As me and Viking waited for Twilight to finish her seemingly endless report to the two princesses about the explosion in Ponyville, we were sparring in the main room with blades. I was back in my bandit Playermodel and I had a large machete, and Viking had a sword. The score was seventeen to two, in my favor.

I parried a slice from Viking and jumped back. "So, how's life at the farm?" I asked him.

He swung his sword like a madman trying to hit me. "Not bad. I got to eat a whole apple pie while I was there."

I laughed and cut across his stomach, spilling his guts on the floor. "Kinky..."

He respawned and laughed, pulling out double knives. "Not like that, fucker! They fed me more than I could even eat, and it was good as hell."

I grabbed his arm mid-swing and twisted it, breaking it at the elbow. "Cool. Meet anybody that would make a good target dummy?"

He pulled away from me, wincing. "Nope, they're pretty cool. The little sister's annoyin', but it's funny as hell when she fucks up and makes her family mad."

I raised an eyebrow and threw my machete at him, pinning him to the wall through his neck. "Little sister? Like, how little?" I asked curiously as I pulled my machete out of the wall and readied myself for an attack.

Viking summoned a machete slightly smaller than my own and rushed me. "I don't fuckin' know. Eight maybe?"

I lopped off Viking's legs in a low sweep and stomped on his neck. "Nice... Hey, I'm coming back with you when you leave. I want to meet them."

He respawned with a sword in each hand and held them defensively. "I don't fuckin' care. How are you so damn good with a machete?!" he yelled as I broke his defense and nearly decapitated him.

I laughed. "I'm used to using them to hack down small trees and weeds. This isn't any different," I said as I tripped him and cut his head open at the ears. His brains went everywhere.

He respawned with an ACR pointed at my chest. "Fuck you and your god damn machete!"

I snorted. "Well fuck you too," I said as the bullets tore my torso to shreds.

"My library!" Twilight screamed from the steps to the upstairs area.

We both looked at her. "Not my fault," we both said at the same time.

***

I walked with Viking and Applejack back to their place of residence. Honestly, in the few times I've spoken with Applejack, I've come to almost not hate her. I mean, I'll still pour gasoline in her eyes and light her on fire if she insults me, but I might think about feeling bad for her after I'm done eating her corpse.

"So..." I said casually.

"So..." Viking said back.

Applejack looked at both of us suspiciously over her shoulder. "What're y'all conspirin' back there?"

I held my hands up defensively. "Oh nothing, just how we plan to hold you down and take turns with you once we get out of earshot of town. And after that we're planning on slaughtering your family and burning down your farm."

Viking gave me a disgusted look. "I ain't fuckin' no pony man!" he yelled.

I shrugged. "Fine. You hold her down and I'll fuck her," I told him. Then I felt something kick me in the stomach hard enough to make me puke up everything in my guts.

Applejack stood over me. "Now listen here partner," she said threateningly. "Ah don't know if y'all really think that's funny, but it stops now."

I chuckled as I pulled myself off the ground and stood over her. "Since we're being all threatening and shit, here's my offer. Do that again, and this world will burn in nuclear fire. And I'll keep you alive so you can watch me slaughter everybody. Then, when everything on this planet's dead, I'll make you beg for death before I even think about gracing you with it." I put my hand on her head. "How about that, partner?" I asked calmly.

She glared as she backed away from me. "Ah don't want you talkin' like that in front of mah sister, understand?" She asked angrily.

Thanks to my head wrap, she couldn't see the look of madness on my face. "Oh please, I'm great with children," I said in my best pedobear voice.

She glared at me even harder. "Ah'm serious."

I shook my head. "None of you are any fucking fun. Fine, I won't talk about rape and murder while I'm around your sister. But I'm going to be extra annoying to the rest of your family now."

She shook her head and continued leading us down the trail.

"Oh yeah," I called to her. "I still have an erection from this morning that you need to talk care of as part of the deal."

The sound she made as she heard me made both me and Viking laugh.

***

Sweet Apple Acres lived up to its name. It was acres of tasty apples that could in fact be described as "sweet". That fact made me hate it that much more. How much more? A lot much more.

