Your Human and You: I Refuse to Play

Peter Williams

With a desperate gasp for air I jerked away from the torrent of icy cold water. I briefly tried to say something before the babble from my mouth reminded me I was currently effectively mute. One glance at my surroundings told me I was in a cage, in a tent, and surrounded by trogs, also in cages, also in a tent. Annnd I was naked. Fuckers stole my clothes. The little giggle girl was nowhere to be seen. I looked for the culprit of who hit me with the water, fully expecting to see some large, burly stallion with a sneer, but instead only found bucket of water that had overturned from the stool next to my it had been precariously placed on.

So… Captured… That’s new. Captured and likely to be pitted against various trogs in contests of force for the amusement of the ner-do-well population of Equestria. That is not an appealing fate. Let’s see, how to get out… The door looks like some kind of up-sized cat carrier setup, so that should be easy, but how to get out of the camp? Hmm… Options… First step would be finding my clothes, then wrecking the day of whoever thought it was a good idea to put me in here. My personal honor has been besmirched, and I shan't let it continue unabashed. I hunched over my cage door and began fiddling with the latch on the other side. The trogs seemed to have some mild interest in me, but kept to themselves mostly.

The door swung open after a few seconds of tinkering and I took a step into freedom. I made a brief, silent search of the room before finding a few dingy towels I could use to cover myself, but no clothes. For the better, I guess, if they were stored in here who knows what kind of condition they’d be in? I’ll have to venture out into the camp and search. Before I go, however…

The trogs were nice and docile as their cages hung open, probably got fed just a little bit before I awoke… Wait, where was my meal? Cheapskates. Probably wasn’t any good, anyway. The trogs would get more active in a bit and in the flurry of ponies trying to control them I could make my escape. For now, pants.

I peeked out of the tent and saw it was evening, and not many guards about. What few were there seemed to be relaxing with a bottle of what was probably alcohol. I could go for some of that right now… There were a few tents strewn about with a large one in the center where cries and cheers were coming from. Probably the fighting pit. Not a good time. I lowered myself to the ground and crawled into the open, moving slowly as to minimize the chance to be seen. As I got away from the tent and closer to the inebriated ponies, I recognized two of them from the group that had captured me and giggle girl. They seemed to be passing around a bottle of questionable substance. I’ll just assume by their vague looks and gentle sway it was not apple juice.

“So I told him ‘hey, isn't that the Princess’ human?’ and Hoop was all like ‘more money for us’. Like it was some easy cash grab.” The Pegasus apparently just finished the tale, “Humph. I don't like it. Princess Sparkle is smart. She'll figure out who took him, and it's only a matter of time before she starts to hunt us down. We’d have to be halfway to the Griffin Empire by sun up to have a chance at getting away, and here we are, waiting on paperwork.” He was clearly disgruntled at the current state of affairs.

“Yeah, we should have made a break hours ago. Can’t spend money in a Royal Guard dungeon.” His friend, one of the earth ponies, added.

One of the unrecognized ponies took his turn to speak, “Well, I dunno what we’re gonna do with that supposedly smart one anyway, Potter, or was-it-called.

“Peter, I think.” His friend corrected.

“Whatever, it’s don’t look like it can fight much, and I’m skeptical about his supposed intelligence. Ain’t never had a conversation with a human. Probably wouldn’t have much to say anyway.”

“Doesn't matter what you think about him. It's the Princess you should be afraid of. The human might be smart or not, hell the thing bashed it's head on the drainage pipe coming out of the carpeting store when he saw us in the alley. Saved us a lot of trouble that it fell on the girl one” I flushed with embarrassment and indignation as the story was told. Well shit. There goes my street cred, what little I had.

