The Pony/Brony Conversations {Season One}

The following will contain strong language, sexual content, humor, and themes, some violent descriptions, and pony cuddling. Make sure you are okay with various ponies being held and humiliated before attempting to read this and future episodes. Ponies are made to be held and adored. I am not responsible if you flip your shit and find cuddling with an adorable little pony offensive. Loaded with D'awww so if you for some strange reason don't like that... well you might want to consult your local nuthouse... Seriously, this is the most feel orientated episode I have done. Extra warning for that. Hey, you never know... there could be people adverse to d'awww. You should thank me really!

Enjoy the Show anyway!

TV

MA

DLS

Special Guest Star: Derpy Hooves

(The scene is Twilight's Library. Everypony and myself are currently sitting in various chairs in a circle)

Harrison: Boy do I have a fun episode planned for all of you today.

Twilight: What exactly are we going to be accomplishing today?

Harrison: In my world, there is an internet cartoon about adorable little creatures having adventures. This series is called Happy Tree Friends. The show is really quite cute in a way.

Fluttershy: (perking up) That sounds kinda nice.

Harrison: Fluttershy, I am not so sure you should even be here for this. The episodes aren't as nice as you are expecting. The cuteness factor doesn't last long.

(As I am talking, the Crusaders, as well as Rainbow Dash, are having a small discussion. Dash is grinning and explaining something to Scootaloo.)

Rainbow: It is a totally awesome prank, Squirt. Just kick his chair and wait for him to crash to the ground. I made a deal with Pinkie to put a pie under the wood paneling, replacing it with a fake one. He totally won't be expecting it.

Scootaloo: I don't know, he seems to be a really big fan of me, it doesn't seem nice to kick over his chair for a prank.

Rainbow: This is a right of passage of becoming an adult, Squirt.

Scootaloo: (tilts her head in confusion) How does kicking over the chair of what, amounts to my biggest fan, count as a right of passage into a mare? I think you finally lost your shit Rainbow.

Rainbow: Yeah yeah whatever. Just do the damn prank and I will take you flying with me and Twilight later.

Scootaloo: Did we mention on this show that Twilight is an Alicorn?

Apple Bloom: Don't be such a baby Scoots. I can guarantee that he will take it well.

Sweetie: Do the prank Scootaloo and if you are a good sport about it, I will personally make it worth your while.

(Sweetie leans in real close, licking her lips a little and Scootaloo shivers slightly. She, as well as her poor victim are full on red)

Scootaloo: Do you know that you are evil Sweetie? (pause) Wait, what do you mean good sport about it? What the hell are you talking about?

(Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Rainbow Dash all struggle, rather terribly to hide laughter. Giggles still manage to escape from their confines.)

(Scootaloo glares at them in fierce suspicion. She doesn't appear to be aware of anything though)

Sweetie: (sultry voice) You know you want to Scoots. I can think of so many ways to repay you. You know that thing you always want me to do, but I have never done. Well I will add my horn to our little... practice sessions.

(Scootaloo shivers and both Rainbow and Scootaloo's wings snap outwards)

Rainbow: (grumbling) Dammit Sweetie Belle, you gave me a fucking wing boner.

Sweetie: (innocent look) Who me? I have no idea what you are talking about. (smiles wide, oozing innocence and smiles) I would never think of such a dirty thing.

Rainbow: (wince and grimaces) Damn, I don't think I can argue this.

Sweetie: No Rainbow, no you can not. (her smile widens) I am just an adorable little unicorn filly. I go to school, learn magic, and completely behave myself. (her smile droops slightly and her tone turns deadpan) Plus no pony will ever believe you.

Scootaloo: Alright, alright, just give me a moment to calm down. It will be fucking embarrassing if I try to prank him with a wing boner. It sends the wrong message.

(While Scootaloo attempts to calm down her... problem, the focus switches over to myself, explaining the show I plan for the girls)

Harrison: So each episode focuses on a solo or group of these little critters called the Happy Tree Friends as their days don't quite turn out so well. Though that is an understatement.

Twilight: Alright, where is it aired?

Harrison: It has a popular fan base on the internet, but it also had a spot on television as well. I just so happen to have my laptop with me due to a convenient plot point. Just give me a moment to boot this fucker up and you ladies will have the experience of a lifetime.

Pinkie: Isn't it already on though?

Harrison: Pinkie, just let me have my fun.

Rarity: Is this some sort of ruffian thing that is going to make me upset?

Harrison: You sound like my mother asking if this movie or this show is going to upset her. Don't do that, it's creepy.

Applejack: Well I just so happen to have free time from apple bucking, so I can waste a ton of time till I am called again to buck the living shit out of the trees.

Fluttershy: Well it sounds nice and relaxing so I might as well stay here and watch this show.

