A Night to Remember

A Night to Remember

"What the hell?" I grumbled.

Peculiar don’t you think?

But believe me; that's an acceptable expression of surprise for those who wake up in Las Vegas.

I don’t usually like to drink or to get drunk (which is nothing but a consequence of the first), but unfortunately this has been occurring very frequently with me. It all starts with something nice; a nice whiskey, a nice car, with nice girls inside of it, and obviously a nice amount of money in my pocket. Now you just mix all those things together and voilà!

Drunk.

Now you're probably thinking I'm a wrecked gambling man or some other shit like that; another jerk burning his money with poker, drinks and high-end sluts.

But let me tell you something: You are completely right.

Well... you'd probably be right if you had the pleasure of stumbling against me a couple of days ago.

The thing is— when a man loses almost his entire fortune to the Russian mafia (and survives) —he tends to become way more cautious with his stuff. Still, the mobsters weren't the worst part of my day.

It was my wife. Ex-wife, I suppose.

When that dirty little bit-

Never mind... When that heartless woman saw I was falling apart, instead of helping me to get through that mess — crossing the forest together, ya know? Maybe a friendly shoulder to cry.

Of course she wouldn't.

'To hell with your shit, Richard!'. The freak tried to steal the last cookies of my jar, and flee to Hawaii with her secret lover.

Ain't it fun? Aside from the fact I was being hounded by the Russians, there was that delicious icing covering my cake.

Yes, it’s true; I should appeal to a court, hire a lawyer. But you know what? I hate courts and I hate lawyers as well. And I presume that they are not quite fond of me as well, considering my questionable business partners.

Anyway, here comes my brilliant decision: 'If I am so screwed to the point of not being capable to hire some shitty lawyers to cover my ass...'

'...fuck the system!' Yeah, I said that to myself, in a way.

In my mind I was being such a smarty pants; so I got every single dollar from my safe, the car keys, an old leather jacket, and to put an end on this damned old life of mine with a flourish, I even left an elegant note pinned on the front door, purposely visible to anyone who would eventually come looking for me.

“I'm going to Vegas babe, maybe we’ll meet again in the future. The safe is empty, but I think I left some fresh milk inside the freezer if you’re interested. The best regards — Rick”

With that, I left all my common sense behind and went to Sodom and Gomorrah 2.0;

Las Vegas – Nevada

The lights, the people, the casinos, everything there was built with the same purpose: Make you waste your money in a fancy, painless way.

I didn't knew exactly what the hell I'd do with my life once I ran out of money (which was indeed, a matter of time), but I knew one thing: These days would go down into history!

I said before I was going bankrupt, but ‘going bankrupt’ doesn't necessarily implies I was poor.

Oh no…

I had enough money to live for a month in the boulevard, before having serious problems with my bills. What? You really thought I was going to pay for my stay?

It was a stupid decision, but it was also some sort of progressive self-destruction. In a way, there was a creepy feeling growing and crawling inside of me, and it whispered that it would be an one way trip.

As the days passed me by, my money was slowly going down the drain, together with my sanity. Really, today I would like to know how much alcohol I had in my blood that night. I think I'd burst into flames if I burped near a fireplace.

I woke up early in the afternoon; it was just six o'clock after all…

I was losing count of days and nights, and 'suddenly' my pockets were almost empty.

That would certainly be my last night in Vegas - you could feel it - the hotel security could feel it - after all, how much do you think a month in Luxor's presidential suite would cost?

A thought struck me; I should head to my car as fast as possible and get the hell out of that place, lying low, and praying for protection. Not that I believe that god was really proud of me anyway.

Shit happened that night, that was the only certainty. I would truly appreciate telling you the truth, but here's the thing: I can't remember.

The last thing I recall is seeing my blurry reflection on the glassy facade staring at me like a ghost, from this moment onward I could sum everything up to random flashes and colors. Chunks of memory, stretched and broken.

I saw bright lights; probably from another pathetic casino, the taste of cheap vodka in my mouth, a heavy punch on my face. Fortunately, I was too drunk to feel the pain.

My car crashed into a building. Glass shards, strange sounds, strange smells - and what the hell - Who pissed on my shirt?

As I said previously, my brain 'corrupted' its own files, and for some miracle (or luck), I managed to find a way back to my room, or at least I thought it was my room.

"What for fuck's sake is happening here?" I grumbled.

Sometimes there's nothing better than hearing your own words echoing through the hallways.

As I slowly came back to my senses, I felt my entire body throbbing, the pain gradually increasing as I squirmed in place. Shit, that would be the worst hangover ever.

Every time I tried to move I bumped against this strange lump by my side.

I felt a flat surface under my back - that would make sense, considering that I probably couldn't make my way to the bed. I opened my eyes but the sunlight almost burned them to the core.

I spent some time wondering about my life, about the universe, and about my whereabouts. Eyes closed, hoping the migraine would agree to go away, but it was all in vain.

Shit, couldn't Nietzsche have ever written anything useful about this?

A couple of minutes later I concluded that awful headache wouldn't go away, and I was the 'thing' in need to go away. I had no option other than opening my eyelids again and facing reality.

So I did it.

Fighting against the urge to yank out my ocular nerves, I could finally see. And the sight was anything but the usual; just the old and plain wooden roof.