“I dunno what we’re gonna do with its clothes.” one of the ring workers said, nudging a basket with What I assume was my pants and shirt. TARGET AQUIRED. “They’re too distinctive to just pawn off on some rich dolt. It's too recognizable, leaves too much of a trail. Maybe we can just hold on to them. Givem’ as a prize for the next champ. Let that poor sucker deal with it.” Those pricks! That suit was a Rarity original! Top of the line stuff! And they were just going to hock it off on some trog who couldn’t even appreciate it’s quality craftsmanship!? A pox upon them, I say! I’ll sort this about! I clandestinely moved towards the group, hiding as best I could in the growing shadows of twilight.

Before I got close the Pegasus stood up, stretching his wings and wobbling slightly, “I've gotta hit the can. This stuff goes straight through me.”

“I'll go too.” chimed on one of the ring operators, also standing, “Been brewing up a load since those tacos at brunch.”

“Dude, we did not need to hear that.” His fellow member chuckled as they walked off. That left two. I crawled closer and waited for my chance to strike. The grass was itchy, and I really wanted to get my shirt back. I lied still none the less, planning the best approach to make. Even with the other two gone, I don’t think I could take them in a stand up, knock down fight. I might need to distract the-

“So… fifteen hundred bits.” The ring worker interrupted my train of thought.

“That’s per human, so three thousand in total, split four ways, so… a little over seven hundred for each of us, then we split town.” The earth pony corrected.

“Right, right. Still, three thousand bits is a big sum for folks just getting in the business. Some ponies might take a little offence.”

“Well, they are pretty high quality, so I’d say it’s earned.”

“Of course, no doubt about that. But the truth is often obscured by opinion, and there are some fellas who’ve been working in this outfit for a few years who haven’t seen that kind of money. They’re usually losing it all in bets, but they’re probably upset none the less.”

“So? We get paid, and they never have to see us again, so with the time pushing on us, I really don’t care how they feel.”

“You probably should, friend. Some of them are in charge of human collection, some in disposal…” The worker stands, taking an aggressive stance as my captor begins to shrink in fear, “And some of them are simple guards.” With that statement the worker leaps across the fire and tackles the earth pony. “Three thousand bits! Three thousand! And little shits like you think we’re just going to hand that over!?”

In failing resistance the earth pony pushes against his opponent, “But your boss sai-” A hoof was quickly shoved against his throat.

“There’s been a change in management.” The cruelty in the worker’s voice sent a chill down my back, and honestly, even though he was part of the group that had captured me, watching the life slowly drain from his face was kinda fucking with my head. With my potential observers occupied, I quickly concocted a plan to retrieve my clothes and possibly gain some information. Slowly creeping forward I raised from the ground. Adopting the good ol’ fashioned combat stride, my hand clasped the bottle of liquid that had been passed around earlier. I gave it a good once over, just to make sure. Good thickness, a little transparent, neck was a decent enough length for a one and one half hand grip, and- oo! A little bit of the stuff was left! I gave the contents a good sniff… Smells like… coconut rum. Interesting. I gave it a swig and felt a familiar burn in my throat before closing in in my target.

The fire that had been the center of conversation cast my shadow across the struggling pair, giving the worker only the barest hints of danger before the bottle crashed down on his head, right between the ears. I was concerned for the possibility the earth pony might endure the blow and give me my comeuppance, but fortunately he immediately crumpled on top of my former captor, a light trickle of blood appearing between his ears. The other pony then pushed the unconscious one to the side and stood, careful of the broken glass, while panting heavily. As his breath returned to him his gazed drifted upwards until it fell on my amused face.

“T-thanks…” He gasped. I nodded in return, followed by a quick gesture that he should remain sitting where he was. The fact I did it with the broken bottle in my hand was all the convincing he needed. I grabbed my clothes and quickly got into a more civilized state of dress. The shirt was dirty, if not a little tattered from rough handling. The pants might be salvageable if Rarity takes a look at it soon. My belt was thankfully intact, and my shoes were only mildly scuffed.

With my clothing returned to me I turned back to the earth pony, who had obediently stayed put. I approached him and crouched down, setting aside the bottle and picking up a stick. I scribbled as best I could in the dirt without further ruining my ensemble.

Where are we?

