ALEXANDER: Premeire

Rainbow Dash looked around the darkened Ponyville Theater, for what seemed like the millionth time. “Bo – o – o – oring!” she said, to nopony in particular.

Rarity gave her an annoyed look and turned back to watch the third act. Twilight Sparkle leaned over to see across Rarity and whispered, “Come on, Rainbow. You know why we’re here. If any—”

Rainbow Dash cut her off. “Yeah, but it’s been three days. Three days! I think I would have noticed by now if any of Discord’s brain-whatsit had, you know, stuck around.” She twirled her forehoof around her right ear for emphasis.

Twilight sighed. “You don’t know that. None of us do. Princess Celestia is right; it’s better to do something with all of us together every day for a while just to make sure.” Rainbow opened her mouth, but Twilight kept speaking. “And we did your and Applejack’s athletic thing yesterday, plus we went to see a comedy instead of a tragedy. So please be quiet, and let everypony else enjoy the play.”

“SSSSSSHHH!” The ponies in most of the surrounding seats, Rarity included, had turned to face Twilight.

Twilight’s face reddened, and she grinned in embarrassment. “Oh. Sorry. Heh heh.”

Rainbow gleefully stuck her tongue out at Twilight, who had turned back to the stage and didn’t see her. Smirking, she looked at Pinkie Pie, on her other side. Pinkie was currently contriving to bounce on her seat silently and without blocking anypony’s view.

“Ooh! Good one, Dashie!” She held out a hoof, which somehow stayed motionless as its owner didn’t, and Rainbow Dash bumped it with her own. “Can I try making everypony shush Twilight?”

Rainbow tried to look like that part had been intentional. “Eh, maybe later,” she whispered, as she caught yet another look from Rarity. She settled back to look at the stage, where the lead stallion droned on. The speed demon immediately lost interest and turned back to her partner-in-pranking.

Pinkie looked back with sudden intensity. “Hey, Dashie, I bet you twenty bits that everypony flies around in spaceships before this is over.”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Pinkie, you are so random. This play…” Wait, this is 20 easy bits, she thought. “Deal.” She Pinkie Promised, with a glance over her shoulder at Rarity, and turned back to the stage. A moment later, she realized that her row in the theater still wasn’t silent. She looked around, to see quiet Fluttershy of all ponies whispering to something in the aisle. Rainbow leaned over, and there was a very agitated Angel Bunny pantomiming something to his caretaker.

“…a forest?” whispered Fluttershy.

Angel nodded furiously, and raised his little forelegs and extended the claws on them.

Fluttershy gasped, “A monster in the forest? Which forest?”

Angel shook his head, and repeated the gesture.

“Forest monster…monster forest…forest of monsters…”

Angel nodded enthusiastically and moved his paw in a circle, as if to say, Keep going…

Fluttershy squeaked and ducked behind the divider separating the seat from the aisle. “The Everfree Forest?”

Angel nodded, and started his next motion.

“But what about the Everfree Forest?” asked Pinkie, who had been listening and leaning over Fluttershy. Fluttershy squeaked again in surprise.

Angel stopped to scowl at Pinkie, and began his motion again. He dropped to all fours and started hobbling along, dragging one hind foot.

“A hurt critter?” guessed Fluttershy. “But it’s the Everfree…”

Angel jumped up and nodded again, and pointed at his caretaker.

“I’m a hurt critter?” asked Fluttershy, perplexed.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” scoffed Rainbow Dash.

Angel put a forepaw to his face in frustration, then pointed to Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rainbow in turn.

Pinkie began, “We’re all—?”

“SSSSSSHHH!” came the chorus again. This time Rarity spoke up.

“While I do know that drama appreciation isn’t all your, ahem, cup of tea, I really don’t understand why you must act like complete ruffians at—Fluttershy, darling, whatever is the matter?”

Fluttershy had noticeably paled. “How bad?” she asked Angel Bunny.

