I crossed my arms over my chest. "I absolutely refuse," I said coldly.

Molestia gave me a tired look. "It needs to happen, you know," she said, her levels of irritation growing.

I scowled. "No, it really fucking doesn't."

She frowned at me. "Yes, it really does."

I scowled even harder. "I haven't done it since I got here, and I won't do it now."

Her frown turned into a glare. "If you want to see my mother, then you need to do it."

I snorted. "No I don't. I can see her if I want, and you can't stop me."

Her glare intensified. "Trust me, I can stop you if I want to. So you had better do it," she threatened.

I sneered at her. "You know just as well as I do that you can't do shit to me. I can fly through the planet, run at the speed of infinity, spawn an army of giant bugs, turn myself invisible, and make myself invulnerable. But the one thing I can't- and won't- do, is this!

She sighed, doing the pony equivalent of pinching the bridge of her nose. "Can't you just do it for me?" she asked me.

I rolled my eyes. "Threatening wouldn't work, asking won't get you anywhere," I snarked.

"She's here!" Luna yelled, galloping at full speed towards us.

Molestia looked at me pleadingly. "Please put on some kind of nice looking clothing? Please?!"

I rolled my eyes. "I can do this much, and that's it," I told her. Then I turned into a crow and perched myself on her rump.

She gave me a dirty look before a... casual?... looking alicorn slowly walking into the room behind Luna.

The alicorn had somewhat pale white fur with auburn hair and kind blue eyes and a red quill in an inkwell for a Cutie mark. She looked happy, for all intents and purposes. But somehow... tired, as well.

I studied her with my sharp bird vision. She kinda looks worn out. Probably busy in other worlds and shit, I guess.

The alicorn walked right up to Molestia, giving her a gentle smile. "It is so good to see you again," she said in a quiet voice. Quiet, but somehow loud, like it drowns out everything else in the room.

Molestia smiled awkwardly. "It's good to see you mother. I've... missed you."

God, this is embarrassing just to watch.

The two stared at each other for a few seconds before I decided to break the tension.

I cawed. Very loudly, in fact.

Every eye turned to me.

Their mother smiled at me. "I see you have a new friend!" she said happily. "Tell me, what's his name?" she said, using her hoof to ruffle the feathers on my head.

I gave off a noise that consisted of a guttural growl and a hiss, puffing my feathers out at her touch.

Molestia moved away slightly. "Uh, you mean my bird? The crow?" she asked nervously.

She tried to pet me again so I flew over to Luna and balanced myself on her head. I gave the new alicorn the best scowl a bird could give. I hissed in bird language at her.

She smiled at me. "He's cute. So, his name?" she asked again.

Molestia bit her lip in thought. "It's... uh... Blackie! Yes, Blackie. Because of how black his feathers are. His name is Blackie," she lied.

Her mother eyed her funny, clearly knowing full well she was lying to her. She looked back to me. "Such a funny little bird..."

Luna looked up at me with a small glare. "He's not funny at all mother. In fact, he's rather mean," she growled, trying to bat me off her head.

I cawed in laughter, flying away from her and perching myself on a nearby guard. A lanky stallion that was clearly unnerved by having me there.

Their mother chuckled. "He just has this intelligent look about him, like he can understand us. It's so strange..." She shook her head. "Forgive me, I got distracted. I'm here to see you girls, not your charming pet," she said with a smile.

I watched them all walk off, talking about things and catching up. Scowling, I flew off after them.

***

I hate you.

I will kill you.

I will devour your corpse.

I dislike you greatly.

You disgust me.

I will eat your babies.

Lunch was boring for the most part, so I was entertaining myself by staring at the guards and thinking dark thoughts. Maybe it was the vibe I was giving off, or maybe it was because they knew who I really was. But as I stared at them, they would become more and more terrified. One of them even ran out of the room screaming.

The current guard I was torturing was sweating buckets and shaking. I could tell he was close to tears.

I will be your end.

Your life means nothing.

Everybody hates you.

Nobody cares about you.

You are an idiot.

I will tear out and eat you soul.

You will die cold and alone with nothing but your sorrows and regrets to console you.

That was the last straw for him. He sniffled and hung his head down low, letting his tears fall unseen. "My princess?" he croaked.

All three regal figures looked to him.

Molestia looked at him and saw that he was crying. Then she looked to me and saw me staring at him, unblinkingly cursing him and threatening his life in silence.

She sighed. "You may go..." It was not the first time she had said that that afternoon.

He instantly galloped out of the room as fast as he could, nearly knocking over a different guard.

