Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

I awoke with stiff muscles to the sight of Kemo at full alert.

?

Seeing that I was awake, she pointed both ears at the door, flicking the right one twice before she lightly made her way slightly inside of the bathroom that flanked the other side of the entry. I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but in the situation I nodded and readied myself for whatever was going to happen. It wasn't a long wait, I heard the doorknob jangle and then the door slowly opened.

Both of the ponies that swept in had light clothes covering them, covering any distinguishable marks, except the daggers they held in their mouths, those were quite obvious and distinguishable. They paused slightly when they realized the bed was empty, which was all the opening Kemo needed to strike one in the temple with her hoof. Reacting with nowhere near the speed she had, I still managed ram my shoulder into the second one's ribs, causing him to gasp and drop his weapon before meeting the same fate as his comrade.

"Good job, I had it under control, but it's nice to know you're not useless."

I looked at her aghast. Me? Useless in a fight? No well in hell I'd ever let myself be useless in a fight!

"Once we get back to the cabin we'll need to have a sparring session so I can figure out how true that is." Ke'mot said with a smile. A very sadistic smile that chilled me straight to the core.

I thought there'd be a trial before the sentence, oh well.

"I need a plan, so it won't last long. And besides, I'm sure you'll make great bait."

My eyes rolled at that one. Can we at least stop by Frosty's so that I can have my knife for this terrible adventure we're about to embark on? I feel naked without it. She glared at me real hard this time.

"You expect me to let you wander about with a weapon? What kind of idiot do you take me for?"

Shrugging, I replied. I had it with me during the entire first visit, it's not my fault you didn't check my pockets.

"I'll be keeping my eye on you, you're too clever by half, while at the same time being too stupid by magnitudes."

True, but we should probably do something about these two before we continue our little verbal dance.

"Tie that one up while I get this one, we'll stop by the local Guard station and have them take care of it."

A blink of the eye later and we had two nice little piggies trussed up, thankful that it was an earth pony and pegasus, since an unicorn would have been irksome to keep tied if they awoke. Double checking them herself, the mare nodded and started down the stairs, so I followed as she pulled her hood up. At the bar, she tossed some bits down and acquired two rather large chocolate chip muffins, one of which she handed to me. Munching happily on such a fine treat, she led us to the nearest guard station, where a flash of something silvery looking got the guards strict attention and a detachment at the same time we did.

In a walk that's becoming depressingly familiar, we made our way back to Kemo's cabin, which was exactly the same as the last time I'd seen it. Sliding her bags off on the porch, she motioned me over into the grass.

"Now, come at me with what you've got, and if you land a solid hit I might even start to respect you."

Grinning, I wrote my response to the bold challenge and tossed it on the ground to the side. Respect eh? I do like some respect every now and then.

Squaring off with her, I began to study her stance. All four legs planted, though lightly so that she could move in an instant. Really, it wasn't much different than how she normally stood if you ignored the look in her eyes, which promised pain. Knowing it was a bad move, but not wanting to wait all morning I send a quick jab with my left at her, which she bats away easily. A raised eyebrow got her reaction across perfectly, so I send another left jab at her, and when she bats it wide I swing with it in an attempt to knee her. Of course, the mare was having none of that and with a sidestep and a sweep of a wing, I'm flat on my back.

"That's not going to fly, pretty boy," the guard tells me as her hoof is on my chest. "Let's try again."

Nodding, I get back to my feet. After a moment, this time it's her turn to go on the offensive. Using her wings, she charges me, catching me in the gut before I can react, ducking back while landing a soft hit on my knee on the way out. Realizing exactly how outclassed I was, I go on the defensive against the flurry of hits that come my way while weakly probing her defenses. Finally, I see a hit coming in for my gut, taking it with a grunt, I slam a fist into her chest.

"Enough." The mare says as she steps back. "You're not great, but you could probably hold your own against a thief or two, though I wouldn't advise letting an earth pony hit you."