Angel frowned, then held out his paw and made a wavering motion. Then he shrugged.

“What? What is it?” asked Pinkie Pie.

Fluttershy turned to her friends, and whispered, “There’s a hurt pony in the Everfree Forest.” She set her jaw, though the color still had not returned to her face. “I—I need to help her. I’m leaving now. Does anypony want to come?”

Yes! Rainbow Dash immediately jumped out of her seat, and hovered a pony-length above it. “I will! I mean, it’s too dangerous for Fluttershy to go alone, right?” She looked down the row at her friends. Pinkie looked ecstatic, Rarity looked to be accepting the inevitable, and Twilight looked amused. Nearest the middle of the row, Applejack’s reaction was hidden behind her Stetson.

Rainbow Dash suddenly became conscious of a growing murmuring behind her, from the ponies whose view she was blocking.

Oops. She settled back into the seat just in time to see one of the ushers start up the aisle toward them.

While Rainbow tried to look unobtrusive, Pinkie lobbied support for Fluttershy’s expedition. “…and then we’ll stop by Sugarcube Corner on the way back to cheer her up from being all hurt and stuff and we’ll talk and laugh and eat cupcakes and it’ll be just like our first adventure together well maybe not just like that it’s not like we’re gonna need the Elements or anything but it’s definitely-certainly-positively better than just sitting here and getting kicked out of the theater!” Having finished without taking a breath, she beamed at Rarity. Rarity was fighting to keep a stern face given Pinkie’s breaches of decorum, with limited success.
Twilight had caught the last few words of the hyperactive pony’s spiel. “You’ve got a point, Pinkie. We should all come; after all, we do still have the Princess’s order, and we didn’t manage to finish watching the play.” The six friends started filing out of the row of seats.

Twilight turned to the only one of their party who had stayed quiet. “Applejack, we’re leaving. There’s a hurt pony in the Everfree Forest.”

The farmpony jerked up from her reclining position. “Ah agree with Rarity. Fluttershy should sit on the end.” She looked at the stage, where the curtain was falling on the third act. She glanced at Twilight, who was raising an eyebrow as if to say, Seriously?

“Hey, them seats are really comfy,” Applejack defended herself. “How come—?”

“Hurry up, you two! We haven’t got all day!”

“Coming, Rainbow,” said Twilight, a little peeved.

Applejack scowled. “How in tarnation did she stay awake?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Hey! I heard that!”

“You were supposed to. Now get, ‘fore Ah beat you there.”

=====

Fluttershy looked around at the foreboding trees of the Everfree. They were still scary, and she still would rather be at her cottage tending to a squirrel or even trying to be interested in a play, but the place just didn’t seem as malicious as it normally did. Maybe it was the fact that they always seemed to go in there at night, and now it was broad daylight. Maybe it was because, after defeating Discord, it was hard to think of anything worse than him. Whatever the reason, she was feeling especially brave right now. She had even kept from jumping when Applejack had stepped on a twig a moment ago! Wait, she thought. I was a real brute when Discord got me. Now I’m feeling tough enough to take on whatever is in the forest. Oh no—what if Twilight’s memory spell didn’t cure me all the way? What if I turn back into a brute? She ‘eeped’ a bit louder than normal and hid behind Rarity.

Applejack stepped away from the broken twig, her mouth quirked in a half-smile. “Little late on the squeak, there, huh, Fluttershy?”

Always the impatient one, Rainbow Dash blurted, “It’s just a stick, Fluttershy. Come on, now what does the rabbit mean?”

Angel had led the six out of town and a short ways into the Everfree Forest, and was now hopping in place and pointing to the entrance to a rabbit warren at his feet.

Chastised, Fluttershy hid her face behind her mane. “Well, this is just a guess, but I would say that he wants us to go down there. Although, I could be wrong.”

Only Rarity was able to hold back a snort. Applejack burst out laughing. After a quick glance around, Pinkie started laughing, too.

