The Amusing Misadventures of British Teens

Chapter 3: Walking, flying, fighting

They trudged through the dense, green, canopy of the forest; flora and wildlife were abundant in each and every direction. The sunlight was sparse and the air was very hot, humid and full of pests. The ground beneath them was damp, spongy and littered with hazards like; roots, holes, loose soil, poisonous plants, poisonous predators. You know the usual.

At first they had marched into the forest, full of gusto and energy. Their minds had been filled with wonder at their surroundings, their eyes greedily absorbing the foreign sights. That had been 3 hours ago.

Now, they were all bored, bored of walking, bored of forest, bored of everything. Connor and Tom were discussing their magic and how to use it, Joel was trying to figure out how to use the muscles in his wings and Lee was testing his Minotaur strength by shattering trees to pieces with his fists. Matty was still deep in his unconscious slumber, blissfully unaware of his current situation.

Lazy prick.

“Right then Tom, do you have the image locked in your mind?” Connor asked, trying to teach Tom the telekinetic wonders of levitation as they made headway through the maze of trees and bushes. Connor was carrying a stick upon his back, which was the target of Tom’s spell. “Yeah, I think so.” Was Tom’s reply, as he gazed intently at the stick, as if the force of his stare would make the stick float.

“Good, now you need to will the stick to move, imagine it being picked up by magic, visualise it.” Connor continued to explain, waving the stick around in his own magic before placing upon his back. Tom did so and he, as did Connor, began to feel a small tingling at the base of his horn. “You should, if changeling magic is the same as mine, feel a small tingling in your horn. You should also be able to move this feeling up and down it.” Connor lectured, clearly enjoying explaining this to Tom.

“How d’you do that?” Tom asked, slight at a loss as to how to do it.

“Erm, just imagine the feeling being moved around it. Imagine the tingling at some other point.”

So Tom did just that, he imagined the tingle in the middle of his horn, he imagined what it would feel like for it to be there. Sure enough, the moment he did the feeling appeared at the middle of his horn, filling the path from the centre of his horn to the base with a similar tingly feeling. “Got it!” Tom said, proud of himself for succeeding.

“Wonderful, now push it up until it’s at the very tip of your horn.” Tom did so and gave Connor a quick nod to show that he had done so, “Now, force it out of your horn, imagine it being pushed out, remember to keep the image in your mind whilst doing this.”

“Yeah, yeah. I got it.” Tom said, dismissing Connor’s words as he concentrated. He pushed at the magic he could feel collecting at the tip of his horn. He felt the energy leave his horn, he could see his horn become engulfed in a toxic green aura and at the same time the stick resting upon Connor’s back also lit up green. “HA! Yes, I did it!” Tom exclaimed, ecstatic with his accomplishment. He made the stick float around them, occasionally making it twirl and rotate before eventually snapping it in half and chucking it deep into the foliage around them.

Meanwhile, at the back of our group of miscreants, Joel was getting more and more frustrated.  He had been trying for a large amount of time now to try and get his wings to work. He knew they were there, he could feel it when the wind blew upon them, or when a plant brushed against them. But he could not for the life of him figure out where they were or how to use his wing muscles. After seeing Tom accomplish magic, Joel’s frustration finally caused him to snap.

“OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! HOW THE BLOODY HELL DO I USE THESE THINGS!” Joel shouted, glaring at his wings in contempt.

At his sudden outburst, the others stopped and turned to look at Joel, matching expressions of curiosity upon their faces.

“How the bloody hell do you use what, Joel?” Connor asked.

“My fucking wings! I can’t bloody use them!”

“You’ve only just got the bloody things idiot, how do you expect to use something you’ve never used before?” Connor said, rolling his eyes at his friend’s idiocy.

“Fuck you Connor! Don’t bring logic into this!”

Idiots! All my characters are idiots! I’m fucking surrounded by them!

Instead of responding to Joel, Connor turned to Tom, a malicious grin spread across his face. “Tom, do you think we should give a Joel a...boost with our magic, so to speak.” It was Tom’s turn to grin viciously. They both turned to Joel, who backed up nervously as they approached him, their horns alight with magic.

“So Joel, you wanted help flying?” Tom asked, his voice filled with mirth.