Harrison: (Sees Scootaloo sneak closer to the chair and grins..pretending to notice nothing) Well I will show you five episodes and introduce you to one of the greatest internet toons in my opinion. There is a list though, but this is one of them.

Twilight: Wonderful, and we are already properly organized!

(Scootaloo gets close)

Harrison: So, now that this computer is all set up, we can start..... hang on a sec ladies!

(I lean over suddenly and without warning, startling the almighty fuck out of Scootaloo. I grab her and hold her closely)

Harrison: Hi there Scootaloo, since you seem so eager to start you can be with me. My own little Scootaloo.

(She stares at me with confusion. She is no doubt wondering what just happened.)

Harrison: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I have Scootaloo in my arms and she will never get away. Think of the possibilities...

Scootaloo: You scare me.

Harrison: I scare myself sometimes too. Just stay right there and never leave, just don't piss on my leg.

(Rainbow, Sweetie, and Apple Bloom are in stitches, laughing silently and in hysterics.  AJ, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rarity are looking confused, Twilight however looks rather annoyed.)

Harrison: Seriously though, this is a dream come true. This is the greatest moment in my life. Just, please don't pee on my leg. These are good pants and I don't want pony pee on my leg.

(This comment proceeds to make Rainbow actually wiggle around in her hysterical laughter. Tears are falling down her face and her stomach is heaving almost violently from trying to retain her air supply.)

Scootaloo: I am not a child. I haven't peed the bed since I was a foal. Don't pester me. (pause) Is it really such a big deal that I am here?

Harrison: (hugs Scootaloo) You are my favorite Crusader. You are even my Best Pony that people seem to have. (hugs and nuzzles Scootaloo) You are so soft. Why are Ponies so soft?

Scootaloo: Well... (again another pause) you really think I am all that special? I can't f....

Harrison: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE GO THERE!!! You are special because you still have yet to discover your special talent. I too have no fucking clue what to do with my life. You are so special Scootaloo.. (hugs her tighter) and you will stay with me till the episode is over. In fact I am going to cuddle all the ponies here at some point.

Anyway, each episode from this point onward, I will have a pony companion sit with me where I fidget with them or cuddle them. This is in a completely and 100 percent non-sexual way, so any of you that are in a loving relationship with slightly clingy partners, you don't have to worry about anything. Although if any of you have any accidents, or find yourself turned on, the privilege is revoked and I don't like you as much anymore. Control yourselves dammit!

Derpy: (Falling with style and lands suddenly scaring almost everypony there.) I hope I am not too late. I heard we were starting an independent show, and I just love those things. The drama, excitement, and all that stuff.

Harrison: Cool our first guest star. Glad you could make it Derpy. I was just explaining to everypony that I am holding free cuddle sessions to my favorite ponies or ponies who like that sort of thing.

Derpy: Well the post office allowed me to take a break, and I felt it was necessary to mingle among the masses. Wait, this isn't going to turn into an orgy later is it? I am not allowed to have those anymore.

(Silence.. There is no one or anypony that dares speak.)

Derpy: (continues on oblivious) Yes, I remember that day fondly. I sent 4 stallions and 4 mares to the hospital. They said something about really high stamina. So now I have to hump the pillow or steal some food to get off nowadays. Of course, my new room mate sometimes helps me out. (Her ears droop and her wall-eye actually proceeds to rip various hearts to shreds) I love my room mate so very much you know. If it wasn't for her, I would be so alone in my cold, lifeless house without Goldy there anymore. (she perks up again) So, what have I missed. Did any juicy secrets get revealed?

(Another round of silence, before Sweetie decides to break it)

Sweetie: What's an orgy? (she practically oozes innocence)

Derpy: It is when a mare, or sometimes a stallion decide that it is too boring to have fun with one another on their own, so they gather all their friends (or sometimes random strangers) and decide to really enjoy one another's company as a group.

Sweetie: Oh, so it's Tuesdays with Rarity and Applejack then? I was wondering why there were so many stallions and mares at the Boutique. I have never seen the place so crowded.

Derpy: Those were so much fun!

Rarity: (She is a violent shade of red) Let us never speak of this again.

Applejack: (equal shade of red) Agreed

Harrison: Let's just pretend we never heard that rather revealing tidbit about Derpy, Applejack or Rarity and just start the show already.

Derpy: Yay! You mean I can stay? Oh this makes me really happy. (she starts dancing with a very happy look on her face, but it is over before the image can be fully implanted) Wait, I must test your usefulness factor. What kind of muffins do you enjoy?

Harrison: I love Blueberry muffins! I have been known to hog them before my mom can even eat one.

Derpy: (her grin threatens to split her face apart) I think I love you mister! Everything is better with muffins.

Twilight: Right, well we need to move on. Harrison was going to show us Happy Tree Friends.