Rainbow colored. “I know what he’s doing, it’s just that ponies can’t fit…argh!” She flared her wings and shot straight up through the canopy.

Applejack got herself under control. “Dash! Come back, I didn’t mean nothin’!” she called. “Aw, horseapples, I hope she don’t go and get her feelin’s hurt over that.”

Was that my fault? Fluttershy was terrified. “Oh no! I hurt her feelings, didn’t I?” I’m turning into a brute again! Frantically thinking of the damage she could do to her friends, she made to fly off to her cottage, where she couldn’t hurt anypony. A sharp pain in her hindquarters stopped her.

“Ith alright, Flutterthy. It wath me,” Applejack said, through a mouthful of pink tail hair.

Fluttershy paused in midair, causing her to fall earthward with a thump. “Oh. Okay.” She closed her wings hid her face behind her mane. She was still worried, though. She peeked out to see behind Applejack, where Twilight had just levitated a giant ball of dirt away from where the warren entrance had once been.

Twilight Sparkle released her magic and called, “Don’t everypony come to help me at once.”

Rarity, standing beside her, said, “You know I would help if I could, in any significant manner. You must admit you are uniquely suited for this job, and I don’t think the others would really be much help without shovels, do you?”

Twilight acknowledged the white unicorn’s point with a grimace. “Sorry, everypony. That was uncalled for. This is just a little difficult.” She levitated another large dirt clod out of the hole, then a third. The fourth was much smaller; after setting it aside, she looked into the now quite deep hole. “Well, there you have it. Bedrock. Angel Bunny, are you sure this is the right place?”

The rabbit nodded, then pointed at himself, Fluttershy, and the hole in turn. He’s been really nice to me today; why not?
“Okay, little guy. Up you go,” said Fluttershy, as her charge hopped onto her back. She flew to the bottom of the hole, where he hopped off and pointed to a particularly jagged part of the rock bottom. The others peered down into the hole.

Twilight frowned, clearly not expecting this to work. The broken stone wavered in her magical grip, then came free with a crack and a rumble. As she lifted the debris, a roughly circular tunnel became visible, leading down at a steep but quickly lessening angle.
Pinkie was the first to cry out. “Ooh, Twilight, you found a cave! Can I go in first? Can I can I can I?” She punctuated each repetition with a bounce.

Fluttershy marveled at Pinkie’s complete inability to feel fear, even from a dark cave in the Everfree Forest. She had more than a little experience with what kinds of wildlife usually inhabited places like this one, and few of them were friendly.

Then she remembered why she had come here in the first place, and decided against volunteering to act as lookout.

Twilight answered, “Well, actually, I would guess that it’s not a cave, per se. It makes no geological sense for a cave to form curving upward like that, and with such a regular cross-section. I would say…” Pinkie had already leaped in. Twilight continued for the benefit of the rest of her friends. “…that it’s artificial, maybe an old burrow. It sort of resembles those Diamond Dog tunnels we went into.” Rarity shuddered. Twilight added with a grin, “But in answer to your question, yes, Pinkie, you may jump in first.” By this point, her only companion on the surface was Fluttershy, who didn't want to see Twilight’s feelings hurt. Twilight sighed, smiled thankfully at Fluttershy, and teleported underground.

Fluttershy hurried to catch up with the group. When she had reached the front, Angel Bunny began to lead them down one of a few paths that split off a short ways from the opening. Rarity and Twilight lit their horns. Pinkie paused to look down another path, and said something about an underground lake. Rarity shooed her back into line.

Angel looked around a corner and started hopping and pointing like a thing possessed. We’re almost there! Fluttershy rounded the corner.