In response I shrugged, it's not like fighting tiny quadrupeds was something I've ever done.

"So, the plan is to try and get you to the boss, and then you'll just listen in and report back to me once you have the information I need to arrest her, any questions?"

Picking up my pad, I scribble. So, about that respect? And the plan, I'd like to hear it at least.

"Well, I don't despise you anymore, so you've got that going for you. As for the plan, one of the few things I've heard about the guild master is that she has a harem full of... 'unique' humans."

So you're going to try and get me into that harem, that's your plan?

"Yes."

You do realize that if she rapes me or something, I'm killing her in her sleep, right?"

"That would be an unfortunate outcome, but I'm sure I could keep the Guard from putting you down."

Smiling, I write the final bit down before extending my hand. Then we have an accord.

She took my hand, giving a shake. "Now that we know that plan, how about some supper?"

Nodding, I follow her inside and take a seat at the table while she goes about making a quick vegetable stew. After an hour so of peaceful silence, the mare mare returns to the pot and ladles a pair of bowls full, setting one in front of me. Giving it a taste, I decided it wasn't too bad considering that the chances of me getting some good beef in there where exactly zero.

As I gathered up the dishes to clean them, a thought came to me. Can you go over the bit where I get into this harem while I'm cleaning up?

"Sure. Tomorrow we're going into town to meet an acquaintance of mine. I'll explain what I need done and she'll have you there by supper." The mare explained. "And if you're wandering why I don't just have her tell me the stuff I need, it's because she's at the end of a rather long list of ponies that such things get handled through. As it happens, you may be a big enough catch that she'll finally be able to get closer to the top."

I nodded from the sink, seemed like a decent enough plan so far.

"The problem, though, is how to get you back out afterward. They'll probably keep you caged up, so you'll only be free whenever you're with somepony."

Drying my hands off, I grabbed my pad. Are these cages locked, or "locked"? Because if it's as simple as reaching through some bars and fiddling with a catch I'll be able to sneak off with ease. Get me there and I'll figure out the rest.

"So your plan is to improvise, nothing more than get there and figure it out?" The mare asked incredulously.

Eyup, something like that.

"I'm starting to think this is going to backfire horribly, so I think I'll just head to bed and ignore the headache I have now." She groaned as she got up to and made her way to her room.

Snorting at the abrupt end, I poke around for a moment to see if I can find something to sleep with. Eventually I found a thin blanket and curled up on the couch.

Morning passed by in a flash of oatmeal and walking, and before long we were in front of a nondescript house in a relatively nice looking neighborhood. Ke'mot walked up and knocked on the door and waited for an answer, though she didn't have to wait long before a white and green unicorn mare opened the door.

"How may I help you this morning?"

"I just need to ask a few questions Ms. Dawn, my human here has been acting funny." The thestral explained.

"Well bring him in, and we'll see if we can get to the bottom of it!" The mare cheerily replied.

Following the nice lady in, we're herded into a small office. A quick glance reveals that it's the poster child for 'psychiatrist offices' everywhere, right down to a large ink blot picture on the wall. Seriously, this has to be some kind of trap to make people think she's not evil. Taking our seats, I watch the mare walk around to her seat, noticing her mark was some sort of weird ink blot thing itself. Her horn glows as a teal aura washes over the room, coating it before disappearing.

"You don't come to visit too often Ke'mot, so I'm guessing you're wanting to pass something along?" The unicorn asks inquisitively.

"Indeed, I need some help getting this human to the head of the thieves guild. Any chance you could manage that?"

"Hmmm, I might be able to, but what's so special about this human?" She then eyes me, trying to see what it could be.

"The higher ups did something to him, some experimental tracking spell or something, supposed to be undetectable and untraceable," the Guard lies smoothly.

"Well that could put me in a tight spot if it's found out and they trace it back to me. I'm not sure if I want to take a risk that big."

Kemo snorts at that. "Don't worry, you'll be compensated for the risk, in such a way that it's not connected to us."

