Reckoning
I sat by my computer, staring mindlessly into my monitor as I delved through the depths of my very soul for a My Little Pony fanfiction idea. My mind was drawing blanks that would make the Crusaders' flanks jealous. What to write about...
I licked my cheeto dust covered fingers clean and gave a long, broken sigh.
"If only I could just travel to Equestria. Then I'd get some ideas."
Ironically, that gave me the most original, most exciting, most perfect idea for a story! This was an idea so original, I was sure no one ever in the history of the universe had ever written anything like it!
"I'll write a story about me going to Equestria and fulfilling my wildest fantasies!" I practically jumped up and down in my chair, snapping it in half and leaving me to writhe on the floor for half an hour. When I finally dragged my fat ass off the ground, I made my way to the keyboard and began typing away.
"A-and so..." I typed hastily, letting my sweaty fingers fly across the keys as I created my masterpiece. This story was truly the pinnacle of human literature. The hot situation I had created gave me the biggest boner of my life, and my tight denim shorts could hardly hold my meat as it lightly throbbed on the side of my leg, giving me an intense orgasm right then and there. "And so we had sweet pony sex and it was really hot. The end."
I was done. My story was a piece of art; a pure gold nugget in the river of fanfiction. Now, just to click publish, and...
Done.
"My masterpiece is now open to the public!" I cheered. "Bask in its glory, my readers!"
Just as I was about to tip my fedora to the brilliance of my own story, a rip in the space time continuum appeared by my bedside. Now, I had never seen a rip in the space time continuum before, I just assumed that's what it was, so I leaped for that shit. I moved as fast as my 300 pound body could carry me into the portal that could have possibly led to my imminent doom.
As I was hurdling through the air at unimaginable alpha as fuck speeds, I realized something: I forgot my sketchers!
"No! My goddamn sketchers!" I shouted back, but it was already too late; I was through the portal and any hope of getting my sketchers for the trip evaporated along with my surroundings. I mean that quite literally, I suddenly found myself in a completely white space with nothing in it whatsoever.
"What.jpg!" I said as I threw up all the half digested cheetos I had eaten throughout the creation of my story. I continued to hurdle through the air aimlessly, until another portal finally opened, and I found my way over to it.
As I passed through the small opening, I suddenly dropped down and hit the ground HARD. Lucky for me, something very soft and cuddly cushioned my fall.
"Goddammit not another one!" I heard a familiar voice shout from under my many rolls of sweaty lard.
I rolled over to see an incapacitated Twilight Sparkle trying to regain her form as she was flattened into a pancake from my pure power level.
"OHMAGAWD, IT'S TWITTLIGHT SPICKLE!!!" I screamed in absolute joy. I pulled my pants down and pounded the ground over to her, but she suddenly jumped back and kicked my exposed ballsack.
"Fucking shit!" She yelled. "Every fucking time one of you comes through here you try to have sex with everything!"
Of course, I was utterly confused. I just wanted to cuddle with my waifu while naked. Was that so much to ask? Also, my testicles burned with the pain of 1000 supernovas.
Twilight stomped the ground in anger. "That's it! I can't take it! Every single one of you humans that visit this god forsaken land just wants sex or some other ridiculous act! What the living fuck! We're not even the same species! You're also all either insanely obese, or deathly thin, or just an ugly ass motherfucker!" She threw her hooves into the air and pointed to me. "Or a combination of all those things!"
She was so cute when she was angry. It was like watching a raging bull masturbate. So adorable.
We were suddenly cut off when we heard a scream coming from the town a few yards away. It was Rainbow Dash! HOLY FUCK IT'S RAINBOW FUCKING DASH FUCK! And she seemed to be trying to crawl away from a dog pile of fedora wearing, neck bearded, obese beta fags with no other intentions than hot pony sex.
"Cum inside?" One asked, wearing the pitiful look of a broken man as he looked pleadingly into her eyes for any ounce of kindness or charity like a poor homeless man begging for spare change.
"Fuck off!" She yelled, delivering a powerful kick of supernatural proportions straight into his third chin with no trace of mercy or remorse.
"You wanna go to dinner then?" Another asked hopefully.
"Fucking hell! Get away from me, you fucking creeps!"
