Some Pony Visits the Proctologist!

Equestria is a wondrous world filled with excitement, danger, and intrigue. A magnificent existence is the Equestrian one as it is brimming with marvels of a both scientific and magical nature. While this place is far different from one we are accustomed to, it shares so many similarities that we may take from it life lessons that shall persist throughout our minds for so long as we continue to thrive. Yet, beyond the scope of all that is good in this world, for all their majestic wonders and impressive technology they have yet to master some of the basic necessities. In Equestria, there is no toilet paper.

This is correct, as your average Equestrian being is a rather sizeable creature of immense weight and secretion that the manufacture of toilet paper would be cost prohibitive. However, it would be improper for those intelligent inhabitants to be reduced to a state no better than one of the lowly animals, and so a group of ponies did the unthinkable and sacrificed their lives to cleanse all of their unmentionable issues. This began the birth of the Equestrian Proctologist’s Guild. It is thanks to these unfortunate souls that not a bum in Equestria goes tainted, though everypony is left unable to sit for hours on end given that hooves are particularly large.

However, the guild received little financing due to their rather controversial nature and so the standards on who may join was not a test of ability but rather who was willing to shell out a few bits for membership. Needless to say, this attracted a rather unsavory sort. Still, at least it’s less painful than going to the dentist.

Now my papa always told me “Son, hand me the clicker.” But he also told me on several occasions “Son, you’re gonna be big some day. But first thing’s first, you gotta stop this faggot nonsense.” And that really struck me during my formative years. I mean, I didn’t stop, not completely, but I sure did manage to keep my so called “impulses” in check. How did I achieve this you may ask? Okay, you may not have asked that but I’m going to answer this anyways. I decided to pursue a career in proctology. Unfortunately, after I finally obtained my doctorate, I was turned down at my local practice because they heard that I had done terrible things to nearby waterfowls. I’d rather not go into it, but there’s a good reason why you always see ducklings walking close to their mother.

Given my misfortune, one may imagine to my surprise as to how elated I was to find that portals to a new land had opened all across the world! Finally, a place where I may not be judged by my cruelty to animals, but instead by the content of my character which in itself is cruel to all living creatures. So I ventured forth into one of these such portals, which was located in a public restroom, and entered a world of vibrant colors, including brown which I seemed to have stepped in. It was as I was cleaning my hoof upon a not as splattered section of grass that I realized I had hooves now. I found that I had entered a world of ponies. Oh goody!

I explored the world quite thoroughly, and noticed a great many things including winged horses, horses with horns, horses that can talk, and eggs. Regrettably, this place still had ducks which existed within it, but hey, nothing is perfect. Soon enough I found that there were two common places that the ponies all converged at, one of which happening to be a place run by some pink eccentric who frightened me to the core and the other being a local proctology practice. I was beyond gracious to have found such an establishment, and that they did not require the same standards of decency as those fools from Earth. I obtained a working position here and soon found myself as one of the chief proctologists, if only if because I was so very enthusiastic about my work.