Chapter 25: Suprise Motherf**ker

We continued running up to the door with Pinkie in the lead.  Stewart and I followed close behind.  When we reached the opening, the line to get in wasn’t really that large all things considered.  Kansas isn’t really known as club capital USA.

        “So is she really going to flash her tits again?”  Stewart asked.

“It’s not like she has any other way of getting in.  What else is she going to do?  Fuck her way to the garden?  And by garden I mean club, and by fuck I mean sex.”  I said.

        “Yes, thank you Main.  God forbid you left me hanging with fuck.  Without you I would have been in the dark to your amazing joke, but now that you have explained to me the meaning of this word known as fuck,  I can laugh.  Notice how I’m laughing, with a stone expression.  Very funny.”  Stewart said.

        “I thought it was funny too!”  Pinkie said as we neared the bouncer.

        “Ugh, just show him your tits so we can get in.”  Stewart said

        “ID.”  The bouncer said.

        “Okay!”  Pinkie said as she lifted her shirt to expose her breasts.

        “Woah, um...”  The bouncer stuttered as he looked around to make sure no one was around.  “Okay, you’re in.”

        “Yay!”  Pinkie shouted as she began walking into the club.

        “Wow, that was easy.  Looks like pinkies breasts are good for more than...”  I began.

        “I really don’t want you to finish that sentence.”  Stewart said.

        “Hey, where the fuck do you think you kids are going?  ID.”  The bouncer said.

        “We are with her.”  I said.

        “I didn’t see you flash any tits, so fuck off.”  The bouncer said.

        “Do you really want Main to flash?  I didn’t know there were people who actually wanted to be blind.”  Stewart said.

        “You could always flash, Stewart, blind them with the white of your pale as shit skin, then we could try to make a run for it.”  I said.

        “I don’t fucking see you in your backyard with one of those dumb mirror things, laying on a lawn chair asshole.”  Stewart said.

        “Skin cancer is dangerous Stewart.  Don’t you know the dangers of the sun?”  I asked.

        “Yeah, because smoking, drinking, and eating five times your fucking body weight is doing wonders for your health right now.”  Stewart said.

        “I’m not dead yet.  I’m feeling great.”  I said.

        “Oh, really?  Just now, walking from the curb to the club you started sweating.”  Stewart said.

        “It’s fucking hot!”  I said.

        “It’s 70 degrees!  How is that hot, explain to me how that is anywhere near hot!”  Stewart said.

        “I get hot easy, it’s not my fault.”  I said.

        “Because that totally has nothing to do with your weight.”  Stewart said.

        “I didn’t know you were a doctor.  Got your PHD in fagology?”  I said.

        “Gay joke number four hundred and sixty five.”  Stewart said.  “I’m starting to think it’s wishful thinking.”

        “First of all, it’s seven hundred and ninety four.  Second of all, I’m pretty sure the hundreds of sexualy acts with Pinkie and Fluttershy have proven any of your comebacks useless.”  I said.

        “Matt!  Where you at?!”  I heard Pinkie shout from club.

        “On the side of the freeway, in the car.”  Stewart responded.

        “Hey, the System of a Down references are my lines.  Learn your fucking script.”  I said.

        “Are you ladies done bickering like a married couple yet?  Clear the fucking entrance assholes, people are trying to get in.”  The bouncer said.

        Both Stewart and I looked behind us noticing no one was there.

        “Yeah Main, we should probably clear the entrance.  Wouldn’t want to stop the hundreds of people lined up behind us from getting in, right?”  Stewart asked.

        “Yeah, good point.  Would hate for the hundreds of people to start freaking out, and causing a hundred person riot seeing as there are totally hundreds of people back there.”  I said as we both mocked turning around.

        “Man, they’re starting to riot back there because of how long we’ve been holding up the line.”  Stewart said.

        “Christ, one of them almost hit me with a chair, how did he even get a chair?  Must have been imaginary, kinda like the people.”  I said.

        “Do you fucks make it a point of being an asshole to everyone you talk to?”  The bouncer asked.

        “Well it is on my bucket list.”  I said.