Past the bend, the hallway widened a bit to one side. At the end of the bulge, a tiny trickle of water ran down the wall to pool on the floor. Lying partially in the resulting puddle was the injured pony, flanked by a couple of gawking rabbits. Fluttershy absently observed that the pony was not, in fact, a mare, as she had assumed, but rather a stallion. While she was thinking this, her body seemed to move on its own; her wings gave her a burst of speed over to him and she began checking him for wounds. He did indeed look bad, but not in the way she had gathered from Angel’s report. He was not bleeding badly, that she could tell, and had no visible broken bones. Unfortunately, he was also very thin, especially for a stallion, to the point where his ribs were showing; he had dozens of scrapes and scratches, most on his underside. The largest cut was on his forehead, mostly scabbed over. He was unconscious but breathing.

With that, the veterinarian part of Fluttershy eased up, and the rest of her was able to really look at her patient. No, he’s not one of my critters; he needs to go to the hospital, she reminded herself. He was a gray earth pony with a dark blue mane and tail, and with a short stature to go with his thinness. Bizarrely, a sort of tight-fitting shirt encased him from his neck to halfway down his barrel, barring the many tears, with sleeves that reached his hooves. Even stranger, though, was his complete lack of a cutie mark, despite his apparent adulthood or near-so.

Rarity’s gasp brought Fluttershy out of her reverie. The fashionista had been bringing up the rear, and was just now seeing the stallion. She hurried over and lifted one of his front legs, then dropped it with a wince. “It’s simply awful,” she pronounced.

“A-a-actually I don’t think he’s in any immediate danger,” Fluttershy began.

“Not that, dear! I will happily defer to your much more experienced opinion on his health. I am speaking of his…his…his garment! A crime against good taste! And the real tragedy is the incredible difficulty he must have gone through to don it! There are no buttons! Was he sewn inside it?”

Twilight gave an exasperated groan. “Rarity…never mind. Everypony, back away so I can teleport us to the hospital.” She walked to stand beside the prostrate stallion as her horn began to glow. Just as the light was becoming unbearable, she vanished with a crack.

Leaving the stallion lying on the ground.

Awkward, thought Fluttershy.

Rarity was the first to recover. “Well then, now—”

Crack. Twilight reappeared, frowning. She grabbed the stallion’s hoof in hers and vanished again. Crack. The hoof fell to the tunnel floor, still attached to a still-present gray stallion.

The remaining five mares glanced around at each other.

Crack. Twilight again reappeared. Face contorted into an expression midway between frustration and outrage, she pointed her horn at the prone stallion. A lavender aura formed around her horn, but nothing else; after a few seconds, she abandoned the effort. “What the hay?! I can’t even lift him!” she panted, then fell back onto her haunches. “Ugh, I’m too tired. Rainbow Dash, can you carry him out?”

“Piece of cake,” boasted the pegasus, having made her return to the group perfectly unnoticeable. She grasped the stallion around his midsection and flew out of the cave, leaving behind one frustrated unicorn and four of her mystified friends.

=====

Alexander did not have any particular first thought as he slowly came awake. He simply lay in place, mildly interested by the fact of being conscious while waiting for more ordered thinking capacity to become available. This took some time. He had the vague idea that there was no hurry.
Once it did, he recalled having one of the unusually lucid dreams he encountered on occasion. It had been dark, he remembered, and there had been…ugh! Something made him pull away from the memory. No sense in trying to remember a nightmare, he thought.

He realized that the bed felt unfamiliar, and he opened his eyes to investigate. He was supine on a fairly comfortable bed, staring straight up at the green ceiling, his arms and legs splayed out in a sort of star shape underneath the covers. The bedspread was pulled up to his chin. A curtain hanging from said ceiling extended around what he guessed was the bed’s perimeter. A hospital? What did I do? And why don’t I remember it? He tried again to remember the recent past, with the same result. Failing that, he attempted to check himself for injuries.

This failed as well, because a strap held his head to the pillow. In fact, he felt more straps restraining his arms and legs. He struggled briefly, but they were secure. This was so far outside his experience that he started to panic. “Hey! What’s going on?! Let me go! What do you want with me?” He would have kept yelling, but he thought he had heard something. “Is somebody there?”

