My Adventures in Equestria

I decided to test the Pegasi one first. Apparently, there’s a spot right at the base of the wing that causes the wing to go into an immediate erect state. I’ve heard of insta-boners and wing boners, but let’s see what happens when those two things combine, shall we?

Since it was too cruel to do to Fluttershy (and by the way that should be a crime punishable by death) I decided to venture over to the friendly neighborhood (heh, NEIGHborhood) Rainbow Dash. She glared at me but didn’t do anything to stop me. I looked innocently at her wings and she looked at me funny.

“Uh, what are you staring at?” she asked warily. I just shrugged and pointed at her wings.

“Those.” I replied simply. She just shook her head and shrugged it off. I could still see her peeking at me out of the corner of her eyes though, so I knew I wasn’t completely off the hook. It would be hard to get in an opportunity to get her since Nate and I were still on her shit list. Plus, it was a very concealed spot right at the base of the wing, so I’d have to be practically giving her a massage to do it. But you know what?

Fuck it. I came up with a game plan. Nate was still sitting on the couch waiting for me to do something. I leaned over a little more and asked “Hey, what are your wings made of?” I asked innocently enough. She looked at me really weird this time. Hey, I probably would too.

“Uh, muscle, bone, flesh?” I facepalmed.

“Besides the obvious I mean. Like how do they work?” She raised an eyebrow but continued. I admit it wasn’t the best opportunity to get to do the trick, but hey, it was the best I could conceive on such short notice. But maybe the base of the wing would become a subject on the topic. I mean that is where the wing stems from, right? She met my thoughts hand in hand.

“Well, the wing forms at the side of a Pegasi’s body, someplace between the spine and the abdomen.” I interrupted her and looked for the third fore-feather. I found it and pushed softly.

“Right here, right?” She didn’t have a chance to respond as her wings unfurled immediately with the fanon “POMF” noise. Well, guess it’s canon now. Her face went completely red and she sprung up and ran out of the room shouting,

“Yes, there!” I somehow managed to keep a somewhat straight face while Nate fell off the back of the couch to conceal his laughter. I just hoped my face was blank as I deadpanned

“What?” I heard Nate still rolling around with laughter behind the couch and the laughter was contagious. My face cracked into the biggest grin ever as me and Pinkie joined in on the laughter. I’m sorry, that was just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen some funny shit. Soon, the entire room was encased with giggles. Well, guess it’s time for number 8. I can kiss my life goodbye.

If the article served correct, if you squeeze the fifth ring on a unicorn’s horn, a burst of something called “pleasure magic” comes out. In other words, insta-horngasm. This world treats me too well for all the ponies good. Skip the formalities and innocence on this one; it was time to go ham in this bitch. Rarity, Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie (who had somehow reappeared) had all gathered around the table. Disregard aliens, acquire friendship.

I snuck up behind Twilight. Applejack and Rarity almost shouted out, but with a devious grin and a finger to my lips, they stayed quiet. With the precision of a Faze fan boy, I positioned my fingers right over the fifth ring, as stated in the book. Liftoff in three, two, one…Bam! I squeezed lightly and a whole shit-ton of the so called “pleasure magic” shot out from her horn. But I forgot one thing. I was standing directly behind her. Her legs shout out instinctively and shot me

cross the room into a bookshelf.

Nate, who had previously just recovered from his laugh attack, was launched into yet another fit. I myself wasn’t sure if the pain in my side was from getting kicked across the room or because of the laughing I was doing. Like I said, cartoon physics aren’t too shabby. Realistically, I should have two hoof shaped holes in my stomach. Instead all I got was a splitting pain. Hmmm, not sure if gusta. I composed myself long enough to look at the extent of the damage.

That pleasure magic stuff, well to say the least, it looked EXACTLY like semen. That, coupled with the fact that Applejack and Rarity were now plastered to the wall by it, sent me back into a laughing fit. Twilight hid under her forehooves, her face also completely. She looked absolutely mortified. Mission accomplished. And from what the article said, you can’t just summon it away. And as funny as it is to imagine some of that stuff falling out of the sky onto some poor pony, it looked like AJ and Rarity had another good hour of hang time on the wall.

