The Pony/Brony Conversations {Season One}

Management is not responsible for any misplaced hopes and dreams that you may have upon reading this. If you laugh for more than four hours, stop reading and consult your doctor. If this continues to persist, stop reading fanfiction and maybe take up something relaxing like jumping out of a plane or playing the penis game. This will have strong language, questionable interpretations of various characters, sexual content including humor, and underage cursing. Because of this, we at the Equestrian Rating Board has rated this show Mature. Kick out all whiny pussies, brats, and whiners as this will have really bad language and material. If you complain anyway and can't take a joke, then we politely suggest you go fuck yourself after going to your doctor to get your head examined. Fantasy and reality are two different things, and because of this, you aren't cut out for this sort of shit. Do not attempt any of the stunts in the following and if you do, you probably don't deserve to live anyway. Though whether the pilot episode will have anything dangerous is up for debate!

Enjoy the show!!

TV

MA

DLS

Twilight: Hello and welcome to a very special episode of the show. In this episode, we will basically ask the author some questions. We are very much aware of the significance of this and just where we are.

Pinkie: Do you really know where you are Twilight? It is, after all, a very special place to me.

Twilight: YES! Of course I know where we are. This is the fourth wall, where you say things that make no sense and where THEY watch our every possible move

Fluttershy: Sounds scary. I don't know if I like a whole bunch of strangers staring at me.

Rainbow Dash: Relax Flutters, most of the fans of the show are nice and write stories based on our adventures. Only a handful really write stories that aren't all that good. Some of them even write stories based on our sex lives. You would probably know more about that Rares.

Rarity: Are you implying what I think you're implying darling!

Pinkie: Of course she is Rarity!

Rarity: That isn't what you are supposed to say. You are supposed to say, “Of course not Rarity. Don't be overreacting about such trivial things”

Rainbow Dash: (deadpan) “Of course not Rarity. Don't be overreacting about such trivial things!” I was only joking and you aren't a prissy fuss when it comes to your stallion friends, and or the occasional baby dragon or foal. Are you happy now?

Rarity: I don't like the implications of that statement and I don't think I will dignify that with a response.

Pinkie: Don't you see Rarity? You just reacted to Dashie's bate, and look at least 5% silly with all that you said on the matter.

Twilight: We are getting off schedule. We don't have time for arguing about Rarity's sex life. I am sure she gets plenty.

Rarity: (facehoof) That wasn't the point dear.

Applejack: Don't we have like somepony or some such person to interview? Where is he, I can't believe he is late to his own interview.

Pinkie: He isn't late. How else is this dialogue being written?

Twilight: That isn't the point, he is still late, and it is going against schedule.

Pinkie: I am still telling you Twilight, he isn't late. He is just waiting for the proper time to actually introduce that ark of this little story thing.

Rainbow Dash: He decided to gather us here and tell us a bit about himself just because he can and doesn't really have any qualms about shit like this.

Rarity: Rainbow, after all this earlier conversation and you decide to bring out the offensive language. HOW COULD YOU!?

Rainbow Dash: This is not a public thing Rares. He has this under password and only one person is in the audience tonight.

Applejack: I heard a member of the sadly lacking Applejack fan club is in the audience today.

Twilight: There is a fan club about you?

Applejack: I reckon there is and should be, after all I am Best Pony.

Rainbow: YOU BETRAYED ME HARRISON!!!!! HOW COULD YOU TYPE THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

(candy falls out of the sky and lands in front of Dash)

Rainbow: You think you could just bribe me and expect things to just go back to normal? After betraying me with that statement?

(a picture falls down from the sky, as well as a small piece of paper)

Dash: (looks at the paper) Holy shit!

Twilight: Language, Rainbow! Tone it down.

Dash: Holy fucking shit! I will definitely accept your apology this time bud. But if you betray me, I will have to kill you.

Twilight: Dash!!!!

Dash: WHAT?! He sent me a picture of Spitfire..... well never mind what she is doing, but I really need this.

Applejack and Rarity: I just bet you do!

Harrison: Sorry I am late guys, I was in traffic.

Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight: But you don't drive...

Harrison: I know, but I have always wanted to say that, and now that dream comes true.

Twilight: Anyway, this little session will involve each of us asking you questions about various aspects of your life.

Harrison: Why!?

Pinkie: It is a sad day, when even the author of this thing doesn't know why he is here.

Harrison: All I got was the memo on Geckos and Lizards not being chew toys or playthings.

Fluttershy: (beaming) That is so true!

