Because the Universe Hates Us

P.O.V. : Nick

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"Owwwwwww.......... My everything hurts." I said groggily rolling over in the sand.

"Oof. What the hell happened?" David said with a dry, raspy voice.

"I don't know dude. One minute we're fighting in the desert." I pushed myself up into a standing position. "The next we're...." I looked around. "Some-fucking-where." I began scratching the back of my head. "We're in some kind of forest. How the hell did we end up in the woods?"

"I haven't a clue." He replied sounding like an Englishman.

"Dude stop trying to act sophisticated."

"Kill joy." David stood up and brushed himself off. "So uh, what do we do now?"

"Well... First we should organize this pile of weapons. Then we should try to scout the area."

"What about setting up camp?"

"If we're somehow still in Afghanistan then we shouldn't stay in one position for too long."

"True." David leaned down and grabbed a couple of ak's and a RPG and began stacking them against the nearby tree. After we finished stacking the left over weapons we grabbed our M4's and went for a nature walk.

"Alright stay low and keep to the bushes."

"Right."

The sound of leaves rustling and grass being stepped on could be heard as we progressed though the thick foliage.

"Hey David."

"Yeah?"

"Have you noticed how.... cartoonish everything looks?"

"Now that you mention it. Nope."

"I just think that... Hey look at that!" I crouched in the nearby bushes.

"What?" David did the same, scanning the area.

"It looks like a house." I pointed to a small building across the stream.

"Oh hey there it is." He parted the bushes to see.

I took a good long look at the house in front of me. "That house looks just a tad weird. It looks like something from 10th century Europe like England or France or something."

"Are those thatched roofs?"

"Yup and it looks like the made a cobblestone street. The house walls look like they're made of clay or something."

"HOLY SHIT!" David hid behind the tree next to me.

"What?" I turned to him.

"That." He pointed to a bench across stream. It wasn't the bench so much as what was on it.

"What the fuck is that?"

I looked to find a.... Horse? Is it a pony? Something like that. Nevertheless we left our hiding spot and moved to the railing of a nearby bridge. Luckily for us the pony on the bench was facing the other way or we would have been spotted. We crouched by the railing and began walking to the other side only to stop about halfway to see a massive assemble of ponies in the midst of the buildings walking back and forth.

"Should we keep going?" David turned to me.

"Yeah, but carefully. Keep on your toes and stay quiet." We continued down the bridge and moved into some bushes.

"Roger that." He said mockingly, putting his hand to his ear piece

"And cut that radio bullshit." I waved my hand down in a chopping motion.

"Roger that." He gave me a thumbs up.

"You know what? Fuck it." I threw my arms in the air in frustration.

"Affirmative sir." He saluted.

"David is gay." We moved in the alleyway between some houses.

"Affirm.... " After he realized what I said. "Fuck you." He flipped me off.

"Well then how about shutin' up next time." We crouched in the alley behind some trash cans.

"Fine." David leaned forward. "Would ya look at them all."

"I know right. There's gotta be at least a hundred or so ponies here." I looked back and forth between the array of houses while also keeping hidden.

"I think it's safe to say that we're not in Afghanistan anymore."

"Which means it would be best to find out where we are without alerting the locals and we should go back to the forest and set up camp."

"Right"

We turned around to start back to our "Spawn Point" only to come face to face with a mound of pink fuzz and two big blue eyes. It also turns out that the mound is a loud and hyperactive speaker.

"Ooooooooooooh. What are you? I've never seen anything like you before. Are you a new creature? (insert exasperated gasp here) Are you completely new? As in new to Ponyville? Ooh! ooh! ooh! I have to throw you a party! Wait here while I go get my friends." The pink pony hopped away at speeds that almost made it seem like she teleported.

David and I exchanged glances before coming to a conclusion. "We need to get the hell outta here and fast." We said simultaneously.

We quickly moved to the edge of the alley. We looked left, we looked right, and then we made a run for it. We ran like a couple of retards as we crossed the bridge and back into the forest. Once we were inside brush to where we were concealed, we sprinted to our original spot.

No sooner than we had arrived  we began building barricades and fortifications out of the tree limbs and the other various things that were laying around. It took us mere minutes to assemble a barricade made of twigs, tree branches, and leaves. I patted David on the back. "Alright I'll take first watch. Last thing we want is more of those ponies showing up."

"What should I do?"

