Peter Williams

I stood before the castle at dawn, clad in my suit and tie, armed with my phone, paper, and pencils. I would have had a briefcase, but there was no time or bits to spare fir one. Bits... such a strange name for a currency. Might be reminiscent of a time when wealth was measured in actual bits of gold, rather than standard coinage. Research for later. Last night had been spent reviewing, correcting, re-reviewing, and confirming my lesson plan for the ruler-in-training, and now I was confident I could impart my wealth of knowledge to her. If I could get past the door.

"Are you sure this is the same human from before? That 'Patrick Wompal' or whatever?" The guard on the left asked his partner, eying me cautiously. Seriously! The first intelligent human in recorded history, and you can't be assed to remember his name! The ponies I have to deal with...

"Of course! How many others have you seen running around in a big, black suit? And with those writing supplies, gotta be him." The guard on the right nodded, looking me up and down. I gave that fellow a gentle nod, thankful that at least some ponies had sense enough to recognize- "Then again, all these humans do look alike. Someone could have gotten a suit from a tailor and put it on him." ... God damn it.

"Nah, nopony could have that kind of suit done in one night. Maybe Rarity, but she never does a repeat of her work." The left one retorted. I began to tap my foot in impatience. I was early for my appointment, but that didn't stop me from getting fed up with these two. Airport security was less tiresome. I was about to write down my exact feelings for them when an idea hit me. I popped my neck and took a deep breath, suddenly getting the guards' attention. I took on a shocked expression, hand covering my mouth, and pointed at an imaginary foe off in the distance. Even added a sort of whimpering sound.

As expected the two guards managed to be receptive enough to dart over to the area I had pointed at, while I gently entered the crystal tree fortress. I will say, despite it's outward aesthetic, the interior was really nice. A soothing dark purple kept things from being too bright, what with the crystalline reflections. Could use some drapes, though. Maybe a few brighter rugs to liven up the hall? Bah. I'm no interior designer.

I put the design choices of the princess out of my mind as I made my way to the council chamber. There I found the purple winged mon...quad-arch? Questions for later. She was currently engaged in the preparations of a small classroom-like setting, with a small stack of books, a short chalkboard, and a tray of various treats with a pair of steaming cups of liquid. She seemed to be focused on cleaning the board spotless when I entered and cleared my throat.

"Ah! Peter! Good to see you!" She cheered as she finished her task and trotted over to me. I gave a polite bow and stepped toward the setup, taking up the chalk in the tray and writing on the squeaky board.

Good morning Princess. Are you ready for our lesson?"

I noticed my writing on the chalkboard was sloppier than on paper, likely due to the vertical angle. I would have to write more carefully to keep my writing legible. My wrist already hates me. Princess Twilight perked up at my question, though.

"Oh, yes! I spent last night going over many old theories and manuscripts on philosophy and politics, but I'm excited to hear ideas from an alien perspective!" She settled into a seat and levitated several papers in front of her with words and sentences scrawled across them. I smiled at her enthusiasm, and prepared my mental lesson plan. The princess laid the writings down as I set into my work, scrawling the highlights of a lecture. Even as I began, though, my hand gave me pain, and I had to abridge my writing style to the basics.

Politics for my people derived from Greek "politika" = "Affairs of the City" - Aristotle
City = People -> "Affairs of the People"

"Question!" I was interrupted from my scrawling by the princess' raised hoof. I turned to her and nodded. "Who is 'Aristotle? Was he an important pon-er... person?" She jumped a little when a sharp bark of a laugh left me and I quickly adjusted what I had written.

Aristotle - ancient greek philosopher - one founder of western thought

"Oh, so he's like our own Aristrotle and Plot-o!"

... Wh-wha... j...just roll with it. I gave her a nod in confirmation. Moving on! I erase what I had written and begin anew.

Politics=government=society=civilization
1st: Hunter/gatherer - Tribal
2nd: Agricultural - Varied

I take a step back and allow my student to see the writing. She reads over it and speaks, "So Politics is inherent in governments, which is inherent in society, which is, itself inherent in civilizations?" I nod. That's more or less the fundamental basics. "So first were, uh.. hunter-gatherer tribes, then they learned agriculture and they got various government types?" Yes, right again. For having a teacher unable to give a proper lecture, she is picking up on this remarkably fast. I turned back to the board and extended the line for Tribal.

Tribal: large base around the community, led by eldest/most powerful - authority based on respect
-Small groups <500 pop
-nomadic- follow large herds for hunting/migrating for the seasons
-strongest succeeded most, most beneficial to tribe = more authority

I stepped back and let her soak it in. this was taking a little longer than I would have liked, having to stop every few minuets to make sure she was soaking in the information and let her ask questions. Speaking of which, "Well, it looks similar to what ponies had back before the three tribes formed their kingdoms. The biggest and the oldest ponies would become leaders due to their wisdom and experience, as well as for their ability to protect the tribe as a whole. Unicorn elders were especially respected, because as they aged they would become more experienced at using their magic. Some old legends tell of wizened old mages beating dragons in one on one combat." I nodded along. That would make sense, especially if ...magic... takes all the mental acuity I suspect it does. I erased the chalkboard again and wrote out next to the Varied line.

