Some Pony Visits the Proctologist!

From behind the attendant, a voice that had begun its melody only minutes before chimed “Next patient!” And the door next to the counter burst open exposing a stallion standing in the doorway clad in a physician’s uniform. “Who’s next?” Everypony shrunk and silence fell throughout the room, as though they were children in the presence of a bully. He walked close to the seats, past the pegasus who curled up and looked like little more than a pile of fluff. He came up to the door and span around and walked back, passing the pony with a glandular problem who stopped chewing and had stuffed his mouth with two cheeseburgers at the same time. Finally he stopped in front of one unicorn in particular, a unicorn who happened to be wearing glasses.

“Well now, what’s your name?” He said, turning to face the unicorn who had sunk into his seat.

“I'm just some pony.”

“Well, some pony, you wouldn’t happen to be next would you?”

The pony just nodded, eyes large and full of fright.

“Then go ahead and follow me, everything will be done quick as pie.”

The pony got on all four of his hooves and followed as the pony who led the two of them down a hallway and then into a small room. The space was mostly comprised of counters, shelves, and one large bed in the center of the room. There were two doors, one that most likely led into the bathroom and the other to the hallway. There was no escape.

“Alrighty, go ahead and drop your pants and we’ll get on with it.”

This must be exactly how Star Wars felt during the whole Disney incident. Knowing the inevitable, he turned around and went over to the bed, leaning over it. He then grabbed near his waist. The pony was shocked to find that he was already naked save for his glasses.

“Silly nerd, ponies don’t wear pants.” Said the pony behind him, who let out a yucking laugh. “Which makes my job all the more easy.” The pony heard the distinctive snap of latex against skin. Foolishly, he turned his head to see that the doctor was pouring a viscous, gel-like substance over his gloved hoof. Noticing the pony’s curious expression, he slowly came up behind him causing the nerd to stare forward. “Oh, no need to worry. This is more for me than it is for you.”

“Doc, I’m a little tense. Wouldn’t this be better if you stopped saying stuff like that?”

“Well then where’s the fun in that?”

The pony was perspiring bullets. Nothing gave him the slightest inkling that this was going to be easy or non-traumatic. “Alright. Well give me a signal when you’re goi- OH GOD!” Words need not be shared about what had just occurred.

“Huh, these quaaludes must be kicking in.” The pony was regretting his decision to get out of bed this day. It seems that whenever a sign from Celestia showed up, whether it be the sun or a letter, this was always the position he found himself in. If there was anything worse than the pain, it was the jokes.

“Alright, duck toy, three balloons, guatemalan child. I hope you weren’t planning on flying today.”

Oh heavens the jokes. It didn’t help the way he was squirming around. His usual guy wasn’t this unprofessional. Typically it was a mutually tense affair involving lots of looking the other direction and talking about the weather while avoiding the topic of rain. Then again, it would be a comfort to know that at least he’s being thorough. In fact, though there never was the genuine fear of rectal cancer, it was rather relaxing to know that should he have it, it will be caught early enough.

Finally the ordeal was over and the pony placed the used glove in a nearby refuse receptacle. That’s tech talk for trash can. The nerd then engaged his auditory communication ability, meaning that he spoke, to the pony. “Alright, so we’re all finished, doc?”

“Yes sir, any questions?”

“Everything’s fine, right? I don’t have ass cancer, right?”

The pony in the doctor’s coat turned around and stared at the patient in the eye with one eyebrow raised. “I don’t think you can fit an entire constellation in your ass, however roomy it may be.”

“No, I mean the other kind of cancer. Please doc, this is serious.”

“What other kind of cancer is there?”

It then dawned on the patient that in all the commotion, beyond the jokes, before he had even left home, he forgot to look at his notebook which clearly stated “There is no cancer in Equestria.” He would have slapped his hoof to his face had he not been in a proctologist’s office.

“Anyways, the doctor will be in with you soon.” And the pony left the room.

Oh good lord. The implication of those last words hit the patient with such immense force he found himself laying on the bed, void of expressing any emotion. Was that just some pony? Some pony who probably came in off the street, got treated, found a doctor’s coat, and started rooting around inside him? The patient felt violated, deceived. To think, it was bad enough he went here, only to find out that he had no real reason to, but he was also sodomized in the very place where he felt he could place trust in another person without the need for an intimate relationship.

He curled up on the bed, it was chilled from being unused significantly. It was a minor comfort, a comfort that did not diminish the pressing issue. He probably could recover from this, sure, heal up good as new. But what would he do from now on, check the credentials on every proctologist from here on out? Somepony is bound to become suspicious, and question what would make him so paranoid about that. And what if a topic related to this comes up when he’s talking with his friends or family? He shuddered at that concept, knowing that if that happened he may do something stupid like get emotional. Already he wanted the cry, desired to cry, desperately wanted his body to finally cry so that he could get it all through with. But his body denied him.

Just then that same pony in the doctor’s coat came back into the room. “Hey, you’re kinda lagging. You do know that was a joke, right? I was your doctor the whole time. We kinda need the room so if you’re all done here would you please leave?”

Oh. . . Well I guess everything is fine then. The End!