"Gather firewood and keep your eyes peeled for any sign of those ponies."

"Alright." David walked into the brush and virtually disappeared.

And so it began. Hours of waiting and watching and waiting and watching and waiting and watching and David returned and set a fire and then came more waiting and watching and waiting and watching and a pink pony hung upside down from the trees above us and waiting and wait....

Österreicher.exe is not responding.

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Österreicher.exe is working again, but may not function properly.

"Sweet Baby Jesus!" I backpedaled nearly colliding into the barrier we built.

"What?" David grabbed his rifle.

"It was that pink pony again."

"Where?"

"There!" I pointed to the branches above us only to find that the foliage was unoccupied by the pink monstrosity.

"Where?" David gave me a confused look while scanned the tree.

"She was just right there in the tree hanging like a monkey." I said holding my hand out. I kinda looked like I was asking for help because my leg was busted.

"Well she's not there now."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. I wa-..." Something caught my attention. I heard a voice. No wait, Voices! From what I heard it sounded like 2 ponies. I couldn't make out what they were saying from their current distance but I knew they were closing on us. "We need to move. Douse the fire and grab what you can."

"I'm on it." David grabbed his canteen and poured it onto the small fire he had lit. I began picking up rifles and RPGs.

What came next scared David and me nearly to death.

"Don't you two dare leave until I give you a party!"

I looked over to David who looked like he had just voided his bowels or for those of you who don't understand that, let me make it simple.

He looked like he shat himself.

We quickly scrambled to gather our gear and extra apparel and made a run for it. There was one problem though. That pink pony was back and blocking our escape route. "I told you that you're not leaving until I give you a party!"

"What's so important about this party?!" I asked

Her demeanor immediately switched from psycho to happy and she said. "Because I like to give all of my friends a party!"

"We're your friends? But we don't even know you." I said while David was tip-toeing past the mare.

She turned to David. "But you will! And yes your my friends and my other friends should be here any minute!"

David looked at me with the utmost urgency. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why either. They were close and closing on us. We tried running past the pink party pony only for her to block our every movement. Suddenly I saw an opening and was about to take it, but a voice from behind stopped me dead in my tracks.

"What is that?!"

David and I slowly turned around to see yet another pony. This pony was different. She had purple fur with a violet mane and a pink streak running down it, her tail matching her mane. I also noticed she had a violet star on her rump as well as a horn on her head.

She stood there gawking at David and me. I looked over to David who was also gawking. I motioned to him a quietly as possible and tried to usher him out of our current predicament, but the universe spits on our very existence because the pink one practically became a growth on David's side.

"You can't leave yet!" The pink one said wrapping her legs around David's sides like an octopus.

"Oh God! Get it off me. Help! Someone! It's eating my flesh!" David flailed like a madman.

"They can talk?! This is incredible! I've never seen anything like these creatures before." The purple one was almost gushing at this point, slapping hooves to her checks in an adorable fashion.

"Oh gawd no. Dude! shake her off and let's get the hell out of here!" Not that he heard me though.

"God, Jesus, Buddha, someone religious, help me! She gonna burn me and then eat my gizzard!" He yelled flailing, trying to remove the pink menace.

"Twilight! Hit them with a spell!" The pink one gave the purple one (aka Twilight) a pleading look.

"Ok. Give me a second." Her horn began to glow as she lowered it towards David.

I looked between her and David before I darted to David. It was as if time had slowed as I reached out to David, but I didn't grab him. Actually I spun him around so that the pink pony o' parties was in the line of fire. The beam fired from Twilight's horn and flew straight at the pink pony who was immediately impacted. She let David go and fell on the ground, out like a light.

When Twilight raised her head to see a knocked out David she was disappointed and a little shocked to say the least.

"Oh my goodness! Pinkie no!" Twilight recoiled in horror before running to her fallen friend. David in the meantime was running backwards from the duo, mainly because I had a hold on his collar, but before we could leave the clearing I felt David go limp in my grasp. I let go of his collar and turned around to see him unconscious on the ground. I looked up to see Twilight closing in on me.

It was finally time to face the facts.

Twilight's horn started to glow once more before she opened fire on me. She didn't even lower her head this time, probably to make sure she hit her mark.

'Why does that glow seem so familiar?' I squinted my eyes trying to focus on Twilight's horn. The beam hit me center mass and the next thing I knew everything went black.

Again.

God Damn it Nappa.