The excitement from our little jaunt in the Everfree had died down, along with knocking our trainee count down to seven. Not that the resident bitch had the grace to drop out, and as she passed me in the mess, she just happened to knock me off balance.

"Oh, sorry about that. Here, let me help you." Comet Streak exclaimed, her voice sickeningly sweet.

"Fuck off."

"That's the spirit, you adorable little human!" Was her reply as she picked everything up and tried to subtly drop something into my drink. "Here you go, have a nice day."

I don't suppose you know what she's trying to slip me, do you?

I'm not sure, I didn't get a good look.

Well then, let's find out.

Don't be... She didn't have a chance to finish, as I took a small sip of my water.

Why the fuck is she putting salt and sugar in my drink?

So that you'll be drunk and out of sorts during training later.

You can get drunk off salt and sugar?

I think the sugar was to hide the taste, but salt is a mild intoxicant.

Noticing the bitch herself glancing at me, I took another swig, and I could see the shine in her eyes from across the room.

She really is a fucking moron. But, as it stands, I believe I can turn this to my advantage.

"Today's going to be a special day for you recruits, because not only am I going to run you into the ground, but some of the weapon experts from the Guard have come to start advanced lessons for your preferred weapons." We all stood still at the noise, as we'd been trained, but the excitement was palpable as a weapons rack was wheeled out, full to bursting with an assortment of wooden weapons. "So while the other instructors watch, you lot are going to beat the shit out of each other with some training weapons in a nice little free for all. You have five minutes to choose your weapon."

The other recruits scrambled towards the rack, and someone had the presence of mind to actually make sure everyone had a copy of their preferred beatstick. Which left me to figure out which one I wanted, out of the small variety that was left. There were swords and polearms of various kinds, though none of them felt right in my hands, so in the end I picked up a staff. The thing was only about four feet long, but without any previous martial arts training it's not like it was going to be used as intended anyway.

As we scattered away from the rack, we heard a shrill whistle start the fight. In a complete and utter twist that no one would ever see coming, McBitchTits and her friend made a beeline for me, both of them bearing wingblades. Comet reached me first, trying to overwhelm me with a flurry of slashes as Deft Ward circled around to flank me. The onslaught was dizzying, but I always managed to get the stick between me and her strikes, even if my defense was starting to look like a bad imitation of a propeller. As my defense continued to hold, her glare hardened.

I believe she's figured out that you are not drunk.

Eyup

Noticing that Deft was almost upon me, I dove straight at Comet. The ensuing tangle of limbs wasn't pretty and she almost threw me off at one point, but leverage was on my side my arms wrap around her throat. Keeping the wingblades in mind, the staff was soon placed above her wing joints, protecting my arms. Or, at least, that was idea. Ignoring the staff, she swung at me, hitting with enough force that the bruising started seconds after contact. More importantly, the leverage and the force behind the swing caused her wing to come out of it's socket with a sickening pop that caused her to start screaming bloody murder.

"Jack, Comet! You're both out! Medic!" Peppersmoke yelled, and a medic appeared from somewhere and was helping out Comet. "Ten laps for both of you this evening!"

The mare continued watching the other recruits, grumbling something about stupid recruits. My contemplation as to what to do next was interrupted by a one of the trainers approaching me. He kind of looked like a zebra that had dyed the white parts of its coat a light grey, only some of which was visible through his armor.

"I must say, while you did okay against your opponent, your form with a staff is horrendous." The stallion told me with a smile.

Laughing, I snag my chalkboard from a pocket. That's because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I'm normally more of a brawler type, but my gauntlets haven't come in yet, so I picked the only weapon that was almost sized for me.

"You were going to try and use it as a sword, weren't you?"

Got it in one, but figured I'd just go with the flow since both of them were coming.

"Do you wish to learn to use the staff? The reach advantage you would have with a staff sized for you would be quite impressive."

No thanks, an armored human with a staff would draw less attention as one with a sword, but still more than just an armored human. Thanks for the offer though! And the name's Jack. I finish scribbling and hold a fist out.

"Not a problem Jack, and I'm Kayle. Nice to meet you, though since my expertise doesn't appear to be needed today, I'm going to go finish up my latest project." He replied as he bumped the offered fist with a hoof. "Have a nice day, I'll likely see you at some point in the future."

Giving a farewell wave as he walked away, my attention was drawn back to the racket from wooden weapons smashing into each other. In the end, the last two ponies standing were Cherry Snap and Deft Ward. The battle was fierce, wind singing off of their blades as they pried at the other's defenses. Jabs, slashes, backhands, parries, ripostes, and more techniques I didn't have a name for were used. The fighting may have gone on for another hour, but a quick flick of her sword moved both weapons out of effective range. Instead of retreating and putting the match back at parity, the quick-witted terran slammed her head forward into the thestral's face, knocking the already off-balanced mare to the ground with a grunt of pain.

