Chapters Dear Diary,
But I was sober enough to wish my friends a happy new year, especially Octy who asked me immediately if I had any new years resolutions I want to archive this year. To be honest, that was a bit hard for me to understand. I mean, is she telling me that I need to change? Why would I need any resolutions? As far as I’m concerned, I’m perfect the way I am! But nevermind, we still had a great time together with all the others. Though Fluttershy was totally herself and was more than just a bit scared by the loud fireworks, she stayed with us and didn’t try to hide under her bed like last year. Man, that was hilarious! Imagine a full grown pegasus trying to crawl under her bed. We almost weren’t able to pull her out because we just couldn’t stop laughing, her upper half was stuck under the bed and the rest of her still was visible. Oh god, I have to laugh again, I’ll never forget this scene!
Actually there isn’t much more to tell about the night, at least not much more that I can remember. I really should stop drinking. Or at least drink less. Maybe. But anyway, I woke up this morning without having a hangover, so I got that going for me which is nice. Octy already had some awesome breakfast prepared for us, so I just had to go down and I could start eating, that’s the way I like mornings to start. She told me something about how we went to bed, it seems like she had to carry me all the way home and just lay me into my bed, and of course I had nothing in mind but trying to pull her down under the blankets to make a ‘crossover’. I don’t know if that had happened that night, when I asked she just flushed and giggled, so I’m actually somehow sure she agreed to my idea. I just feel bad that I can’t remember anything of it…
Erm, what more happened today? After our breakfast we went back to Sweet Apple Acres and helped AJ to clean all the mess we created yesterday, or actually the mess I created, yeah. After this we went back home and since then nothing special happened, I guess. Octy wanted to clean the house a bit, and since I wouldn’t be a good help I decided to go to my room and start spinning a few records.
Alright then, I’ll catch you later!
Author's Note
Since the actual plot is through, I probably won't update the diary daily, I'll just write something every now and then, when I find some time or a good spur to do so.
Sup?
We are able to control everything in our life, directly or indirectly. We don't know what is going to happen if we go this way, nor do we what will come if we take another. We have to decide, right or left, and once we started walking there is no way back. Of course we can turn around and take the other way, but it will be too late for us to experience what had happened if we went there in the first place. We're always planning and calculating, but in the end it doesn't matter what we thought would happen. Life isn't planable, life doesn't stick to our dreams or rules. It's always about what really happened and what we make out of it. Everything that meets our way is an opportunity, we can take it and go on, or we can ignore it and take another path. The only thing that is certain, the only thing we know will happen, is our death. One day I will die, but there is no way I could know when it will happen, or why. I have no chance to know which way will grant me the most time before it is over.
But what is time in the first place? There isn't such a thing as the presence. The only temps existing are the future and the past. You can think of something right now, but actually it isn't right now. Imagine you're going to eat a sandwich. Every bite you take is either in the future, in this case the bite is still on the sandwich, or it's in the past, in your mouth or stomach. There is no in between. You think of something for a second, but actually you're already living in the next one, and your thought is nothing more than a memory. A memory that affects your next thought, though, but still a memory. You can catch moments with a camera, but actually a picture is nothing but a visual memory, framed and hanging on your wall. I admit, I'm not good in explaining things like that, but I hope you got the idea. But these are the things that rush through my mind some nights. These are the things I think about sometimes for days once they set down in my brain. I don't usually talk about these thoughts, not even to Octy. Why? I don't know. I just have the feeling that these things are too personal, too intimate to share with anypony, even too personal to share with Octy. But actually they aren't personal at all, I mean it's nothing concerning me in particular. But sometimes there are things concerning me, giving me an actual reason to not talk about them.