I cackled in bird language, flying over to another guard and starting my process all over again.

"Blackie?" Molestia called to me.

I sighed and looked over at her.

She frowned at me. "Maybe you would prefer to sit with me? At the table?" she asked. Though it was more of a command than a question.

I gave a guttural caw and flew over to the table, snagging a piece of food off of Luna's fork before I landed in front of their mother. I cawed loudly, flapping my wings a few times at her.

She rubbed my head again with her hoof and smiled. "I can't see why the guards are so afraid of him," she said. "He's such a cute little guy."

I puffed my feathers out, hissing at her and hopped down the table towards Luna's plate. Before she could do anything I took a few more pieces of food from her and hopped over to Molestia, gobbling down the food.

Molestia smiled, patting me on the head.

I hissed at her, but stood right there and accepted the petting.

They talked some more, mostly about what's been going on, how they've been doing, what their mother was up to recently, and how things were in the country. But finally, much later into the day, Molestia breached the topic. Me.

Molestia told her mother that she had somebody that wanted to talk to her, but that he wasn't here right now. She said that I wasn't a pony, or "normal"- whatever that means- and that I was interested in her ability to traverse other planes. What she failed to mention was that I was hoping to get a ride on those powers and to ask if she could do that.

I looked out one of the many windows in the very regal looking dining room. The Sun was nearly setting.

I cawed at Molestia, getting her attention.

She broke off her conversation with her mother and looked at me expectantly.

I tilted my head at her mother and cawed.

She raised a brow. "What is it?"

I sighed inwardly and motioned to the window with a wing.

Once she saw how late it was, her eyes widened. "How did the time go by so fast?" she whispered to herself.

I cawed again, louder this time and hopped over to their mother, looking into her eyes.

Molestia sighed. "Mother, do you remember when I said that I had a friend who wanted to meet you?" she asked her.

Their mother nodded. "Yes, I remember."

Molestia sighed again. "Well, he's been here this whole time. And he wants to talk with you now."

Her mother looked from her to me several times. "Your friend is Blackie?" she asked.

"That's not really my name, y'know," I said angrily.

She blinked at me. "A talking crow... How strange."

I scowled at her as best I could with a beak. "I'm not a crow. I'm actually a Human stuck inside of a computer game that got sucked through to the internet and somehow got sent here from the real Equestria." I fluffed myself. "It makes sense if you don't think about it."

She looked at me quietly for a long time. Never even blinking for minutes.

I waved a wing in front of her face. "Are you still in there?" I asked with a raised bird brow.

She blinked. "You..."

I nodded. "Me..."

Her eternal smile faded, being replaced by a somewhat angry glare. "You're the one that set off those bombs. You're the one that killed them."

I sighed. "Yes, and I'm very sorry that I fucked with the balance, or, whatever I did. But right now I want you to use your dimension powers to get me back to my own dimension. To get me home."

She glared even harder. "Why would I help you?" she hissed at me.

I snorted. "Because if you don't then I'll be forced to wonder around different pony dimensions and fuck things up until I find a way to get out of here."

She regarded me coldly. "You're a crow telling me you're a Human. With the story you gave me, it doesn't seem likely that you're telling me the truth."

I sighed and flew off the table, switching back to my bandit Playermodel and giving myself my PKM back. I landed on the ground softly and gestured to myself with my free hand. "I'm a fucking Human. Can you see that now?"

She looked me up and down. "Still, I don't see why I should help you- even if you are a Human stuck here."

I sighed heavily and loaded my gun, getting that wonderful clacking sound from it. "Help me get home, or I make this world my personal target range."

She didn't say anything.

I scowled. "Look, I just want to get home. I have a dog that needs to be taken care of and a pizza in the oven. If either one of those things are left alone too long bad things'll happen." I put away my PKM, holding my hands out to my sides. "I'm grasping at straws here; I'm desperate."

She raised a brow at me skeptically.

I sighed. "Fine, I'll even say it." I took a deep breath. "P- ple- plea... Pl-ease... help me get home." I felt sick to my stomach after saying that.

Her glare lessened slightly. "I can't get you home," she said.

I spawned my PKM back in.

"But I can bring you back as far as the Equestria you started in," she added quickly.

I pulled the hammer back, getting my favorite sound.

"From there you can get home!" she yelled quickly.

I relaxed. "How?" I asked her.

"You entered there, so the traces of the portal will still be there. You just need to know how to get them open again." She smiled at me. "I can tell you how."

I rolled my hand for her to go on. "Yes, and? How do I open the portal? How? How?! Tell me damn it?!"

She chuckled.