I walked on to the property and immediately was greeted by a large red pony. I knew it was a male from the stupid look in its eyes that all of the females seemed to be lacking on this planet. "What the fuck do you want?" I asked angrily.

He switched the piece of wheat to the other side of his mouth. "What's yer name?" he asked slowly.

I got right in his face, pushing him backwards with only my forehead. "None of your fucking business, you inbred, cousin-fucking hick of a retard! Get the fuck out of my face or I'll beat your ass so hard you'll be sitting on your hooves for a week!" I screamed in his face.

He backed up slowly, giving me a dirty look. "Ah was jus-"

I stepped up in his face again, forehead-to-forehead. "You wanna fight me, you lil' bitch?! Huh?! C'mon, swing that fist, faggot! I'll break your God damned neck you bitch-ass motherfucker!"

He backed up again. "Applejack, control yer friend!" he shouted to his sister.

I swung my fist and got a nice cracking sound from his jaw. In an instant I was back in his face. "Do something! Do something bitch!"

He stumbled backwards away from me, rubbing his jaw with his hoof. "Whu's yeh po'bem?!" he slurred. For some reason, broken jaws don't help you speak clearly.

"What are y'all doin'?!" Applejack yelled as she pushed me away from him.

I snorted and spit on the ground at his hooves. "This stupid fucker looked at me funny."

Viking laughed so hard he started coughing.

I chuckled as I led Viking away from the two angry ponies. "C'mon, you need to show me where everything is. Plus, I want to meet the other family members. This Applebloom kid sounds like she'll be fun to mess around with."

"Hold on now!" Applejack yelled.

I kept walking until she galloped in front of us, glaring so hard I thought her face must hurt from the effort. "What?!" I growled.

She took a step forward. "What the hay do y'all think yer doin'?" she asked angrily.

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm going to meet your family, and he's leading me there. So my best guess is that we're going to see your home." I looked to Viking. "Ain't that right, lil' bud?" I asked in a somewhat insulting Southern accent.

He shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know. I guess," he said without much conviction.

I nodded happily, looking back to Applejack. "See? Nothing involving chemical warfare or enslavement of your race at all. Nope! Completely innocent."

Applejack glared even harder. "Well Ah-"

"What's chemical warfare?" a young voice asked from behind her.

We all looked to the source and saw a little yellow filly with golden eyes and a big pink bow in her red hair.

I clutched my heart as I fell to my knees. "Oh, my heart!"

Everybody stared at me oddly.

The filly walked up to me. "What's wrong with ya?" she asked me.

I gasped in a breath. "I'm having-" another gasp, "a heart attack-" another gasp, "from your..." a very loud gasp, "... cuteness!" I then fell flat on my face and pretended to be dead.

She frowned and poked at me with her hoof. "Uh... are ya... okay?" she asked slowly.

I looked up at her from the ground. "No, I'm not okay. I'm dead from you being too adorable for my senses to handle," I told her in a very serious voice. Honestly, she was pretty cute.

She frowned and poked me in the face. "Y'all aren't dead. Yer still talkin'!"

I shook my head. "Nuh uh! I'm dead, my body is talking!" I countered as I stood up.

She frowned at me. "No way! Vikin' told me y'all can't die!"

I punched Viking in the arm. "Why'd you tell her that?! I was going to mess with her!" I complained.

He rubbed his arm. "Well forgive the f-"

I punched him again in the side of the head. "Not in front of the kid!" I said angrily, gesturing at the filly.

Shaking my head at my friend's stupidity, I looked back to the young pony. "So, what's your name?"

She smiled at me. "Ah'm Applebloom, a proud member of the Apple family!" she cheered.

I looked at Applejack. "Your name is Applejack Apple? Wow, that's fucking stupid."

"What?!" Viking yelled. "You can cuss but I can't?!"

I snorted at him. "Nope. She already imprinted on you, so I'm free of being a role model."

He shook his head. "I'm still cussing, I don't care what you say."

I looked to Applebloom. "Hey kid, you wanna see what Viking's insides look like?"

Author's Note

Just a warning, the next one or two chapters may contain, uh... bad things...