Like Nick and Ruben. Of course, I talked to Octy about them a lot, but there are still some things I probably won't tell anypony ever. For example, the fact that I somehow feel... sorry for Nick. He is crazy and deserves spending his remaining days in prison, but after all he somehow did everything he did for me, if it's true what he said. This pony threw everything he had away, just to grant me the life he thought I deserved. So was he really bad? Was he evil? Or did he just have another perception of what is right and what is wrong to get a pony to like him, and to spend his days with her? Is there even such a thing as good and evil?
I mean, imagine there is something like a parallel universe. In our universe ponies are told that things like murder, torture and horsenapping are bad. But what if you'd tell the ponies in this parallel universe that these things are actually not this bad? Would they kill one another just because they don't realize what murder means? When i think about this I often come up with the idea for an experiment. Imagine you have two young ponies, infants, and both have the Tourette's syndrome. Both don't know any words, both can't talk. Now you raise them parted. You raise one like you'd do normally, but the other one is taught that words like love and hope are really bad words you mustn't use, and any insults are actually nice words and compliments. Now if they have an attack of the syndrome, the one pony may shout words that are decided to be bad, but what will the other pony do? Will he or she shout the same words, or will he/she shout words like love and hope? How would this ethnic shift affect their illness? I know that this is a serious disease and I don't want to make fun of it or make it look like a joke, I'm serious about this. If you raise one baby with the exact opposite ethnics as the rest of the ponies, how would it's life be? Would it, once it's an adult, have any scruple? And if yes, in which way? I mean, if a pony thinks murder isn't a bad thing and insulting somepony else is alright, but offering a seat to an old lady is really bad, would he or she still do it, seeing that everypony else does it? Would he or she stop insulting and murdering if told that these things are actually bad? Would the urge to be common, to be like anypony else, be enough to turn this pony around and make it an 'ordinary' pony?
Of course it always says it's good to be different, but how much different is takeable? Everypony has his own opinion towards good and evil, but in the end we all agree on most things. Teenies for example often use little insults at one another, in their usual talking or their greetings, things like 'Sup, bucker?'. For them it's okay to say that, but for the older generations it's not. If I would talk to Granny Smith like I talk to Octy, she probably wouldn't like me very much. Not because I'm rude, but because in my generation there are other standards in our language. I'd never use slang towards an elderly pony, that would just be disrespectful, but I do use it when I'm around my same-aged friends. Our social surroundings have a huge influence on our behavior towards others. But on the other hoof we're always able to adjust our behavior to the ponies we're with. It's not just a question of age and respect, it's also a question of knowing and not knowing. If I'd meet a pony I never met before and she's my age, I wouldn't talk to her like I would to Applejack. I'd be much more polite and calm than I would be if I'd know her.
Man, all these thoughts are killing my mind. Why has his world to be so confusing?
Hey, diary.
Here we are again. It's 3:30am by now, and again I can't sleep. What's going on? Since days I wasn't able to fall asleep at a proper time , I'm always awake till almost 6 or 7am. Again, it's not that I'm not tired, I just can't sleep. I don't know. I wake up at the same time as always, I just fall asleep a lot later. Of course, this time usually isn't a big deal for me as I'm often still in the club, spinning records, but when I'm at home like the last few days I usually don't stay awake this long. In a few days I'll have to work again, maybe my sleep will normalize then. And what do I do all the hours I'm lying in my bed, trying to finally fall asleep? Thinking. I never thought I could be that kind of pony, but the past days, actually since the happenings in the bunker, I'm much more thoughtful than ever before. Most of the time I just think about all the stuff I already reported to you, but then there are others things, too. Octy, for example. We spent a lot of time together since we're a couple, of course, but I slowly get the feeling that our relationship is different from any relationship I ever had by now. Not in the bad way, I mean that as a good thing. Octy is the first pony of which I really start to think of not just as my marefriend, but as... more. Of course it's way too early to propose to her or something like that, but I catch myself sometimes imagining how we could be a real little family. Isn't that just... weird?