The look on their faces alone was enough to send me into yet another side splitting laugh attack. I haphazardly dug myself out of the pile of books and collapsed on the floor. Nate tried to get back up, but fell right back down without support on the couch. Twilight had gotten back up, her face still beet red. But now instead of embarrassment, her face was red out of anger. Her horn glowed brightly, charging up a powerful and probably rather painful spell. Fuck.

BOOM! With a sound like lightning, a bolt of what looked like rainbow lightning shot at me. Double fuck. With a painful blast of energy I shot out the wall of the library and vaulted into the ground and slid about, oh five hundred or so feet.  Jeez, talk about a Kamehameha. I thought to myself wearily. A scroll magically appeared near my head and I popped it open. It read,

Dear Mr. Chase Merritt, it has come to my attention that you have defied the laws of life and injury three times now. From hence forward you now apply to these laws. Pinkie Physics still apply but nothing else.

Yours Truly, Discord.

“Fuck you too.” I muttered under my breath. Great, not a day in Equestria and I get my immortality privileges revoked. Another note popped up. All this one said was “Language. Dollar in the swear jar.”Smart ass. I crumpled this one up. Twilight came running up to me with a worried look on her face.

“Oh, Celestia, I’m sorry! I didn’t think it would affect you that much!” I chuckled and got up carefully.

“Heh, don’t be. I deserved that fully.” She was now looking confused. Wait, how did you even survive that? A force that strong would have ripped a normal pony to shreds!” I shrugged and showed her the note Discord sent me. She read it and sighed.

“Figures.” She muttered. “Seems like something he would do.” I tried to look bewildered and asked.

“Who’s this Discord figure anyway?”(Bullshit count plus one) She sighed again, more heavily this time.

“He’s just the deity of Chaos. He’s more of an innocent troublemaker than anything else, but it really gets annoying.” I nodded in understanding. But that presents a problem. If Discord is Discord and Pinkie is Pinkie, I’m like their unborn child. Random, chaotic, and the off chance of being bat shit insane. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. Better resist my urges to cause some shenanigans. What? I didn’t say I would completely bottle them up. I would probably explode.

Anyways, Twilight and I walked back to her home, where some of the “magic” was disintegrating. The sight still brought a few chuckles. I went up to AJ and Rarity, who were still plastered to the wall. I really did feel bad about that part; I wasn’t expecting such a discharge of that magnitude. It’s not my fault she let it build up like that.

“Hey, sorry about the uh, you know.” I started, unsure where to take this. Applejack just shook her head a little.

“S’alright I reckon. Just a little messy is all.” Damn my mind. Rarity groaned a little.

“Ugh, this will take forever to get out of my coat and mane! You’re just lucky I’ve been in this situation and know how to get it out properly.” I looked at Applejack, who had raised her eyebrows at me to confirm what she had just said. Did Rarity just discreetly hint that she had been in a cumshot situation before? I guess she did, because we both burst into laughter. Rarity looked at us weirdly. “What?” She asked, utterly confused. Applejack managed to choke out,

“I never knew you engaged in such "uncouth" activities Rarity.” She said, putting an emphasis on the word “uncouth”.   Now this was thisdirt at its finest! I hoped I got to use this as blackmail later. I know it makes me sound like a dick and all, but hey, if you’d uncovered something like that, you’d be itching to use it too. I walked back over to Nate, who stared at me.

“Dude, how the hell did you survive that? You got Falcon punched by a bolt of lightning!” I showed him Discord’s letter. He grinned after he finished reading it. “I think that means I still got all three of my strikes left!” He said confidently. A letter popped up. It read,

“Nope. What happens to him applies to you as well.” Under the “Nope” was a picture of Engineer with his neck stretched out. When I get some free time, we need to meme it the hell up. Nate growled. “Dang, I was really hoping to free fall off of Canterlot Mountain. I wanted to see ponies face’s when I smashed into the ground.” Pinkie came hopping over at that moment.

