It'd been three months since the start of training, and the ranks of fellow hopefuls had been decimated. Along with myself, there was two terrans, all three pegasi, and the unicorn along with eight of the thestrals. Drill Sergeant Peppersmoke had us in top physical condition, and after the first two weeks we had begun classes in combat, tactics, and the intricacies of the laws we were to uphold.

Sitting off to the side during one of the five minute breaks Sarge gave us, my favorite duo arrived. The mare that'd been vehemently opposed to me being here from the start was surprisingly just as vehement now. Her friend, on the other hand, was a darker shade than she was, and didn't appear to actually give a damn. Not that I expected her to be on my side if fists started flying.

"Tired little human? You should just do us all a favorite and go back to your pen so the Sergeant can actually challenge us without worrying about killing you. After all, nopony wants to get in the way of the Commandant's little project, even if it is stupid."

Without my board, which broke about two months ago during a surprise obstacle course run, I was short on ways to reply eloquently, so I flipped her the bird as I got up and started walking back to the gathering point.

"You and your creepy finger bullshit again, maybe I should break them for you." The mare sweetly told my retreating form.

You're holding your anger surprisingly well, though I'm not sure if it is good for your well-being.

It's not, but I'm not going to win two against one. I also don't want to hurt her friend, who's only current sin is having a shitty taste friends.

You're worried about her friend when you don't even think you could win the fight?

I said I couldn't win the fight, I never said I'd take a beating laying down.

"Alright maggots! Time for another run through The Grinder, and the two out last have to run it again, and the one who loses that gets kitchen duty for the next week!" Peppersmoke's rough voice ended our conversation as I scrambled towards the course.

"So can anypony tell me why Captain Barrier's defense against the horde of minotaurs was successful?" Lieutenant Shard asked us.

"It's because he had the earth ponies construct tunnels underneath the battlefield before they arrived, and then used them for night attacks during the siege, and to close the pincer maneuver during the final battle." The terran mare replied, Cherry Snap if I remembered correctly.

"Exactly. The newly built town of Baltimare would have been overrun if not for his brilliant and unorthodox battle plan. Now that we know of the battle where the soon to be Captain earned his first Medal of Valor, we'll learn of his next major victory against the Gryphon Legion."

"Alright ponies, you're not maggots any more, but you're sure as hell not Lunar Guards yet. So instead of running you through The Grinder again today, I thought I'd let you know we're going to take a hike tomorrow."

"Yes Ma'am!" Was the group response.

"Good. We leave out in the morning, go get packed." And with that we scrambled to gather all of the supplies we needed.

I got a feeling about this one, and if this hike is anything less than 20 miles I'll be surprised.

I'm sure it's just going to be a nice and relaxing hike through the Whitetail Woods.

And I'm the Mad Hatter.

That's the spirit!

The next day we waited outside of the caves, and the early morning sun was blinding after being underground for so long. The thestral's had their eyes screwed shut and were muttering about something off to the side, probably variations of the same curses I was throwing Celestia's way. The clattering of wheels got our attention and a small fleet of carriages stopped in front of us.

"Alright, load up ponies, we're in for a long ride!" Peppersmoke yelled at us as she stepped into the lead carriage.

The carriages lifted off and we flew past a small town and into a rather dark looking forest, and I hadn't missed the looks of trepidation on our remaining non-threstral ponies.

This is a fucking haunted forest of monsters, isn't it?

That's one way to describe the Everfree Forest. You've got the basics of the forest, but you forgot about the wild magic and weather that also plagues it.

Fucking wonderful, I'm starting to wish I had a real knife.

You have three standard issue knives on you.

And they're all toothpicks. Seriously, who makes the standard issue knife for your army anything less than eight inches long?

I am not well versed in the martial combats, so I have no idea how or why that's important.

"Alright everypony! Each carriage is going to drop in a different spot, and all you have to do is make it to Ponyville within the week. If you don't think you're up to it, the carriages will take you back and you will be immediately dropped. Best of luck and don't die!" Sarge yelled to us before the carriages broke away from each other and started to find places to land.

The carriage landed in the forest, and I hopped out along with the two terrans that had occupied it with me.

"I don't suppose either of you brought a map, did you?" The male, Solid Strike, asked us.

"There isn't one for the Everfree, they all just show the surrounding area." Cherry Snap answered, while I shook my head.

"In that case, I say we just head east, and we'll hit the edge of the forest eventually."

"Probably the best way to go about it."