I looked around as mobs of similar looking autists crowded around, chasing down random ponies in herds of prowling predators ready to take their prey alive. Buildings were set aflame, families were forced from their homes to seek refuge in an accepting community, famine was plagued upon the land, and there was an angry lion masturbating in the corner. However, in the midst of all this, there was one lone human with a look of confusion and a shrug of indifference. "I'm just happy to be here."
Fucking casual.
"This is chaos." I said, my pants still wrapped around my ankles and my balls feeling constructed worse than Digibrony's reviews.
"And it's all because of you fucks!" Twilight screamed over the havoc that was Ponyville. "That's it, I'm calling the princesses to banish all of you!" She looked to the heavens with a burning fury. "CELESTIA GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE!!! THESE GODDAMN HUMANS ARE RUINING EVERYONE'S FUCKING DAY!!!"
Immediately, the god appeared before us with a ruffled mane and bloodshot eyes. "What is it, faggot?" She asked.
Twilight simply pointed to the train wreck that was Ponyville. Celestia just laughed it off with a troll-like grin.
"Ah, let them have their fun."
"THEY'RE RAPING OUR CHILDREN AND BURNING OUR CROPS DAMMIT!!!"
"What do you want me to do about it? I just raise the sun. I don't deal with shit like this." Celestia said with a smug smirk. "I'm sure Princess Twilight can take care of it all by herself." She mocked.
"Fuck you!" She yelled, and Celestia disappeared to get back to whatever she was doing before all of this. Whatever it was, it sure as hell didn't look clean. And by that I mean nonsexual. And by that I mean it looked like she was getting rammed. And by that I mean sex.
"Fuck...what to do now..." Twilight sat back on her haunches and stroked her chin in deep thought. I took this opportunity to get closer to her and stroke her mane.
"It's alright, Purple Smart." I said soothingly. "You'll think of something."
"Get the fuck off me!" She yelled, and got up just enough to deliver another firm kick straight to my ballsack. By this point my testicles were just liquidy remains of what used to be my reproductive organs. Think of a fine paste sloshing around inside of a torn plastic bag.
That's when Twilight had an "ah ha!" moment. "It's simple! I kill the Batman!" She yelled.
"I don't know what you said, but my balls are mashed potatoes!" I screamed in pure horror at the loss of my fertility. Now how will I have epic alicorn children with my waifu?
Twilight quickly galloped away out of my sight, and the last thing I saw before passing out from pain was the horde of bronies tackling Lyra as she maniacally screamed, "I WAS RIGHT, YOU FUCKERS!!!"
I awoke peacefully several hours later in a warm, plush bed that seemed very familiar. I opened my exhausted eyes and saw nothing but darkness. No, it can't be!
"It was a fackin' dream!" I screamed aloud, venting my rage with many incomprehensible screeches that no human should ever make.
"Quiet down, you!" I heard a tired, breathless yell come from somewhere near me.
"Who was that?" I asked in ultra panic mode.
"I'm Anon." He answered simply, still trying to catch his breath.
"What are you doing? You sound out of breath." I commented.
"I've been trying to sit up for an hour now." He said with a few more grunts. He finally sighed in defeat and I heard an audible 'slam' as his body hit the bed next to me. The bed frame snapped and he fell to the ground with a groan.
"Well, uh, where are we?" I asked as I attempted to sit up on the bed as well, this time with more success than Anon. The room was still in complete darkness, and the only thing I could comprehend from the situation was the immense stench of body odor as it wafted through the air as if there were thousands of cramped, sweaty middle aged men that hadn't showered in weeks because of their incessant internet addiction trapped in one confined area.
"We're in the Canterlot dungeons, where the princesses are holding all of the humans that wrote Human in Equestria stories so that we don't rape any more ponies."
Right on the money.
"Oh, that makes sense. I wouldn't want humans raping my subjects either." I reasoned. I looked around and my eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness. There were countless beds filled with sleeping neckbeards. The stench and sound of the constant snoring was almost unbearable. As they all slept soundly, it seemed there was a grand chorus of farts and disrupted snoring as the thousands of prisoners relieved themselves in their sleep. Again, in the very middle of all the peacefully sleeping, there was one normal person who was awake in bed waving to me.
"Hello!" He greeted happily.
Fucking casual.
