"So then what happened?" I asked Applebloom.

She looked behind her to make sure nobody was there. "Well, she snuck off to take a nap!" she scream-whispered.

I gasped. "No... Applejack? Lying about work to slack off?! Inconceivable!" I exclaimed.

She nodded. "Uh huh, she did! And Big Mac got stuck with all the chores fer the rest of the day!"

I shook my head in disappointment. "I can't believe it... Applejack's a dirty, no good liar... And here I was thinking she had some kind of conscience..."

This had been going on for a good two hours now. We were sitting in a nice shady spot in the local park swapping stories and information with each other about different things. I would tell her a story, and she would tell me a story. Only, my stories were about my exploits in battle, and key plays in warfare. Her stories were things I could use to blackmail everybody I've met so far and a few others I haven't. Including, but not limited to: the Mane Six, the mayor, the weather team, everybody in the school, Celestia, a good number of royal guards, and even the richest pony in town, Filthy Rich. That could come in handy...

Applebloom sipped her juice box- that I summoned for her, you're welcome- and let out a happy sigh. "It's so cool that you can just make stuff appear out of nowhere!"

I nodded. "Yeah, it is. But I can't make anything I want, I'm limited to the stuff I have programmed into me. Like, I can summon up food, and weapons, and cars. But I can't even make a pair of decent Ray Bans! It's either Aviators, or cheap knock-offs! I mean, Aviators are cool and all, but I just like the slickness of the spy shades." I summoned up a top hat and placed it on Applebloom's head. "See? I can make a top hat, but I can't make those cool ass hats with the little spin-y things on top."

She took the hat off and thought for a moment. "Well, Ah don't really get how it works, but Ah guess Ah can see how it can stop ya from making things that ain't in yer systems."

I took a sip of my beer and shook my head. "Y'know Applebloom, you're the only one on the planet that I don't feel a burning hatred for. It's weird, but I think I kinda like you."

She smiled at me. "Thanks! Ah kinda like ya too!"

I sighed. "It's a shame you aren't older, though... Then we could talk about things other than who did what, and what our favorite flavors of ice cream are. Like, do you even know what docking means?"

She looked at me oddly. "No... Ah don't. What is it?" she asked me.

I groaned and threw my ice cream at a passing pony, nailing her in the head with the melting treat. "See?! That's what I mean! You haven't reached the age where I can make crude jokes and we can laugh about old people not being able to get it up!" I sighed again. "None of my friends ever want to just sit down and talk... They think I'm some kind of emotionless monster that gets off from watching teenagers get skinned alive."

She made a sour face at this. "Well... are you a monster?" she asked quietly.

I looked at the ground, feeling like I shouldn't even be talking about this with her. "I don't want to be, but I don't know how to be anything else. Everything I do that seems like something a normal person would do, other people are either disgusted or terrified of it. And the things that are supposed to be 'normal' are so boring and stupid that it just makes me angry." I growled and punched the bench we were sitting on, breaking a large chunk of wood off and getting splinters in my gloves. "I know you don't understand Applebloom, but I just wish that I could be somebody else sometimes. Somebody that isn't so... bad."

I felt a touch on my leg and looked to see the small filly looking at me happily. "What?"

She smiled wider at me. "Ah don't think yer a bad pony. Sure, ya punched mah brother, but ya gave me ice cream too! Ah know it don't seem like a lot, but Ah can tell ya ain't a monster." She patted my leg gently. "Ah think yer just a confused pony that needs a couple of good friends."

I snorted. "I don't need, nor do I want, friends. I'm perfectly fine with the two idiots I have following me around as it is. In fact, I would be more than fine if they somehow died in some painful, gory fashion that allowed me to watch."

She cringed back away from me, looking very uncertain if she wanted to stick around me for much longer.

I groaned again. "Sorry, Applebloom, I didn't mean to say things like that in front of you. It's just that I don't like other people."

"Why not?" she asked curiously.

I rubbed my forehead, trying to calm down the headache I had. "I have something wrong with me, in my head. I forget what it's called, but whenever I interact with people I get physically worn out. The more I talk with anybody, or, anypony, the worse my headache gets. And because of that, my temper flares up and I'm so quick to anger that I can get furious to the point of hurting somebody just for them saying hi to me."

She came closer to me, resting her hooves on my lap. "So, is talkin' with me givin' you a headache? Am Ah hurtin' ya by askin' these questions?"

I nodded a little. "Yeah, a little. But after a while I sort of, tune in to people. Like, I barely get headaches from Serpent and Viking anymore after all these years. But Twilight? Pinkie? Your sister? Just being around them makes my head hurt. And whenever Twilight starts yelling I can feel my blood heat up," I told her. I didn't know why I was telling her these things, but I just felt like I should. Maybe it was her cute little face, or the way she looked at me.

She prodded my side. "So, bein' mean helps ya? With the headaches?"

I nodded again. "It does. I don't know why, but for some reason making everybody else as miserable as me makes me feel better."

She smiled at me. "If ya want, you can make fun of me," she told me.

I chuckled and rubbed her head gently. "Nah, I don't want to make fun of you. And besides, you gave me permission, and that takes all the fun out of it."

She shook her head. "Well... didn't ya say somethin' about jokes earlier? And docking?"

I snorted in laughter, almost spitting up my beer. "Uh, yes, I did. Why?" I asked, giving her a curious look.