I blinked again, and blinked one time more just to make sure - but nothing happened. The fucking wooden roof was still there.

Fine, that thing was creeping me out. My room had no medieval-themed roof, and what the- What was the thing nudging my arm?

I had enough surprises for a day. I tried to stand up but my feet found nothing but air. I tripped and fell. As my head met the floor I let a very audible ‘Oh fuck’ come out.

I sat down and realized that I was sleeping over some kind of table. And I wasn't the only one.

“Oh, you are finally awake”

I jumped when I listened that voice - and let me give you an advice: stand up quickly is a really, really bad idea.

My vision went from blurred to complete darkness. The entire world seemed to spin around my head, and my stomach tried to speak with my throat. Yes, I would have such a disgusting morning surprise if it wasn't for my muscular control.

When I finally fixed myself, I looked around the room, expecting to find a nasty slut sleeping over the couch or some decadent scene like that, but no. I finally noticed the 'thing' over the table.

My first reaction; absolute shock.

The second reaction; blasphemy.

“Holy mother of God, what the hell are you?”

Oh I screamed - and how I fucking screamed that morning. For there was no human over that table, but a horned quadruped.

A talking horse-like being- a blue, horse-like being.

And it just laughed from my face as I consequently panicked. There was a single explanation: Someone dissolved LSD on my whiskey.

“Come on Ricky, don’t you remember last night? All those things you've shown me, huh?”

Drugs surely. I reassured myself.

“No! I do not remember- and I don't know you- whatever you are... You are just a freaking hallucination, that's all. I'm gonna be fine, it all is gonna be fine!” I shook my head violently.

As I turned around ready to leave that place, I stumbled and fell over something - a quite fluffy and warm something.

Oh boy, that wasn't a 'something'.

“Ouch!”

“Watch your steps, you hairless monkey!” A freaking white unicorn, wearing golden armor said.

“I heard screams coming from your chambers, has this creature hurt you in any way, my princess?”

Great, I had messed up with the royalty of acid-bath world.

“Oh, not at all Captain Shining. He didn't. In fact, he gave me a very amusing night.”

Princess… Captain… Colored unicorns wearing armors and talking about amusing nights...

That's it; I had developed acute schizophrenia.

‘Okay, okay. Stay calm, count to ten, have a sit, and think.’

Let’s review my situation; I’m on this strange place, with strange creatures. I comprehend very little about the environment, and even less about myself.

I stared at my bare body and back to the flying unicorn lying over a table, and then to the disgusted white unicorn at the doorway.

Comprehension was nonexistent.

‘Quickly! You must have a plan - thinkthinkthink - there's a window right by my side, there’s a pony princess approaching, and I'm trembling.’

In lack of plans, my brain just activated the auto-pilot.

“Stop right there, for God's sake! Don't you dare touching me, alien freak, I know you want to suck my brain, or something worse!” I backed away.

I clung into the blinds but the whole thing detached from the wall and landed on my head; I was naked, drugged, with a heavy curtain enveloping my body, randomly running around a room.

Yes, that's the worst 'We come in peace' scenario one could ever imagine.

“Stop human, you’ll destroy something!” The captain levitated me with his witchcraft thing, making me float upside down.

And this ladies and gentlemen, was one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life, it was even worse than the day I threw up over my girlfriend's shirt.

“What for Equestria's sake happened to you Rick, are you insane or something? Don’t you remember me?” With a flutter of wings, the unicorn walked towards me, an expression of sincere worry stamped on her face.

And there was the point when I realized how deep was my tar pit; if I wasn't on drugs, dreaming, or having a stroke, how the hell I ended up in that freaking place?

“I… I-” I sighed. “Can you please put me back down on the ground, you stick-head?” The captain rolled his eyes, releasing me over the couch. As soon as I wrapped me up on the curtains again, I asked the question that comprised all my other questions at once:

“Who are you- both of you. Where am I, how I got here, and why am I naked?”

Like a magic crow at the window, the princess stared at me cautiously, and calculatingly.

“Can't you recall... anything?” She inquired, raising an eyebrow at me. "Nothing?"

“Ah… What am I supposed to remember?” I shivered.

“Oh well." She sighed "That's a shame, Rick. A huge shame. But I shall answer thee.” I locked myself in place as she ran her hooves over my chest, nuzzling my cheek, kissing my lips thereafter.

“Care to explain?” I backed away slowly, not really used to kiss aliens by the morning.

“Sure my dear.” She walked away to a corner of the room, which soon I presumed to be her personal chambers, judging by the nightly decoration, which completely matched her own style. She stood in a wide balcony with a somehow imposing pose, staring at the horizon.

“I am Luna, Princess of the night, co-ruler of the entire Kingdom of Equestria, and of all Ponykind!”

Her voice reverberated deep inside my ears, electrifying every inch of nerve inside my body.

“You are in Canterlot, capital city of this empire - more precisely, you are in my tower of Canterlot Castle. You married me last night, after mutual agreement.”

"Which in this case, makes you officially speaking..." She lowered her tone, looking at me with those hypnotic blue eyes, her flowing mane reflecting the own universe.

“My prince”

I blacked out.

But I can tell you; before my mind fell into the void, one last thought flashed inside my mind - a quote, from the depths of my childhood memories database.

'Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.'