any sleep!” Spike’s mouth hung open as he looked for more things to say, his eyes scanning and sweeping. “Why?”

For a few moments she couldn’t find useful words. “It’s a really embarrassing problem.” Saying it out loud made her feel vague nausea bubbling up in her tummy. “That’s all. I wanted to try to fix it myself.”

Spike’s brow furrowed, and he shook his head. “I don’t understand, Twilight, but I guess you must have had a good reason.” He blinked at her, his eyes seeming brighter but his mouth tight.

Twilight swallowed. I can’t believe I was this selfish. “I . . . it seemed like one at the time, Spike. I guess it wasn’t as good as I thought.” She hesitated. “Spike, come here, okay?” She held her forelegs open wide, and Spike approached and settled against her.

This. Why couldn’t this be it? Why couldn’t she just feel this about others and have it stay at that? Twilight’s sex drive had never, not once, caused her any problems before. Even her seasons were low-maintenance affairs, requiring only a basic sequestering during the worst. Staying in the library with only Spike had proven to virtually eliminate any problematic biological impulses, but now she was dreading her next season, and it was only two weeks off. Twilight had no idea what was going to happen during the next one if she was still having these nightmares.

She sighed and released him.

He blinked up at her and rubbed one eye. “Thanks. Sorry. I know I’m not a baby any more.”

She chuckled. “It’s okay to be a baby sometimes, Spike. I was kind of being foalish when I said no to Princess Luna.”

Spike hesitated, then shrugged. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” He trotted off to the kitchen. “Do you want coffee or tea or anything? I’m going to put water on for tea.”

“No, it’s . . . it’s fine.” Twilight shook her head and took a deep breath. “We just need to talk a little more about what Princess Luna’s ‘help’ will entail. It’s going to be a little strange, but I think if we’re careful we’ll get through it.”

I hope.

* * *

Once she’d explained to Spike not to disturb her bad dreams and taken a little extra ground calmroot, she settled herself into bed and pulled the covers over herself.

She tossed and turned for a while, indeed, but soon she felt it crawling over her mind, sleep slipping tendrils through her mind. The pillow became increasingly comfortable for her head, and even her wings had settled down.

Awareness trickled into her consciousness as she drifted. Soon, stone seemed to be under her hooves, cold and smooth as if it had seen hundreds of winters. She lifted her head, and found herself looking around a throne chamber.

It was a room that had changed her life. She’d recognize it anywhere.

This is where we found the Elements. This is where I first realized I actually wanted to have friends, because I couldn’t face this alone.

Blue-black smoke consumed a pedestal, and a brilliant electric cackle filled the air.

Twilight’s mouth was suddenly dry. This is where I met Nightmare Moon. She cast about and her gaze met the eyes of the rest of the girls, ready and steadfast.

Wait -- four of them? Where was Rarity?

“Twilight Sparkle, you have dared to challenge me, even though your superior, Princess Celestia, is currently my prisoner. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Twilight’s breathing was fast now, and she looked to her left and right. Pinkie was gone. She turned her attention to the cloud again. “I won’t back down! I have my friends to help me!”

“Do you? Really?” Nightmare chuckled, pursing her lips. “Tell me, where are they now?”

Twilight looked again. Applejack and Fluttershy and Dash had been there a minute ago. Hadn’t they?

“I don’t know,” Twilight murmured, stepping back. Her legs thought that idea was a good one, and she realized she was stepping back slowly without trying to.

For a few seconds, anyway.

“You’re not going anywhere, Twilight Sparkle. You’re at my mercy, and I have very little.” Nightmare Moon stalked towards her, slow and sure, and was getting closer.

Twilight realized her legs couldn’t move and looked down; glowing toroids of magic surrounded them. Telekinetic fields of most unicorns felt soft if they had this much to create, but Nightmare Moon’s felt as if they were made of old stone, as if they’d been there before Twilight existed. “Please, don’t, just . . . let me go, please . . . ” she whimpered, lifting her head just in time to catch a glimpse of something behind Nightmare.

A blue something. It was too dark for Dash -- who could it be?

“Why would I let you go? Celestia’s silly little protege will provide endless amusement for me. Do you know how I captured your dear Princess?”

Twilight shook her head, but there was another movement of blue in the background.

“I promised her I would do no lasting harm to you and the other five if she allowed me to imprison her. She took that deal, gratefully, hoping you would all somehow come here and defeat me. Absurd.”

“N-No harm?” Twilight was quivering, but her hooves were still held fast in magic. “Then I’m free to go?”