Derpy: REALLY!!? I love that show. Kinda sad sometimes, but the music when they are panicking is funny. My favorite is Nutty since a good deal of his shannaguns have actually happened to me before. Minus most of the outcomes of course. I actually got trapped under a vending machine once and had to eat about two-hundred bars of chocolate to be able to escape. Now I no longer like chocolate, as it brings back painful memories. Chocolate almost killed me and I hate it for that. On the lighter side, I developed a fetish for being trapped against my will. So the world is now looking up again. (finishes with a huge dopey grin)

Harrison: How is it that you are getting access to an earth show, Derpy?

Derpy: (smiling) I have no idea!

Pinkie: Derpy, how is it possible for you to see it? Even I haven't heard of it. This, coming from the mare who knows what Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory are. I am in this blind just as everypony else is.

Derpy: I just picked it up once on TV. Why, is that a bad thing?

Twilight: Do we even get any Earth stations?

Derpy: If this is something bad, I can get rid of it. The last thing I need is to be in trouble with the law again. I am now on a three strike policy and if I get in trouble next time, they take my muffin supply away.

Twilight: (sighs) No, Derpy, this is just a little strange. (beat) Wait, what do you mean about getting in trouble again?

Derpy: I don't want to talk about it.

Harrison: I just want to take a moment here, and say that these episodes contain violence and some of it is rather graphic. Some episodes are rather painful to watch. This isn't for everypony and I really don't want to upset any of you. Doesn't protect any of you from watching it though. (fidgets with Scootaloo's wings. After awhile I start petting her. I don't seem to notice it)

Scootaloo: This feels weird. (to the others) Let's start the show already. (Settles up close and gets herself comfortable.

(The others, especially Sweetie Belle, who is glaring at me, settle around the laptop. My desktop is shown with my background)

Dash and Scootaloo: Holy shit, that background!

Twilight: So this is what your computer looks like?

Harrison: Yep. I have all my important applications along with this background. I was really proud of myself for finding a background to showcase my favorite ponies. Do you know how fucking hard it is to find Jpg pictures of you ponies?

Dash: I approve of this. This make me look around 100% cooler than I already am.... And this isn't an easy task!

Scootaloo: I am hanging out with Dash. Oh wow, this is so awesome! Thanks for showing this! (hugs me)

(Sweetie's glare is increased and she drills her piercing gaze into the back of my skull, hoping it explodes. I take no notice, but Scootaloo does and realizes what it must look like.)

Scootaloo: You need to chill Sweetie! Why don't you join me up here? If you are going to be the clingy jealous pony, you might as well be here with me. After all, it isn't nearly as fun without you up here.

(Before Sweetie can gather enough of her brain power, she is dragged, somewhat roughly to stand awkwardly near Scootaloo. Being a light, fluffy little pony, she is, of course not heavy at all)

Harrison: Hello there Sweetie Belle. You picked a good time to join us. You are so cuuuutee, I think this means you get a cookie for no reason. (holds out a random, if ordinary cookie)

Sweetie: (lightening up) YAY!!! Free random cookies! (takes the offered treat, and noms on it, making happy noises)

Harrison: So cute!

Scootaloo: Hey, I want a random cookie too. You said I was your favorite. That means I get free shit too.

Harrison: You drive a hard bargain. Why don't you take this Blueberry muffin that I just had randomly?

Derpy: Muffins are the key to happiness. They literally make any and all problems go away. Random wars? Give the opposite side a muffin and watch the smiles form. Annoying co worker trying to kill you? Offer a muffin and he will be so happy and spare you. Trust me on this one. Muffins are the key to any problem, even world domination.

Twilight: What was that last one?

Derpy: I said, I built a really nice snowmare.

Twilight: Oh okay.

Derpy: Phew!

(I feel a brief moment of pain and a weight settle on my head. Turns out I have another visitor.)

Apple Bloom: You haven't forgotten about me have you?

Harrison: Are you kidding me!? I would be yelled at by my producer if I left you out.

Apple Bloom: (confused) What does that mean?

Harrison: It is a random shout out. Just try to ignore it.

Apple Bloom: Oh okay.

Twilight: I also notice what appear to be game folders. Luna should be happy as she just recently got involved in the gaming past time. Sometimes Dash and I go to the Castle and hold gaming nights with her. She has already developed quite a fondness for them and gained skill in just a few short months.

Harrison: All of these are games I actually enjoy. I used to be quite addicted to video games, so much so that I parodied (for lack of a better word) a drug trade at school. My parents were upset that I was irritable when I would play some games, and attempted to take away my Gameboy Advance. This one kid had a spare Gameboy and at this time, I actually had money. I bought it off him and when I got caught and they asked for the system, I ran into their room and hid the spare behind the bed, and then gave them the copy system for I had two. I later snuck in and got the spare.

Dash: You sneaky bastard. I like that.

Harrison: Coming from you Dash, I take that as a compliment. I also think that you deserve to be second on my little list for that compliment.

Dash: (nervous) What does that mean?