The ponies pulled out their compasses and started marching east, trusting me to follow. The dark forest clawed at us with bare branches and thorns as we made our way, but nothing jumped us for hours as we walked and dusk approached. Without a trail the undergrowth hampered our speed, but we seemed to be making pretty good time as we chanced upon a clearing. It wasn't big, roughly twenty feet across with soft grass and some flowers. Speeding up, I tap Solid on the back as I work my slate out of my pocket.

"Yeah Jack?"

I think we should set up camp here, it'll be harder for something to sneak up right on top of us.

"That's not a bad point, watcha think Cherry?"

"Sounds better than walking through the Everfree at night. I'll check the perimeter and grab some wood with Jack, dig up a fire pit for me Solid."

"Yes Ma'am." The stallion replied with a crisp salute.

Shrugging our packs off, we began our walk as Solid went to work. The walk wasn't a long one, and we chanced upon a split limb that would serve us well throughout the night when combined with larger sticks we'd found. Solid had worked quickly on the camp, as he had made a pit and set up his and Cherry's tents.

"Good job. Grab a bite and get some sleep." The mare told as as she began piling kindling into the pit. "I'll wake Jack up for second watch, and then you can take third."

Nodding our agreement, we ate in silence before Solid went to his tent. Looking to the sky, I took a chance and just rolled my pack out. The forest might have been a little on the creepy side, but the view through the opening in the canopy was gorgeous. Smiling contentedly, I decided to talk to his favorite voice in my head.

So how've you been?

I've been doing quite well, and I believe I'll be able to acquire a body of my own once your training is over.

Really? Fucking sweet! Not that I mind having you in my head, but I'm glad that you'll gain some actual freedom.

It will be nice to feel again.

You know, I just realized we don't actually talk that much.

I believe it's because we don't have much in common, I'm an ancient and powerful being while you're a young stallion.

That's true, the thought just struck me as weird.

Weird is one way to describe our relationship.

My mind was filled with our laughter as I got comfortable and drifted off to the land of dreams.

As we were walking among the trees the second day, Cherry stopped and sniffed the air, her ears flicking back and forth at high alert.

"We're not alone, eyes open everypony." She whispered.

Pulling out our weapons, we slowly walked forward. Cherry had a shortsword, while Solid had a rather large hammer. Looking down at my sadly small knife, I swap it to my left hand as I grab my hatchet instead. Treading carefully, we continue through the forest as a quiet rustling begins to surround us. It sounded a lot like wind blowing through the trees, but this deep in the forest there was no wind. Fortunately, we didn't have to wait long. When the hunters realized they'd lost the element of surprise, they sprung from behind trees all around us.

"Timberwolves!" Solid helpfully yelled out in warning as at least ten of the creatures jumped out at us.

Solid and Cherry immediately began to guard each other's back, leaving me in a bit of bind as I backed up to a tree as three of the beasts ended up in front of me.

I'm going to have to have a serious chat with whoever the fuck's in charge of this world. I don't mind the occasional pun-fest, but timberwolves that are literally made of timber? This is some fucking bullshit.

You should be more worried about them wanting to eviscerate you than about what they're called.

My reply was cut short as one lunged at me, only for it's face to become acquainted with my hatchet. Hopping back with a snarl, it growled at me through the blood-sap dripping from the gash in its muzzle. The other two, meanwhile, had flanked my sides. Cherry let out a triumphant shout, which distracted the wolves for the split second I needed to stab at the one to my left, making a neat little hole just below it's nose.

Once again paying attention to me, the snarling trio began to stalk closer. Looking about in desperation, I realized my only chance was up. With a jump, I barely manage to clamber up the limb, glad that the leather of my boot was up to the task of repelling the snapping maws. With the wolves pacing below me, I had the chance to see how the terrans were doing. They'd drifted further away, but only four of the initial seven wolves surrounded them.

The unharmed wolf turned to help take out the ponies, which was a bad idea as I still had two extra knives in my boots, so wasted no time in throwing the one in my hand into it's back. It didn't quite land center, but it sunk up to the guard, and the wolf howled it's pain before scampering off. Reaching for one of the spares, I take aim and throw it at the wolf directly below me, though it was dodged with contemptuous ease.

Looking back at the ponies, Solid shattered another of the enemies, his war hammer annihilating the beast in a shower of detritus. This time, the wolf I'd poked began to walk away, keeping an eye on me as it went to help it's pack against the obviously stronger foes. By this point the other injured wolf had returned and the odds had evened out, two wounded versus an unarmored opponent up a tree.

Alright, time to put my plan into action!

It's a stupid and reckless plan. You know that, right?