What's wrong with me? When did I evolve to the emotional pony I seem to be at the moment? I'm DJ-P0n3, I'm awesome, loud, cool and I don't show my feelings to anypony! Well, I used to be. Somehow I start to be somepony else... maybe I start to be actually me? I hid behind my DJ image so long, I think I just forgot about how to be Vinyl Scratch. And Octy is able to show me how to be myself again, how to break through the wall I built up inside my mind and how to get my real me back to the surface. Seeing this written down is weird, I start feeling like I'm schizophrenic. But even if I am, so what? Octy seems to be the 'cure' for it, and I don't plan to leave her, so I'll be alright. Yeah, planning to leave her is like the least thing to do for me. I mean, I just admitted I think about us as a real family.
Coming back to his thought, is this even possible? In my opinion, a family consists of two certain things: A married couple, no matter which genders the two ponies have, and a son or a daughter. And these are two things I'm not sure about how our chances are to accomplish them. Are same-sex marriages allowed in Equestria? I never heard about an actual married couple of mares or colts. Of course, I know a few mares and colts being in same-sex relationships, but I never heard someone say 'Hey we're going to marry, wanna join the celebration?' And even if they're legal, would we find somepony to wed us? I don't know anypony who could do this, but I heard that a lot of them are quite uptight and bourgeois. What if we'd be the first couple to take this step? Would we get the honor of Celestia herself wedding us as a shout-out that our style of living is alright and nopony should be offended by it? Man, that would be awesome.
And again, I can't recognize myself in these words. That's so kitschy, talking about a wedding and stuff! It's stuff I would expect Octy to say. But it's not her, it's me. How is this possible? Anyway, first I'll come to the next point of the family thing: Having a foal. I know, for us it's not possible to have children together, I'm totally aware of that. But there are things such as adoption. I'm not sure how we could be able to do that. After all, who'd give an infant pony to a lesbian couple? Most of the ponies are just to intolerant and think of us as weird and deviant. Of course we're different, but why is it so common to think that different is the same thing as strange? Who said that homosexual couples are a bad influence to a young pony? I won't say every fillyfooler and every coltcuddler is a nice and trustworthy pony, but neither is every straight one. In every group there are nice and less nice ponies, you can't just pick one bad apple and project his attitude on every other pony in this group.
I think that's not just restricted to ponies, though. For example, everypony, and I mean like every pony, thinks of changelings as bad and evil. I don't. I'm sure there are nice changelings out there, who just don't have any other choice than doing what they do. After all, they need to suck love out of ponies to survive, and so they need to copy ponies to get near others and devour their love. But that doesn't make them evil. They just do what they need to do to stay alive. Of course, the attack on Canterlot was a big thing, but after all Queen Chrysalis just wanted to make sure her subjects won't starve. I won't make her a victim now, she definitely is evil, not because of being the queen of the changelings, but because of the level she put their behavior. This wasn't staying alive, this was war. But not every changeling is like their queen, not even every changeling who fought in Canterlot. It's like in every war. Neither you like your commands or not, you have to try to fulfill the task your leader has set. So the changelings attacked Canterlot, though I'm sure many of them actually didn't want to.
But even if all of them did, we can't infer on every changeling in existence because of this. The changelings in Canterlot were soldiers, but I don't think every changeling is a soldier. I refuse to think that there aren't any changelings just like us, living a life similar to ours. I'm sure there are changelings out there who hate to fight who'd never hurt any of their congeners or even a pony, at least not more than they have to stay alive. I believe there is good in every creature, no matter what kind of.
Oh man, where are my thoughts going? I started with marriage and now I'm here, talking about the good and evil inside changelings. I definitely should go to sleep.
Hayo, Diary!
I think it's time to get back to reporting my day to you, not telling you my weird thoughts about... well, everything. Though I actually hate myself for having them, it's somehow important to me to share them with somepony from time to time. Or, with somebook. They sometimes feel like mind cancer. Whatever, I wanted to talk about my day, and I'll do it now!