        “Sorry, Mains ability of being an asshole seems to rub off on everyone.”  Stewart said.

        “You just said my asshole rubs off on everyone.”  I stated

        “Jesus Christ.  Nice to know we’re back in the fifth grade.”  Stewart said.

        “I wish I was in the fifth grade.  Life was easy, and I didn’t have to bail three girls from an alternate universe from a club, where they are probably getting raped.”  I said.

        “No sex in the fifth grade.”  Stewart said.

        “Nevermind, fifth grade sucked.  Sex is much better.”  I said.

        “What was that about three girls from an alternate universe?”  The bouncer asked.

        “Dude, save it.”  Stewart said.

        “Um... uh... You know, like their bodies are out of the world, and the things they do are... like from another universe.”  I said.

        “Yeah.”  Stewart said, rolling his eyes.  “Nice save.”

        “And by things I mean sex.”  I said.

        “Jesus Christ.  Thank God for you Main.  I mean without you, all of your genius jokes that my tiny brain couldn’t possibly comprehend would go unknown.  And thankfully I now how what you mean, because again, it was so fucking funny.”  Stewart said.

        “Wow, I think you broke the sarcasm meter with that rant.  And we just got a new one too.”  I said.

        “What’s the bouncers name anyway?”  Stewart asked, looking at the bouncer.

        “You could have just asked me.”  The bouncer said.

        “Yeah, that was kind of rude, I mean he is like right there.”  I said.

        “I am asking you.”  Stewart said, his voice sounding very annoyed.

        “But you just kind of let the question float, not really even targeted to anyone.”  The bouncer said.

        “Yeah, it’s like you were talking to yourself.  Are you crazy?”  I asked.

        “For the love of God I just want this to be over.”  Stewart said.

        “My name is Jack by the way.”  The bouncer said.

        “Hey, we know where he is at.”  I said.

        “This isn’t a freeway, nor is this by a car.”  Stewart said.

        “Man, I love Coldplay.”  Jack said.

        Before I could insult his musical taste, and call him a faggot, Pinkie, along with Twilight, and Rainbow randomly appeared from the exit of the club.

        “How did you even?  I asked.

        “Did Pinky really just do our job for us?”  Stewart asked.

        “Yeah, though I’m not complaining.”  I said.

        “Hey!  Did you guys not even make into the club?”  Pinkie asked.

        “Yeah, no, plan did not go as well as I thought it would.”  I said.

        “But I flashed my fun bags!”  Pinkie said.

        “Sadly your fun bags do not carry over.”  I said.

        “Thankfully you guys are okay.”  Stewart said.  “Wait... you guys are okay right?”  Stewart asked.

        “Yeah.”  Rainbow said.  “Some guy lead us up to some private room and tried some funny stuff, but Twilight zapped his penis off.”  Rainbow said.

        “Well, that’s good... wait, she did what!?”  I asked.

        “Zapped his penis off.”  Rainbow restated.

        “Wait, you can fucking do that?”  I asked.  “Does that mean you can also make penis appear on other peoples bodies?”  I asked.

        “Main, I swear to God, if you take this story into a weird direction, I’m leaving.”  Stewart said.

        “So that’s why Stewart can have sex.  You gave him something he never had.  Wow you are really in her debt aren’t you?”  I asked.

        “Nope, not a weird direction, just an insult.  I don’t know what I expected.”  Stewart said.

        “Apparently gay stuff, not that I put that past you.”  I said.

        “So you zapped some guys penis off, how did he take it?”  Stewart asked.

        “He just looked down, and started crying soon after.”  Twilight said.  “I take it that men in this world really value their genitallia.”  Twilight said.

        “I’m pretty sure men in any world value their genitallia.”  I said.  “Unless there is some world where genitallia for men always gets in the way, becoming annoying.”

        “Sounds kind of like this world's version.”  Stewart said.

        “Yeah, then maybe he was crying tears of joy?”  I asked.

        “Yeah.”  Stewart chuckled.  “Doubtful.”

        “I don’t know about you, but I’m actually very upset up this new tidbit of knowledge.  You have the ablity to make penis’s disapear, and not in the fun way.”  I said.