“W-well, we’re a little into White Tail Woods. It’s a little close to the Everfree Forest, but that just means the guard doesn’t look here as hard.” He pointed a shaky hoof over my shoulder at a thicket of trees, “That way’s to Ponyville, so y-you can just go on home.” I could. I could just walk away. Turn back and put this whole experience behind me. Hell, that’s probably what I should do. But the girl… The redhead that giggled. She was here because of me. I chased her, for legitimate reasons, of course, and got us both captured. If she was intelligent, dare I say sapient, then she would be in serious trouble. I should go get the guard. Princess Twilight Get the actual police force out here and break everything up, then we can-

My mind flashed to an article in the paper I read a week after I got here.

A fight between two humans took a surprising turn just two days ago in our own market square. It appeared one of them had been hungry and was prepared to attack a group of passersby when the second human moved to intervene. Both humans reportedly survived the brawl, but neither owners were available for interview. The defending human was taken to the local veterinary clinic for treatment, but the instigator escaped when the guard tried to routinely put it down. Locals are asked to be wary of a potentially dangerous human roaming the streets with the descriptors of

‘When the guard tried to routinely put it down’...

They were going to kill them. Humans routinely trained to fight and kill anything put in front of them? Too dangerous to let live. Given their opinion on how humans ought to be treated, they wouldn’t bother to differentiate hostile and domesticated ones in the chaos. Fucking hell… What to do what to do…

I sighed and wrote out another message.

Where is the girl you brought me in with?

The stallion read it and said, “Oh, her? She was a little small, so they decided to put her in the early shows to get the crowd warmed up. I think she is in the ring right now” He pointed off to the side, towards the big tent. God Damnit. God Fucking Damnit. I could leave right now, but could I live with just leaving her to a most likely gruesome fate?

…

…

…

Fucking honor, always getting my ass into trouble. I stood and sprinted towards the tent. I vaguely heard the stallion run off to help his friend, likely under attack like he was just briefly ago. From within the tent I could hear cries of pain, victory, rage, and disappointment. The sounds of money lost on gambles that should have been sure things, and small fortunes won by strategic victors. The proverbial lion’s den, except I wasn’t being thrown in… I paused at the entrance, stealing my courage for whatever events were to unfold.

I should've held onto that liquor.

My hesitation erased, however, as a feminine cry of suffering emitted from beyond the canvas flaps. Once more cursing my own foolish nature, I peeled open the curtain and slipped in. None noticed me, all attention split between the ring itself and the gambling booth on the far side. The ring itself was considerably smaller than one might expect, but given the mobile nature of this establishment, I suppose it was excusable. About four humans could comfortably fit in it and have some space for themselves. That space was currently occupied by three unmoving bodies and two very quickly moving ones. My height gave me a viewpoint over the crowd to see a large brute and… giggle girl. A very exhausted, bloodied giggle girl, but giggle girl none the less. Holding two parts of what looked like a broken broom handle, both tips of wood coated in crimson fluids. I would need to make a plan to get us out of here. Can’t fight through this hoard. Wouldn’t be able to get her out of the ring with all this attention on it… Distract and divert. Maybe set fire to the tent? Ponies seem easy to put into a panic, maybe I could…

Wow, she is really good with those. Dodge, thrust, dodge, distance. Very precise, thoughtful attacks. Planned and executed with cold calculation. If there were any doubts about her intelligence, they were gone now. Definitely needed to have a chat with her… if I ever got my voice back of course… Still need to figure that out. Back on topic! I need to get a distraction going to scatter these crooks like chicke-

ATTENTION! THIS IS THE ROYAL GUARD OF PONYVILLE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOVES WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!

… Well fuck me too…

It did the trick, though. As soon as the call was finished all the ponies in the tent scrambled to get outside in what the likely hoped was the direction the guard was not sitting in, equally likely in vain. I decided to capitalize on the opportunity and waded my way through the pandemonium towards the ring. The brute and the girl only vaguely recognized the shift in atmosphere, each a constant threat to the other. Her opponent was bleeding profusely now, and if he wasn’t ill before the new wounds would undoubtedly be infected by cross contamination. The girl was tired, though, and likely couldn’t pull off another series of blows like she had before.