Agriculture = end of nomadic lifestyle
More food - New challenges
*PROTECTION* - govt shaped around who protects
Democracy - citizen/soldier
Feudal/monarch - ruler/warrior class
-govt types form from needs of it's people

I took another break as the princess read over my new writing. At this point I noticed her horn glowing and a small notebook hovering nearby with a quill rapidly taking notes. I sighed and settled in for a long day.

...My feet hurt...

Well six hours, two sore feet, and lots of chalk later, Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle was fairly well versed in the basics of political science and I in the history of Equestria. I felt that gross amounts were fragmented, biased, or just plain missing, but we weren't exactly going in depth on the specifies. She did confirm that Princess Celestia was effectively immortal, along with her sister, Princess Luna, whom I had yet to meet. Twilight did mention she would be able to orchestrate a meeting between us, Which I thanked her for. Always nice to know the folks in charge. I though things would being to get heated when I started to grill her on the nature of the celestial rulers' powers and the makeup of the solar system, but instead I was thrown for a new loop.

Princess Twilight was more than happy to explain every minute detail of Princess Luna's control over the moon, using mathematics on a level that could rival the highest learned professors of their fields. She had charts, graphs, glyphs, diagrams, and more symbols than you could shake the whole damn knowledge tree at. Suffice to say, my second repetition of Trig 1 left me wholly unprepared and dumbfounded by the second paragraph of what sounded like a final thesis doctorate on quantum physiology. She had this excited glint in her eye, a tell tale sign that she didn't get to show her true depths of knowledge on a subject very often due to the disinterest of an audience, a feeling I knew well. I decided to let her have this and follow as best I could, just to indulge her.

...I tried. I really did. As a political scientist in a world that prefers discussion of how their preferred football team will somehow make it to the championship this season over the political instability or social strife of foreign nations, I knew what it was like to finally have an audience who care about what I had to say. I wanted Princess Twilight to have this. I really did. I am ashamed to say I failed horribly. It may have been the vacant look on my face, or my lack of questioning, or maybe even my thin line of drool slowly working it's way down my chin, but not long after she began talking about magical light beam alteration arrays she must have realized she had lost me. She was disappointed, and gave a small pout, but forgave me. I emphasized to her that my field of expertise was focused more heavily on sociopolitical interests, and my math prowess stopped at about long division and low level algebra. She sighed and admitted it wasn't a big deal, but was grateful to me for listening as long as I had. We would have to go over is some other time, it was her turn to ask me a question.

"So what was your world really like?" She tilted her head, somewhat similar to how a dog would. I will reserve the right to say it was adorable. "I know we've been talking about your world for some time now, but we just went over the politics and philosophy. I want to know what it was like to live there." I nodded. It was a decent question, and we can talk about old dead men for so long before she'll want to know about more recent developments. I ready my writing arm and begin.

Where I lived? It was nice. A calm suburb of a bustling town of the American south.
Middle class family, three siblings, some dogs. Peaceful. Elsewhere? Not so much.

"What do you mean?"

Some parts of my world are filled with violence, hatred, and tyranny.
Rape, pillaging, and mass murder happens in far away places with people I'll probably never know.

The princess gasped, "That's terrible!" I nodded in agreement. "Why would ponies- ah, I mean people, do such things?"

The world is large, and not everyone wants to make nice. some feel they have the right to bend others to their wills, others think they are protecting what they value as sacrosanct, while some few are simply filled with psychotic rage.

"That's horrible." The princess drooped, ears lying flat in mourning for people who she could never possibly know or help. I like this little horse. She has a good soul. I gently rubbed her shoulder, trying to be as reassuring as possible. When she finally shot me a small smile I pulled back and wrote again.

Enough of this sad talk for now. I said I'd help research the possibilities of intelligent humans, so lets do it.

Princess Sparkle perked at that and nodded, "Okay. lets do it then." She rose to her hooves and trotted toward the door, "Come on! We can begin our research in the lab!" Lab? Oh dear. I don't like the sound of that. I cautiously rose to my feet and followed her out and into the hall. We walked down through a few corridors before coming to a staircase that led into a basement which smelled of unidentified chemicals. I could swear I saw an arc of electricity as we entered, and every facet of the room seemed to cry out 'mad scientist. My trepidation must have been on my sleeve, because Twilight turned and chuckled, "It's okay, Peter. Everything in here is stable. I haven't had the oppertunity to resume my other experiments after Tireck wrecked my old home." her voice took on a tone of pain and homesickness before she shook it off and returned to the task at hand... Hoof... no, fuck it, I have a hand, I'm sticking with hand. Task at hand, giving a hand, handing it to people. I know at least that little dragon has hands, so I can't be alone in my hand-ness. Hands I have and hands I'll use. Local vernacular be damned.