"Good job on the win Cherry." Peppersmoke told the mare, "Most of you put up a good fight, so now a trainer shall come and tell you what you need to improve on. After you're done with that, you're done till tomorrow. Dismissed!"

I was still off to the side as the trainers all went to their prospective students when a familiar voice called out.

"So you haven't dropped out or died yet, good job."

"And you're sense of humor is as lovely as ever Kemo."

That was met with an eyebrow doing it's damnedest to disappear into her mane. "So you can talk now? You should probably work on your Equestrian, though, since it currently sounds like you're doing rude things to the pet dog."

And you guys sound like horses, which was rather obvious in hindsight. But yeah, I had a mild accident that fucked with the chaos magic, so now I can speak, but you guys sound like horses. The Princess has a pendant for me until a better translation solution comes up. Though I'm still not sure how you can read English.

"It just looks like our runic alphabet to me. It's been slowly falling out of favor over the last century or so, but most can still read it."

To be completely honest, the random little perks like that are likely the chaos magic in effect, so the less you think about it, the better it should work.

The voice in my head says to ignore it, and it hasn't lead me astray yet.

"Yeah, I read the report about your cherry-bomb impersonation."

Low blow Lady, low blow.

"So how's the combat training going?" The mare gracefully changed the subject.

Well, I'm learning how you ponies fight. The difference in strength is a pain in the ass, but I'm working on it.

"You did say you grew up on a farm right?"

It was more of a ranch. Why?

The mare's next words worked their way through a smirk. "I'm just curious how a stallion raised on farm work would have trouble being stronger than non-earth ponies. Are your humans just that weak?"

That time of the month, huh? You need to get laid.

We glared daggers at each other for a full beat, before I ruined it by laughing. The tinkling laughter coming from the pony confirmed that she'd lost it as well. Once the laughter calmed down, a hoof struck my shoulder.

"I have to admit that I've grown to miss your impudence. It's a nice change of pace from the frightened stammering and prayers against evil."

Evil? I know some of you ponies are just as fucked in the head as some humans, but you're all fucking adorable. Which makes it hilarious when random ponies try to 'entice' me. The only thing that's managed sultry so far was Rose, and I'm pretty sure she was cheating.

"So your criteria for sleeping with a mare is 'not ugly'?"

I mean, at first that's pretty much it. I've been blessed with the chance to follow in Captain Kirk's footsteps, and I'm not going to let him down!

"Captain Kirk? Dare I even ask?"

You just did! He's the captain of space ship from an old tv show who had a habit of fucking just about any alien that'd let him. Of course, as a show it was only implied, but the point still stands.

"You humans are fucking weird, you know that?"

I think I'd forgotten since the last time you reminded me.

"Then you're welcome for reminding you." Pausing to look at a nearby clock, she sighed. "Sadly, I believe I've run out of time."

An almost imperceptible squeak came from the bundle of soft that I had suddenly wrapped my arms around.

"Take care, Kemo."

"You know I can't understand you, but look after yourself."

Sitting her back down, I gave a nod as we parted ways once again.

"Alright everypony, you've finally managed to get passed the hard part. The six of you have managed to pass against all odds. This last month will just be polishing and learning your roles during ceremonies. Dismissed."

Standing along with me were Solid Strike, Cherry Snap, Deft Ward, Comet Streak, and the light blue unicorn who's named turned out to be Skylight. At the dismissal, the group made our way back to the barracks. After a quick shower to wash away the sweat and grime, I began a quest for something greasy and fried.

While at first the place had seemed to be nothing more than a Lunar Guard bastion, it was really a thriving little town that was connected to Canterlot by elevators. We had come back through them after our Everfree training, and the contrast between going in and coming out was rather dramatic. Above were mostly unicorns, with terrans and pegasi making up the rest, though definitely the minority. Below, on the other hand, was a menagerie of species.

Why were you even surprised? I'm sure you had seen these species before.

But not in these kinds of numbers, and minotaurs are fucking huge.

Just don't insult them, their family, or their fighting spirit.

Can I make fun of the pink one?

You could, yes. You'll also get the choice between beheading or hanging.

That feels like a bit much for asking if you can milk them for strawberry milk.

Why... What..? I swear I'll never understand how mortal's minds work.

If it makes you feel better, most of us don't either. People with Psych degrees have a tendency to not go anywhere.

I'm just going to take a break from your personal brand of insanity, I think there's some college students sleeping who's minds I haven't scoured.