Today was a good day. I woke up with Octy by my side, she must have snucked into my bed at night sometime without me noticing it. We cuddled a bit before getting up, but of course we couldn't stay in bed the entire day. Well, I could, but Octy wanted to get up after about half an hour, so I accompanied her to the kitchen were we made breakfast. Nothing special, just a little salad. After we ate it, we went out for a walk in the morning sun. It was overwhelming, I usually don't get out there this early, and it was great, hearing all the singing birds and so on. Nature stuff, you know. It kinda surprised me to hear any birds at all, but this winter isn't a real winter, it's still quite warm and it didn't even snow yet, and it probably won't either. Don't know what these pegasi do all day, usually they bring us loads of snow clouds as soon as the last leafs fall off the trees. But anyway, the time outside with Octy was awesome. It was nice to have some time just for us two, though we were outside, nopony bothered us with anything. I mean, if we had met some of our friends, I wouldn't be mad about it, but spending time alone with Octy outside is a nice thing to do. Though she still is a bit careful about her behavior in public, she seems to get a bit more relaxed every time we're out. I think she'll even soon be ready to talk about our relationship to others, maybe not her parents, but every step she takes into this direction is good, and I feel better the more open she deals with this topic. After all, I'm the first mare who gets her to not hide everything from strangers! I'm a bit proud of that, yeah.
After we got back home again, she wanted to practice a bit with her cello, and as I hadn't had to do anything, I followed her into the living room and listened to her. She's totally awesome. It's like there is another mare, every time she plays her cello. Though she isn't the loud type, she manages to get even calmer when she starts playing. She's totally chilled, quite and more concentrated than I could ever be. And the expression on her face! It's not her usual nice, friendly and happy face, mostly half smiling, no matter what's going on, she has this extremely serious expression I only know from Princess Celestia when she's dealing with some serious business, for example when she caught me in the forest just before we attacked the bunker. Okay, maybe not this extremely serious. But still pretty motionless. Almost like carved into stone. Anyway, no matter how she looks while playing, her music is overwhelming. And if even I say that about music like hers, it means it really is awesome. You know, I'm usually not the biggest fan of classical music, but we already talked about that. But her music is more than just the lame norm, it's special. She manages to bring a side into the songs I never expected in them. Man I could talk about this for hours! Of course, wubs are still more awesome, but I start to really like what she makes. I just don't know if I really enjoy the music, or if I just love to watch her playing it, seeing how happy she is every time she gets to play for me. I think, somehow my applause means a lot more to her than the applause she normally gets after a concert. That may sound a bit overpraised, but I think it's really this way. In a concert, she plays for the crowd, she plays to earn money. But here, at home, she plays for fun, she plays for me, and seeing me cheering for her and soaking up every sound she makes, hearing my compliments and just making me happy with her music, 'cause that's after all what she does, is way more than just practicing for a concert, it's like she gives a personal concert, just for me. And I know that she puts way more effort into these personal concerts than into the usual ones. I can see it, and of course I can hear it. That doesn't means she makes mistakes or something like that when she plays in front of a bigger crowd, she still is a perfect artist, but when we're alone it feels so much more intense, so much more lovely... and it's just for me. Nopony is there to hear the awesomeness coming out of her instrument, just little Vinyl. And you know what? Little Vinyl couldn't ask for more.
After she finished practicing we actually didn't do anything special the whole day. Just lunch and dinner, hanging out in front of the TV and getting to bed quite early where we're right now. Of course we didn't want to sleep right away. We're in a relationship, after all.
We should get out and look for a hobby. Seeing my whole day written down seems a bit lame to me, I mean what did we actually do today? But looking for a hobby sounds hard... maybe we'll do it tomorrow. Now I have to get off this book, I'm sorry, but there is this beautiful mare next to me who deserves all of my attention.
Cya!
So we meet again!