Harrison: (ominous tone) You'll see Dashie. You will totally see. (chuckles sinisterly, and starts to pet Scootaloo mane)

Dash: I don't like the sound of that. You know, you can be creepy sometimes. (looks at me petting Scootaloo as I am laughing my ass off) Like really fucking creepy.

Harrison: Anyway, I have the first episode set up. Last chance for any of you to bail.

Fluttershy: (raises her hoof) I actually have some very important laundry to do. If you don't mind, can I go and do it?

Harrison: A very excellent reason. While I think it over, why don't you eat this very delicious apple?

Fluttershy: (squeals lightly and trots over) Ohh, I like apples. This makes me so happy! (she nuzzles my hand and props herself somewhat closer to my chair and enjoys the distraction.... I mean meal)

Harrison: This first episode is called See You Later, Elevator.

Pinkie: Hey that sounds kind of like See you later, alligator!

Dash: Seriously Pinkie? It was a pun. Thanks for explaining the joke.

Pinkie: Your welcome!

Dash: (sigh) That wasn't the point Pinkie.

Derpy: I actually experienced something similar to this. Getting stuck in an elevator isn't fun. Pretty much the entire episode is what happened to me. I was in Lum.... I mean the passenger's hoof-steps here. Yep, that is what happened. (grins wide then she mutters to herself) At least those meanies deserved it when I did it to them! Nobody threatens my roommate and lives.

Harrison: This episode is actually kind of funny in a dark kind of way. One of the scenes in this episodes mirrors a scene from the horror movie Final Destination 2. Remember ponies, do not do ANY of these things. (glares at the Crusaders) This is dangerous shit, and I am not having you do any dangerous things like ANYBODY in the episode.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: Fine

Harrison: (Grabs the Crusaders and holds them close) Then enjoy this first episode ladies!

Youtube Video

(Several ponies are excited and can barely sit still. Fluttershy is nervous, picking up on the somewhat sinister sounding innocence. Dash and Twilight are holding one another and invading the other's personal space. Rarity, likewise is lying nearly upon Applejack, while Pinkie is oddly enough completely still except for the odd twitch of excitement. Derpy is hanging on me and giggling to herself. Once the show starts and the theme picks up, the first reaction is stated with complete seriousness)

Dash: That theme is really fucking annoying.

Twilight: Shhh, you are talking during the show.

(The storybook appears and again a rude interruption occurs)

Rarity: He doesn't look very reliable. My Applejack is ten times the hard worker that oaf is.

Applejack: Aww thanks sugar. But the show hasn't started yet, how can you tell so soon?

Rarity: How many hard, dedicated workers do you know that are named Lumpy?

Applejack: Fair point

Twilight: I like the alliteration. But the text seems a bit off.

Dash: You would notice that wouldn't you egghead?

Twilight: You bet!

Fluttershy: EVERYTHING IS SO CUUUUTTEEE. I can't believe I was worried about this. I bet everything is going to be just....

Harrison: Please don't finish that.

Fluttershy: But...

Harrison: It doesn't last long. I remember when I first saw this show.... just.. don't finish that sentence.

(The episode starts and Mime, Giggles, Cuddles, and Sniffles both get on an elevator. Handy tries getting there but the door closes rudely before he can get on. He isn't pleased about this)

Rarity: Those bastards, can't they see that he was there? He has no hooves and they just ignored him.

Applejack: That doesn't sound very neighborly of them.

Derpy: Yes, Handy doesn't get treated very well in the series. I am not just talking about the obvious here. They never explain what happened to his hooves, but in one episode they do give a very good possible way using another character.

Harrison: I love that episode. So romantic.

Twilight: Sniffles is the anteater, correct? Well I just adore him. He hasn't spoken or done much of anything yet but he just strikes me as somepony I would want to know. (swoons slightly for some reason)

Dash: Come on, is every egghead attracted to other eggheads like some kind of fucking beacon?

Derpy: Sniffles is indeed the smartest character in the entire show. He is one of my personal favorites. Episodes with him, generally don't end well...

Fluttershy: What exactly does that mean? I mean, they are okay... right?

Derpy and Harrison: Oh boy

(A father and his cub go up to the elevator and the father presses the call button. He has a pipe in hand and uses a match to lights it.)

Rarity: He shouldn't be smoking near a foal.

Derpy: Oh I hate that guy. Yeah, he is funny as all get out, but he just irks me so. He is so careless and a bad father to boot. Dinky always comes to mind when I think of that jerk. Makes me feel like a bad mother. He is called Pop and his son is Cub. Cub is cute in all, but Dinky is better then him. I should know. I still have my daughter and I haven't had any accidents with her for quite some time.

Fluttershy: So cute. Reminds me of Mr. Bear and Mr. Wobbles.

(After lighting said match, he carelessly tosses it behind him.)

