Because the Universe Hates Us

by Oberstleutnant Edwards

Going From One Hell...

Load Full StoryNext Chapter

"There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but, boys, it is all Hell."

  • William Tecumseh Sherman

Welcome.

For those of you reading this you've decided that you want to-

A. View this Fimfic.

or

B. Buy an Italian chicken coop.

For those of you who are here for reason A, please continue.

For those here for reason B....

please continue.

Wait...

Um.

What?

Hold on a second. (sounds of pages being flipped can be heard in the background.)

*The author mutters quietly to himself, blissfully unaware the mic is still on.*

OK so the intro is here followed by some cheap gags that will probably get a down vote. Next comes the exploding bacon flavored cigars that say 'help me! I'm not an approved psychiatrist.' and lastly the audience will be pulled back in at the last minute by a classic gag that will cause some people to say something like "I peed so hard I cried because that was just too damn funny."...

or something like that.

Oh wait I forgo..... *Author notices the mic is still on.* ... about the... oh... well then... this complicates things...

Sooooooo.........

Um...

Well this is awkward...

Well folks I- JOHNNY ROLL THE CLIP!

Youtube Video

          Well now that you're somewhat entertained let's get back on track. As I stated previously those of you here for the fic, you are welcome to stay and enjoy yourselves. That's right take a load off.

Wait!

I said take a load off not rub a load out!

This is what happens when we invite cows to our keg parties.

Anyway

Those here for the Italian chicken coop, well...

Apparently Canada is a seller of fine Italian chicken coops.

But enough about that. Those of you here for the Fimfic are probably wondering "Who is this psycho and who is reading this already failing Fimfic?" Well the answer to that is simple, but not that simple. The psycho is the fat shit behind the computer (Did he really just say that?!)  and the one reading is one of the main characters. One of the main characters is, well, myself, David Fernandez. I'm an average guy, brown hair, brown eyes, and I'm about 5'11". I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either. I guess you could say I've got a little muscle, but nothing too extreme like a body builder. I'm a Latino-American, mostly American, who is currently serving in the army. I'm not in one of the most popular jobs like the army Rangers or infantry or what have you. I'm in the Artillery division, the 27th to be exact.

I also have a friend I met while it this division. He's a-

Hey dood.

Oh hey here he is now.

Um. Who are you talking to?

This camera. *David lightly tapped on the top of the camcorder*

You're talking to inanimate objects now?

What? No. I was recording for a few different reasons, but there's one reason in particular that I believe you remember as to why I'm doing this.

And what reason is that?

Don't you remember what today is?

If I could remember what you were talking about I wouldn't be asking now would I?

I guess not... But you gotta remember what happened a year ago today. Right?

What is it I'm supposed to remember? The day you figured out that the toilet isn't where you store frozen food?

Hey! You said you wouldn't bring that up. Also, in my defense, I was drunk off my ass that night.

After two shots of Jägermeister? Come on dude. That's sad even for you.

Yeah, yeah, but in all seriousness you don't remember what happened a year ago today?

Nope.

It's been exactly one year since we left Equestria.

One year since we lef.... Oh! Now I remember. You remember their faces when we left?

Yeah dude. They looked crushed and to be honest I kinda miss them.

Yeah I know what ya mean. They kinda grow on ya. I mean at first it was more like 'stay away because elephants are contagious' but now it's like 'Don't stand too close to that tree because elves are made of cheese'.

Um... what?

Hm? You say something?

Uhhh.... never mind. Just get in front of the camera and give a brief intro about yourself.

Ok. Uh.... Well there's not much to say about me really. I'm Nicholas Österreicher, but my friends call me Nick. I know weird name right? Well it's German. My grandpa was in the German Afrika Korps under the command of Erwin Rommel, the Desert Fox. He and about 200,000 other Germans were taken prisoner during the battle of Tunisia. After the war he became an American citizen, having to dodge a lot of hate and criticisms along the way. Eventually he found an American woman and settled down and started a family.

Is there a reason you're telling you're Grandpa's life story?

I'm getting there just be patient. Well as all things go through a life cycle kids are born and grow up and then they eventually have kids and that's where I come into the picture. I've already told you my name, but not a whole lot about me personally. I'm 22 years old with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm 6ft tall and am very proud of my German heritage despite the insinuated Nazism.

