A Night to Remember

A night to remember

Oh the dream world…

So majestic, so vivid, so fake!

Unfortunately, I wasn't aware it was a dream, most of the people aren't (dream logic sucks)

“Oh, hey there little bunny, ya want a carrot?” What a cute and angelical bunny jumping in front of me; fancy grasslands as far as the eyes can see and- Look, another bunny!

God, how pathetic.

Minutes later, there was me, surrounded by thousands of bunnies and all of them wearing tiny doctor outfits.

Wait a second...

Cute little rabbits? In doctor outfits? Something must be wron-

Oh look! A bunny with a bow tie! Ha ha! Never mind, everything is okay. The rabbits were climbing over my legs, and- hovering over my head like cherubs.

Then the freaking animals turned blue, devilish fangs protruded from their mouths. Those were definitely not cherubs... Then came the urge to run; in despair I stumbled over a very big rabbit - unlike the others, that thing was darker than the night. Worse than fangs, he carried a needle.

“Okay big boy… Let's remain civilized here, no need to raise your weapons, I can leave your fucking Bunnyland if you want.” I tried to walk backwards, but the now anthropomorphic rabbit-executioner held my legs.

“Wait- Stop! Don't you dare to stuck this frigging demonic thing in my veins- I swear, I'll never eat a rabbit again! Never!”

I don’t think it was a good choice of words.

Rabbit master stuck that needle deep into my arm. God knows how I screamed, strange lights danced around my eyes, everything morphed into other things, rabbits and cherubs, demons and grasslands faded away, and soon there was nothing but a terrible pain raging through my arm.

The dream dissolved around myself, and finally vanished.

You must think I’m stupid or something, but you must also know that some dreams can definitely make you scream like a little girl, even when you’re finally awake.

I opened my eyes. This time, without any pain.

The first thing I noticed was my terrible vision, of course. I rubbed my eyelids for a moment until I could clearly see the room around me. It was some kind of hospital ward and even though everything was immaculately clean and seemingly operational, the entire apparatus and decoration looked charmingly vintage.

There was a big needle coming out of my right arm, so it certainly wasn't just part of that dream.

'I crashed my car somewhere and the authorities brought me here to save my ass- perfect, now I’m stuck inside a stupid hospital.'

Oh the reality...

How it hurts.

Then I saw them. They were right there all the time, right in front of my bed; four figures wearing white biohazard suits. Four unicorns.

Unicorns again for heaven's sake!

“Oh crap.” I muttered to myself. “Please, tell me you're not going to dissect me...”

“He’s awake! Call the doctor!” One of them exclaimed. The four ponies left the room in a hurry; except one of them, who came back with another metallic syringe.

“Oh no no no no! I refuse do be your guinea pig again, Mr. Hellish!" Fuck the good manners, I jumped from the bed and threw the covers right on his face.

And hey- look right there! It is my dignity walking away! I was naked again.

“Stop!" He exclaimed "Stop, you lunatic beast, I’m just going to give you a painkiller!” The unicorn threw the sheets back on my bed, raising his brow and looking me up and down, like a crazy anatomist.

I frowned at him, grabbing the covers and improvising some kind of robe.

“You are lying! I’m sure you will put me to sleep again and crack my skull open to see how my brain works or some other stupid scientific shit. I saw those instruments right there!” I pointed to a silver tray on the nightstand.

The unicorn chuckled.

“Those ‘instruments’ right there are supposed to be your silverware to eat lunch. Don't your race use them? That's just a fork.”

Well, he had a point. But I simply couldn't agree with that guy and give him all the reason - of course I had to prove my point, no matter how wrong my point was; it's the frigging logic of humankind.

To my disappointment, when I was about to argue with the unicorn, a light blue pony that curiously wasn't a unicorn walked into the room.

“Ah... Cotton Hooves, can you please leave me alone with the specimen? You can also remove the safety mask; he’s clean.’’

“My name is Richard, dammit!”

“Oh, so you finally remember your name! Good thing, this will help us a lot, but can you go back to your bed please? I don’t really want you fainting again.” The light blue mare pushed me back to the gurney.

“Here's the thing, pony; show me the way back to my world and we'll forget this entire incident. I can tell myself that this was just a bad trip, and you and your ‘ponykind’ can find another pretty story to fill the voids - Do we have a deal?”

Such a fantastic proposal.

“I’m sorry Richard... But I suppose this is not as simple as you place it." She shook her head. "This is a matter you should deal with the princesses - I’m just a doctor." She pointed to her name tag "And my name is not 'pony', I'm Silver Scalpel”

“And what the hell am I supposed to do now?” I asked, impatiently wriggling in place.

“Well, right now, you’re supposed to take this painkiller, and answer some questions.”

Interesting, if someone had told me days ago that a talking pony would prescribe me some painkillers, I would laugh like a hyena and call it a day. But anyway, reality is relative isn't it?