“You know what? I think I’m over flying now, it’s overrated anyways.” Joel replied, backing up nervously.

“Oh no Joel,” Connor continued, steadily approaching as Joel tried to put more distance between them, “We simply cannot allow you to never enjoy the ‘experiences’ of flight.”

Joel was seriously considering turning tail and getting out of there as fast as his body would allow him. But before he could act upon these thoughts, he found himself surrounded by two magical auras. One was a fierce orange, the other a toxic green. Where they met, they melded to form a sort of brownish colour.

He looked back up to Connor and Tom only to find that they were grinning at him, their face full of cruel amusement and their horns lit up with their respective colours.

Well Joel, it was nice knowing you. See you in hell.

“You should be excited Joel.” Connor said, “You’re going to be the first griffon to leave the ionosphere.”

Tom just chuckled darkly, “Launching the Griffon MK.I in T minus five,”

“Erm, guys? I really don’t think tha-“Joel started, fear creeping its way onto his face.

“Four” Both Connor and Tom said, their horns glowing more brightly as they added more power to their spell.

“Guys?”

“Three”

“Could you put me down?”

“Two”

Joel was really starting to panic now, futilely trying to tear his way out of their magical grasp. “Will you fucking let me go?!”

“One” As they said this, they used magic to slowly make Joel’s wings open. Joel stopped trying to struggle as he turned his head in wonder at the feeling of flexing his new found muscles.

“Huh.” Was Joel’s only utterance at new and marvellous experience.

Simpleton.

“Fire!” Connor and Tom shouted. At this Joel’s eyes shrunk to pinpricks, fear once again taking hold.

“Ohnonononononono-” But his was cut off as Tom and Connor finally released their spell. In a glorious moment of momentum, screaming and adrenaline, Joel shot up into the sky at the speed of a Harrier Jet on steroids.

“Come on now, break the sound barrier, break the sound barrier.” Connor said, as he watched Joel rocket further and further into the sky.

“Erm, Connor?” Lee asked, also watching Joel’s trajectory to the ionosphere.

“Yes?”

“What are we going to do if Joel still doesn’t know how to use his wings?”

“Well Lee, that’s a very good question. My guess is, that we are going to stand here and bicker and argue about how badly we’ve just cocked up, then try and think of a way to help him, realise that we don’t have enough time and just sit here and enjoy the show or do something incredibly stupid and injure ourselves in the process. Either way, Joel’s screwed.”

Do you think I should intervene?

...

Nah.

Tom walk-dammit, trotted over to Connor and Lee, and joined them in staring at the increasingly small speck that was Joel. “I wonder how he’s handling it.”

Meanwhile, from Joel’s perspective:

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

***

Connor, Tom and Lee waited for another minute before they could; thankfully, see Joel starting to descend again. Not so thankfully, they also noticed that Joel still hadn’t used his wings.

“Well, the daft sod still hasn’t figured it out.” Connor sighed, shaking his, feigning disappointment. Tom and Lee just rolled their eyes, well Tom tried but you can never really tell with a changeling, as though Joel’s impending demise were an annoying chore to have to deal with.

“I suppose we should catch him or something?” Tom inquired his voice a rather dull tone.

“Ugh, fine” Connor replied. Lee just took a couple of steps back and leaned against a nearby tree, watching on with a blank expression. Connor and Tom looked up at Joel’s rapidly approaching figure and lit their horns up, ready to catch him. “Now remember Tom,” Connor started, glancing over at his friend, “Slowly stop his descent, we don’t want to break every bone in his body.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Momentum and all that.” Tom said, dismissively. Connor and Tom focused their magic on Joel. Joel was about a hundred metres off of the ground when Connor and Tom’s magic formed around Joel, slowing his descent. At fifty metres, his speed had gone from a jet plane to an F1 car. At twenty five, he was going at the speed of your average roadster. At ten metres he was as fast as jumped up golf cart. In the last five metres Joel’s out of control descent had been whittled down to that of a piece of falling paper.

Throughout this entire process, however. Joel had been screaming, loudly, like a little girl.

Pfft, you bloody pansy.

