Author's Note

Huh, this one's about on time, I figured Pre-release would set me back an extra weekend. Anyway, likes and comments are appreciated, along with pointing out mistakes and bits that read weirdly.

Coat of Arms

Commandant Storm Crow had led me to a cavern under the Castle in Canterlot, through a twisting maze of tunnels and openings, many of which were covered in crystals of various sizes and colors. It was a quiet little hike, since I was taking in the sights and Crow was in full leadership mode, but still quite pleasant. Eventually we made it to a large cavern, and I stood near a crystal column as a few Guards talked quietly on the far side, and random other ponies milling about between us. Most of them where thestrals, but I did count three pegasi, a unicorn, and four earth ponies.

Ya'll need to think of a better name for earth ponies, because that's a stupid name. I vote we call them terrans, since it's basically the same name, but in a different language so it sounds less... mundane.

Really? That's what's going through your mind at a time like this? I'm literally in your head, and I can't make heads nor tails of how your brain processes information.

But you do have to admit I have a point.

While it may seem stupid to you, that's the name they chose for themselves, and if they're anything like their ancestors, they really don't give a damn what you think.

So yeah, I knew the other races could join, but I'm surprised there's four terrans here. If they're stronger than the ponies I'm used to, I'm going to have to find a way to heal bruises pronto, cause you ponies hit like a truck.

They are, indeed, the physically strongest of the races. But it looks like we're about to begin, so pay attention

Yes Mistress.

The group of Guards strode up to a little stage that looked like somebody buzzed the top of a giant ass stalagmite off. Once they were all situated, Crow stepped forward.

"Alright ponies, we know you're here to join the Lunar Guard, but this year's training is going to be slightly unique, and classified. So if anypony doesn't think they can keep a secret whether or not they make it through, I would like to ask you to leave. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this secret, we have conferred with the Princesses and they have agreed that anyone who breaks this vow of silence without permission from a superior will be tried for treason."

Finishing his starting statement, the stallion looked around for ponies that looked unwilling to comply. Seeing as none of them even glanced towards the exit, he continued.

"Since everypony seems determined to follow through, I'll explain what's going on. The human standing behind you, and I'm sure you've all noticed him, isn't exactly one of our humans, so to speak. All you need to know is he got into an accident with some portals and is stuck here now, for neither of the Princesses can send something back to a place they don't know where is. He's intelligent, even if he is unable to speak, though he can read and write Equestrian. On top of that, he'll be going through the training just as you are. Any questions?"

A lightly purple maned thestral spoke up immediately. "You've got to be kidding me, this human is really a state secret and is going to be training with us?"

"He is."

"And you expect us to believe he's not a normal human? I just thought he was somebody's pet runt."

The Commandant raised a brow at that, but I waved at him before I started writing.

"Turn around and look for yourself." His voice had a bit of a smile in it, almost like he knew what I was about to do.

That's because anypony with half a brain knows your about to insult this mare with as much color as you can.

Oi, McCunty, just because I'm prettier than your skank ass doesn't mean I'm stupid. Fortunately, I know a way to help you out. First, you need to find the biggest cactus you can. Then I'm going to need you to sit on it and do your best merry-go-round impression.

The mare's eyes widened as she read it, which quickly turned into a dark scowl as she understood what was said. "Why you ugly fucker! Stay there while I come and beat you to a pulp!"

"Enough!" The shout came from one of the guards up front, and I noticed it was a small unicorn mare in full armor. "If either of you take another step towards each other, I will personally beat the shit out of you, and then fail you. Is that clear?"

My new friend's eye twitched something fierce, but she went back to her original spot. "Yes Ma'am."

The angry unicorn was glaring at me, like she expected me to speak up. Wiping the board off right quick, I scribbled a response. As crystal, Ma'am.

"That's what I thought. Now, if anypony else has a problem, I shall kindly ask you to get your sorry asses out of my sight." Once again, nobody moved. "Good, now fall in behind me. Today I'll show you around. Tomorrow's your first day, and I'd hate for you to be late."

Apparently that cavern was a mood setter or something, because the rest of our tour was through an immaculately carved out military base, which ended in our dormitory. It was just one long room lined with bunk beds and trunks with an extra room full of toilets and showers. With twenty-seven of us and eighteen bunks, that meant five of us wouldn't have a bunk mate. Apparently ponies are big on the whole hierarchy thing, because as soon as our guide left, they started bickering over who was getting a bed to themselves. Looking at the lone clock on the wall that read twenty-one hundred, I set the time piece I was given to go off at five and dropped into the lower bunk nearest the door.

I wasn't going to call it an alarm, since it was basically just an egg-timer, but the Sarge said that a full rotation was an hour, and you could spin it up to twelve times. The oddest part was it was just a small wooden ball, with a visible seam and marks to show the original positioning.

Night Werda.

Sweet dreams Jack.

"Alright fillies! Up and at it!" Our Sergeant had returned, much earlier than the five in the morning I'd anticipated. Looking at the clock, it read oh-four hundred. "You've got ten minutes to get dressed and be ready at the field!"

Oddly enough, we still hadn't learned her name, but she appeared to be a dark yellow with a silver mane. For now I was rushing to get my clothes on, while the rest struggled to get into their uniforms. Unlike humans, these ponies rarely wore clothes, so the act of hastily getting them on was a struggle for most of them. In my jeans and shirt, I briskly made for the field, with the only terran male on my heels. No idea how it was the guy with no magic that got out of there so quickly, but that was another question for later.

Once we made it to the field, we stood in front of the sarge and crisply saluted. Well, his looked quite professional, while I was doing my best to imitate something I'd only ever seen. Sarge raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing as the rest of the class scrabbled onto the field.