There was a pause. Then a quiet, feminine voice replied, “I’m here,” from beyond the curtain.

This did nothing to alleviate Alex’s confusion. “All right then, why am I here? For that matter, where is here? Why am I strapped down? Who are you?” The voice replied, so quietly that he couldn’t make it out. “Say again?”

“I’m Fluttershy,” said the woman, still behind the curtain. Huh. Interesting nickname. “You’re in the hospital, because we brought you here, i-if that’s okay with you, I mean.” She stammered to a halt.

“Why bring me here? And why strap me down?”

“You’d hit your head, and you were starving. And you…” She quieted again into silence. This was beginning to annoy Alex.

“It’s perfectly all right with me! Just why am I strapped down?!”

She answered, too quiet to hear.

“Oh, for crying out loud. Just come over here and whisper into my ear if you must.”

She was audible this time. “I…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I don't think we’re going to get anywhere if I keep having to puzzle out whispers through a curtain. I won’t bite,” he finished, trying halfheartedly to lighten the mood.

“I still don’t—”

“I insist.”

“A-all right, if you do…” The curtain twitched on Alexander’s left. He strained his head against the strap to look that way, with some success. The curtain parted, to reveal a possible source of the voice. Alex froze.

It was a small, butter-yellow horse, but with a very human-looking face, very human-looking pink hair extending from the top of its, her?, head, and a very human-looking expression of apprehension. “Oh dear…” came the voice again, perfectly in sync with the apparition’s mouth. Alex’s eyes got even wider, and he started again to try to pull his left hand out of its strap, in order to pinch himself to wake up.

A second voice, this one rougher. “Okay, he’s fine, let’s see him.” The curtain was yanked aside to reveal most of the rest of the room, by another…I guess they’re ponies. This one was sky blue, and currently flying; Alexander counted four more, all with bright coat colors and bizarre human-like attributes. Plus, two had unicorn horns.

His surprise allowed Alexander to jerk his head out of its binding. “What?!” he exclaimed, sitting up as much as possible. The yellow one said something that did not immediately register. With an almighty heave, he freed his left hand and went to pinch himself.

What emerged from beneath the bedspread was not a hand.

“AAAAAAHH! Is that a HOOF?! WHAT?...No. NO! I refuse! I refuse to accept this! This is nuts!” Continuing roughly in that vein, Alex pulled his conscious mind away from his present situation. This allowed him to finally process the yellow pony’s statement from a moment before.

She had said, “Oh no, don’t start thrashing around again…” Alex immediately arrested the frantic, random movement of every part of his body not strapped down. He detested it when someone was able to predict his actions and shocked that he would even do something like that.

Alex remained frozen, shut his eyes, and took stock of the situation. I can’t wake myself up, he deduced from the sharp pain in his left…wrist? Is that what it’s called on a horse? He weighed all the possible scenarios that would make him see things that did not exist. He discarded LSD. He didn’t do drugs. He didn't even know how to get some. He discarded alien abduction; too unlikely, and it didn’t fit with his captors’ reactions. However, something else explained his lack of memory of the trip here as well as the impossibility of the whole place.

I am insane. The three words sounded like funeral bells. Something inside his head had cracked, and now he was stuck here. He tried to remember what might have brought him to this point, then remembered that being insane meant that all his memories were suspect. Wait, but so is my reasoning— He abruptly cut off that line of thought. I do know one thing—none of this exists, so nothing I do matters. I can do whatever I want, and just imagine it away!

He opened his eyes, and a wide grin spread across his face.