“Why do I need a painkiller anyway?” I asked.

“The princess said that you managed to hit the wall and consequently the floor with your head, as you blacked out. Which unfortunately gave you a light concussion.”

“Ouch!”

“Hey! You didn't said you'd inject this shit now!” I moaned, slightly annoyed at the doctor's mischievous face. Those pesky ponies with pointy objects.

“Would you let me to do it, if I said so?” She asked coldly. Dammit, she had a point.

“Probably not.” I sighed in defeat. “But I'm warning you lil' doc, if this was some kind of wicked sleep drug and I happen to wake up without my organs…” I checked my pulse and under my skin blood was still being pumped, that was a good signal. The doctor just rolled her eyes.

“And here's my first question, Richard; why would we remove your organs, or even dissect you?” She frowned, moving a strand of hair away from her face.

Oh silly pony. Acting as if I knew nothing about about the crazy experiments those scientists performed down into dark and moldy basements.

“Well, on my world they usually dissect anything, eh… 'unknown'." I rubbed my neck, kinda awkwardly. "I mean, human logic is something like: Hey, an alien just landed in our world, let's open its body and get some samples." The doctor stared at me quite shocked. "Heck, I'm pretty sure they would love to open your unicorn friends to see how their cute little horns work.”

And here's the point I noticed the terrified face of the pony right in front of me. Oh hell, that's why I never had many friends in my childhood years.

“W-why would your people do this? This is simply heinous!”

Congratulations Richard, you just ruined the reputation of your entire race!

“Oh, but not all of the humans do this kind of crap. Only a couple of slightly obsessed researchers. Believe me, I can't understand how people can be so cold at times." I said, lying against the pillows.

“It doesn't matter, it's still awful.” She shook her head in denial.

"Welcome to the human race, doc." I said.

She sighed, lifting some papers from the clipboard. "Let’s go back to business; you just need to answer a few questions and then you can have your lunch.” I silently hoped they had some steak.

“Go ahead pony, I’m starving”

She facepalmed, or was it a facehoof? I can't say for sure.

“Please, just call me Doctor Silver…”

“Sorry Doc, but ponies have silly names." I chuckled, wondering if they were bullied in preschool or something. "Ah, no offense."

"None taken." She rolled her eyes.

“Okay, take this as a test to see if your brain has suffered any major injuries” She paced around the bed, focused on her clipboard.

“Your full name please” Silver said.

“Oh… Sure: Richard Armin Lorenzo”

“Age?”

“32” I muttered.

“Sex?”

“Isn't that obvious? I mean-“

“Please Richard, straight answers.”

“I'm a male!”

“How do your kind denominate themselves?”

“Humans-" I paused. "Technically speaking, we are Homo Sapiens, but's it's not like I give a damn." Ignoring my comment, she proceeded.

“How many sentient species live in your world?” She asked, a curious tone in her voice. "By sentient I mean-"

"I know what sentient means!" I snorted "And I suppose we have... one? I mean the dolphins are quite- Oh right, sorry. Short answers.” Doc stared at me quite doubtfully.

“Only one sentient species? I mean- This is odd. It would explain your ridiculous behavior, surely, but we have dozens here.”

“Well, as I was saying; Dolphins, Monkeys and Elephants can be quite smart, but it's not like you can chat or have a dinner with them. They don’t have cities or complex languages.” And here I am playing the biologist.

“That’s peculiar." She wrote something on her paper, and got back to the questions. I just nodded, although noticing a very intriguing detail; how could those ponies speak fluent English?

I decided to swallow my questions, and ignore most of the anomalies.

“What's your diet composed of?”

"Whiskey, chips, and mint drops." I chuckled. Doctor Silver just cocked her head like a confused little dog. "Nah, I'm just playin' with you. This diet thing really depends on each human personal preferences, but I guess most of people are omnivorous.”

"So do you eat… Meat?" Oh man, problems ahead.

"Ah… yes?" I smiled sheepishly. "No need to run away tho, we don't walk around the streets killing animals and eating their raw flesh."

"If you don’t kill the animal; who kills?" She asked, kinda unsettled.

"Well, I don’t know, I just buy the meat in the market, but I presume they kill them in a slaughterhouse."

Wrong choice of words again.

"S-slaughterhouse? Your people have a place solely designed to… kill?" Doc seemed to shiver at the thought.

"Oh god, come on! It’s better than killing the creature by yourself!" I said.

"How can your race be so insensitive about death?"

No steak today I suppose.

"Hey, I said that before, my race is not-"

"Yes Human, your race is harsh and repulsive, and this is why you should be sent straight to the dungeons."

We both turned our heads in surprise, only to see Mr. Stupid Captain glaring at me from the doorway.

“I know about your kind, I know about your violent behavior, and I know what they did to my sister before. Don’t you try to fool me because I know everything that happens in that rotten planet of yours!”