Oh, have fun with that. I think? That doesn't sound like something a person with any morality would do.

The mare didn't answer, so apparently she was already gone. On the bright side, the smell of something deep fried in grease was wafting it's way toward me. A rumbling growl echoed from my belly and the hunt was on. Every nook and cranny was searched, even a few residential houses were accidentally trod upon in the search for the amazing smell, much to the owner's dismay. One lady even had the gall to scream, then proceed to chase me from the property with a broom! Ears ringing from sonic assault of the thestral lady earlier, the goal began to take the shape of a small bar packed down an alley between two run down buildings.

The only identification was a sign above the door showing a simple tankard and the building number across the aged wooden door. With the sound of well oiled hinges, the the single room came into view, filled with mismatched chairs and tables, with a small stage in the back corner and the bar stretching across the rest of the back wall. A few ponies were about, mostly keeping to themselves and eating on the food that was creating the most beautiful aroma. Behind the bar, however, was a grizzled looking gryphon, and upon a closer scrutiny there was another pair near the bar, along with a minotaur.

"Here for Peppersmoke's food, are you?" The barkeep had noticed me, and was waving me over. "Now be a good boy and take this to her, she gets all pissy if her food shows up cold."

The gryphon's voice was deep and gravelly, and he sounded like he was ordering a pet to roll over. Figuring he wasn't particularly malicious, but unaware of the special little snowflake that I am, I took the bag and walked away. I'd have to come back and get myself something at some point. Maybe order a steak, since I've heard gryphons were omnivores too.

The walk back involved dodging foals trying to climb up me while ignoring their parents and making sure the Sarge's food wasn't poisoned. There was a variety of deep fried vegetables, including brussel sprouts of all things. A few of the guards gave me an odd look as I started into the training compound, but didn't stay distracted for long as the quest for Peppersmoke's quarters began. Stopping the nearest guard, I pull out my notepad and scrawl a question.

Can you point me to wherever Sgt. Peppersmoke is? Apparently I have her dinner.

"Her office is over in the administration building. Leave from the front door and walk right, you'll run right into it. The room you're looking for will be down the first hall on your left, and about halfway down you'll see the door with her name on it."

Thanks, have a good one.

Like most of the compound, the administration building wasn't a work of art to write home about. The only hints of decoration was the dark blue walls that appeared to have soft stars scattered on them, though they were so faint that they had to be consciously looked for, but everything else about it was absolutely spartan. Off to the left was the hallway the guard mentioned, and further along the office with a brass plaque that I swiftly knock on.

"Come in."

Opening the door, I swiftly sit her food with a flourish. Taking a step back, I give a bow while trying to hide the shit eating grin I'm wearing.

"Bon apetit, Madam."

The Mare just huffs as she starts pulling the food out. Looking the order over, her eyes suddenly snap to me with a piercing gaze. "I'm missing one of everything, and two fries. If I don't hear a good reason your ass is going to be running laps until you puke it up!"

I was making sure it wasn't poisoned?

"Wrong answer, bucko. Try again."

I had to make sure it was up to your standard.

The glare somehow became even more piercing, and cold enough to freeze a Canadian's balls off.

Delivery fee, considering I was sidetracked from acquiring my own supper to deliver yours.

"That is... acceptable. Next time, make the old bird cook you something up instead, or I will run you ragged."

Yes Ma'am. I do have to ask though, what the hell's up with the deep fried brussel sprouts? That shit ain't right, and I'm from a place where they deep fry ice cream.

"They taste good, why else?"

If you say so sarge. Need me for anything else?

"No, go along and stay out of trouble, if I hear you've been terrorizing the neighborhood I shall be high displeased with you."

Does prior engagements count for this? I think I might have startled some poor mare while tracking down that bar.

The mare gave a sigh. "What did you do?"

I thought I was taking a shortcut, but it kind of ended up being her kitchen.

"In that case you're not allowed back outside until I say otherwise, now leave me in peace." Saluting smartly, I made my way out of the door.

The trip to the mess was rather boring after the day's events, but it was winding down and the nice mares managed to sneak me something edible. With a full belly I trudge my way back to my bed, aiming to get some extra sleep to help against whatever the sarge has planned for tomorrow.

Author's Note

I've realized I have a tendency to write three-part sentences, which is not only kind of weird when I think about it, but I have no idea why. Also, holy fuck guys I'm terrible at this, I kept getting stuck and didn't have the willpower to struggle through most nights. In my usual fashion, I've managed to write most of this chapter over the last couple of days while feeling tired, which somehow makes writing easier...

Thanks for coming along this far! Feel free to point out any errors or inconsistencies I may have missed due to self editing.