What do you mean by 'insinuated Nazism'?

Well people think I'm for Nazism and I love Hitler and what not because of who my grandpa is.

That's not your fault. You can't help that.

I'd rather not talk about this now. It might start one of those heated debates of [Nazism: Bad, Evil or Meh?]

Well ok then...

Here, just put this dvd in the player.

Why?

Discord gave it to me as a parting gift. It shows everything we did from our arrival to our departure from Equestria.

Really? Wow. Well that was nice of him.

Yeah well get to playing it.

Ok ma'am I'll get right on it.

Oh piss off you wanker.

Shh... It's starting.

You suck ba-

The following has not been approved by The Motion Picture Association of America. Viewer discretion is advised, unless you're Discord.

Because The Universe Hates Us.

Location: Northern Afghanistan.

Date: August 6, 2013

Current Mission: Don't die of boredom.

P.O.V. Nick

"Ugh. God I hate it when we don't do anything." Hansen said as he curled up on his cot.

"You get used to it Hansen." I said as I fiddled with my Ka-bar.

"You new guys are so eager to go and do something. Just sit back and chill dude." David said as he lazily tossed his dog tags in the the air only to catch them once more.

"I just wanna do something. Sitting idle is nerve wracking." Hansen sat up on his bed moving his feet to the floor.

"Listen." I started "When you've been here as long as we have, you tend to learn to be thankful for any free time you get." I didn't even bother to look at Hansen.

"You know what? I'm gonna go play some hoops with the fellas." Hansen said making his way to the end of the room.

"Bye" I waved

"See ya dude" David only nodded as Hansen left.

"Man am I glad he left." I said leaning back on my cot.

"Yeah that dude was a total douche." He said not even caring to look at me.

*Huff* "Yeah" I looked over to my right to the not-so-great outdoors. "Oh shit."

"What?" David's curiosity had been spiked.

"Look who's coming. It's our famous delivery man "Jizzy Jones" with a box on a hand-truck. You wonder who it's for?"

"Nah, not really." David returned to doing his favorite activity: Performing the sacred act of being a piece of shit and doing not a damn thing.

Now you're probably wondering why we call him "Jizzy Jones" right? Well as it so happens our great postman had an accident a few months ago. You see he had some early morning deliveries and he had some packages that he needed to deliver to the female barracks. Well our post master of fuck ups also in his early morning habit drinks coffee with lots of creamer. You see where this is headed? No? Well open your friggin' eyes and you might see something. Anyway, some of said creamer spilled onto one of the packages that a certain woman that can't stand Jones was supposed to receive. Needless to say that there was some hell raised in the female barracks that morning.

But I digress...

"Yo Jones! Who's that big ass package for?" I yelled to the oncoming post master.

"It's for you ya big dope." He yelled back.

"It's about time I got something. I swear you're holdin' out on my ass" He wheeled it right up next to my cot.

"Dude for the last time. I'm not running a mail syndicate behind the army's back." He groaned.

"Whatever you say, but I still think you're lying." I moved over so I was practically looming over my package.

A very unenthusiastic "Yeah" escaped his mouth before he asked "If you'll sign here then that package is all yours."

"Still think you're holdin' out on me." I mumbled as I gave my John Hancock.

"There you go. She's all yours." Jones said as he walked away with only his hand-truck and clipboard in his possession

"What's in the package?" David asked finally deciding to look up.

"Well, I haven't opened it yet so I don't know." I said as I cut the tape off the box with my Ka-bar. Once the tape was removed I lifted the flaps to find an array of items, but the thing that caught my attention was the decorated piece of paper rolled up on top and wrapped with a seal. I picked it up and began reading it. I'll save you the details, but it was a letter of inheritance from my late Grandfather. Apparently he died 2 weeks ago and the package was just arriving now, customs and all that jazz.

"What's in the package dude?" David said as he rose from his cot.

"It's... it's a... it's a package from... from my grandpa." I was a little shook up. Well wouldn't you be if you found out your relative died and you didn't get to see them pass on? It's not because I like to watch people die, but more so because I cared for my grandpa very much.