=====

Applejack let out a breath she had not realized she had been holding as the partially bound stallion’s flailing ceased. That was not nearly as bad as yesterday, when he had not been tied down. That had been a real mess; one look at the doctors and her friends, and another at his own four hooves, and he just lost it, trying to destroy everything within reach. Crazier than a pet coon. It had taken two nurses and one doctor to hold him still while the other doc gave him a sedative. Then they had tied him to a bed in the psych ward, I didn’t even know the Ponyville hospital had one of those, and told the six of them not to come back until midday tomorrow. They had returned—they were concerned, after all—but chores wait for nopony, so she had been about to leave when he woke up. With any luck, once he opened his eyes again, he would be finished with whatever was wrong with him, and she could go home to help Big Mac wrap up the day’s work.

The stallion opened his eyes again, and there was something off about that smile. Call me judgmental, but I’ve seen ponies bent on causing trouble before. That’s one, or I ain’t an Apple. Maybe her hunch was wrong, but she doubted it. She had a little sister.

“Sorry about that,” the stallion said ingratiatingly. “I’m not usually like that, and I’m better now. Could you untie me? This is really uncomfortable.”

Applejack opened her mouth, but Rainbow Dash beat her to the punch. “No! You’re crazy. I watched you break a bunch of stuff yesterday, just ‘cuz, I don’t know, you didn’t like the doctor’s hair. I am not letting you loose.”

The stallion retained his grin. “And you would know crazy. You live here.”

Rainbow Dash pushed her face right up to his. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Only, Rainbow, that none of this makes any sense. Also, that you think you’re intimidating.”

The pegasus pushed even closer, if that were possible. “How do you know my name?!”

The stallion’s grin was replaced by shock. Then he laughed. “Oh, my god. Your name really is Rainbow. This is incredible,” he said, before descending into more laughter.

It was Pinkie Pie’s turn to speak up. “Ooh ooh ooh! Me next! Guess my name!”

The stallion gestured vaguely with his one free hoof. “You.” He seemed to consider. “…are pink.”

“Perfect-o-mundo! I’m Pinkie Pie!” she exclaimed.

The stallion looked at the ceiling. “Unbelievable,” he murmured. “It’s like this is all in my head.”

“Hey, I haven’t met you before which means I haven’t thrown a party for you before! Do want a Pinkie Pie Party? Of course you do! There’ll be—”

“No. I can only take so much saccharin every day.”

All right, that’s enough. “Look here, mister. Ah don’t know what that last comment meant, but Ah’m stoppin’ this before it goes any further. If yer just gonna be a jerk, say so so we can all leave.” Teasing Rainbow Dash was one thing; she sometimes asked for it. Insulting Pinkie—at least I think that’s what he did—was something else entirely.

“Calm down, Country Hat. I got nothin’ against any one of ya.” The stallion had put on a drawl of his own.

The farmpony scowled. “Name’s Applejack.” She did not hold out her hoof for a shake.

“Huh,” the stallion frowned. “Thought that would work.”

Then Rarity stepped forward. “I did understand the ‘saccharin’ comment. You will now apologize to Pinkie Pie and Applejack for your rudeness.” She was scowling, too.

The pony on the bed looked unimpressed. “And who might you be?”

Rarity turned her face to the side, flicking her perfectly coiffed mane for effect. “I am Rarity, Element of Generosity, fashionista, and pony everypony should know.” She turned back to him. “You still have not apologized.”

The smirk returned. “Oh em jee, a fashionista?” he said, his voice mockingly feminine. “Well, I must say, your ensemble is just fabulous today. And the hat! Simply dazzling!”

Rarity, this being a casual occasion, was wearing no clothes or hat. Applejack expected her to gasp and tell him what for, but she didn’t. She lost all expression, trotted up to his right side, and slapped him across the face.

“Ouch!” he cried. “What the hell?”

This time Rarity really did gasp. She hit him a second time, with the other forehoof. The stallion yelped again, and held his face with his free foreleg. Rarity turned away with a disdainful “Hmph,” and marched out of the room.

Applejack took that as her cue to leave, and the rest of the friends followed suit. Twilight stayed just long enough for a parting shot. “I would say something, but I think Rarity pretty well summed it up.”