The princess sat me down on a table as she Explained what would happen, "So First we're going to make a few detailed scans of your brainwave and do a preliminary checkup. I know the veterinarian already did one, but that was for a standard Equestrian human, so this one will be for establishing a decent baseline. Do you feel in good enough condition for that?" Well, I could use a sandwich. Lunch was a few hours ago, but overall I feel fit as a country fiddle. I gave her an affirmative nod and let the process begin as I laid down. "This will feel a little fuzzy, but it shouldn't leave any side effects." Shouldn't. Comforting. She fired up her magic horn and I felt the power flow over me. It did feel fuzzy. Kinda warm too. Like a blanket of warm stuff. Hmm. The feeling passed from my head down through my neck and chest to my stomach, extending down my arms to my hands, then my legs and feet. All in all it took fifteen minuets and felt like a gentle rubdown with a warm towel.

"There! Done! Now we just need to the compile the information processor, and we'll be done!" Princess Sparkle cried cheerfully. I smiled and sat up as she trotted over to a machine covered in strange lights and buttons. It had a short stubby antennae that was suddenly enveloped in the princess's magenta magic field. I waited for something to happen. After thirty seconds the machine gave a ring of confirmation, the sounds of fans whirring to life as it began it's work. "Okay, it'll take a little while for the results to finish, so we can move on for now." Suddenly the princess seemed to become shy, "Next I'd like to get a-uh... blood sample for examination. You don't mind do you?" Well I just finished having my body soaked in what could have been nuclear radiation for all I knew, so sure, why not give a blood sample, so long as she didn't need my arm or something. I held up my thumb and fore finger to symbolize my request. "Not to worry," Came her reply, "I only need a few test tubes for examination." I nodded and rolled up my sleeve. A few test tubes wouldn't hurt, and I was a hardy fellow.

The princess returned with a thin needle and blood extractor I was familiar with. The mixing of tech levels on this world never ceases to confuse me. I suppose the physics behind the little things isn't that complicated, but I have yet to see even one mention of cannons or firelocks in any history book. It's just weird. Magic is bullshit. Ten minuets and five vials of blood later I stood gently and we made our way back upstairs. I enjoyed some tea and cookies the young dragon Spike had prepared while we discussed tomorrow's schedule. I would arrive at about the same time and we would begin covering Equestrian history, with my own commentary. After that we would look at the test results and try and compare them to a local Equestrian human. If there was time after that we could go into much more in depth with our scans and analysis. With time, we may eventually get enough information to publish a paper. To top off my good mood, I got an advance on my stipend to cover personal expenses while I got my start. Huzzah! Financial stability, ho!

With our plans for the next day made, and my new money, only in coin form, strangely, I bid her good evening and stepped out the door.

And right into a world a bright white flashes and shouting. I sighed. It was going to be a longer day than I thought.

Apparently the hysteria over the "intelligent human" didn't die down as much as I'd hoped after the press conference. The reporters got their stories and moved on, but now came the torrent of researchers, all wanting their own, independent, studies. I suppose everyone wanted to verify, or disprove, the scientific anomaly of their generation, make a big name, get rich, nice house, pretty wife, the whole shebang. I understood that. What I didn't understand was why they seemed to think just because I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear them.

"And here we can see the supposed intelligent human carrying out complex problem solving. Proof of his supposed rationality? Maybe. It might be a trained reaction from long periods of conditioning. I will need to observe more to evaluate." I had purchased a bag of peppers for the fridge at the house.

"While the Princess' claim of this creature's sapience may be subject to scrutiny, this researcher believes the creatures clear, unprovoked aggression toward others of it's kind seem to imply it has less control over it's animal instincts than we have been led to believe." The little bastard had been trying to piss on my shoe! What the hell was I supposed to do!?

"Interaction of subject PW with females of both human and pony, regardless of levels of interest, seem to show no sexual excitement, however this may be due to interference from the layers of clothing the subject wears. in order to get a more accurate reading, I will have to act... personally... for science of course..." Rrrrright, fuck the groceries, I'm going home.

The forces of scientific discovery hounded me all the way to Derpy's house, so I closed the shutters and drapes, just to be sure. I did, however, get a lovely view while closing the last drapes of a pair of 'researchers' getting into a small skirmish over who had the right to film the house overnight. Fun fact: a pegasus' wing joints are particularly fragile, and easy to dislocate. The poor, poor bastard. I took off my coat and proceeded to the kitchen to give Derpy the fruits of my shopping, as well as a few coins.