She didn't even get to finish calling me an idiot before I jumped off my branch, aiming to land on the foe below me. It turns out the sticks weren't just an aesthetic thing, the damn things were literally made of them. So while the creature was thoroughly crushed under my bulk, a few sticks still managed to scrape and stab at me. Growling from the pain, my eyes lock with the remaining wolf. And then it's shattered into oblivion as a warhammer sails through it and leaves a sizable dent
in the tree behind it.

"Good job team. Solid, Jack, any injuries?" Cherry asks, the smile on her face at odds with the directness of her leading style.

"Couple scratches and a bite on my shoulder that probably needs looking at." Solid replied as he retrieved his hammer.

Holding up a hand, I begin looking to see if anything actually got me. Got a nasty looking gash on my ribs, the rest aren't worth messing with.

"Alright. Keep an eye open Jack, I'm going to patch Solid up first." I give her a quick salute as I begin to patrol the perimeter.

The third day had been unnaturally quiet, and we were on edge the entire time, waiting to be ambushed. Nothing came as we slept during the night, and during the fourth morning's breakfast Cherry informed us we should be nearing the edge of the Everfree, though without knowing our exact location we might end up in the Whitetail. Some kind of insects were buzzing about, which helped take the edge off from yesterday's silence as we trudged along, hoping against hope that the wolves would be the biggest challenge we had to face.

As we ate a late lunch, the sound of the underbrush being trampled caught our attention. It sounded big, and anything confident enough to crash around like that was bad news. The ponies immediately jump up and grab their weapons, their ears swivelling towards the sound.

"Solid, on me. Jack, climb that tree and try and get a drop on it."

Apparently taking the role of ambush predator, I climb up to one of the lower sets of branches. Not too long after, the reason as to why the creature didn't care about making noise became obvious, as it was a chimera. Ferocious lion head, goat body, and a fucking rattlesnake growing out it's ass.

The fuck is wrong with this place? Most of the ponies seem to be fucking hippies while they've got these ugly fuckers roaming about.

Calm yourself, you need to focus on not being killed. Preferably while keeping those two alive.

The monster spotted the ponies and roared out a challenge, with it's tail hissing one of it's own as well. Without further warning, it charged at a speed that such a large creature should not move at. Seeing as it was coming my way, I dropped down, hoping to catch it off guard. A small gash from my hatchet was all I managed, and now I was staring down a giant snake with some hooves as backup. I'd been kicked more than enough to be wary of anything to do with the rear hooves of an animal. The snake curled up in a hissing pile of nope, then lunged at me with blinding speed.

While it's attack was obvious, it was still too fast and instead of hitting it with the hatchet, it was ripped from my hand as the serpent bit down on it. Pulling a spare knife out of my boot, I keep my eyes locked on it, because at this point I'm hoping to just distract it long enough for the ponies to take care of the front half.

If you have a suggestion, I'm all ears.

Unfortunately, any magic I could use to kill it would kill you. If you are truly desperate, I could try and spark the chaos magic inside of you.

And what exactly would that do? I ask as the snake lunges, forcing an ungraceful dive to the side.

I have no idea, it's chaos magic.

Fuck it, poke it real good.

She doesn't reply as she prods the lump of chaos. For a moment, I felt an intense heat well up inside of me, and before a scream could escape the snake surged towards me again. Except it never made contact as I exploded just as it's maw wrapped around me, adding to the bits of red flying everywhere.

"JACK!" Cherry screams as she surges towards the lion head, slashing and hacking in pure rage.

Not to be outdone, Solid also increased the fervor of his attacks. Between the two furious ponies in front of it, and its tail being shredded the beast was overwhelmed. Roaring in pain and anger, the beast pounded a trail deeper into the forest.

"Oh Celestia, Jack, what happened to you?" The mare was in a near panic state as she looked around and saw the gore.

Both of the ponies were turning a sickly shade as a glow surrounds the area, revealing all of the details. Forming the shape of a human, some of the surroundings slowly flow to it, filling it in to the horror of the two ponies watching. Before long my body had recollected itself, and I was laying there in a daze as my brain tried to process my out-of-body experience and death.

The first thing that flows into my ear is a... concerned sounding whinny? Looking over at Cherry, she neighs while looking confused.

"Well this is bullshit, and how the hell am I still alive?"

My companions are staring at me slack-jawed, not completely sure they believe anything that's happened so far.

Well that was certainly unexpected.

"Which bit Werda, the part where I exploded, or the part where I'm alive?"

Both, and also the part where you're talking.

"Well that's nice, but why are they looking at me like I've grown an extra head and a tail?"