The six went their separate ways. On the road back to the farm, Applejack reflected, Good thing that nonsense happened after our hike earlier. Might have ruined our day together otherwise.

=====

Alexander could hardly see through the pain. He'd been hit once or twice by hands, but that was an inflexible hoof—two of them! Slap is too soft a word for it; punch is better. He seriously wondered if the white pony had broken his jaw.

Presently he became aware that his restraints were being removed. He opened his eyes just in time to see what he assumed was the nurse, a unicorn, push aside the last of the straps. She had been watching most of the exchange from the doorway.

She looked at him contemptuously. “Looks like you can control yourself now. You’ll stay here under observation until tomorrow, and then we’ll be rid of you. Your, ah, clothes,” she indicated the bedside table, thus far unnoticed by him, holding the remains of a long sleeve T-shirt and a pair of jeans. Alex pawed through them; they looked just like they should, except they were torn and dirty, and the T-shirt had a clean scissors cut straight down the back. The pants still contained his wallet, cell phone, mp3 player, and keys, none of which were useful to someone without fingers.

The nurse continued, “Those six mares brought them in,” her expression harshened, “when they did the same for you. Oh, and I suppose you’re hungry.” She pushed a cart with a large salad and a glass of water over to him, and left without another word, leaving the lights off and windows shut.

Suddenly, Alex felt ravenous. He tried to grab a fork, which probably would not have worked even if one had been there. He decided against caring what he looked like to an empty room, and leaned his face into the bowl to eat the salad. As he munched, he pondered his situation. This makes way too much sense to be insanity. Sure I can’t explain some things, like everyone speaking English, but everyone’s reactions make sense. Plus, I have completely failed to just ‘magic’ away the consequences of making fun of everyone. Speaking of which… He remembered the expressions of those ponies who had visited him, particularly the fear on the yellow one and the shocked hurt of the pink one. Even more than that, he remembered something the nurse had said. They’d brought him here, maybe saved him, and he’d rebuffed them. He felt like a real dirt bag.

When he looked up from the salad, a human was standing at the foot of the bed. Taller than Alex had been, with crew-cut black hair and angular features.

A human he knew.

Alexander sighed. “And I was this close to proving myself sane, too,” he addressed the visitor. Zach was one of his few close friends. Alex would normally be happy to see him, except that his presence once more destroyed his working theory of how he got here.

“That would be illogical,” replied Zach.

‘Illogical’?! Zach never talks like that, thought Alexander, searching for a response.

“I am not Zach.”

Crap! This thing reads my mind!

“Actually, I’m part of your mind, in a sense. I’m the reasoning part you had to amputate in order to make the decision to continue in this world as if all of this is really happening. I’ve decided to take the form of someone you know yet cannot be here, in order to bring the truth home to you.”

Alex fought to follow all that. “Wait, I haven’t decided to do anything yet.”

Zach gave him a condescending look. “Yes, you did. You decided about a minute ago, completely fueled by the guilt from your remarkably pathetic attempt at self-amusement at the cost of those six girls. In fact, you were going to apologize to figments of your imagination, when what is lacking is your own willpower to change the situation.”

“So, what, I can change the dream but I won’t? Is that it?”

Zach appeared to consider. “In layman’s terms, yes. You won’t, therefore you can’t, since your power is limited by your will.”

“Okay, now I won’t and I can’t.”

Zach smiled patronizingly. Alex felt his blood pressure spike. “Just shut up.”

“You also have the dubious honor of having totally alienated every construct you have built for yourself. They were quite pretty, in a horsey way.”

I don’t need you to make me feel worse about that than I already do. “Shut up!”

“The retreat into denial, very predictable.”

“Shut UP, Zach! Or whatever you are!”

=====

Twilight Sparkle returned to her house-cum-tree-cum-library, deep in thought. She could not figure the newcomer out. Not as a pony; he was obviously as simple a jerk as Rainbow Dash’s old friend Gilda. No, she was trying to puzzle out how in Equestria he had gotten into a tunnel with no entrance, with the best magical shield she had ever encountered, carrying some kind of aversion to ponies.