Rainbow: Well, whatever, who should go first. I want to go back home to take a nap.

Rarity: Is that before or after you have fun with yourself?

Twilight: Rarity!!! Stop being crass

Pinkie: Have you ever said that word before Twilight? That might be a smidgen out of character.

Harrison: Who cares. Let's start the interview already. One of you, ask me shit.

Twilight: Alrighty then, how old are you?

Everybody but Twilight: That question isn't anything new. The answer has already been stated and is a waste of time.

Twilight: Geeze, alright, I get it. You don't have to gang up on me. If you don't like that question, then one of you ask something better.

Fluttershy: Which one of us did you get into, when you first started to watch the show.

Harrison: Good question Fluttershy. I technically didn't get involved in the show till after reading fanficiton. My first story was similar in some weird way to this scenario. All of you were at a sleep over and Twilight over there got asked a sex question during truth or dare by Rainbow Dash.

Rarity: That actually sounds like something she would do.

Rainbow: Hey!! Asking embarrassing personal questions is the only way to go.

Pinkie: Are you right hoof or left hoof dominate.

Rainbow: Left of course! But what does this have to do with anything?

Pinkie: If you have a sick enough mind and can read between the lines, I am sure you can figure it out.

Rarity: (giggles)

Dash: I still don't get it.

Harrison: (whispers something into Dash's ear)

Rainbow: (pale) And I actually said that when it meant THAT!?

(I nod)

Rainbow: I hate you so much right now Pinkie.

Pinkie: You aren't the only one.

Harrison: Bringing the conversation back to me again, I liked what I was reading when I read a story by Streak The Dragon, about TwiSpike. It got me into the show and turned me into a crazy, pony obsessed Brony.

Twilight: Spike and I were together?!

Harrison: Yeah, you went to Rarity for another romance novel so you can have a nice date with Leftie. You tried passing off the aftermath as a tea stain, but Rarity saw through that pathetic lie.

Twilight: Was it really that bad?

Harrison: It would have worked if it wasn't for Rarity smelling it and knowing that it wasn't tea.

Rarity: (smug) I know what is and what isn't tea very well and I am surprised that you would think it would work.

Applejack: How would you know what the difference was?

Rarity: Never you mind that Applejack.

Applejack: First hoof experience?

Rarity: I am not answering that Applejack. I am a lady, and I can choose to ignore what you say.

Pinkie: How does choosing to ignore Applejack, prove your a lady?

Rarity: I haven't thought that far ahead yet, try again in a few minutes.

Harrison: Anyway, does anypony else have something to ask? We need a lot more questions to work with.

Applejack: Which one of us are you attracted to?

Rarity: You can't just ask something like that? Applejack, I am surprised at you.

Harrison: Rainbow Dash, and a smidgen of affection for that pony over there (points to Twilight)

Rainbow and Twilight: (smug) I have absolutely no problem with this.

Harrison: Who can also forget about that one? (points at Fluttershy)

(The next moment involves Fluttershy eeping and falls off her chair, trying to learn the art of invisibility)

(An intense awkward moment of silence occurs as everypony and the author try to figure out how to keep the ball rolling)

Pinkie: What was the craziest thing you ever did as a child... or foal... whichever one fits your situation.

Harrison: I am glad you answered that Pinkie. When I was around 5 or 6, though the actual time frame escapes me, I had a very overactive imagination, and I would like to recreate scenes from my favorite games, where I was the video game character. This meant that I tried to act like a video game. Sadly, I couldn't jump straight up a ledge without hurting my knee.

Rainbow: That sounds kinda lame.

Harrison: (grins sinisterly at Dash) You also haven't heard what I did later at the same school.

Rainbow: Do I want to know?

Harrison: Well one day in class, I was listening to the teacher talk about whatever, and I noticed a pair of scissors nearby.

Twilight: Scissors are very dangerous and shouldn't be in the wrong hooves or life as we know it can end.

(I nod)

Harrison: That is so true, which was why I was very bored. This is the kind of boredom that you feel yourself wasting away.

Rainbow: WOW, that is really fucking bored.

Harrison: Well then I got the greatest idea ever!

Pinkie: Strap on photon torpedoes to your car and use it to blow up drivers that piss the fuck out of you.

Harrison: BETTER!

Pinkie: Set the house on fire and pretend you are Superman.

Harrison: BETTER!