Because you're not speaking Equuish, the only reason I can understand you is because I'm literally in your head.

"Fuck."

Oh, and you're also naked, thought you might want to know.

"Fucking hell." I grumble as I begin searching around for my things while the ponies try and recover their wits. By the time they'd managed it I'd managed to scavenge enough material to make the world's worst kilt and the combat knife, which had embedded itself three inches deep into the nearest tree.

Cherry said something, and it was all horse noises. Solid apparently replied, but more horse noises.

"Well, you can understand them, right? The hell are they saying?" My question is met with more horse noises, which is starting to get old considering I could understand them not ten minutes ago.

They're rather confused, they just thought you were a science experiment, and now they realize you're an alien. The conversation isn't really going anywhere, just a bunch of hysteria about what an alien is doing on Equestria.

"That's reassuring, I don't suppose there's a way to bridge the language barrier? "

No, since I'm now certain the knot of chaos magic that was within you was responsible for your ability to communicate. The magic is still apart of you, but now it's spread throughout your entire body.

"So the magic's diluted, which means all the enchantment bullshit's fucked?"

That's a crude way to put it, but yes.

"Alright then, guess we better hurry up and get back so that we can figure something out." I turned and waved at the mildly panicking ponies. "Come on, let's get this over with."

While confused at first, once I started walking they figured out and Cherry lead the way. Surprisingly, the attack happened within a two hour walk of the edge of the forest, which didn't seem very far in to me, but apparently the Everfree's all evil monsters and chaos. The hour after that we were getting checked out by the doctors in Ponyville's Royal Guard facility, and much to my displeasure it became apparent they hadn't been briefed on me. The bastards kept whinnying at me after every test, and then placed me in solitary confinement after I told them I'd shove my foot up their ass if they tried to stick me with the gigantic needle one of the nurses pulled out. Fortunately Cherry had my back and kept them from trying anything, so I managed to get some shuteye before whatever was coming tomorrow.

The next morning saw the arrival of Sarge, who snorted rather aggressively when the others stopped telling her what happened, but she motioned for the three of us to follow. Outside we loaded into the awaiting chariot and the team headed towards the giant castle in the distance.

So, any idea what's going on?

From what I've heard, he Commandant has asked the Princess to get a translation spell working for you.

That's kind of him, I hope it works.

The return to Canterlot had been rather quiet, all things considered, and they apparently wanted me to stay out of sight of the general populace until further notice. So while the wait continued, I had the run of the castle and opulent room to seclude myself in. After getting lost the first day and not even being able to communicate, or even read, the room was looking quite cozy. And with nothing to do it was also very boring. Fortunately a knock on the door brushed away the boredom and Princess Luna walked in with Crow trailing behind her.

A few whinny-grunt-neighs came from Luna, which Werda helpfully translated.

They're actually at a dead end, and are hoping that I can actually understand you, because if not then the spell is worthless. All of the normal attempts at translation is worthless, of course, the difference in speech between you and our world is just too much.

Nodding, I give Luna a thumbs up, which hopefully means the same thing over here. With a declaration, she begins channeling magic through her horn, waiting a few minutes until the shine of it is casting our shadows against the wall. The lance of blue magic burns on impact, and a migraine sets in without a hint of warning. Once the magic finally dissipates, I look curiously at the two ponies.

"Well, did it work?" My mouth's dry, but the words manage to tumble out.

"Shouldn't we be able to understand him, Your Highness?"

"We should indeed, Commandant. This is most discouraging."

So they can't understand you, that's an interesting development. Huffing at Werda's remark, I stalk over to the desk and grab my pen and pad, much to the ponies confusion.

I can understand you.

"It would seem that we've managed to at least return everything to status-quo, excellent work Princess Luna."

"Thank you, though I was sure it would translate his speech as well." Luna turned towards the door, "Fare thee well, unfortunately I have other matters to which I must attend."

We both saluted as she left the room, before looking back to each other.

So what now?

"Just stay here for now, since training won't resume until Monday."

Alright. Thanks for this Storm.

"Anything for a friend, Jack. Though, I also have a mountain of paperwork to do, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go start a fire."

And with that, I was alone. With nothing better to do, and the silent singing of sirens serenading me, I collapse unto the exquisitely comfortable bed. Then, a stray thought hits me.

"Wait, what day is it?"

Author's Note

Well holy fuckballs I couldn't really get the ball rolling to write this one to save my life. I blame video games. As it happens, we're getting close to the end, only another chapter or so. After that, I may write a few journal entries, we'll see how it goes.