She had made no progress on the first two mysteries, but she felt like she was closing on the third. She had spent most of last night reading—or in one case, rereading—every book on abnormal psychology the library contained. Immediately after listening to his initial ravings, she had postulated amnesia as his problem. After studying, however, she was no longer sure. He had reacted violently to the place, as if he had never seen it before. In fact, his reaction was much closer to somepony suddenly faced with a jarring paradigm shift than somepony trying to escape from something through forgetting.

This is going to drive me crazy, I just know it, she thought as she pushed the door open.

“Hey, Twilight!” greeted Spike. “How’d the hike go?” At Twilight's grimace, he asked, “That good, huh?”

“Oh! No, the hike was fine. That stallion we saved yesterday? He’s a jerk.” She summarized the events in the psych ward for her number one assistant.

“She hit him twice?” asked an awed Spike. “Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to see that.” Abruptly, he added, “And not just because it was Rarity, either.”

Twilight could not hold back a grin. And to think he once thought his crush was a secret. She did look away from him, though, in order to let him keep some measure of dignity.

Back to the subject at hoof. Twilight sat down at her desk. The more she thought about it, the more everything seemed to fit around an incredibly unlikely conclusion: The stallion was, in fact, not from Equestria, and, judging from yesterday’s outbursts, had possessed a different shape before he came here. That would also explain the strange clothes and inscrutable devices in them; of course a different society would have different aesthetic tastes. That left unexplained just how he had gotten here, as well as that magical shield, but she was certain those were connected. Everything is falling into place! Maybe this won’t drive me crazy after all!

“Spike, I think he’s an alien,” she announced, after an indeterminate time looking back over the psychology texts.

Her assistant jerked up from his impromptu nap. “Uh, hey, a couple of your hairs just popped out of place,” he said with growing apparent anxiety.

So what? “I’ll fix them later. Right now I need you to take a letter.”

Spike visibly relaxed. “Oh, that’s it?”

“Sure.” She paused. “Why do you ask?”

Spike ran to find a quill and paper. “No reason. Okay, shoot.”

Dear Princess Celestia,

This is unfortunately not a friendship report. I will send one of those within the week. This is a progress report: I can’t find any hint of Discord’s mind manipulation remaining in my friends! Thank you again for giving me the idea for the cure. I think that our daily outings are no longer necessary for that purpose, although they are generally a lot of fun. I may just continue them.

On another note, I think I have discovered something incredible. Currently in the Ponyville Hospital Psychiatric Ward is a stallion whom I believe to have been forcibly transported here from a previously undiscovered place on the planet, or even on another planet! Imagine what he can tell us about magic, having made that journey! (Twilight continued for several minutes here. I can’t write all that. -Spike)

Oh, and my assistant wants me to add that he’s in the psych ward because he’s having a little trouble adjusting to this place. I volunteer to tell you all I can about his home when the hospital releases him!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

“Done,” said Spike, as he finished the letter with a flourish. “Want me to send it now? It’s kind of late.”

Twilight considered, and decided against it. “Nah. Wait until the morning, but do it first thing. Hey, how did you get all that on one page?”

Spike turned away, toward the loft. “First thing tomorrow, gotcha. Look at the time! Boy, am I tired!”

=====

Finally, he’s gone. Alexander removed the pillow he had been holding over his head. He'd been trying to block Zach’s condescending, confusing, and completely intolerable monologue. The pillow had not helped, of course, since Zach only existed in his head. It had made him feel better, though.

He groaned to the empty room. Now, to sleep, if that’s possible. Somehow, he had the sinking feeling that it would not be easy. He had perfect memory of his life until recently, and none of whatever brought him here. Unbidden, the memory of a song arose.

(The song is "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring. It can be found here.)