She hopped in my lap and smiled at me. "You can tell me some jokes to make ya feel better. And if Ah don't get 'em, you can explain 'em to me!"

I rolled my eyes. "I guess, but I doubt you'll get anything I'm about to say. Actually, that's probably a good thing."

She smiled at me excitedly. "Tell me a joke! C'mon, a funny one!"

"What happens when you cross a woman with a man?" I asked.

She shrugged. "What?"

"A lot of screaming and swearing, that's what," I said with a chuckle.

She tilted her head at me. "Ah don't get it."

I sighed and moved on. "One time I went swimming in a muddy river, then I told my girlfriend to take a bath."

She gave me the same confused look.

"Maybe we should call it quits, Applebloom. You don't get any of my jokes," I said.

She put on a determined face. "Ah'll keep listenin' until I get one, I promise!" she declared.

I shrugged. "Whatever you say... So, one time I decided to shave my girlfriend's head while she was sleeping to make her mad. But when I was finished, I realized I had shaved her pussy." I laughed a bit at this one. "I had enough hair to make myself a scarf."

She looked at me oddly. "Wait, ain't that a cat?"

"What?" I asked her.

"A pussy," she said, making me snort in laughter. "Ain't that a cat? Like a pussycat?"

I took in a calming breath. "Sure Applebloom, that's what I meant. So, one time I was talking with my friend and he told me he likes to eat fish. I told him to be careful because he might get a bone stuck in his throat. But he said that he meant his girlfriend, and the only thing stuck in his throat were fish eggs because he had little red bumps all over his face and neck after he did that."

She made a slightly disgusted face. "Why would anypony eat a fish? That's just gross."

I sighed again. "Okay, last one and if you don't get it, we can just go set some neighborhood cats on fire or something."

She looked saddened by this. "Ah'm sorry Ah don't get yer jokes. Maybe Ah am too young..."

I cleared my throat. "So, there was this older man who was having sex with his wife when he had a heart attack and died. But when they were about to hold the wake, he still had an erection from rigor mortise and they couldn't very well present him like that. So, seeing as the wife was in charge of the body, she told the coroner to cut off the cock and stuff it up is ass. Now, during the wake everybody could see a single tear leaking from his eye as they paid their last respects to him. When the wife went up to the coffin she leaned over his face and whispered 'It hurts, doesn't it?'"

To my surprise and horror, Applebloom laughed at this one. Loudly.

I looked at her in confusion. "How did you get this one but not the other ones?"

She was able to control her giggles enough to answer me. "During school, Miss Cheerilee brought in a doctor to have a sex ed. class."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh really now?"

She nodded. "Yeah, and one of the words he taught us was erect. He told us what the parts of the pony were called too."

I nodded. "So you understand the point when his cock wasn't supposed to go up her ass then?"

She looked confused. "What's a cock?"

I laughed a bit. "It's another name for the part on a male, same as dick. And pussy was a name for a female part, though I prefer cunt myself."

She looked at her hooves while she did some mental work. "Oh! Ah get it now!" she yelled. She laughed loudly, drawing the attention of many of the park's visitors.

I chuckled. "Well, it's good to see I've already taken a portion of your innocence. Maybe in a few years I can come back and take the rest," I joked.

We both laughed for a bit as the ponies in the park looked at us like we were insane. Hell, I knew I was, and a few more hours with me and Applebloom would be too.

After a few minutes, she prodded me with a hoof. "Can Ah ask you a question?"

I raised a brow. "If I said no, I would have to stop you from asking that in the past. Seeing as how I can't do that, I guess I'll have to say yes."

She ignored my wording and asked away. "How can a cock go up somepony's backside?" she asked.

I barked in laughter, coughing up half a lung before I could respond. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

She looked at me curiously. "The doctor said it was supposed to go in the mare's, uh, pussy. So why did he stick it up her backside?"

I shrugged. "It's a fetish called anal. I happen to like it myself, and I can tell you now that it's really nice."

She frowned. "But the doctor said-"

I put my hand over her mouth to silence her. "Listen, that doctor doesn't know shit. I've been involved with this kind of shit since I was six, and I've stored up a working knowledge of everything there is to know about it. So just trust me when I say it can happen. Hell, if it means that much to you I can show you."

She pushed my hand away and gave my a nervous look. "You can... show me?"

I nodded. "Yep. Who knows, maybe you'll get one of those little marks for it or something. Actually, you said you had a couple of friends right?"

She nodded, excited at the idea of getting her mark.

Behind the cloth of my head wrap, I was smiling. "You should get them and meet me at the edge of that forest near Fluttershy's house. I saw a little shed there we can do this at. Oh, and bring some rope, I'm all out."

She jumped from my lap and landed on the small dirt path of the park. "Okay, Ah'll get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo right away! But, why do ya need rope?"

I chuckled. "Just as a precaution. Y'know, safety first and all that bullshit," I told her.

As I watched her gallop off towards town, I couldn't help but feel bad for tricking her. Eh, I've done worse. Plus, this damn boner won't fucking go away! And what are friends for if not for helping each other out with hard problems?

Author's Note

Even though I'm very much tempted to, I don't think I'll do it... Probably... Maybe... I think...
...
Okay, I'm most likely going to do it.
I'm a terrible person!