"Huh? What's this for?" she asked. I took out my note pad. I really need to find a better way of communicating. after essentially writing out lectures all day, my hand was starting to cramp.

Rent

Derpy gasped, "Oh! Peter I don't need you to pay rent! I already told you you can stay free of charge! You're a friend, not a tenant." I gave her a supportive smile as I wrote my response.

Don't care. It's to support the household.

The gray pegasus sat in contemplation for a few moments, then sighed, "Alright. I get the feeling you'd just leave it on the counter if I didn't take it, and who knows what kind of sweets Dinky would buy if she got her hooves on it. Thank you." She took the money and put it in a drawer before turning back to her cooking. Hmm. Grilled veggies. Not bad with a bit of salt and pepper. With my task complete I went out to the couch and began reading the newspaper. Sure enough I was headline news, and overall I was given a fair report. There was still a bit of speculation on my origins though, even a reference to the wild humans of the Everfree Forest and how the magic there seemed to defy all sense of logic. I could probably say the same about magic in general, but there were apparently rules about this sort of thing. Laws of physics and such. The rest of the articles were local news and opinion pieces, not much to take stock in. Maybe a few I could use for lessons tomorrow, but nothing more.

A knock on the door sounded, and was promptly answered by Dinky, since her mother was preoccupied by the stove. The door opened to a fire red unicorn with an outrageous mustache and pith helmet that had a hole for his horn. In his magic was an old-timey camera and note book. Actually, I think this was the fellow who was wrestling the pegasus earlier. Good show.

"Ah-hem. Good evening young lady. I am Lost A. Found, PhD. I was hoping I could speak to your mother about your recent added guest." The stallion quoffed. Is that a word? Quoffed? I think it is. Seems to define his demeanor well enough. Quoffed it is. As I rose to approach the door, newspaper under arm, Dinky turned to call for Derpy.

"Momma! There's another weird guy at the door! This one has a funny hat!" I let out a chuckle as the stallion blustered from his less-than-grand introduction.

"One moment, sweetie!" I hear Derpy call from the kitchen. While we wait for her, I decide to do a little research of my own and see if these ponies are as perceptive at reading my facial expressions as I hope. I stooped down and leaned on the door's arch, giving what I hoped was an angry 'explain yourself' face. I apparently failed, or this guy's perception was terrible, because he just looked up at me with those absurdly huge eyes that all ponies have for some odd reason and gave me a shit eating grin through his mustache.

"Oh, if it isn't my subject here! I have been trying to get a question in all day, but my colleagues all seem tartarus-bent to prevent my work. Unacceptable. Simply unacceptable." I quirked my eyebrow, trying to emphasize that he should get to the point. "In any case, I wanted to know if you would be available to do a more formal interview than that little Q and A you had at your great unveiling, as it were." Well. This is a pleasant surprise. Derpy entered the room, presumably after turning the stove off, and greeted the researcher.

"Oh, hello! Can I help you?" She asked politely as I backed away to give her room.

"Oh, yes. I was hoping I could come in to your lovely home and give this creature the proper interview it deserves. For science." The stallion used his magic to twirl his mustache and puffed out his chest in what I assume was supposed to be a dignified display, but came off as a little pretentious.

"Uhm... Well, I suppose that's really up to Peter." Derpy turned to me with a concerned look. As much as I would love an interview, my hand just couldn't handle it. I was actually starting to consider postponing Princess Sparkle's lessons tomorrow so I could let it recover. I shook my head at the stallion with my best apologetic look, rubbing my hand.

"Ah! I see." His voice spoke of awkward disappointment, "Well, I suppose we'll have to schedule some other time." I gave him a nod in agreement. He stroked his facial hair with a hoof in thought before speaking again. "How does two days from now sound? morning? Early afternoon?" I gave him a signal for the second one. I would need to set up a lesson plan for my royal student, then I could do the interview over lunch. "Excellent! How does one o'clock sound?" I gave him a thumbs up. Before I could reconsider the likelihood of hoof-based societies understanding thumb-based gestures the stallion took the affirmative and walked away.

With my new addition to potential allies logged, I reclined on the couch and relaxed. Dinky hopped up with me and began excitedly telling me about her day, which I listened to halfway while I just took in the surreal sensation of it all. It was almost like I was normal. Almost. I was still surrounded by uncertainty, plagued by the unknown future. But right then, I was man home from a long day at work. I suppose almost was good enough for now.

Author's Note

So, I'm not dead. Mostly. With college starting up and life suddenly at my back, I can't make any assurances on future updates, but I won't abandon this story. Promise. I have plans. Big plans. Plans that may or may not include certain deviations from the canon of the original Your Human and You, but this is my ship, I'll sail into the Bermuda Triangle if I want! Full Steam!

Your ever ambitious writer
- Cicero Niche