"How's he doing?" David said walking over.

"He's...... dead." I said rolling the letter back up.

"Oh..... damn. Sorry for your loss dude." He sat down on the cot right beside me.

"It's fine. At least he's in a better place now."

"What did you get?" David leaned over the box and scanned the contents.

"I don't know." I leaned over the box and began sorting through it. "Aw sweet!" David only sat and watched as I began going through the contents. The first thing I came across (excluding the letter of inheritance) was another note with a somewhat detailed list of the contents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Possessions of Gustav Österreicher to be given to Nicholas Österreicher.

(Package includes)

(End of Package list)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wow this is a lot of stuff." I scanned the list 3 more time before I set the note on the cot behind me.

"What's in it?" David asked as he picked up the list.

"It's some stuff my grandpa saved from his days as a soldier."

"........... Your grandpa was a nazi?"

"Nope. He was a German soldier during World War 2."

"Isn't that the same thing?" David asked as he crossed his arms.

"Not necessarily." I was taking stuff out of the box.

"Ok?" David scratched his head.

"Let's put it this way. He was a true German, but not a Nazi. If the the Nazis hadn't come to power, but the war still broke out, he'd fight anyway."

"Basically he's a patriot, not a Nazi Fascist bitch."

"Right." I pointed at David. David looked out the window to his left for about a good 7 minutes before he turned back to me. "Hey dude what are...." He saw me throwing the box away. "Where's the stuff at dude?"

I pointed at my rucksack propped up against the wall next to my cot. It looked something like this.

"It's in there?"

"Yup. All of it."

"All of it? Even the crate of grenades and the 2 guns?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just curious."

"Meh. There were some of his awards that were in there that weren't listed."

"What were they?"

"He got..." Suddenly Lancaster ran in.

"Hey fellas. Come on we gotta move. Suit up and meet me by the motor pool."

"What's the occasion?" I asked.

"We finally got a lead on the location of the guy we've been chasing for months."

"Oh that guy? What was his name again? Abdul-Kareem?" I asked crossing my arms.

"Yeah well we've got some intel on his location and we're needed to soften up their defenses. Intel says these guys are really dug in."

I looked over to David. "Looks like we gotta bring the rain."

He replied. "More like fire and brimstone." David and I rose from the cot and made our way to the armory to get suited up with standard infantry gear. After suiting up we met Lancaster and a few others, including Hansen, at the motor pool. I noticed that our "lucky lotto" artillery or the M777A2 that was hooked to the back of the Humvee. For those who don't know what it looks like. Try this.

"Shotgun!" I yelled taking off for the passenger seat.

"Bullshit! I always ride in the back. You're riding in the back this time bitch."

"First come, first to get this seat bitch!" I climbed into the passenger seat, turned around and flipped David off who returned the gesture.  I slapped the manifold. "Let's get this shit moving!" and so it did. No sooner than the words had left my mouth the convoy began moving through the gates and down the make-shift path to our destination.

I'll spare you the long and drug-out trip details.

Needless to say that we took our sweet ass time getting to our destination, but we arrived nevertheless. After exiting our Humvees we began setting up our equipment. I was working with the radio, David was unloading shell crates and our personal noob Hansen was setting up the M777A2.

Now for those of you who know what "Murphy's Law" is, Congratulations! You're an educated person! If not, don't fret. It just means you're not that cultured. Also, Murphy's Law states : Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Why does that apply this situation? Well if you have a noob with an expensive piece of equipment then that pretty much speaks for itself. Why you ask? Well the M777A2 started to tilt forward and began rolling down the hill we were on. The sound of small rocks and dirt could be heard as the Howitzer began its long and treacherous journey to the town across the sands.

"Uh....  Österreicher?" Hansen asked nervously.

"Not now dude. I'm trying to set up the troop-net. Get someone else." I waved him off.

"I really think you should see this." Hansen said with the utmost urgency.

"I'm a little busy at the moment." I, again, waved him off.

"But this is serious." Hansen said practically begging at this point.