At the edge of the ring I saw a number of short spears sitting in a barrel, probably to be used in case a human gets too violent toward the guests after finishing an opponent. Looking down and seeing the girl be slowly backed into the wall under me, I grasped one of the spears. I would have to kill him. I didn’t want to, but he was threatening my mission objective, and the closest thing to a comrade I had at the moment. He looked like a trog, but so did the other one, all those weeks ago, before I had spared him. That wouldn’t be an issue this time. Trog or no, he had to be dealt with, and time was not on the side of mercy. My moment came.

I jumped.

I struck.

I landed.

I stood to see the brute howl in pain before turning to bore into my soul, spear jutting out of a bulky shoulder. Hmm. That was not part of the plan. Oh, and now the pants were officially ruined. That was too bad. I liked these pants. And being alive…

My interlude to the sweet embrace of death via angry roid monster was put to an abrupt end when the beast jerked up, and suddenly fell before my feet, a certain red-headed maiden riding his back with a death grip in the stake plunged into his medulla oblongata. We both stood and looked down at the dead man. Then to each other. Before any cliche’ pseudo-romantic gazing could occor the frantic screaming above us alerted me to the continuing crisis. I grabbed her arm and gave a sharp jerk and point in an “let’s get the hell out of Dodge” gesture. She nodded in understanding and we made our way back to the wall, where I knelt down and folded my hands over my knee in what, in the Corps, we had called ‘the boosty maneuver’. She stepped up and used be as a platform as I rose to push her over the edge.

I watched her form disappear over the wall and realized just how much faith I was putting into a person I had literally just met. That was a poor decision on my part, I mean, what if she thought I was crazy and just left me here to die, or decided to huck the other sears at me, or didn’t- oh, there she was. She had gone to grab a rope! Of course! Her arms were too short to pull me up. Silly Peter, getting worked up over nothing. Was that the cry of a pony getting stunned? I best go. I shimmied up the rope and clambered over the top, where the crowd of panicked ponies had thinned a bit. My comrade tugged me to the side toward a relatively vacant corner of the tent. The guardsponies began to enter the tent on the opposite side, putting a little more humph in my giddyup. We reached the side and , after my partner peeked out to verify the coast was clear, we slipped into the camp.

And into a group of gathered humans, a few of them from the cages I had left open, others not. I instinctively gave a nod of recognition, and too my surprise a shorter, gruff looking human in the group grunted and nodded in response. From there we were off, making our way toward the forest, dodging patrols and running around brawls between guards and crooks. Briefly after we hit the treeline, though, I became aware of a shouting match occurring not far behind.

“They’re getting away! We have to secure those humans!”

“Are you nuts!? That’s the Everfree Forest! No way I’m going in there!”

“Don’t you give me that! After them!”

“They’ve already passed the Poison Joke field! Any further and we’ll…”

The voices faded after that. Once we were a good distance away I felt like I could catch my breath. I slowed down and leaned against a nearby tree, wheezing and coughing. Wow that took it out of me… Maybe I just need some water, didn’t really hydrate for all this activity… Damn my head is spinning. Heat exhaustion, you old cad you, I thought I left you behind in boot. Is it getting darker? Well it was dusk when we started, so I suppose that would make, oh- no, that’s too dark… This is definitely too much dark. Ah, that felt like a bloody cough. Not so good for me… Oh, my fellow escapees. So lovely of you to join me.

“The pollen is doing it’s work, but we can’t take him now.”

W-wha

“I shall draw some of the horse-folk near to find him. I saw the purple one among the golden warriors.” One of the indistinct forms vanished.

Finally my vision fully blacked out. As unconsciousness took me for what I would later feel was far too often for the average man, I felt a vaguely familiar rumble in my throat, forming a very distinct pattern.