"So, Anon, if this is a dungeon, why is everyone in a nice, comfy bed?" I asked as Anon wiggled around on the floor in another attempt to sit up.
"It's a dungeon made by magical, colorful ponies. Do you really think it's gonna be a ruthless torture chamber?" He asked as he finally succeeded in sitting up. He was worn out from the small movement; he gasped heavily for any fresh air and his underarm sweat was beginning to pool down his coke-stained polo shirt.
"Well, you got a point. But why is everyone asleep? Shouldn't we be trying to escape and take our rightful places beside our waifus?"
"Princess Luna put a sleeping spell on everyone except us for plot reasons." Anon explained.
"How unnaturally convenient!" I shouted to the heavens in my extremely loud voice, the very boom of the unholy sound threatening the foundation of the entire dungeon.
"Quiet down!" Anon scolded. "You'll alert the guards."
"What else am I supposed to do? We're all stuck here, away from our little ponies, and no one's doing a damn thing about it! Well, I've had it!" I declared heroically. For the first time in my life, the spaghetti stayed safely secured in my pockets and I was overwhelmed with confidence. I swung my monumental legs over to the side of the bed and ever so slowly lowered my feet to the floor. I heard an unfathomable gasp from Anon as I stood in the dungeon with my hands on my thunderous hips. I looked to the ceiling in triumph.
Alpha as fuck.
"EVERYONE! AWAKEN FROM YOUR SLUMBER AND RALLY BEFORE ME!" My thunderous voice boomed throughout the dark caverns of the dungeon, shaking the very structure on which we were trapped under. I looked around. Sweat started pouring down my face when I realized I had gotten no attention besides the one normal guy who applauded me cheerfully.
Fucking casual.
"Nice try." Anon laughed. "But I got this." He cleared the phlegm from his eternally clogged throat and began to speak:
"Rarity is best pony."
And in that moment, The Great Awakening took hold of thousands of overweight, smelly neckbeards, and they all began raging with the force of 1 million fiery suns.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY???"
"SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!!!"
"DAFUQ NIGGA???"
"MFW COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!"
"INB4 YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!!!"
All at once, the furious trampling and stomping of the angry authors erupting from their beds caused a mini earthquake that sent even Anon tumbling. Throughout the chaos and destruction of the cramped prison cell, a small smile adorned my face.
These are my people.
I now control an army of unstoppable might.
Me gusta.
"What's all that racket in there?!" I heard a strong voice shout over the discord of the situation. Immediately, the fury, earthquakes, and loud masturbating all ceased as thousands of eyes stopped to look at the royal guard that had uttered those unfortunate words.
He had no idea what was coming to him.
"Attack!" I yelled, and whether it was from my alpha leadership skills or the pure pissiness of the crowd, the horde stampeded into the iron bars of the prison cell, shattering the metal on impact of the immense weight.
The last we ever heard of the guard before he was crushed by 20 metric tons of pure lard was, "I'll see you all in Equestria Boys."
And just like that, the army had flooded out of the dungeon and were working their way up to Canterlot, no doubt to cause more malicious havoc. I looked to Anon with an epic smirk, and he just pulled a horse mask over his face and gave me a nod of reassurance. We were on our way to freedom.
As Anon and I made our way out of the dungeon and into the streets of Canterlot, I could tell this would be a battle not easily fought. I looked around to see small groups of our army taking down the armed royal guards just by tackling them with their body weight. Others were hanging off of guards that were attempting to fly away, but they were weighed down and forced to the ground, where another group was waiting to beat the shit out of him.
While most of my army fought for the greater good against the Canterlot forces, some were just in complete anarchy for the lulz. I saw a large group flee a burning building as they escaped with a large rucksack of looted goods, while others were simply harassing the innocent citizens of the city. At last, I saw the same one person calmly shaking hand and hoof with one pony and making legitimate conversation with him during all of this.
Fucking casual.
I turned to Anon and he turned back to me with that retarded horse mask on his face.
"What should we do?" I asked him.
"You get to the fight!" He yelled. "I'll convince the others to join us!" And with that, he took off toward the anarchist soldiers, his man boobs bouncing in the breeze as he ran as fast as he could.
Ohgodwhatnow.png
I had never been in a war before, what do I do, what do I do?