Fluttershy: (gasps) Oh he littered. Somepony can seriously get hurt if they were to get set on fire. He should know better then to carelessly toss lit matches like that.

Derpy: Now you know why I hate him. Things are way too easy with him and they are always predictable. Every single freaken episode that he appears in, is predictable. At least the ones featuring him as a focus. Sometimes he just happens to be there.

(The match floats in the wind, but is quickly blown into a window. Toothy is hard at work working on what appears to be the next big novel or something. He laughs in relief for a bit before the match flies into the room)

Fluttershy: (eyes wide) Oh Mr. Beaver, get off your butt and hightail it out of there. You can be hurt.

Derpy and Harrison: Oh no!

(The beaver looks over at it and suddenly the room is engulfed in flames.)

Fluttershy: (sighing sadly) You should have actually made an effort to run. These things can happen. Now you are slowly and painfully burning to death.

Harrison: Well that reaction was unexpected.

Derpy: I thought for sure she would panic.

Dash: (laughing) He didn't even try. Poor Toothy.

Fluttershy: Mr. Beaver has a name?

Derpy: Yes, his name is Toothy and he isn't my favorite of the cast, but I do have one favorite episode he appeared in.

Harrison: Is it Eye Candy by any chance?

Derpy: (pleased surprise) Yes! How ever did you know?

Harrison: Cause that is one of my all time favorite episodes.

AJ: So this show focuses on this sort of thing?

Rarity: Tasteless comedy appealing to a low standard. But I have to admit, I find it rather amusing.

Dash: His screams please me greatly

(Everybody stops watching and turns to stare at Dash in alarm)

Dash: What!? It was funny.

Fluttershy: Burning to death is rather painful. I imagine he is in intense, emotional and extreme agony. The fact that fire boils the skin is even worse.

Harrison: Jesus Christ Fluttershy!

(The fire alarm logically is turned on and the pierce shrill runs throughout the building. The building, of course causes the elevator to stop working, trapping the heroes inside. They start to panic slightly)

Harrison: One of my personal fears is to be trapped in an elevator. I don't actually suffer for this or anything, but it is always in the back of my mind to be trapped in a crowded elevator.

Sweetie: This is actually kind of cool. The music matches the chaos onscreen. It is kinda horrible in a funny kind of way. This pleases me.

Scootaloo: Kinda boring with the lame death of fire though. I assume Toothy, or whoever the fuck he is, died. I want to see something more exciting than being burned to death.

Apple Bloom: I'm bored. I wish something exciting happens soon or I'm leaving

AJ: This is just silly. Shouldn't a fire pony be called to the scene?

(The next scene shows Lumpy being called to the scene. He is obviously the fireman called for duty)

AJ: Oh they are so fucked now. I don't like that guy.

Harrison and Derpy: (brohoof) This is going to be awesome.

(He runs up to the elevator and pushes the button)

Fluttershy: (upset) Oh you silly moose! You don't push the button when the building is on fire. Everypony knows this and you should feel bad that you didn't take that class.

Harrsion: That is the point. He is supposed to be stupid. That's pretty much all he is good for.

Fluttershy: Oh those poor animals. May Celestia pity those doomed creatures.

Harrison: Celestia can't save them now!

Derpy: Ooh, this next scene is my favorite!

(The fire short circuits the elevator causing various wires to spark dangerously. The elevator free falls with the hapless victims still inside. Lumpy is still waiting for the elevator. After about 5 seconds, he gives up and searches for the stair case. Finding one, he looks up and notices that the staircase is horrifyingly huge. He looks rather scared)

AJ: Lazy fucker probably never worked a fucken day in his life. I can easily gallop up those stairs and have those poor souls out in no time. I really don't like that moose and he makes me feel slow and useless.

Rarity: That is why I love you Applejack! You have a wonderful work ethic. (kisses Applejack on the cheek) I love you so much.

Dash: Is it me, or is this episode being really, really sappy?

Twilight: (nuzzles Dash's neck) I think it is just you, Dashie. That might be a problem. I might have to prescribe some vigorous workouts and a week of sex to cure you.

Dash: Shut up Twilight! (beat) Best medicine ever!

(The elevator stops on a random floor, and dings cheerfully. Mime, one of the lost souls on the evil elevator of doom notices that he is somehow alive, and recovers from the emotional turmoil of earlier. Sniffles, sensing his chance, runs cheerfully toward the exit)

Twilight: Yes Sniffles, run freely out of there. He might just make it!

(Instantly the doors slam shut, trapping him half way out of the elevator. His smile frozen)

Twilight and Fluttershy: He can still be alive!

(Cut to the inside of the elevator. One half of the anteater's body falls away. Half of his skull and internal organs steam in non-existent sunlight.

This proceeds to shock Twilight, Dash, Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack slightly at how gory it is. Derpy, myself, Fluttershy and the Crusaders however are calm. The reactions of those on the elevator mirror those shocked)

Fluttershy: I don't think elevator doors are that sharp. (split second pause) Hey, at least his face made it it off!