Today I'd like to talk to you about my anger. I know, that's maybe not the theme you'd like to hear about, but after all Octy gave you to me to help me with this topic, so there's no way out for you. But I have to say: Writing my day down somehow helps me. It calms me down every time I have to sit down and start writing, and to be honest, I actually enjoy it now. At first it was just a thing I did for Octy, to make her happy and all, but now I really like what I do, and I don't want to stop it. Of course I don't feel a big change in my behavior by now, but the time will bring more and more, I'm sure about that. I mean, I only keep you for a few weeks now, but still I realize that you help me. Though I still get a bit angry now and then, like last night when this weird guy who was completely wasted thought he could start a fight with me. Actually with Octy, but you know how it goes: If you fight her, you'll fight me, she can't defend herself against a full grown stallion, and she doesn't has to, since she's the 'lady' part of our relationship, and I'm somehow the defending and more 'coltly' part. That sounds weird, but it's true. However, this guy started offending her and stuff, so I just stepped between the two of them and was like 'Dude, you better go home now.', but you know how it is with all those drunk ponies: Never polite and they never obey! Of course I didn't want to start a fight right away, not as long as Octy was with me, but he instantly reached out for a punch. Yeah, that was the moment my vision turned red. Not because he wanted to throw his hooves on us, but because he wanted to punch Octy ! How could he try to hurt her when I'm the one who told him to buck off? So yeah, I pushed Octy away from him and maybe I hit him one or two times. And I maybe kicked his ass like he was a little foal. He maybe even blacked out. But what could you do? Nopony takes hoof onto my Octy, not as long as I'm near her! Well, if I'm not near, too, but then I can't help her, I could just take revenge. Oooh, sweet revenge.
Like his one time, when some colts manipulated my turntable in the club before I was there. My performance was a piece of horseapples, but I managed to find out who was responsible for this, and I found them. I won't describe it too detailed now, but let me say they won't do something like that ever again. Don't think bad of me, they're alright by now, they had nothing serious. And I heard their therapy is going well so far. Getting your ass kicked by a mare isn’t something you forget all too easy, not even if this mare is Vinyl Scratch. Especially when she kicks multiple asses at a time.
Maybe Octy is right and I do have a problem with releasing my anger. But as I said, writing helps me with it. It’s still not as satisfying as roughing up somepony who deserves it, but it’s alright. I still wouldn’t dodge a fight if I have a good reason for it, but who knows? Maybe that’ll come. I hope so. Though I don’t think it’s wrong to teach somepony a lesson if he clearly needs it, I think that could become a problem sometimes. I mean, I don’t want to turn into a raging slapmachine when Octy is around. That one time in the club was enough for her to see. Though I helped her in this situation, she didn’t like it. Not at all. And I understand her. She isn’t used to the rough dealings in a club, and I actually don’t want her to get so. After all she is from Canterlot, and she knows the classy side of life, like her concerts where nopony ever would get drunk or start a fight. Bringing all the trouble I undergo every night I’m at a club to her would just be too much for her to take. What if she would break up with me? No, I couldn’t take that, I mustn’t make that happen. Though she accompanies me more often to a club since we’re together and surely will do it even more frequent the longer our relationship is extant, I have to keep an eye open so she doesn’t get herself into trouble. Even if that means we have to leave early, I would totally do that if that’s what I need to do to stay with her.
I love my job, I love the clubs, I love the loud noises and the crowd, but all that is nothing compared to what Octy means to me. No matter what my cutie mark is telling me, if she’d want me to find another job and stay away from the trouble a disco brings with it, I’d do it without thinking about it. But of course she’d never do that. Just sayin’, I would, to make her happy.
Oh man, what is happening to me? Where is the Vinyl Scratch who doesn’t care about what anypony is thinking? I never thought I could make this much of a change, just because of a relationship. But I’m not even mad, actually I’m rather happy Octy has this much influence on me. Maybe I shouldn’t be, after all she fell in love with the rude, loud-mouthed DJ, not with the emotional and thoughtful pony I’m becoming.
What should I do?