The moment that Joel touched the floor, however, he stopped his screaming. He cracked one eye open and, with a massive wave of relief, noticed that he was lying gently upon the ground, not a smouldering crater in it. Joel just slumped further into the ground, “Oh solid ground, let us never part again.”

Joel didn’t have time to enjoy the sweet embrace of solids, as a whistle a couple of metres ahead of him snapped his attention to the group of impatient creatures whom were all looking at Joel expectantly.

“Come on Joel!” Tom called out to him, “We don’t have time to wait whilst you muck about!” Joel just muttered several choice obscenities as he rose to his...feet?

EQUESTRIAN! MOTHER FUCKING! TERMINOLOGY! I BLOODY HATE IT!

They continued to trudge through the forest. Everyone was deep in the own thought. Tom was thinking about how much fun it was going to be once he got to Ponyville. Connor was already making plans on how he was going to manipulate each and every one of the mane six to further his own, non-existent ends. Joel was currently opening and closing his wings, as he had managed to remember how to use the muscles that controlled them.

I suppose it must help not having the prospect of imminent death dangling right in front of you.

Lee, on the other hand, was wondering why they hadn’t ventured across some other form of life aside from plants.

“Guys?” Lee said, deciding to voice his curiosity. “Do any of you wonder why we haven’t run into anything yet?”

Upon hearing what Lee had said, Connor and Tom froze in their tracks. They slowly turned their heads towards Lee, “You really had to say it didn’t you?” Connor said, clearly annoyed.

“What d’you mean?”

It was Tom this time that chose to answer, “This is a fucking cartoon world, cartoon logic applies here. What do you think is going to happen to us if you say we haven’t run into anything yet?”

Lee just groaned and face palmed, “Don’t tell me we’re going to run into something.”

The moment he said this, a deep, feline growling could be heard, emanating from a bush nearby. Everyone stopped and turned to look at the bush in question. Two glowing, cat-like eyes could be seen coming from it. No sooner had they noticed this, than did a fully grown manticore pounce out of the bush, aiming to take down Connor in one lethal pounce.

Thankfully, years of growing up in English schools, being at the risk of attack at all times from friends or otherwise, had helped prepare Connor for this. He held his ground until the last moment possible and then, when the jaws of the manticore were almost right on top of him, he side-stepped out of the way. The manticore then, instead of getting a mouthful of juicy pony, got a mouthful of dirt as his teeth failed to clamp down upon its target.

“Tom!” Connor called over to his friend, “Use your magic and help me take his legs out!” Instead of replying, Tom just lit his horn up with its green aura and grabbed two of the manticore’s legs, yanking them out from beneath it. Connor, in turn, did the same thing. Soon the manticore was on the floor, trying desperately to force its way out.

“Lee!” Connor called over to his other friend, “Put Matty down and climb onto its back!”

“Why?” Lee asked, genuinely confused.

“Because holding this thing down is difficult and I want you to tear its fucking tail off!” Connor shouted back, the strain of holding the manticore down evident on his face. Lee just unceremoniously dropped Matty off his shoulder onto the floor and walked up to the manticore.

Upon seeing this, the manticore struggled even harder in its bonds. “Hurry up Lee!” Tom shouted, his voice strained. Wasting no more time, Lee simply got as close to manticore as he could without being eaten and jumped with all his might. He landed right on the manticore’s back and he was fairly sure he heard something crack in the beast’s back. Which was proven to be true as the manticore let forth an immense cry of pain.

Lee steadily approached the manticore’s thrashing tail, which was desperately trying to reach around its body to attack either Tom or Connor. After a couple of seconds of trying to grasp it, Lee finally secured the tail in his hands.

“Now fucking rip it off!” Connor shouted over at Lee, “I can feel my grip slipping!” Lee got the tail in a firmer grip, it’s struggling useless against his immense Minotaur strength, and started to pull as hard as he could.

The manticore responded by roaring even more loudly and increasing its thrashing movements. Lee just pulled even harder. A few moments later a horrible tearing sound could be heard and a deep red blood started to spurt out of the base of the tail, where the rip had appeared.

With a final great heave and another roar of pain from the manticore, Lee completely tore the tail from the body. Without any further prompting from Connor or Tom, Lee jumped off the back of manticore and went over to its head. There he jabbed the tail, stinger first, into its eye.

