I finished getting undressed, ready to get some sleep after getting discharged and getting a sweet patch bandaid from the hospital. "You think it's safe to take this off?" I poked the bandage on the inside of my elbow. "Bon Bon?"

Lyra peaked into our room instead. "Hey...Bon Bon's not here." Lyra walked in and kicked the door shut. "So...I got something to tell you."

I felt my boxers grow uncomfortably tight, my battered member screaming in terror silently. "I need an adult?"

Lyra walked up to me, her horn fizzing. "You are an adult..." She reached up and pulled me down by my shoulder. "Now...this is really important Ryan...so I'm gonna whisper in your ear."

I stared straight ahead as Lyra leaned against me. "Is this--"

"Kiss my dick." Lyra slammed her temple into the side of my dome. "Wah bam!"

I took a step back. "Lyra, why!?" I rubbed my head, the sudden impact already starting to send a deep throbbing through my temple. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

Lyra reached into her saddlebags. "Check--" She threw a plastic stick at me, "--This--" She threw another, sending it bouncing off my chest. "--Out--" Another. "--You--" Another went sailing over my head. "Dick!" She held one out in her hoof. "I told you something was wrong! I told you I was getting weird tingly brain sense!"

I looked at the stick in her hand. "What the hell is that? Is that a pregnancy test?" I took it from her hoof, turning it over and over. "Is this the whole thing you were worried about?" I stared at her as she collected up the tests. "You do realize it's impossible, right? Ponies aren't Asari--"

"That's from Mass Effect, right?" Lyra cocked her head. "Somepony on earth had that game, it was a lot of fun being all spacy." She smiled at me. "But, read that test Ryan, read it good."

I looked the test over. "I-- Uh.... Two bars...."

"Uh huh." Lyra put a different test into my hand.

"Positive...." I felt my cheeks tug downward. "Alright who did you get to do this?! Because what you're saying is--"

Lyra put another test into my hand. "This brand was made for ponies especially." She put another one into my hand. "That's for interspecies couples." Another test was laid upon the stack. "And again, and this one is for all races--"

I dropped the stack of tests. "Lyra, are you done? This is such crap, and I have piss on my hands! Bon Bon's piss, but still--"

Lyra smiled wide at me. "Remember when I said you should go see somepony? About how I could tell something was up?"

I frowned softly and adjusted my boxers. "Your point?"

Lyra walked around me, her tail encircling me like a cat. "You ever heard of a Hippogryph? Or a Drake? Or a Kennel Pony?"

I scratched my head. "No?"

"Half griffon half pony, half dragon half pony, half pony half diamond dog, respectively." She nodded sharply and stood before me. "I guess humans adapted, so congratulations." She spun around and flipped her tail up at me. "You get to kiss my ass!"

I looked down at her backside. "Lyra...why aren't you wearing pants? Panties? Something?"

"Because you're wearing your boxers, and you weren't asleep enough for me to steal them yet." She bumped her flank towards me. "Now kiss my ass!"

I rubbed my head. "So that's where that hair was coming from, your damn tail." I took a deep breath and ran my fingers back through my hair. "How long have you been doing this?"

Lyra bumped her flank against my leg. "A while. Now, about that kissing my ass thing, I know ya want to."

I stared at her, face twisted up with a smug grin. "Lyra...you can read minds, you know I don't want to." I bumped her away with my knee. "Now can you get out?"

Lyra wiggled her flank against my leg. "Mmmmhhhmm--mm-mm--mmmhmm, nope, not until you kiss my sweet minty green ass!" She smiled back at me, wide as could be. "Kiss my lyre!"

I shook my head. "Isn't it a harp?"

Lyra's face scrunched up into a frown. "It's on my ass...I think I know what it is."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, anyways can you go? It's late, I have a boo boo, I'd like to get some rest."

Lyra chuckled. "Boo boo?"

I nodded. "Yes, boo boo. I got stuck with a needle, I'd call that a boo boo."

Lyra bumped me with her flank again. "That's cute. You'll make a fun dad."

I shook my head. "Maybe? One day." I shrugged. "Now, it's been pretty funny Lyra, but--"

Bon Bon sulked into the room, completely ignoring me and Lyra. She crawled into bed and curled up. The lights went out as she pressed a button near her bedpost. "Ryan...."

I looked over towards her. "Yeah? You alright?"

Bon Bon sighed loudly. "We need to talk tomorrow. And, you should probably kiss her ass."

I stared at the mare as she wrapped herself up in a blanket. "Bon Bon?"

She huffed loudly and nuzzled her pillow. "Kiss her ass--"

Kiss--my--ass!" Lyra bumped me with her flank between each word. "Do it!"

I looked back up to Bon Bon. "Hey...sweetie, you're joking, right?" She said nothing. I laughed. "Bon Bon? Right?" I looked down at Lyra who was grinding herself against my leg. "Sweetie?" I looked down at the pile of tests. "Right!?"

"No Ryan, not joking. Tomorrow, talk, tonight, ass kissing." Bon Bon pulled her sheet over her head. "I asked a doctor while you were out, the idiot is right."

I held my hands out. "So, the person stupid enough to stick her horn in a lightsocket can detect pregnancies?! And you're pregnant?!" I swung around and grabbed a box of tissues from my dresser. "Biology is a lie!" I hurled the box at the ground. "I'm glad I failed that subject now!" I grabbed my head. "Oh god...this is some sick joke right?! Ponies can't--"

Lyra started laughing. "You know, ponies always could! It's just humans that are weird now! You're weird, ponies aren't, eat my ass!" Lyra started dancing before me, twerking pony style. "Mmmmhmm, horn socket girl knows her shizznit!"

"Alright!" I threw my hands up. "I'm gonna go disprove this just to make you look like an asshole!"

Lyra started laughing. "Oh I know I'm an asshole right now! But damn it feels good to be right!" She spun around, eyes narrow, grin eating so much shit it could have been repurposed as a sewer pipe.

I knelt down and held my arms up. "Lyra, you're prodding me--"

Bon Bon shot upright. "Bon Bon-- No...I'm Bon Bon...." She rubbed her head. "Sorry...been asking myself what happened for a few hours. Ryan! Doctor said there's something inside me, they couldn't tell what, but I'm either pregnant or I have a parasite! And I know you might not think so, but I haven't cheated on--"

"I said I was sorry about that!" Lyra pushed her flank against my chest. "Lyra, I'm gonna put you upside down in the toilet!"

"Try it filly--"

"Alright! Both of you out!" Bon Bon slammed her hoof against her nightstand. "Couch! Couch! Out! Get out before I throw a lamp!"

I held my arms out. "Baby don't--" Bon Bon sat upright. I watched her hoof slowly drift over towards the lamp by her head. "Okay okay okay okay-- ahhh-badhabuh!"

Author's Note