Hello my friend,
Because today is Hearts and Hooves Day!
So yeah, we had a bath. An awesome bath, by the way. I mean, we see each other naked all the time since we don't usually wear cloths, but this was a bit more intimate than just seeing each other. Naah I'm loosing the topic again...
After our bath we went for a walk, a thing we haven't done for a while. It's the same every time: She wants to go outside and almost has to force me to go with her since I actually hate this, I mean, just walking around next to each other. Wow, great. But once we're outside, I actually love it. The sun on my coat, the fresh air, the singing of the birds and the greening trees... Once I'm there I could spend the whole day in the nature. But getting me there isn't an easy task, not even for myself. Though I know I'll like it and feel better when I'm away from the same everything back in our house. But that's just the way I am, I can't change that, now can I? But even if, why should I? I hear so much about ponies saying how much they've changed since they're in a relationship, but in my eyes this is bullshit. I mean, Octy fell in love with me the way I was when she fell in love with me, why should I change and become a pony she might not like this much? I know this example of changing isn't the best to describe what I'm meaning, but it will do the job.
Ehrm, what next? There wasn't much more today, I guess. After our walk, we just chilled a bit, I listened to her playing on her Cello, and in the evening we went to a restaurant to eat dinner. Jeez, this was expensive, I can tell you! But it was totally worth it. I haven't seen Octy happy like this for a long time. And she just looked stunning in this dress she wore! One of Raritys' very own creations, absolutely gorgeous!
And now we're here, lying together in her bed, and I'm writing this entry. It's a shame you don't have eyes, you should see her! She's clearly exhausted, but she still tries to stay awake until I finish here. Maybe I should take a bit longer than needed... Nah, that wouldn't be fair. Though I really enjoy this moment with her, just lying on my back, idle playing with my mane. We had an awesome day together, but in the end it's the little things we enjoy the most.
Hey, it's me again.
Actually this isn't a big deal, I often stay at the club I was working in after my performance, and Octy is totally cool with this. But today I told her I'd be back early, so she started worrying where I could be. She's just too good for this world. I mean, she was in the middle of cooking and just left everything behind to go take a look where I might be! And here's the tricky part: Knowing where I've been playing this night, she showed up there to see if I was still there. So she went to the bartender and asked around if anypony had seen me, and of course they had, I mean if a DJ like me is in the house the folks will know about it. The bartender sent her into the VIP-Lounge where I was still drinking with this random guy, but somehow all the alcohol may have caused me to accidentally let him kiss me, right when Octy entered the room.
At this point, when Octy just stood there, staring at me and this guy whose name I can't even remember, it was like I sobered up in no time. Suddenly I realized what I was doing there, I realized that Octy saw it, and I realized that this was bad. Very bad. I mean, the fact that I lost control was bad enough and I'd hate me for it even if Octy wouldn't know about it, but now that she saw it... I don't know how to describe this feeling. Looking in the eyes of your love while kissing somepony else, even from another gender. That was the moment I could see her heart break into tiny pieces. And I hate myself for it, more than I could ever hate any other pony.
I never said I'd be full lesbian, but I have been with Octy long enough that she thought I would be, even long enough for me to think it. And now? Now I'm sitting here alone, and I feel like I can't get the taste of this guy out of my mouth. Maybe it's a bit overstated, but I feel so dirty, I even tried cleaning my mouth with soap.
Of course I wanted to apology, I wanted to explain everything, even though I knew I couldn't. What could I have said? 'Sorry for cheating on you with this guy I only know for two hours, but I was too drunk to think properly'? That's bullshit. Being drunk is no excuse for something like that. How could that have happened? But most important: How can I fix this?
We haven't broken up. Not yet. But Octy decided to move to one of her band mates, Beauty Brass, for a few days. But I don't have to worry about her, she's totally straight. And even if not, I shouldn't be the one to worry about Octy might be cheating on me. I'm the one who failed, and I'm the one who has to regain her trust. I hope I'll be able to do so...