"ALRIGHT" I threw my arms up in the air. "Fine." I turned to look at Hansen. "What is i-......." Then I noticed the howitzer rolling away. "SHIT!" I immediately ran and grabbed my gear, mainly my M4A1, and I snagged David by his collar and forced him to tag along. We immediately went running down the hill after the M777A2 and as we ran by Hansen I yelled. "You had ONE JOB Hansen! ONE JOB! and you couldn't even do that right."

"I'm sorry!" He yelled to us.

"Yes you are!" I yelled back, running like hell.

After what felt like hours of running, even though it was really about 10 minutes, we finally caught up with the howitzer which was embedded in the wall of a house.

"Phew! We finally caught this damn thing."

Suddenly my ear piece made some noise as we walked up to the M777A2.

"Öste-*static*-her en-*static*-es are cl-*static* in on your sec-*static* r! Get out of there now."

I pressed the button on the side of my ear piece. "Come again?  I didn't catch that."

"I said. Enemies are closing in on your sector. Get out of there before they can bring the hammer down on you."

"Negative. David and I are holding this position until we can move this howitzer."

"Roger that. We've spotted about 30 insurgents headed your way."

"Confirmed and noted. We-" I heard a cracking sound behind me. As I turned around I noticed that the wall holding the howitzer in place was giving way. As it pushed through the house, the house collapsed in on itself, but before the howitzer could start another lengthy journey, the wall on the opposite side of the house collapsed and blocked it from making any farther progress, emphasis on farther.

I ran over the crumbled remains of the building and laid against the back side of the make-shift wall next to the howitzer, David following suit. No sooner than we hunkered down behind the wall, the insurgents came out of hiding and unleashed a torrent of bullets that sounded like a dump truck dropping a load of rocks into a deep hole filled with nothing but pop-its in the bottom.  I could see small chunks of rock flying over the wall. The noise of the bullets was almost deafening. Thinking quickly I swung my M4 up to the top of the wall being careful not to expose my self and began to fire back at the insurgents. The bang of the rifle filled my hearing as the shells were ejected from the rifle. Being careful as possible I moved my head up until I could see where I was firing. I immediately noticed 2 insurgents bleeding on the ground, one was already dead and the other was clutching his throat, blood pouring from the hole in his neck. I scanned the area to see another 3 insurgents charging our position. I immediately opened fire.

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

*Crack*

In only five shots I brought them all down, but I only killed two. The third, I hit in the shin and the side somewhere near the stomach and it only caused him to roll around in pain, bleeding furiously.

While we were shooting, an RPG shell sailed right over our position and exploded in the sand right behind the crushed house. Chunks of hardened earth and a flurry of sand came down on us. When the sand finally stopped coming down I, once again, moved into position. As soon as I crested the mound of rubble I was greeted by 6 insurgents, 4 holding ak-47s and the other 2 holding RPGs, all pointing at David and me. I was about to open fire, but I didn't. My curiosity became peaked when one of the men started pointing behind us. I slowly turned around to find about 7 more of them waiting with their weapons pointed a David and me.

"David."

"Yeah?" David was still oblivious to our situation.

"Drop your gun."

"What? Why?"

"Check behind you."

David turned around to see men that had us covered and uttered one phrase. "Shit"

Not wanting to piss these guys off, we slowly placed our guns on the ground and put our hand behind our heads. The men were about to move in for the kill, over my earpiece David and I were getting yelled at to get the fuck outta there and for some reason the sand was glowing a faint purple.

Wait...

Sand doesn't glow purple.

Sand doesn't glow at all really.

And since when does the sand turn into a whirlpool?

The men holding the guns on David and me were bugging out they scrambled to get away, dropping their weapons in the confusion. I guess they thought that we had some kind of weird powers or something. I grabbed my rifle off the ground and started to silently praise the almighty, but it was short lived when the glow that vanished a minute ago came back in force and this time it formed a dome. David and I started looking in every direction trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Suddenly there was a flash. When the light cleared there wasn't any proof that we had been there at all.

Meanwhile back on the hill...

"Österreicher. Fernandez. Come in."

"....."

"Österreicher. Fernandez. Report."

"....."

"Sir I can't raise them on the troop-net." Marshall said to Lancaster.

(Prolonged huff) "Shit. Send a report to the Colonel. Tell him that we've got 2 KIA."

Or so you'd think....

(To be Continued...)

Next Chapter