"In that case, double my usual charge. Triple if he damages anything while he's here. "

"Deal. And you don't have to worry about him, he's pretty smart for a human. He's a bit weird too, but I trust you'll use discretion." Looking at the clock, she shakes her head. "Well, time's ticking, and I have a few other appointments today, so I'll see myself out. Thanks and have a nice day."

"You as well." Came the reply before Ke'mo swiftly made her exit, leaving the two of us alone. "I do truly wonder what's unique about you, but I may as well try my luck at reading tea leaves, it would be about as accurate as trying to read that mare."

My only response is to tilt my head and blink at her. Laughing at the sight, she takes the leash the Guard had put on me earlier in her magic, and I obediently follow her into another room. This one's brightly colored, with plushies of varying size and types spread across the room, as well as a large fluffy bean bag looking thing.

"Now you be a good boy in here while I figure out how to get you to the Lady discretely," the mare tells me as she leaves, the faint sound of the lock clicking into place damning me to stay here until she returns.

Looking around my new cage, I notice a small door on the other side, and quickly realize it leads outside to a small, covered pen. Shrugging, I curl up on the large cushion and await the sounds of her leaving the house.

After a few hours of boredom, I finally hear the sounds of my new 'keeper' departing. Praise the Sun, or something, I can finally get some food! Looking around for a flat piece of plastic, I finally find a little toy sword for one of the plushies. Taking it to the door, I wedge it in and start wiggling it about. After a few minutes, I'm rewarded with door opening. Wasting no time, I make straight towards where I remember seeing the kitchen, and it turns out to be just as mundane as the rest of the house.

Digging through the fridge and cabinet, I finally decide on a peanut butter sandwich drenched in honey. Even though I tried to take my time and savor it, it didn't last very long. With nothing better to do, and no real reason to be rude, I washed the plate and butter knife and went back to relax in the plush-filled room. With a little effort, a bed of the fluffy things was made, and was actually just comfortable enough for me to doze off.

The sound of hooves outside of the door woke me from my nap and the white unicorn entered my little room.

"Good boy, but it's time for you to go back to napping."

What is she... Her horn lights up and I see a shiny thing. Son of...

Her work done, the mare puts the unconscious human into a padded box, waiting for the two earth ponies outside to come in and take the neat package away.

God I hate this place, way too much shit is happening in way too little time... My conscious returning in dribbles, the only thing I know for sure is I'm lying on something soft, which is a nice change of pace. There appears to be some chatter in the background, but it's indistinct, muffled by the walls. Finally cracking my eyes open, I notice that I'm in a small room, plain, but with bars over the solitary window. Comfy, but still a jail cell. The door also has a tiny little window, one of those old school sliders that you see in those speakeasies from the Prohibition.

Speaking of which, the door opens, revealing a chocolate-brown pegasus mare with a light pink mane.

"So you're my new toy?" The mare licked her lips. "You do look the part, I do wonder where they found such a pretty thing."

This might have been a bad idea.

With a predatory gleam in her eye, she stalks towards me. "I don't know why they bothered dressing you up, I'm sure you're quite uncomfortable. But don't worry, I'll take those off for you."

I tilt my head, which is a much more "human" action than laughing my ass off. These ponies are still having trouble getting that intimidation thing down. I don't have long to think on it though, because this mare means business, my shirt was off before I knew it, and she was already working on my jeans. Or, at least, trying to, the button was giving her hell. Giving a sharp whistle to distract her, I take care of it.

That was close, can't have her damaging the goods in frustration, and getting a new pair of jeans would probably be a bitch too.

"Now that we've got that taken care of, how about you just lie down and relax." The mare told me as she slid my boxers off, seeming off-put by my flaccid state, but she gently shoved me onto the bed anyway. Personally, I didn't care either way if the bossy bitch jumped on or not, but apparently my dick was curious.

"See? At least part of you knows what it should be doing." The little pegasus started to giggle
as she started 'testing' me out.