They say you only learn to value things right when they're gone. I always thought that would be just one of those phrases young ponies use to get other ponies into thinking they're smart and so on, but now I know it's actually true. I love Octy from all of my heart, and I never felt like our relationship was a thing of course. But it was, it is, even more than that. It's everything I want right now, it's everything I am . And I won't stop fighting for it until I have either success or... that other thing. That one thing I'm more afraid of than any other thing.
Can you believe it? Me, Vinyl Scratch, fighting for a relationship? Turn back the clock for half a year, would I have done such a thing back then? Probably not. I know I told you I didn't change during our relationship, but this is one thing that doesn't count towards what I said. And this is the past. Right now, I'm just worrying about Octy and me, about our relationship. But I won't fix it just by sitting around and writing about it. I have to move my damn flank and do something about it, and that's exactly what I will do now.
Hope I'll have better news next time...
It's been a week now.
I wasn't in a club since what happened. Of course I had some gigs on my schedule, but I canceled all of them. I thought I had more important things to deal with, and I actually have, but... every day I find myself heading to Octys' new home, knowing I won't be able to talk to her. Then I'm back home alone once more, thinking about what I have done, trying to find a way to fix my mistake, and breaking down in tears as I see I can't. I never thought something like this would ever happen to me, I always imagined myself to be strong, to be psychologically stable and able to deal with a breakup or any other emotional situation. And now look at me, this tiny picture of misery I became in just one single week. I'd do anything to make amends, but how could I if Octy wouldn't let me? I begin to run out of ideas how I could get to her.
But maybe I should just let her go. I mean, I still love her, but she clearly doesn't want me to be with her anymore. I talked to Beauty Brass, and she told me Octy hasn't even mentioned my name since she moved in with her. She tries to build a wall around herself, keeping everypony away from her, even her band mates and friends. Maybe leaving her alone is the best thing I can do now...
C'mon Vinyl, that's bullshit. I know she misses me, and I'm sure she feels exactly the same way I do. Probably with less self-reproaches and guilt feelings and more heartbroken and deceived, but in the end it means we both suffer. But the important thing is: she suffers. She suffers from a thing I did, and I have to get this fixed as soon as possible. I just don't know how...
Maybe I should ask Twilight for help. Maybe she'll know what I should do. Maybe she could even talk to Octy and get her to talk to me. Man, this isn't what I'm supposed to do. Though I like this idea, I can't just get somepony else to fix what I broke, after all this is my mistake, and I have to take care of its consequences. I don't want anypony else to get involved into this and create even more pressure on Octy. She'll come out of her safe haven to talk to me as soon as she decides it's necessary. And no matter when this will happen, I'll be ready to throw myself to the ground and beg for her mercy, beg for a second chance.
I'm sure she won't hide much longer. I know her, she tries to solve a problem by talking, not by running away from it. I just have to wait, and give her more time. I'm just afraid I don't have much time left before running crazy...
I finally had contact to Octy today. It's weird, she made the first step, though I am the one who should contact her, and of course I tried, but you know how that ended. I mean, I wasn't even able to do the first step, but still I feel bad that she had to. So after I gave up trying to visit her every day, I found this letter in my mailbox today. A letter from her, telling me about her feelings and thoughts, and... nevermind, I'll just add it here:
Dear Vinyl,
Octavia
Can you believe it? 'I hope you'll find time for it.'? Of course I'll find time for it! I'll always find time for her! No matter what would be happening, I wouldn't dare to say no to her offer, no matter when and where!
This one sentence is killing me. 'You deceived me'. I did. I deceived the most wonderful mare in Equestria, I cheated on the love of my life. But maybe there is still hope for us. Though she said she doesn't know if we could keep it up, she also said I'm still important to her. I know what she means with this, she still loves me, just like I still love her. Love is a feeling you can't just blow away when you feel like doing it, it's strong enough to remain even after a serious incident like the one I caused, and that's the good thing about it. I still have the chance to get everything fixed, to get Octy back here. I don't know how, but I know I can. No, I will ! I won't let this chance fade away unused. Whenever she wants to meet me, I'll be prepared to fight for our relationship. No matter the costs, I won't give up. And maybe, hopefully, I will succeed.