Pinkie: Dedicate your entire life to politics and when you hopefully get elected, raise taxes by 90%

Harrison: No, I decided to play with the scissors and pretend they were a video game boss trying to get me and I had to use my mouth to defeat them, while imagining cheap thrill music in the background of my head.

(Silence... There is absolutely no sound and everypony is struggling to process what they have just heard)

Fluttershy: That sounds..... nice... what happened?

Harrison: (Grinning) I cut my lip and got a palmful of blood in my hand. When I screamed that I cut my lip, I went to the hospital. Well sorta.... just a small doctor who stitched me up. I didn't like that though and started to scream bloody murder.

(Silence)

Harrison: I wonder if those kids in the waiting room at the time appreciated the fact that some random kid was screaming his head off and sounded like he was being murdered.

(Silence)

Harrison: I really don't like needles and had to eventually be restrained since I tried fending off the doctors, bleeding lip be damned.

Rainbow: I can understand that.

Twilight: Rainbow, of course you would understand, when I took you for your flu shot, it took twenty of Princess Celesta's royal guards, Princess Luna, Applejack, and myself to restrain you, and Luna ended up with a shattered pelvis, Celestia with a broken rib, I had a fucking black eye and broken leg, and Applejack was knocked out.

Rainbow: Heh, you remember that.

Twilight: (glare) I had to finally knock you over the head with a fucking table to get anything done. I know you don't like needles, Dash but you fucking hurt me. For reminding me of that unpleasant situation, this is the last time, I let you massage me using butter for awhile.

Dash: (Blushes) but you liked it..... wait... YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT! I also have no control over my reactions when it comes to needles. I am sorry I hurt you, but it couldn't have been helped.

Twilight: I never said you and I weren't a couple anymore, but that black eye fucken hurt.

Rarity: This is severely off the topic. We still have a ton of questions to ask and we are still on the 3rd one.

Pinkie: Yeah, the list is very long and while we have all the time we can possibly need, we actually have to have this go somewhere or the producer will get restless.

Twilight: We have a producer? This isn't TV and nopony or anyone is watching this. We aren't even live or anything!

Pinkie: She should know who she is! (waves at a random spot that no one can see) After all, if you don't know yourself, then what is the whole point?

Harrison: Pinkie, can you try to be normal for once in your life?

Pinkie: (tilts her head in confusion) What is this normal you speak of and how does one be “normal”

Applejack: Never mind random, thinking questions. Let's get the ball rolling and ask these damned questions.

Fluttershy: I agree, if you don't mind, can one of you ask the next question?

(Silence)

Harrison: You know what I just realized?

All: What?

Harrison: I never answered a question about who I got into when I first started the show. I mentioned only one half of the answer and then we got sidetracked by something. I hope this doesn't have a habit of happening.

Pinkie: Does anypony else find the idea of the author himself wondering if this would happen in the first place, odd?

Harrison (ignoring Pinkie) Well, I had researched My Little Pony on Wikipedia, after reading the TwiSpike story, I started to like the characters. The romance was pleasantly graphic, but not anything nearly good enough to get off on.

Dash: Isn't that a bitch? You can't find decent sex these days!

Twilight: (Smug) I thought I did plenty for you already Rainbow. Especially when I rub your p...

Dash: TWILIGHT, WE AGREED TO KEEP THIS PRIVATE!!!!

Twilight: But you said....

Dash: Never mind what I said, we agreed and besides.... (turns to Rarity) She is here and with her nature to gossip and harass innocent relationships till she gets her claws on the juicy gossip, we are not safe.

Rarity: Now what was this about a sensitive spot that Rainbow has?

Twilight: Oh, don't you know Rarity? Rainbow really likes her va....

(Desperate to shut Twilight up, Dash does the only thing that can ever shut Twilight up from disclosing personal information about her. She takes out a clip of what looks like a scrunchy with two metal rungs. She straps it on top of Twilight's horn, and presses a button that only she knew the location of. Twilight's smug expression instantly vanishes and replaced with a look of intense pleasure. Her tongue flops out of her mouth and her legs twitch. She spasms with a look of intense pleasure still on her face. Some drool escapes her mouth.)

Twilight: OOOOHHHH SSSSSSSSWWWWWEEEET CEEEELLLEESSSTIA... FUUUCKKKK YOOOOOUUUU DAAAAA...

(She collapses to the ground proceeding to spasm in pleasure while completely failing to function normally. Loud moans continue to explode out of her mouth. This is proceeded by intense twitching. A white stain slowly appears under her.)