I looked down and saw the spaghetti beginning to drip from my pockets in a steady fashion.
Just punch something!
I turned to see a yellow pony walking along nonchalantly. Out of fear, I delivered a strong, solid punch right in the schnoz, and he began writhing on the ground in pain.
feelsgoodman.
A smile crept across my face as I ran into the fray of battle, delivering ninja kicks and judo chops of epic proportions into each and every pony I saw, royal guard or not, I made mince meat of every plush quadruped there. No pony stood a chance as I took on wave after wave of royal guards, with my badass karate skills I had learned when I was 7. I eventually achieved such a combo, that I ascended to the rank of super saiyan, and I began to engage in midair combat with every royal guard, knocking them out in one swift punch. They kept coming quicker and quicker, and I just took them out easier and easier. My combo got so huge, that I eventually had to stop fighting for a few moments, allowing hundreds of guards to pile on me. I felt my power level increase immensely, and I just smiled as I transformed into Ultra Badass Super Saiyan God Mode Omega Hyper Form, the shock wave of the great transformation sent the guards flying in all directions. After they saw my pure awesomeness, all the royal guards gathered in one corner, cowering in fear. I smirk once more and brought my hands back to my side. It was time to fire all of my energy into one final blast to end this battle.
"KAAAAAAMEEEEEEE!!!" I shouted as a fucking huge sphere of burning energy formed in my palms, singing the tips of my fingers.
"HAAAAAAMEEEEEEE!!!" I energy became more powerful and I was ready to unleash it into the mass of flesh that stood between me and my waifu. I shoved my hands forward into the air to wreck them all-
Suddenly, I woke up in a daze. I must have been screaming something because the soldiers all around me yelling for restraints and aspirin. When I finally shook off my blurry vision, I saw that I was in some kind of medical tent as soldiers of my army hurried about, tending to the wounds of fallen comrades. I sat up and looked around.
"What the fuck happened?" I said aloud. It was as if my amazing pwnage was all a dream.
The medic tending to my IVs turned to me. "Dude, you got knocked the fuck out immediately. We had to drag you off the field and bring you here."
I looked down to my hands in disbelief. I guess I hadn't been the cause of all those deaths after all.
"Fuck!"
After the monumental disappointment of the realization that I haven't done shit, I stormed back out to the battlefield, and saw the aftermath of what looked to be a losing battle.
~Cue Dead Island Trailer Theme Music~
Royal guards were mercilessly beating the war battered soldiers on the street sides, while some brave souls still had enough fight left in them to revolt, and they gathered in small groups to beat the shit out of the military trained guards. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of overwhelming pride at my army, despite the fact that we were getting our asses kicked.
I looked to my left to see Anon limping toward me, his ridiculous horse mask was torn and scratched; a sign he had been a real fighter during this battle.
"Holy fucking shit, I just had to save this fucking mask from a wood chipper!" He panted as he walked up to me. He had to put his hand on my shoulder and bend over to catch his breath from all the physically demanding activities. He eventually stood up and looked around. He turned to me with a solemn look and said, "We're getting fucked up. In all honesty, we will probably all die. We could try to take over the palace, but we'll all get beaten the fuck out of by then. Might as well lay down and accept our friendly fate.
"No..." I muttered. I began to walk away from him, causing Anon to lose his balance and fall on his ass. "No, we can't give up!"
"Where the hell are you going?" He asked as he rubbed his bruised hiney.
"Sir," I turned to him, sliding my aviators onto my chubby face, alpha as fuck. "Finishing this fight."
I turned around, and slowly strode across the field like it were some amazing action movie and I was the hero with a hot ass girlfriend that was always there for no reason other than the pleasure of the male audience. In my mind, everything was all slow motion and shit; the battles between man and pony commenced at half speed, showing me every detail and fault of the royal guards' war tactics. I smiled once more as I continued on my way to the castle. There was a clear path just for me. I was going to save my army, and achieve my waifu with glory!
"There's another one over there!" I heard, and I immediately got tackled by a hulking mass of muscle and fur, sending me crashing into the ground with a loud thud. I must have broken every bone because it felt like I had slightly bruised the small of my back. I looked at my assailant who was standing over me in triumph. It was a damned royal guard... But not just any royal guard...