I scowled so hard it hurt. "Why are you laughing?!" I yelled.

She looked at me happily. "You remind me of somebody I know."

I growled like an animal. "Tell me how..." I said through gritted teeth.

She waved her hoof in the air at me. "Only if you promise not to hurt the ponies there. After you promise me, I'll tell you."

I sighed angrily. "I promise not to hurt the ponies that live there. Cut your heart, hope you die, stick the knife in your eye."

She smiled. "All you have to do is let Celestia and Luna figure it out."

I felt a chunk of my skull chip from the pressure of my headache. "I'm going to hurt you," I said, very calmly and collected. "I'm going to hurt you so bad. I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll make you regret you ever lived." I laughed painfully and smiled. "I'm going to hurt you so, so, so bad."

She just kept on smiling. "Are you ready to go?" she asked.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at her with what felt like a bonfire going on in my head.

"Mother? If I may?" Molestia said, breaking our eye contact.

I looked at her, my headache going away slowly.

She smiled at me. Not her usual, sultry, playful smile. A real smile. "You're the only one that paid me any attention in a long time. I'm going to miss you."

I raised a brow. "What about tumblr? Just make a new blog; people will come to their senses and keep on liking you."

She shook her head. "No, I don't think I want to any more. I want real interaction, with a real person."

I snorted. "You're looking in the wrong place. I'm a computer program. Barely more than an AI, really."

She did something strange then. She nuzzled me. "I wish we could have done some of those things I suggested," she said, her playful smile returning.

I almost smiled at her then. "I tell you what. If you can find me after I get home, we'll do everything you suggested and more," I said.

She smiled mischievously. "Is that a promise?" she sang.

I chuckled. "Cut your heart, hope you die, stick the knife in your eye," I chanted, doing the motions of my words.

We nodded to each other and I turned back to the mother.

She lit her horn and I tasted electricity, cream, and the color blurple.

I went through what I did before, only it was one color, one texture. Not the whole gang of them. Everything swirled in front of me, much like a turd does in a toilet.

I felt myself being pulled in all directions. Then I was forced down.

I blinked my eyes open, looking at Rarity. "What the hell...?"

She did some overly complicated maneuver with her hoof involving flipping her mane and striking a pose. "Oh, we were simply discussing at which establishment to dine at."

I almost laughed from realizing the situation. Raising a brow, I asked the question that needed to be asked. "Doesn't dine mean, like, dinner?" I asked her.

She scoffed. "Oh yes, like a ruffian such as yourself would know," she said sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at me and jabbed her hoof at me. "Your friend has told me about some of the things you've done, and let me just tell you that you are a most unpleasant pony- er, person."

I kicked her legs out from under her, causing her to fall flat on her face with her backside in the air. My friends got an unwanted eyeful.

I turned back towards Fluttershy's cottage and laughed loudly. "See you losers later, I need some sleep. If I haven't woken up in a week, get help," I called to them as I walked around a corner.

As I turned the corner I saw a very familiar pony. One with a butter yellow coat and gentle pink hair. I scooped her up in my free arm as she yelped and squirmed.

Once she decided to give up the hopeless struggle for freedom she looked up at me. "Um, what are you doing? Oh, if you don't mind me asking, that is."

I barked in laughter. "I'm a changed man, Fluttershy!" I declared loudly. "I'm turning over a new leaf; becoming a better person. I was going to start with a good rest, but seeing you made me think that it would be better to start becoming a better Human being as soon as possible," I told her.

She smiled in confusion. "Uhm, that's... nice?" she guessed.

I nodded. "Yes, yes it is! And do you know what role you're going to play in this little quest of mine?" I asked her, starting on the path to her home.

She didn't say anything.

I chuckled darkly. "You, my dear, little Fluttershy, will be teaching me how to be nice. And I'm not going to let you go until that goal has been accomplished."

She bit her lip. "Um, isn't that, ponynapping? I'm pretty sure that isn't nice..."

I sighed happily as I kicked her door open and patted her head with the barrel of my PKM. "No, no it is not," I said as I barricaded the door and set her down on her little couch.

She watched me do this with wide eyes, probably not really believing that it was happening.

I stood in front of her, sneering. "So, what's my first lesson on being nice?"

Author's Note

What? We're here again? What's going on?! Tell me what's going on! Tell m- aw, screw it.

Fluttershy! Fluttershy!!!
Uhm, yes?
Am I a good person?
Yes?
No I'm not! I'm kidnapping you! How does that make me a good person?! I'm still an asshole!
Uh, I'm sorry?
You're a terrible teacher.
I'm sorry...