Scootaloo: Ooh look at the blood!

Apple Bloom: (laughing slightly) Gross

Sweetie: I have the strangest craving for spaghetti right now! (She nuzzles Scootaloo, half in relief, half in comfort)

Twilight: (in tears) Nooooo Sniffles! Why!? You were so close.

Dash: (comforting the distraught unicorn) It's okay Twilight. At least he is in a slightly better place now.

(Lumpy is straining on screen as if he ran a marathon. Cut to a revealing shot of Lumpy having climbed the first two steps)

All but AJ: (laughing hysterically)

AJ: (extremely angry) OH THAT FUCKER! HE MADE IT TWO FUCKING STEPS! I OUGHT TO BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT FUCKING MOOSE. HOW DARE HE MOCK HARD WORK AND LABOR. THE REST OF US WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING. HE MAKES ME SICK!

Rarity: (nuzzling Applejack slightly) It's okay dear! Just calm down.

Derpy: I love that scene!

(The elevator stops and the doors open revealing the elevator is just below the floor with enough room for one of the characters to make it. Cuddles, this time decides to make a break for it. He furiously scrambles up the side of the floor, but when he is halfway out, the doors close and the elevator suddenly drops. His intestines stretch as his faint screaming can be heard. Twilight retches a little, but everypony else is fine.)

Fluttershy: Silver linings everywhere! Oh this is so much fun! Cuddles' face this time made it out. Sniffles and Cuddles were able to get some portions of their body parts out of that nasty elevator. Disappointing that it is a bit unrealistic. Intestines aren't that long and it should snap after awhile.

Harrison: Christ almighty, Fluttershy! That is really disturbing.

Dash: (laughing her ass off) Why can't I stop laughing?

Sweetie: I really need to eat some spaghetti after this. This is making me really hungry.

Apple Bloom: This is really sick. But I can't look away.

Harrison: Ahh, memories!

Derpy: I know, right? I remember the first episode I watched absolutely horrified me, but now I am desensitized to it.

Rarity: How are you holding up dear?

AJ: I am fine. This is pretty over the top, but I can see the appeal in it. Just, Lumpy really pisses me off.

Twilight: (slightly ill) I really don't know if I can stomach this. Nothing in my books has ever been this gory before.

Derpy and Harrison: (shit eating grins) It gets better!

(Lumpy finally seems to have made some progress and pants, hard. He soon vomits slightly off screen due to the strenuous (for him) activity.)

AJ: (Extremely smug) Yeah, you stupid motherfucker, you are suffering due to the burn of no exercise. Next time, try to pace your ass and maybe you won't utterly exhaust yourself.

Dash: Seriously AJ? The fucking moose is a piece of shit dumb ass. Why are you getting yourself so worked up over it?

AJ: I have no idea, really. I guess I just need to point out Lumpy's flaws to make myself feel better. He is so utterly incompetent, that he makes me feel lazy by comparison.

Rarity: You and lazy just don't mix dear! Try not to let it get to you.

(Lumpy hears several of the panicked victims... eh, heroes pound frantically on the elevator door. No doubt freaking out about two deaths they couldn't prevent. He gasps, and rushes off. He prepares his ax to chop the door down, but almost mockingly, they swing open, and Mime is left smiling dumbly for a few moments)

Fluttershy: Oh I wonder what could possibly happen now!? Move, you stupid deer!

Derpy: (whispers to me) I think Fluttershy is having too much fun commentating to realize she just insulted a somewhat living creature.

Harrison: (I nod) True! (To Fluttershy) Oh you are so good Fluttershy! Have another apple! (I throttle.. eh, cuddle with the adorable pegasus and strangely hear a small squeeing sound as I hand her an apple)

Fluttershy: (Squees... eventually breaking midway through Yay apple! (munches happily)

Derpy and Harrison: (brohoof)

(Lumpy swings at the exact moment at the temporary free Mime, and Lumpy rewards this creature with a swift, hard swing of the ax to the face, splitting it in half. Mime does not look very happy about this. His brain is visible briefly during this.)

Fluttershy: Oh come on! He had plenty of time to move out of the way! He deserved that!

Dash: (laughing) It's his own fault for standing there. He had plenty of time to move and the fucker didn't even move. Wasn't Giggles paying attention enough to have warned him to move his ass out of the way?

Derpy: About 95% of this show doesn't follow logic. Anything and everything can be used to kill them. Those of us with a screwed up sense of humor find it comically exaggerated. What you might do in this situation is almost always the opposite of what they do. One character in this show is the smartest when it comes to most of the problems that abound, but even she isn't immune to death.

AJ: That's kind of smart thinking there Derpy.