"Flash Sentry!" I screamed with the sonic capabilities of a Boeing 777 or whatever the hell it is, I'm not a plane guy.
"That's right! I'm here to steal your waifu!" He looked down to me with a devilish grin and leaned into my ear to whisper, "And there's not a damn thing you can do except bitch about it on forums."
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! I'LL FUCKING RAPE YOU!!!" I screamed, and all at once, my pent up anger and rage I had been holding in since Equestria Girls erupted into one savage headbutt. I heard his skull crack under the pure force of the collision, and he fell to the side in a limp heap of waifu stealing shit. I got up and looked at him. Then immediately fell back to the ground and clenched my fucking forehead.
"No one wins in a headbutt, bitch." Flash muttered as he lay on the ground, helpless to anyone that might want to get sweet, sweet revenge on him for being such an asshole.
That gave me an idea.
I brought my sausage-like fingers to my lips, and blew out the loudest whistle of my life. One might even compare it to the obnoxious whistlers on Xbox Live voice chat. It silenced everything and all noise was sent to a dark void as complete quiet swept over the battlefield. This was my chance.
"Hey everyone! Flash Sentry is over here! Come beat his ass!" I screamed to the heavens. At first, it seemed my cry for help had no effect, until I saw dead corpses on the street be magically brought back to sweet, breathing life. Some awoke suddenly, while others reluctantly got up from the ground to see if my words were true. One group of crushed comrades emerged from the wreckage of a collapsed building in defiance, the malice clearly visible in their eyes as they set sight on the waifu thief.
I looked to Flash Sentry with a smug look. "All your pony are belong to us."
His eyes widened and the look of pure fear in his eyes as the enraged bronies gathered around him with intents to possibly murder him was absolutely priceless.
He let out an extremely nervous laugh. "Now, fellas, let's not get too hasty-"
"I GET HIS FUCKING NECK!!!" A soldier cried, jumping onto him and ripping Sentry's throat out with his bare teeth, followed by the mass pile up of thousands of the pissed neckbeards as they all tackled him and took turns destroying his life as slowly as possible.
"My work is done." I said calmly. I got off the ground and dusted myself off, walking away with a pep in my step and a pocket full of dreams as Flash Sentry's horrid screams of agony and terror filled the air to the point where someone had to rip out his voice box.
Ah, much better.
I happily made my way to the castle, tipping my fedora to the many awe struck royal guard that remained to witness Flash Sentry's gory demise. Ain't life grand?
As I neared the castle gates, I passed one, normal looking guy who was just standing there.
"Aren't you gonna go get a piece of Flash over there?" I asked in astonishment that he wasn't helping in the sacrificial ritual.
He just shrugged. "I honestly don't know what the big deal is. I like new characters, and I think Flash Sentry is a perfect match for-"
He was suddenly cut off by my knee being jabbed deep into his stomach, sending him tumbling backward onto the ground and gasping for air.
I left him there with no words to offer for him other than,
"Fucking casual."
I opened the gate to the palace, and was greeted with a fuck ton of stairs. Literally, there was a sign by them that said CAUTION: Watch out for the fuck ton (approx. 3.3 million) of stairs.
"Well, damn." I looked all up and down the massive stairway, eyeing the prized palace at the very top, where my waifu no doubt was waiting for me.
Probably naked, too.
I shot up like a rocket up those stairs in an instant at the thought, reaching the very top in no time.
Unfortunately, my boner didn't take me with it, so I was stuck at the bottom with a raging erection that just would not quit.
I attempted to climb the stairs the old fashioned way, but I quickly realized my intense wood wouldn't allow it. I ended up having to turn around and sit on the stairs, scooting up one by one in order to ascend the massive staircase.
Throughout my endeavor, I had ample time to think...mostly about life...specifically, my life.
What exactly am I doing? I'm scooting up a fuck ton of stairs with a massive boner to get to a magical talking purple horse in hopes that I can have vicious sex with it.
Why am I even here? I made a fanfiction about a show made for little girls in which I go and have sex with everything there, then I got teleported to said world. I'm here in this very situation because I live in my mom's house twenty years after I should have moved out, and I spend my life watching My Little Pony and fantasizing about the ponies because real people suck and I have no friends. This is the reason I am scooting up a fuck ton of stairs with a massive boner.