“Twilight says she needs you two guys at the table!” Nate and I turned around to see that Applejack and Rarity were finally off the wall. Everypony except Rainbow Dash was gathered around the table. She hadn’t been seen since the “incident”.  Twilight looked serious. Hope I wasn’t still in trouble from earlier. I’ll be okay with any punishment as long as they stay gentle. Mind…Fuck. Off.

“As you both already know, we still don’t know what brought you here. But I do have a spell that I believe can send you back. I have tested this spell on occasion before, and it appears to have worked.” She looked at us expectantly, waiting for an answer, any sign of elation or eagerness of the news. Son of a bitch… I honestly didn’t know how to respond to this. My procrastination has screwed me over once again. If humans could still get cutie marks here, I swear mine would be for procrastination.

Come to think of it, what would that look like? A due date and a hastily done shit paper? Not too shabby I guess. I looked to Nate to see what he wanted to do. He just gave me a look that said “You’re on your own.” Dick. I looked back at Twilight, and said,

“Well, could we just have another night here?” I tried. It didn’t sound so much like a legitimate question, more like the kind of question that someone asks when they’re trying to come up with an excuse that even they don’t believe. Everypony’s eyebrows rose, and I tried again. “Well, it’s not every day you get to stay on an alien planet right?” Twilight took the bait.

“Well, I guess I could teach you some things about Equestrian society?” She asked a little hesitantly. I probably would be too. You know, I wouldn’t be too comfortable about teaching someone, uh, somepony about our society. Too bad we already knew about all about them. But it wasn’t like I was going to say “Nah, I already know all about you! There are no brakes on the rape train, so prepare your anus!”

Come to think of it, I don’t think that would be a good thing to say to a member of any species. I nodded and elbowed Nate so he would too. I hoped that I could stay long enough and pretend to learn enough to say that we wanted to stay. Then I would go on a rant saying how shitty our world was and stuff. It may not seem like I’m putting much thought into this, but I really am. I’m just chill about most things. I know what some of you are thinking right now. Probably something along the lines of

“Why would you abandon humanity like that? Even if no one else is nice, think about the bronies!” Honestly, I could easily blame it on ADHD and not thinking out anything because of impulse. But for once, that actually wouldn’t be true. In fact I have thought about this a lot. And don’t think for one second that I wouldn’t regret leaving all my friends behind. Even though the friends I have are great, and I mean pretty fucking awesome friends, I have way more enemies.

My ADHD labels me an outcast. Regular ADHD may not be so bad, I have managed to get the “Let’s goof the fuck off and make people laugh” gene of it. Now, that’s how I made my friends and why I can come up with funny retorts and completely random funny sentences. But the “others” just acted friendly so they didn’t have to tell me how much of an idiot I was acting. And the “other others” were just complete assholes.

My parents love me and I know that, but let’s face facts. They hated who I was. Funny, yes. But lazy, pro procrastinator, stubborn, and had a complete disregard for rules. I could be in a shitty mood, but as soon as someone else was around, I’d just hide it. But as soon as the folks come into the picture, it’s back inside of Assholes Inc. And I hated the world we lived in. Bronies and other decent people trying to make a difference, I loved and respected, but everyone else I despised.

So yeah, rant over. Twilight began with

“Now, Equestria was made about three thousand years ago, under Princess Celestia’s rule when she was born from her parents Solar Flare and Moon Rock. I thought to myself, Ugh, it’s going to be a long night.

Authors Notes: Hey there everyone! SSRD is back! At least for this story. I've been a little shitty lately with everything, and I haven't really felt like writing at all. Expect more updates on this story more than any other at the moment. Sorry if the chapter is a little substandard, it just feels like it is to me. And in the meantime, I've come up with a few story arcs! Yay for not writing for like 2 months so I can brainstorm! Joking aside, Hope you like the chapter, and I hope I can motivate myself to keep writing. Happy reading!