“Of course not.” Nightmare’s eyes narrowed and her triumphant smile shifted, tightened, then relaxed again into nearly . . . a pout. “I chose my words carefully, Twilight. No lasting harm. Psychological trauma isn’t forever, and I can find endless solutions for torturing you that don’t involve permanent physical damage.”

Twilight swallowed. Oh, goddess, no, no, no! She felt a flex in the muscle of her hind legs as they tried to squeeze together. The magic holding them in place shifted to separate them further.

“Your scent is lovely, Twilight. I’m sure you’ll come to appreciate mine once you’re introduced properly.” Nightmare took a last step forward and brought her muzzle close to Twilight’s, close enough that Nightmare’s breath drifted over Twilight’s chin.

Twilight closed her eyes. She knew what would come next: Nightmare Moon was making it obvious that she was going to do whatever she felt like to Twilight. Twilight didn’t shut her eyes because of that, though. She shut her eyes because she could feel a flex between her legs, a flush trying to come to the surface of her cheeks.

A moment passed.

Another moment passed, and Twilight realized she felt no breath on her chin.

“Twilight?” Princess Luna’s words were to her immediate right.

Twilight yelped and opened her eyes; Nightmare Moon loomed in her view, but to her right there was indeed Princess Luna. Nightmare Moon didn’t move, but Luna blinked at her. “Princess? How are you . . . but we didn’t . . . ” Realization seeped in. “This is a dream, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is, Twilight.” Luna’s face seemed to be a vague apology. “And that is Nightmare Moon, and your subconscious chose this precise scenario.”

“Oh, goddess, I, uh . . . ” Panic squealed through Twilight’s mind, and her body in the dream responded in kind with little twitches, but her hooves were still held fast. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Princess Luna! I’ve never had one of these before!”

Luna tilted her head. “Truly?”

“Yes! Wait -- I don’t think so? I . . . no, I’ve had it once or twice, I think. But it’s not one of the usual ones! I had no idea it was going to happen tonight!”

“Twilight, you’re not the first pony -- nor even the first mare -- to have a dream along these lines.” Luna let out a sigh. “I will admit I didn’t expect it from you, but the subconscious mind does what the subconscious mind does.”

“I’m not?”

Luna’s gaze shifted to the frozen-in-place Nightmare Moon with a sultry smile on her face. “She terrorized a large segment of the population. She is in the collective unconsciousness of all equinity. She is frequently a monster in the dreams of ponies.” She hesitated. “Particularly the ones from Ponyville.” Luna’s mouth tightened, and she took a deep breath. “As sex is something of a taboo, it is rather often that she is a sexual figure.” Luna gave a little shrug. “She has power. Power is terrifying all by itself.” The Princess swallowed. “Both Celestia and I figure as terrifying dream tormentors for some, but more often she is seen as benevolent and I am seen as . . . “ Luna trailed off.

Twilight blinked, and felt her mouth open and close a few times. She had too much to respond to, and it took her a minute to decide what to respond to first. “Princess, I . . . I’m sorry.”

Luna shook her head. “It’s all right. Most of those who’ve met her personally dream of her, at some point or another. She is a rather striking presence.”

Twilight brought her gaze forward, to meet the predatory stone gaze of Nightmare Moon again. It was not quite the expression Twilight had seen before in real life on Nightmare Moon’s face, of course, but it fit so well. Twilight swallowed, one of her hooves testing the magic bond as if by reflex.

Luna cleared her throat. “Twilight, if you wish, I’ll end this dream for you. It would be quite jarring.“ Luna cut off and her eyes traveled the floor for a moment. “However, it might be better than seeing what you think Nightmare Moon is capable of.”

Twilight swallowed and shifted, her hooves still stuck fast, unable to find a logical response.

Luna lifted her eyes again and tilted her head. “If you’d rather go forward with it, well, only you can know what you believe Nightmare Moon might have done to you in such, ah, unsavory circumstances. I will warn you, though, that dreams that happen frequently may hold very pertinent clues about your issues. If this comes up again, it may be a sign that we need to let it proceed at least once.”

Twilight blinked. How familiar did this feel?

It felt deeply familiar.

Twilight hesitated, and her eyes pulled back to meet Luna’s.

Pain.

She’d seen sadness in Princess Luna’s eyes before, on a dark Nightmare Night, but this was more. This was something else, something deeper, something not merely wounding but agonizing.

She doesn’t want to see a reminder. And how well am I going to function if my dream itself is antagonizing my guide?

“I think . . . I think maybe you’re right, Princess Luna.”

“Twilight, you’re a princess too. And right in which way? Do you want to let this continue, or do you want to stop the dream and wake?” The faintest trace of . . . irritation?