Oh, he was really asking for a good punch.

"Shut the fuck up you little fucker! Or I'll make your fucking little unicorn face rotten!" I gave him the finger, but I don't think he got the meaning, anyway.

"How do you dare?" He snorted. "I’m not another unicorn; I’m Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot - You ought to respect me, unless you are willing to suffer the wrath of my horn!" He slammed the floor with those ridiculously fluffy hooves of him.

"The 'wrath' of your horn? Pffffffft." I laughed. "Let me tell you something Captain, I will break this stupid horn of yours with my bare hands, and stick it right in your-"

“Stop this!"

Luna stepped inside the room with a look of disapproval directed at all of us, as If I was guilty of that shit.

“No one is going to the dungeons, and no one…” She glared me.

“...Is going to insert horns into anypony!”

That we’ll see.

“But princess, this creature is a threat to your safety, he has no manners, he could have-”

“Please Shining Armor, I already said he's not going anywhere. Besides, he is a Prince just like you. You should be friends.” She suggested, grinning mischievously at him.

“Yes, you heard her buddy - I’m a fucking prince now. You shouldn't go around talking to me this way, I married Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna of the night - and also of the castle of Canterlot, and of all Ponyland.”

“Shut up Richard!" She hit me with a wing.

I don’t usually kiss aliens, but let me tell ya' another thing; it's better to kiss a pony, than kiss a prison wall for the rest of your life!

Finally, Princess Luna managed to send the Shining Ass away, as so Doctor Silver. Now it was just me, her, and my headache.

By the windows I couldn't see much; there were bushes outside blocking most of the view, but I could still discern the night sky and the moon. Even after spending the entire day over that bed, I felt tired; tired of everything.

My body was sore and everything ached, I had traveled from Vegas to Ponyland, married a princess, had a concussion, and I couldn't remember a quarter of everything. It was frustrating to say at least.

I could easily say that the last 24 hours had been with no doubts, the most disturbing ones of my entire life.

“…Come on Luna, I just want to know how I reached this place. Is that asking too much?” She just giggled.

“Richard, I'll repeat again: I can’t possibly tell you how you came into this world, because I don't have the slightest idea. The only thing I can tell you, is what happened after your arrival.”

“Then say it dammit! How did we got married?” I urged for answers.

“You shall know it all soon. Don’t worry, I will show it personally - That's a promise." She said. "But for now just rest, please! You had a troubled day I presume, and I’m still having a very troubled night. My 'day' is just beginning.”

She leaned over the bed to nuzzle me, her velvety muzzle caressed my cheek. Luna's warm breath made me shiver. I had kissed many women before, but none of them had wings, horns, fur, or anything that resembled a pony.

It was odd, being so close to a creature that I barely knew, a creature from literally another world. Odder still was the lacking urge to run or avoid her touch; somehow it felt acceptable.

If my family could see me... I thought. I would surely hear some harsh words about bestiality, or my soul going down to hell. Or both.

To the hell with this! If hell exists, I already have a premium ticket.

Luna locked her lips with mine, I felt her hooves around my neck but I didn't backed away, almost unconsciously I pulled her closer.

It was strange to kiss something with a muzzle, but we managed to find a somehow comfortable position; that until I felt her tongue touching mine.

I was not prepared for french-kissing a pony. I don't think any human is.

But sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Or go to the dungeons.

It's harsh, I know.

I lowered my hands and touched something hard on her back, it was the muscular base of her wings, they were fully opened. I grabbed them delicately and pulled her chest closer to mine.

She gasped and parted the kiss, a small string of saliva still connecting our mouths.

“W-well…” I muttered.

I hadn't much to say after that.

“I h-have to go now. The night court will begin soon, and I can’t let my subjects awaiting.” She gave me a sheepish smile. Luna jumped from the bed and gave me a quick peck on my forehead.

“Rest for now, the answers will come. Good night Rick.”

“Ah, good night" I replied, confused. "Have a nice night court, whatever that is!” I added.

She chuckled, leaving the room.

You could think that being alone was a good thing; but it wasn't. When you’re alone you start thinking; and the sort of thoughts my mind formulated scared me.

Life was strange; two days ago I was preparing myself to flee from Las Vegas, hiding from my wife, from the mafia, hiding from myself. I had no money or a family who cared about me.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't enjoying the whole situation; in fact I don’t think anyone would like to be insulated from his entire world and kind; believe me, you can think that this escape would be the paradise; but it's not.

Here I was completely apart; there were no humans, no friends, and also no New York, Las Vegas, or Rio de Janeiro. There was nothing from my world I could relate, except me.

I was in Equestria for no more than two days and I hadn't enough time to take my own conclusions yet, still, even after all those incidents, I was intact - I had a home of sorts... And I had a… Princess?

I was in peace.

If I could go back to Earth, to my race, to my personal world and problems,

Would I really want to?