Octy is intelligent. I'm sure she will understand how much I need her in my life, the question is just if she still needs me just as much. I really hope so, I wish for it more than anything else... But still I have some doubts. And I have no idea how I would react if he ends our relationship once and for all. Would we stay friends even after it? Would she even want us to stay friends? To be honest, I don't hope so. If she decides to end our relationship, I know I won't be able to stay just friends with her. But where should I go? Our apartment I mostly paid by her, so I'd have to move out. I can't live with her after I lost her, this would break me, it would be my end.
Do I have any options where to go? Not much. My parents? No way. I'm sure they don't even want me show up at there house, living with them would be more difficult than getting Princess Celestia to wear a banana suit. Maybe I can move in with this other DJ, Electra. She's great, we met in Club Canterlot two years ago and stayed friends since then, I'm sure she'd provide me shelter for a time. Actually we haven't seen each other for a few weeks, maybe I should take a visit there to get my thoughts away from Octy and those things I can't do anything about but waiting.
Well, that sounds like a good idea. Getting a bit time off my mind sure will be nice.
Almost two more weeks have passed by, I and finally met Octy today.
Not. Good.
To keep it short, she wants to make a break in our relationship. Man, this sucks. I mean, a break? You can't make a break in a relationship, either you're a couple, or you're not, everypony knows that. But actually, I somehow understand her. I could see in her eyes she still wants us to be together so badly, but on the other hoof she wants some distance between us to get over what happened. Sure, it's been a quite long time since that night in the club, but Octy is too smart to just forgive and forget, though I know she wants to.
I feel so horrible about all that. When we met in this café, she had a serious expression on her face I never saw before. Her face and her words told me that I had done a terrible mistake and she can't just push it aside and live with me like before. But her eyes and a little cracking in her voice every now and then told me that this is exactly what she wants to do. So maybe there is still hope for us? Maybe, if I wait a little longer and give her time to get over it, I can make a new shot and try again? I'm sure she will give me another chance if I don't act too foolish. She simply has to!
But for now, I have to move out, I need to get away from Ponyville for a time. I already contacted Electra, she said it'd be no problem if I wanted to stay with her until I found something for myself, so this is my next place to go. I only hope I don't let myself get carried too far away with her, since she is basically just like me. A loud, alcohol-loving DJ who feels best when she's in the club until the next morning, plus she also is a fillyfooler. I'm sure she won't make any suggestions to make out or something like that, after all she knows what I have been through and she knows about my feelings towards Octy, but still... I already learned where too much alcohol can lead, and I'm not sure what could happen when we both come home from the club, drunk as hell and find ourselves all alone in the darkness of her apartment. Though Octy and I aren't really a couple anymore, I'm sure she wouldn't be too happy if anything happened between Electra and me. I simply have to keep my eyes open and try to not loose myself again, but still I know that won't be easy. Going out with Electra will be fine, she's one of my best friends and I really need somepony to talk to about all that has happened in the last time. Sure, you're a great listener, but let's be honest, you're just a book and can't give me advice and so on. Spending some time with Electra and downing a few drinks, maybe a few more than just a few, will be nice and hopefully get me away from all the thoughts about me and Octy.
I better start packing my stuff now. Octy isn't at home right now, she still is at Beauty’s place, but she knows that I won't be here anymore when she comes back. Like I said, I couldn't take still living with her after we break up, and that's what we did in my opinion, so I told her I'd move out for a few days, a few weeks, maybe a month or two, who knows that? For now, I'm glad when I finally arrive in Canterlot.
See you as soon as I have enough time to write to you again.