Twilight blinked. Oh, right. She still had plenty of dreams where she was a unicorn, and considering the timing of this dream, it made sense she didn’t have wings here -- but she did in the real world. “Luna, please stop the dream. If it comes up again, well, we can let it continue then.”

A small, tight smile found its way onto Luna’s face. “Very well. You’ll be awake shortly, Twilight.“

Luna was gone.

Color seeped back into the world around her, and the cold point of time became a line again. The smile stretched wider on Nightmare Moon’s face.

Twilight shut her eyes. She said she’d stop it, she’ll stop it. She has to. Right?

Lips pressed against Twilight’s, strange and cool. Twilight’s breath picked up fast through her nose, and she whimpered at the touch, but she herself couldn’t read how much of it was fear and how much was anticipation.

No, no, no, no! This has to stop!

A low rumble came, like thunder but not distant and not a rumble at all.

The kiss broke, and Twilight’s eyes opened as the rumble became louder, stronger, shook right up through her legs.

Nightmare Moon was gone. So was Luna, in fact. All that remained were Twilight and her petrified friends.

A chunk of the roof shot through Twilight’s vision, coming down, straight through Applejack’s horrified statue. The head skittered to a stop at Twilight’s hoof, and she looked down at it, the eyes wide and the mouth open, a scream captured in stone.

My hooves aren’t bound any more. The thought plodded dully through her brain, unable to get real progress in her thoughts. All she could do is look at Applejack’s head, shattered from her body.

More of the destroyed castle started to crack and shudder. The lights in the night sky were winking out as rocks and plaster fell, smashing into the floor with force that seemed unusual. Pinkie’s leg launched across Twilight’s vision only to embed in a wall moments before it too came crumbling down and the entire thing collapsed not down but inward, inward towards Twilight --

* * *

Twilight’s eyes opened as she howled herself awake.

“It was a dream,” she whispered, trying to force her breath to calm, shaking. Her fur was wet and clung to her skin like a sweater in the rain.

The moon was cloaked in thick cloud cover. All weather services were indicating unpredictable showers over Ponyville for the next two weeks, due to errant Everfree weather systems coming that way.

I suppose I should be glad it’s not raining.

“Twilight!” Spike, banging on the door, of course. “Are you okay? Was it just another nightmare?”

“Yes,” she said. After a moment, she realized she’d barely said it loud enough to hear herself, and raised her voice a little. “Yes. I’m fine, Spike. I’m all right.”

“Oh. Um, okay.” Pause. “Well, let me know if you need milk or anything?”

“I will, Spike. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“I’m okay. I was just worried about you.”

“I’m fine, really. Go ahead and go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” He paused again. “I miss having my bed in there, Twilight.”

Twilight sighed and drew a long breath. She’d only set up Spike in a separate room two months ago, and it still felt off somehow without his snoring near her bed. “I miss having you in here too, Spike, but you still need sleep. Okay?”

“Okay. Good night, Twilight.”

“Night, Spike.”

Twilight sighed and flopped back into the bed. Her mane felt like it’d been drenched, and she was still jittery. She could only wonder what Princess Luna was doing at the moment. Most likely she’d just gone back to her light reading.

Twilight yawned again and rolled out of bed, onto her hooves. She felt odd, and a look at the clock told her why: She’d slept for nearly five straight hours.

It didn’t feel nearly that long!

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep, but she still didn’t feel rested.

Twilight floated the journal she’d set aside for this process over, along with the quill. She knew impressions of dreams would fade quickly, and that they might prove valuable for the process.

5:44 Night, April 16th

This was the first night dreaming with Princess Luna’s help. I had a dream about Nightmare Moon, and it was very unpleasant.

Twilight stopped.

I can’t keep dancing around the topic like this! These are personal notes. I have to just . . . make myself write it. I can burn this journal when I’m done, just to get rid of it, but while I’m working on it, I have to just do it.

She sighed and continued.

It was when we defeated her originally, except Nightmare Moon made me think my friends abandoned me the first time I needed them. She actually made them invisible and turned them to stone while she distracted me. I asked Luna to stop the dream, though, and I saw their statues shatter when the dream broke up.

I didn’t like the dream breaking like that, but really -- what do I think Nightmare Moon might have done to me? And how could I let Princess Luna see it, if what I think might have happened would have happened? She seemed so hurt that I was dreaming of Nightmare Moon.

Twilight hesitated and dipped her quill in ink again, considering. She needed to look at it from all sides. There was progress in what she’d just done, right?

She took up the pen again.

I don’t think it was all in vain, though. At least now I couldn’t possibly end up having a dream about anyone more embarrassing, considering that Luna’s likely to see it all.

Right?