I popped a chicken nugget into my mouth and chomped on it loudly as Molestia and I sat in her room talking. "But really, your security fucking sucks. That dumbass pissed himself when I threatened him!" I exclaimed, chuckling at the idiot in question.

... Who was currently standing about two feet from me as I talked with Molestia, supposedly guarding her from me.

She gave me a somewhat dirty look. "You shouldn't say things like that, you know. It's mean."

I laughed loudly. "And I fucking care because why?!" I yelled, coughing up a few chunks of meat from my nuggets onto the guard's helmet. "I thrive because I'm mean. Making others as miserable as I am makes me feel better, and is one of the few reasons why I haven't shot myself."

She frowned at me. "That's a terrible coping mechanism you know. You could do so much better if you did something that was productive," she told me.

I snorted. "Oh yes, I'll take up knitting right away. I'll make be sure to make everybody in the castle cute little sweaters with hearts on them! Just give me their names and I'll put them on the mailing list right now!" I said, almost snarling. I started out sarcastically, but somehow ended up finishing with quite a lot of venom in my voice.

She leaned towards me, her eyes half-lidded. "If you can't speak with an inside voice, I'll give you a reason to scream," she said suggestively.

I shook my head. "No thanks, I've screwed my fair share of magical, talking animals this week. I don't plan on making it a habit any time soon," I said, pushing her away from me slightly. "Plus, I'll find a way home before I get that desperate."

She smiled smugly. "And what if you can't find a way home, hmm? How long until you have to... indulge...?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm a computer program trapped in a world that's connected to the internet. Somehow, I think I can manage just fine, thanks."

Just then, yet another little chat box appeared. Molly i think he mite b gay. Thats why he doesnt want to hav sex with you

I raised my PKM up and shredded the box of text, using all one hundred bullets. After that I reloaded and fired another hundred bullets into what was left of it. After that I pulled out a flame thrower and scorched the tiny little pieces into ash. Then I stomped on the ashes and smeared them into the carpeted floor.

I sat back down on her bed and spawned myself more weed than I could ever smoke and lit myself a joint that was over a foot long.

Molestia looked at my oddly. "I take it that struck a nerve?" she asked, seemingly amused by my reaction.

I inhaled it all at once in one long breath, held it in for almost a full minute, than blew it out through my nose. "Old memories, is all. Caused more trouble than it was worth," I said, partially for myself.

The room was uncomfortably silent for a few minutes while I finished eating my nuggets and Molestia tried not to stare at me.

I coughed after I was done chewing. "So, what's there to do for fun around here?" I asked her.

She smiled at me. "I can show you~..."

I shook my head. "Eh, no thanks. I think I'm fine with entertaining myself."

She laughed at this. "Have it your way. But besides that, I have a few things to do. Although, they might not be very fun to you."

I shrugged. "Well, we can do things my way?" I suggested.

She raised a brow at me. "And what might that be?"

I chuckled darkly.

***

"Pull!"

ZAP!

BANG!!

BOOM!!!!!

I relaxed, dropping the sniper rifle to my side. "And that, my dear Molestia, is how you snipe," I said proudly as I watched the remnants of a miniature Sun dissipating from the sky and falling into the large courtyard we are all standing in.

The many guards that were watching my display of skill applauded me.

She smiled at me. "Sure, one is easy. But can you take out two?" she asked.

I laughed. "No problem," I said cockily.

She fired her horn off again, creating two small Suns. ZAP! ZAP!

I raised the rifle, sighted, aimed, fired, and relaxed all in less than a full second. BANG!! BANG!!

BOOM!!!!! BOOM!!!!!

I laughed. "I'm the best sniper in the world, and this proves it," I said, very full of myself.

Without warning she fired off five more.

Two seconds and five loud cracks from my rifle later and five mini Suns were dead.

She smirked.

I scowled.

She fired her horn. Ten times.

I fired my rifle. Nine times.

Ten mini Suns died.

I reloaded and roared a cheer. "Double kill! Triple kill! Multi Kill! Ultra Kill! Killing Spree! M- M- M- Monster Kill- kill- kill! Ludicrous Kill! Holy Shit- shit- shit! Rampage! Ace!"

Every guard was roaring their approval, very loudly.

I gave Molestia a smug look. "My nine beats your ten. How's that for skill?" I asked with no small amount of pride.

She smiled at me. "I've never seen somepony with accuracy like that before. It is truly impressive..." she said, licking her lips at me hungrily.

I chuckled. "If I can't hit something with my PSG-1, nobody can hit it with anything. No way, no how, no chance."

Just then Luna showed up, flying down from the castle from one of the many balconies. "That! Was! Amazing!" she yelled, getting right in my face. "I've never seen somepony shoot like that! Not even I can shoot like that! Are you in MLG?! Are you a Dev?! Can you teach me how to shoot like that?! You're so amazing!"

I gave her a blank look. "You've never seen me. You're not me. Kinda. Sorta. No. I know."

Luna blushed and backed away from me. "Um, I am sorry for that. I got a little excited..."

I blinked. "Yeah, whatever. I get that a lot."

Molestia stepped next to me. Very closely. "Luna, we were right in the middle of something here. Did you need something?" she asked sweetly. Almost sickeningly so.

I looked at her. Is she... Is she really being possessive over me?

Luna nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Sister, I have great news!"

Molestia raised a brow. "What's going on?" she asked.

Luna's smile widened unrealistically. "Mother is coming to visit! She's coming tomorrow, and she'll be here most of the day!"

Molestia took on a face I have never seen on her in the thirty or so hours I've known her: Fear.

I scowled. "And what's so important about your mother? Is she, like, coming home from a cruise to the Caribbean or something?"

Molestia frowned at me. "No. She's just... been gone for a long time... The last time I saw her..." She trailed off without finishing what she was saying.

I bit my teeth together. "Oh," I said coldly. "She's one of those kind of parents."

Luna tilted her head at me. "What kind of parents?" she asked.

I looked at her, and I must have had a very disturbing look to me, because she took a few steps back.

Molestia nudged me slightly with her elbow- or whatever ponies call elbows- and smiled sadly at me. "She's not like that. She visits us whenever she can, but sometimes she is called away to other dimensions for various reasons. The periods in which we actually can see her are... long. And sometimes she can only show up for a few minutes at the most."

I got one thing from that little speech. "She can traverse other planes?" I asked her.

Molestia nodded.

I worked my jaw side-to-side. "So... do you... Do you think... she can take me home?" I asked slowly.

Molestia thought for a moment before answering. "If anypony can, she can."

I almost smiled. "Well, I can't wait to meet your mommy, Molly. I hope she's as fun as you are."

Author's Note

Good news and bad news today.
Bad news: I'm failing my classes.
Good news: I'll soon have more time to write this stupid story! Yay expulsion!

Apparently they don't like it when you call the teachers liars and shitbags, among... other... more, "body part influenced" words.