Rainbow: That is the best way for Twilight to shut up when yelling at me. Strap on an electromagnetic vibrator thing on her horn and the rest takes care of itself. She also is extremely cute this way, so all of it is one giant plus for me.

Rarity: (mumbling) Thank Celestia, Sweetie Belle and her friends aren't here... This is something children shouldn't be privy to yet.

Harrison: ARE THERE ANY OTHER DISTRACTIONS THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT!?!

(nothing happens)

Harrison: Okay then, well anyway, once I watched the first episode I was hooked instantly. I was expecting something similar to The Land before Time with morality lessons.

Fluttershy: What is The Land before Time?

Harrison: It was a 1988 film starring a dinosaur Longneck thing named Littlefoot as his mother is killed, he must venture to a better nesting ground. Shitty summery aside, he meets dinosaurs of each species and befriends them.

Fluttershy: Sounds nice, why is that so bad?

Harrison: I agree, the first movie was the best. It wasn't a musical about friendship and caring, and emotional shit like that. The series also proceeds to have like 12 fucken direct to video sequels all having none of the original voice cast. I fucken hated it after the 4th one, then they got old. I also haven't seen anything past the 4th one so that may have something to do with it. The friendship lessons got a bit old and with them randomly breaking into song about it.

Fluttershy: (Crying) but we sing about friendship.... what's the difference

Harrison: First off, I am not condemning MLP. I would have to be fucking nuts or dead to not like the show. Second off, it was a cheesy musical where they forced out songs at seemingly random intervals with absolutely no comedic or logical timing to them. This is something that most musicals seem to have. Too many fucking songs and not a lot of movie.

Applejack: They call it a musical because they have songs. It is pretty weird to complain about these kinds of things when the genre is called a musical.

Harrison: True, and I don't hate all musicals. This is nothing to do with MLP, but some musicals are actually pretty good. Sweeney Todd is one such musical that I can stand. There is a Cupcakes themed Sweeney Todd parody with you in it Pinkie. You had a more happy role in that story, and the cause of it is a little horrible.

Pinkie: (Giggling) What was this one about? There are so many Cupcakes spinoffs and crossovers that I started to lose track of them.

Harrison: Well, Wolokai wrote a trilogy called the Pinkanesia Trilogy. The first one was inspired by Cupcakes and Sweeney Todd. Basically, you and Fluttershy were getting ready in Sugercube Corner for the afternoon rush. Pinkie, you are in the basement trying to locate various ingredients, when you stumble upon a dead body.

All: A WHAT!?!

Harrison: Yeah, you proceed to freak out about it.

Pinkie: Yet another reason that it isn't related to Cupcakes in that way then. As long as I am not purposely killing ponies, then it is at least a bit better.

Harrison: Don't relax yet guys. Anyway, this is about the time that the health inspector shows up.

Pinkie: They tend to do that at the worst possible times. When you are in the shower, fucking your wife, or in bed.

Harrison: I believe those are telemarketers and they do indeed suck, though I myself have a really bad indirect dealing with these fuckers. My internet at my mom's house was very fucked up and every time some fucking idiot called, the internet would restart. This got extremely fucking annoying when I was downloading something or watching something on Youtube. Seems a lot of these people were telemarketers.

Pinkie: So what happened after that in the story?

Harrison: Well I want to avoid a lot of spoilers, but basically you are blamed for murdering the victim and Fluttershy helps you escape. Eventually, when you are escaping (alongside a caraway Scootaloo who hitched a ride... though we don't find this out till later) in the forest, Fluttershy decides to sacrifice herself so that Pinkie can escape with minimal fuss. She gives herself over and basically takes responsibility for Pinkie's supposed crime.

Fluttershy and Pinkie: That sounds kinda bad.

Harrison: What basically ends up happening is Pinkie and Scootaloo living in some kind of City I forget the name of at the moment, and end up killing the rich and greedy and baking them into cupcakes to feed the homeless and poor.

(silence)

Pinkie: That reminds me of something but I don't know what it is. Maybe some kind of Tumblr blog of some kind.

Harrison: I think you are right. That blog had you and Scoots in a Cupcakes themed world as master and assistant... maybe mother. The story crossovers Amnesia, Sweeney Todd, and Cupcakes. The trilogy focuses on Pinkie as a mother figure for Scoots and later in the trilogy, try to stop a dark presence from fucking up Equestria. The 2nd book kills off about 99% of all of you and brings you back at the end thanks to a sacrifice on Pinkie's Part. Though her fate is vague till book 3.