Derpy: Just because I am accident prone, have a wall-eye and currently on the Prince's hate list, doesn't mean I am not smart. Most ponies think I am stupid or silly. Let them! There aren't a lot of ponies who still share that opinion and are in a coherent enough state to argue with me.

Twilight: Again, what are you talking about? Which prince? What the hell is going on?

Derpy: (nonchalant) Prince Blueblood of course. He constantly trying to get me charged for treason. Not that it will do any good. So, every night I tie him up and dangle him out of the palace tied to his bed sheets.

Twilight:  That doesn't sound very nice Derpy. He is royalty!

Rarity and Derpy: He is not. He is a greedy, manipulating bastard that feeds off equine suffering.

Derpy: Plus he owes me two-hundred thousand bits. So he tries to get me charged for treason so he wouldn't pay it.

Scootaloo: (During this conversation she has made her perch on my shoulder. Her friend Apple Bloom is on my left, while Scootaloo is on my right. She looks near comatose with boredom) Why don't we finish this damned episode already? There are still another four to watch.

(Lumpy, horrified that he accidentally chopped somebody's face in half, pulls back from his swing. The doors rudely shut in front of him and the elevator continues it's goal of free fall and terrifying the lone survivor Giggles. Lumpy manages to open the elevator door and is greeted by Cuddles' intestines. Seeing no other option available, our heroic moose slides like a fireman down using the intestines.)

AJ: Can that be done? Can you slide down intestines like that? Is any of this shit possible to do?

Harrison: Would you like to find out AJ?

AJ: No thank you! I am fond of all my bodily organs, thanks. But thank you for the offer though. Maybe next time.

Twilight: (a little green, combined with some shivers from the imagined pain) This is making me sick.

Dash: (still in agony over her excessive laughter) I think I am going to die. This is just too funny. I have to stop laughing.

Sweetie: (groans) I am sooo hungry. I wish I ate a bigger meal. This is making me really hungry.

(Scootaloo, noticing the unicorn's pain jumps off my right shoulder and starts holding the unicorn. This seems to cheer up Sweetie slightly from her self induced starvation)

Scootaloo: Is there anything you want to eat? We have food if I am not mistaken. Harrison gave us several random snacks already.

Sweetie: (grins weakly) What I want to eat, I can't do in public. No, this is actual hunger pain, not libido. I want a meal, preferably noodles.

Harrison: Hey, no eating each other out while on my person. This is a cuddle fest, not THAT kind of entertainment. I told you to control your urges. Also I don't have instant noodles on me. All I have are a comically infinite supply of muffins, cookies, and apples.

Scootaloo: Damn! Well let's just finish this episode. It looks to be almost over.

(Giggles is crying. Whether or not it is because Mime, Cuddles, and Sniffles died is unknown. Logic would denote that it is a combination of sheer unadulterated terror combined with the emotional agony of seeing people die in front of you. She appears to have given up all hope of possibly escaping)

Pinkie: Hey! Stop with that depressing line of thought! That sounds really depressing don't you think? Maybe, I don't know make it happier?

Harrison: Who are you talking to Pinkie?

Pinkie: I don't know if that is ironic or what, so I will just ignore it. I give up trying to figure you out.

Harrison and Twilight: Oh no! The world is going to end. Pinkie is giving up on figuring out the strange and unexplained. We are so fucked!

(Giggles descent into sorrow is quickly interrupted as she hears a noise coming from above. Lumpy had arrived and was trying to unlatch the top portion of the elevator. Giggles cheers up considerably. Cut to outside, Lumpy is carrying a slightly charred, yet happily alive Giggles.)

Derpy: She kinda looks like she just had the best sex of her life. Her eyes are half-closed and she looks like she has an afterglow.

Harrison: Really? How would you explain the fire burn?

Derpy: There are really odd ponies in the world. How do you know that one would have a fire fetish?

Harrison: Oh dear fuck, that probably implies Lumpy was the one who did that!

Derpy: This has been a disturbing image brought to you in part by Dirty Minds Inc. Where we give you brain scarring imagery at the fraction of the cost.

AJ: I don't fucking believe it! How is it possible that he successfully saved her?

(Setting down the survivor, Lumpy quickly heads back into the rapidly burning building, possibly looking for more survivors. He also might just be that stupid and want to go back. That's always a possibility. Without warning, the building explodes and to Giggles' horror, bodies start raining down. True to what anyone would do, she starts to panic, but before she could do more than scream, the elevator that is somewhat responsible for all this crushes her. The elevator dings and Lumpy surprisingly exits carrying Cuddles. It's his lower and better half. He sets it down and starts to perform CPR on the intestine causing his stomach to swell. The closing iris starts to close just as Cuddles' stomach explodes. An eerie quiet settles over the ponies as the credits roll.

Moral of the Story? "There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs")

Harrison: So ladies, how was your first foray into the mindfuckery of Happy Tree Friends?