I stopped my work for a few moments and put my chin in my hands in deep thought. What exactly is Obamacare?
I heard muffled voices behind me and turned to realize that I had made it to the top of the staircase already! Whaddaya know? How convenient!
I got up and turned toward the castle door, my boner smacking firmly against the brick wall as I did so. I walked sideways so my boner wouldn't get in the way of me and the door, and put my ear to the wood to listen to the conversation.
"You're such a fucking bitch, you know that?" I heard Twilight yell out in anger.
"Hey, you know, you were my student, and now you're a fucking...princess. You can deal with your own shit." Celestia said drunkenly as a response.
"There is a goddamn war in your city and you won't do a damn thing about it?" Twilight asked.
"They're just humans. What could they possibly do?" Celestia said.
There was a few moments of silence, then another muffled response from Twilight, "I guess you're right. The royal guard can easily take care of them all. They don't even have weapons!"
"See? I told ya there was nothing to worry about, Purple Tits." Celestia joked.
"Don't call me that." Twilight said sourly. "Let's just go into the town square and see how things are going."
Ohshit.wav
I backed up from the door, careful to not let my boner get in the way. I walked over to the steps and looked down. I realized it's a fuck ton of steps and decided I can't possibly go back down with a boner like this. I turned back around toward the door at the exact moment it opens, and Twilight got a mouth full of my hard cock.
Jesus alive.
I immediately jizz gallons all over the place, and by that I mean it all exploded into Twilight's hot mouth. I looked straight into her surprised eyes as my sex face commenced, and I continued to unleash my load into her throat.
She suddenly backed up and threw up everything I had unloaded into her. Her projectile vomiting resembled a jug of milk being completely emptied at once. My dick immediately went flaccid and raveled back into my pants, content as can be.
Twilight was still puking uncontrollably when Celestia fell to the ground in hysterical laughter. Twilight was spitting out the last remnants of my seed when she turned to Celestia. "I fucking hate you." She then turned to me with a look of absolute hatred. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You came all this way up to the palace, just to-"
Whatever that purple horse was saying, I had no idea. I was in a state of complete bliss. I just got head from a pony, and I don't give a fuck what happens next. My life is now complete.
"Are you even fucking listening to me?" Twilight finished with an angered huff.
"I don't think he is." Celestia said, still with tears in her eyes from her fit of laughter.
"You know what, fuck this." Twilight said at last, and her horn glowed a bright purple, and before I could even process it, she zapped me with some kind of spell, and I found myself in a large white room similar to the one that brought me here in the first place.
The only difference was that there was a single wooden door at the end of what looked to be a long hallway.
There was nothing else to do so eh, why not.
As I walked toward the door, I realized the closer I got, the harder it was to walk. It's like the door had some kind of anti gravity protecting it or some shit.
By the time I'm within five feet of the strange door, I'm stomping the ground, fighting to keep my balance as I get ever so closer. I eventually fell to the ground and was forced to crawl the rest of the way. Crawling made the adventure no easier, as it was already hard to transport my fat ass on the floor as it was; now I have some kind of magic shit keeping me away.
I clawed at the ground as I got within two feet to keep myself from flying backwards, and I felt like some kind of awesome arctic mountain climber or some shit. I continued my trek to the door. I was inches from the wooden door when it felt like a jet engine was trying to propel me away, but I knew I had to get through this damn thing because I was bored as fuck. It got very difficult keeping myself from flying away, so I knew it was now or never. With all my might I brought myself up to the doorknob and stood up. My fedora flew away and my hair was about to do the same until I finally turned the knob slowly, unsure of what exactly I would find behind this thing. I eventually got the nerve and turned the knob all the way.
I open the door.
Get on the floor.
Everybody walk the dinosaur.
Author's Note
Yes, this story had absolutely no point whatsoever. Yes, you actually spent your precious time reading it. Yes, I actually spent my precious time writing it. It's just a stupid one off that I felt like writing because I wanted to write something fun and random. What ever happened to Anon and Flash Sentry and everyone else? Well, I could write an alternate ending, but I doubt I'll get a big enough audience to do that so meh. Use your imagination.
If you read this far, I have one thing to say: You are one hell of a trooper. And I apologize for your loss of brain cells.