Twilight: That was a bunch of spoilers don't you think?

Harrison: Yeah, but it was vague enough. When I first read it, I was traumatized due to everypony dying, so I figured that was an easier spoiler to deal with. The series ends happily.

Applejack: Harrison, I noticed how comfortable you are with saying everypony. Is there any specific reason for that?

Harrison: When you are obsessed with Ponies as much as I am, you start using the speech of the land so to speak. I won't say it outside of being online, but if any of you were here in the real world and not in some kind of void, I would probably do the same thing.

Twilight: Well, we have time for one more question, before the chapter ends.

Pinkie: Hey, I was supposed to say that last part!

Twilight: I said it first Pinkie, so therefore we will focus on that fact.

Harrison: What did you want to know?

Applejack: What is your most embarrassing memory that you remember? (Grins wide)

Twilight: It is about time we actually focus on the list of questions. (beams at Applejack) Thanks for sticking to the script Applejack.

Harrison: I have two embarrassing memories, but one of them doesn't really count as embarrassing, I just wanted to fit it in this specific chapter.

Pinkie: There is no 4th wall here.... nope... move along people!

Harrison: When I was 11, give or take a little, I was at a kind of social group where we basically learn about social interactions and learn how to behave. This is a piss poor explanation of it, but sometimes we would go out and do fun things together as a group... Well anyway, one time while at an older location, me and this one girl named Katie were playing together. I grabbed her legs and proceeded to drag her... we were playing quite rough... well anyway, I am dragging her backwards, and I notice that my hands are slipping. Next thing I know she is freaking out and looking embarrassed. Long story short, I had accidentally pulled her pants down. I was 11 and could see her panties.... though I have no idea what they were. She didn't slap me as it was innocent, but I can damn well say the moment was ruined forever. No one else saw this, at least I can't remember if there were any witnesses, but I tried my best to avoid her, worried that I had ticked her off.

Rainbow: (laughing) That is rich. You pulled down a mare's pants.

Harrison: We were rough housing.... I didn't mean to! She forgave me and it was the last time I ever seen anything of that nature.

Fluttershy: What happened to her?

Harrison: I have no idea. We haven't spoken for around 12 years... I lost contact with those specific group members, but there were two Katie's' around that time so we called them their name alongside the first initial of their last names.

Rarity: Well what is the next moment, dear?

Harrison: Yes. I had almost forgotten. This one isn't embarrassing but it is serious. Did you know that I could have died as a baby?

(gasps are heard around the void as everypony looks shocked)

Twilight: Really?

Harrison: Yeah, my mom works as a Home Health Nurse and goes around basically taking care of various people who need her help or have a tough time functioning on their own. Basically the definition of a Home Health Nurse. Well one day, with her older car, she was on her way to the next patient. She had me and a dog of ours that I don't remember in the car with her. There was some engine problems and the car finally seemed to stop outside a house.

Fluttershy: Oh my.... I have a bad feeling about this.

Harrison: She takes me and the dog outside to go phone for help at this person's house and when she gets to the door of the house, the car bursts into flames.

Rainbow and Applejack: Holy fuck!

Harrison: If she didn't take me and the dog outside with her, then this conversation wouldn't be happening.

(Silence)

Twilight: This is one hell of a way to leave off this chapter.  I was hoping it would be a little happier then that.

Harrison: That is why I started with the more embarrassing one first. To fuck with everyone's emotions with the wrong one.

Rainbow: Well I have to catch up with the latest episode in the Daring Do show... This was a lot of fun, but I really need to know how she escapes this one. She was shot, drugged, and left for dead and I don't see any possible way she can escape. I hope nothing bad happens.

Twilight: Rainbow, you forget, we have to go to Canterlot so I can introduce you to my parents as my date instead as one of the Elements.

Rainbow: Dammit, how could I forget something like that?

Rarity: Sweetie Belle needs somepony at home with her at all times so I have to take off as well. Who knows what can happen with that one?

Applejack: I am sure everypony knows what I have to do at this point as it is all I ever do.

Pinkie: Same here. I have to go drown a duck in the bathtub.

Fluttershy: PINKIE!!!!

Pinkie: Don't worry, it is some kind of advertising duck. He is really fucking annoying and even you would find him a fucking waste of space.

Fluttershy: Oh, well have fun with that.

Harrison: I guess this is the end of the first chapter. We will be here at some other point in time, and we hope that our producer likes the show so far. This is Harrison, signing off. Till next time fuckers!

(Cue My Little Pony credits theme)