Twilight: Interesting. I absolutely loved it. I am broken up by Sniffles but it was intriguing just how ordinary objects can cause such mayhem. I love the morals. Makes me think of what I already do with Princess Celestia and the friendship reports.

Dash: It was fucking hysterical. I don't think I have seen anything more amusing in my life.

Rarity: I agree with Twilight. Ordinary, everyday items can cause the most gruesome accidents. I was expecting something awful with no redeeming qualities. Fortunately, that assessment isn't true.

Pinkie: It was funny, but in a not so funny way. Makes me kinda sad that I find amusement in suffering. I am not Cupcakes Pinkie, therefore I don't find pleasure in suffering. The animals were cute, if a little dumb about common sense.

AJ: Except for Lumpy's stupidity, and how he makes me feel lazy by association, I think this show is pretty darn alright considering it's subject.

Sweetie: It made me hungry! But I liked it anyway. The violence was a bit meh, but it was pretty funny.

Scootaloo: I think it was the funniest and greatest thing in the world. (sheepish) After Sweetie Belle and Rainbow Dash, of course.

Apple Bloom: I didn't think it had to be that violent to be amusing. But I think it was alright considering.

Fluttershy: I came into this episode thinking it would upset me since it pretty much deals in death. I found it silly and comical to the point of foolishness. The deaths were impossible to pull off and stupidity is pretty much what it runs off of.  I look forward to the next four.

Derpy: It isn't my favorite episode of the series, because of the elevator deaths that are similar to Final Destination 2. But it was a good refresher into the series. I haven't seen this in awhile.

Twilight: What's Final Destination 2?

Derpy and Harrison: A horror movie that kinda sucks!

Twilight: (rolls her eyes) That tells me nothing about it.

Derpy: These humans survive a violent tragedy thanks to a premonition one of them gets and ultimately advert that tragedy. Then they realize that Death wants them dead, and the survivors end up dying one by one. There have never been survivors in any of the movies, and if it appears that there are, then the next one quickly disproves of that. I have seen better movies over the years.

Twilight: It seems to be a human movie.... how are you getting that here though? I didn't think our reception picked up things like that.

Derpy: We don't... that is why I was worried about it being a problem. The last thing I need is the government involved. Anyway, what's next on our schedule?

Harrison: This episode is yet another Lumpy episode...

AJ: Oh great! Please tell me he is improved a little from the last one.

Harrison: Nope! He is just as stupid here as the last one. It introduces some new and old characters including my personal favorite character in the entire series. Flaky! Who Fluttershy should take an immediate liking to as they both share MANY similarities. I think Flaky, given the context of the show is the most like Fluttershy. Shy, somewhat cowardly (no offense Fluttershy) and not nearly as brave. But if the circumstances call for it, she can be quite brave. Doesn't protect her though, but I still root for her.

Fluttershy: Oh goody!

Twilight: Is Sniffles in this episode?

Harrison: Surprisingly yes. I picked it because of Flaky... but Lumpy is a central character.

Derpy: Well don't leave us in suspense man! What is the episode called?

Harrison: It is a technical two-parter called Wrong Side of the Tracks.

Derpy: Right on! I love that episode!

Rarity: Can we take a break though? We have been sitting here for several hours and I would like to take care of a few things.

Dash: I could go a few more hours, but I really need to pee! I have to go flying as well so we might as well say I need to take a break too.

Twilight: I hope you won't take too long. There is still so much I would like to do to you!

Dash: There is that... just don't prescribe anything that isn't cool or tastes weird.

Twilight: (smirk) Don't worry. What I have in mind can cause addictions if not dosed out by a proper medical professional. It should be your favorite Dashie.

AJ: The farming needs to be done as well. I have to kick the shit out of something to get all this pent up energy out of my system.

Harrison: All right, all right, you don't all have to provide excuses. Just go and do your various errands. I will just stay here.

Derpy: I have nothing that I need to get done. At least for a little while. Can I stay too? I am really into just what kind of games you have. Seems you have something called Cave Derpy. Sounds intriguing.

Scootaloo: I don't want to leave either! Plus, I kinda want to be held right now.

Sweetie: Scoots, I can do that for you. You don't need him to get you off.

Harrison: If you two can stop acting like a married couple for five minutes, I will play something for you two. I love you both, but you got to stop arguing. Last thing I need on my conscious is to be the one responsible for Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle breaking up.

Derpy: My roomie isn't expecting me back for quite awhile. She has a break from tour right now and knows that I wanted to participate in the show. You guys are alright. Why don't you play Cave Derpy as that sounds kind of fun.

(It is at this point, that we realize Fluttershy is still in the room. She has a calm smile on her face as she apparently had been waiting for a pause in the conversation. She trots over and puts her hooves in my lap)

Fluttershy: If it isn't too much trouble, and you aren't busy... Can I please have some more apples?

To Be Continued...

*Cue My Little Pony Credits theme*