"Well, my little rays of sunshine, it looks like a few of you were a little late. So as a reward you'll run two laps of the perimeter. Then you'll run two more for the outbursts between Lanky and the Beast."

Holding back a groan, I start jogging along with the rest of the class. The first lap was fine, if slightly tiring. The second reminded me that I'd gotten soft during college. The final lap had me panting for breath, though I managed to not get too far behind the main body of the group.

"That was a nice warm up, report to the cafeteria for breakfast and return afterwards. Dismissed."

So we made our way to the cafeteria, which seemed to serve multi-color mush, with a side of grass. Making my way to the chair nearest the door, I started poking at the supposed 'food'.

If this kills me, I'm haunting Storm Crow.

You'll be fine. Probably.

With that confidence boost, I chomped a mouthful of mush, and holy shit it was awful. It tasted like somebody put carrots, asparagus, onions, and eggplant in a blender. With the sad realization that it wasn't going to get better, and that I was going to need the food, I wolfed it down at record speeds. Taking the platter to the used tray window, the lunch lady-mare raised an eyebrow.

"You know, it's usually the hay that's gone and vitamin rich mush that's left."

I reached for my pad, and realized I didn't have it on me. So, with a shrug for both of us I just point at it and slide my finger across my throat.

"Can't eat it? How odd, though I can't say I know anything about humans, let alone alien ones. Have a good day, dearie." And with that dismissal, I made my way back towards the field.

What a nice lady, but I still can't tell ages between 'young' and 'old as dirt' with you ponies.

I'd guess she was just entering her middling years.

That's... surprisingly generic, actually.

Everypony needs a job to eat, you know.

Just the same as everywhere else in the multiverse, it would seem.

Having reached the field, I start to properly stretch. I seemed to be about the strength of the average unicorn, which means that while I was decently strong from farm work back home, in these parts I was almost on the puny side and would need every advantage I could take.

You definitely aren't as muscled as most of the male humans we've seen here.

It's not my fault, I'm very sure they're all on 'roids.

After a few minutes Sarge showed up, and I think she gave me an approving look. Or maybe she thought I was just trying to brown-nose her, who knows what's going on in that mare's mind. Not bothering to think on it more, I finished my stretching and started walking sedately in a circle. Before long, I returned to the ranks that were being formed.

"Alright fillies, it's blatantly obvious that none of you have any real endurance, so it's time to see what you think passes for fighting. Everypony pair off with the pony to your right. Human, you're with me."

Well fuck me sideways.

I believe she intends to.

Marching forward, I squared off with the Sarge.

"Now, you're going to do your best to beat the shit out of me, and I'm going to try and not smear your ass across the entire field. Is that clear?"

A quick salute followed me getting into the closest I've got to a ready stance. The normal fighting techniques hadn't worked for shit on Kemo, so the expectation for it to work here was low. Instead, a dive took me into grappling range as I tried to work something out. The Sarge wasn't having any of that, though, and she nailed me in the sternum, staggering me.

"Really? Do you have no idea how to fight? I was hoping you would show at least some sort of promise." The mare goaded me.

A slower approach was called for, one step at a time, and timing was everything. These ponies had seen a lot of things, but they probably hadn't seen some good ol' country-boy wrestlin'. Once I was within range, she struck again, and as the hit landed, the offending leg was hugged to my chest as the dirt rushed towards my back. A slight widening of the eyes was the only surprise betrayed as we fell together, and I scrambled to lock my legs across her back.

Fuck yeah! Take that!

You forgot she's a unicorn, didn't you?

What do you mean?

The Mistress decided to let me catch on the hard way, as a nearby rock had been lifted and bashed into my skull.

Fucking hell!

The bitch definitely did a number on me, the blood already beginning to drip freely from the blow. Hoping to break her concentration, I slammed the heel of my boot into what I hoped was her kidneys. The rock clattered to the ground, so apparently something had been hit. Grunting, the Sarge magicked the rock back up, but instead of kicking her again, I tried something a little more desperate. With her concentration split, I leaned forward so I could lock her leg under my arm while reaching for her horn. I did get a hold of it, which was good. The bad part was that the rock was already flying at me by the time I managed it, this time taking the hit on my cheek. The mare flexed a few times to see how secure my hold was, before speaking up.

"Well what would you know, the human might be able to defend himself from a rampaging puppy." And with that lovely praise, her horn burned brightly and she appeared standing two feet away. "But that's not really going to help against anypony that can actually fight, now will it? Now go run eight laps for that pitiful excuse of a fight!"

With a salute, I began my trek around the perimeter, trying to set a pace that wasn't slow enough to earn more laps.

You know, I think she might actually like you.

Really? I'm having a hard time seeing it, though it may just be the concussion.

I was wondering if your sight was supposed to be like that, but she could have just teleported out of your hold, but instead decided to test your reflexes and ability to adapt. If she hated you she probably would have just teleported above you and pinned you to the ground.

I guess that's one way to look at it.

By the time the laps were done, I was just barely able to get myself a bowl of food from the mess. This time the mush was a more earthy color and tasted like somebody had thrown potato peels into the blender with the rest, which increased the tastiness of it by about nothing.

After scarfing it down and successfully not throwing it back up, I made my way back to the dorm. Looking in, I realized every one else was just about to hit the hay, so I grabbed a quick shower and followed their example, setting my alarm for three forty-five, just to be safe.

This is going to be a long six months, isn't it?

Just improve at a rate faster than the increase in workload and you'll be fine.

How logical, Mistress. Night.

Good night.