At this, the beast opened its mouth to, once again, roar in pain. But Lee didn’t let it, because before the manticore could even utter a single sound, Lee had rammed the stinger into the back of the manticore’s throat, before finally discarding the stinger and chucking it off deep into the surrounding forest.

The manticore’s throat started to swell in size and before long, it started making chocking noises. Sensing that it was safe to do so, Connor and Tom, gratefully, released their grip on the manticore’s limbs. Realising that its limbs were free, the manticore proceeded to claw at its throat and roll around on the ground, futilely trying to get air into its lungs.

It continued to thrash around the immediate area for about two minutes, in which time Lee had placed Matty back on his shoulder and Connor and Tom and recovered from the small conflict, when it finally came to a stop and the last shuddering breath escaped its mouth.

After a few moments Joel poked his head from around a tree, which he had been hiding behind throughout the battle, and asked “Is it dead?”

“Probably.” Connor replied, “But I’m not taking any chances.” Connor looked around him trying to find something, when his gazed landed upon a rather large rock. Picking this up in his magic he raised it over the manticore’s head and brought it down with as much force as he could muster. A resounding crack echoed into the surrounding forest, blood started to pour from a large wound to its head and bone could be seen poking through the thin layer of skin around the skull. Again and again Connor drove the rock into its skull until it had completely caved in and the brain was nothing more than a small puddle of grey matter.

“Well,” Tom said, after a moments silence, “I think it’s dead now.”

You know what Tom? I never would have guessed.

“Come on,” Connor said, leaving the rock to rest in the manticore’s decimated skull, “Let’s get going.”

* * *

After what seemed like hours more trekking, our dynamic group of morons finally made it to the edge of the forest. Once they got to very edge, all they could see for miles around were even spaced apple trees.

“Sweet Apple Acres?” Tom wondered aloud. Staring in awe at the sheer amount of trees there.

“Must be.” Connor said, his gaze had adopted a more cold, calculating look. He turned and look at the Sun, which was about half way to being completely set. “I think we should rest here for tonight.” He said, looking back at his friends, “We can talk to Applejack tomorrow.”

“Who the hell’s Applejack?” Joel asked.

“The pony that helps run this place.” Tom said, not taking his gaze from the orchards of apples.

“Oh,” Joel replied, “Then yeah, resting here for a while seems okay.” He continued. It was at that time, however, that Joel’s stomach made a very loud rumbling sound. “Although, having something to eat sounds equally good.” He added.

It was then that the other realised how hungry they all were, as they has not eaten since before they had woken up in the castle.

“Right then,” Connor said, taking charge for some reason, “Tom, you go and get some apples from the orchards whilst we set up a fire or something.”

“Wait.” Tom said, finally tearing his gaze from the apple trees, “Why do I have to go?”

“Because,” Connor rebuked, “Changelings are supposed to be all sneaky and shit, so get out there and get us some food.” And before Tom could protest, Connor used his magic to pick him and throw him bodily into a nearby orchard.

Tom pushed himself back onto his hooves, after landing as gracefully as a dead elephant, and shouted back to Connor, “Oi! You bloody prick! You can’t keep abusin’ your magic like that!”

To which Connor shouted back “You just fucking watch me abuse it!” But before Tom could reply, Connor had retreated into the trees, presumable to set up a fire. Tom just sighed heavily and trotted up to the nearest tree. After a moment regarding it, Tom just shrugged and used his magic to start pulling apples down from the branches.

Tom continued like this for a couple of minutes, but, unbeknownst to him, a small filly named Applebloom who had a yellow coat and a red mane and bow was watching him, her eyes full of fear and apprehension.

“There’s a monster stealin’ our apples! Ah gotta get help!” Applebloom thought to herself, not daring to speak for fear of alerting the monster to her presence. She slowly started to back up, trying to sneak away from the monster. But just as she thought she was a safe distance away, she trod on a twig, which made a large, dry, snapping sound.

Both Tom and Applebloom froze upon hearing this. Tom slowly turned his head, bringing his big, blue, orb-like eyes to look upon the filly, who was now shaking with fear. A moment of silence elapsed between the two, before Tom finally spoke but one word.

“Bollocks.”

And then Applebloom screamed.

[End of part 1]