        “I don’t get it.”  Pinkie said.

        “Don’t worry Matthew.  I wouldn’t dare do anything like that to you, or Stewart.  I don’t really consider you guys very threatening.  And as for your joke... crude.”  Twilight said.

        “Oh I get it.”  Pinkie said.  “It’s like sex.”

        “I’m starting to think that one day Main and Pinkie will suddenly become one, joining together in an ever expanding form of bad jokes, and sexual perversion.”  Stewart said.

        “Well... that’s how you know it’s over.”  I said.

        “When all the bad jokes are close by you?”  Stewart said.

        “I think that’s enough musical references for one day.”  Rainbow said.

        “You’re just mad because I haven’t invited you to my super special awesome music club.”  I said.

        “You guys listen to like three bands, constantly, and just make jokes referencing their lyrics.”  Rainbow said.

        “She has a point.”  Stewart said.

        “How does she know the inner workings of my organization.  Who’s been leaking information?  Was it Edward Snowden?”  I asked.

        “Did you just make a joke that was actually based in the world, and has political meaning?”  Stewart asked.

        “Surprise you?”  I asked.

        “Yeah, just weird that you actually know what’s going on in the world.  I figured your life was sex, music, and making fun of me.”  I said.

        “Hey, I know about current events.  I know of the Obama.”  I said.

        “Okay, good to know.”  Stewart said.

        “I know about the War In Iraq.”  I said.

        “Not actually a thing anymore.”  Stewart said.

        “I know about the Patriot Act.”  I said.

        “Yeah, that was like ten years ago.”  Stewart said.

        “George Bush is the vice president, right?”  I asked.

        “I don’t even know what to say about that.”  Stewart said.

        “Joe Biden is one of the biggest figures in the NRA.”  I said.

        “Well now you’re just being silly.”  Stewart said.

        “It’s nice to see that the libertarian party is in control of the senate again.”  I said.

        “Well there goes any of our chance at ever being involved with politics.”  Stewart said.

        “Yeah, because all the other shit we did, didn’t fuck our chances.”  I said.

        “I thought we had a winning chance.”  Stewart said.

        “For some reason the slogan, ‘Vote Stewart, Matthew 2016.  We are down with the Wu-Tang’, doesn’t seem like it would really help us get electoral votes.”  I said.

        “Is this whole joke over yet?”  PInkie asked.  “I’m ready to go home and molest Fluttershy.”

        “Well I guess we should probably leave, not much else we can do here.”  Stewart said as we started getting grouped up.

        We made our way to the parking lot and found Stewarts white car.  We all piled into the vehicle, the three girls in back, me in the passengers seat.  As we started to pull out and make our way to the exit, some guys ran out of the club, spotted us and ran to where our car was.

        “There’s the bitch who made... well she did something!”  The random guy yelled.  I’m assuming it’s the same man who is probably wondering how he is going to take a piss now.  He had about three other guys with him.

        “Yeah, you should probably step on it.”  I said to Stewart.  I rolled down the window.

        “SEE YOU LATER, FUCKERS!”  I screamed out the side.

        “Hey, yeah, there is oncoming traffic, we are going to have to wait for an opening so I can pull in.”  Stewart said.

        “Oh... uh, so...  how you doing, fuckers?”  I asked.

        “Get them!”  The man yelled, as they ran to the car.

        Before they could attack our car with their fist Stewart pulled out into traffic, barely avoiding an accident.  After a few collective sighs of relief, we made our way down the street and back to my house.  We arrived about twenty minutes later we finally made it to my house at about nine at night.  We got out of the car, and made our way to the door.

        “So, that wasn’t fun at all.”  Stewart said.

        “Yeah, I didn’t even get to dance.”  I said.

        “You hate all mainstream music, and you hate dance music.”  Stewart said.

        “I can still dance to it.  And I know about some mainstream music.  I know about MC Hammer.”  I said.

        “We aren’t doing this again.”  Stewart said.

        “I’m just glad to be back at your house Matthew.  I thought I would enjoy the study of humans in their favorite social environment.”  Twilight said.  “Turns out it’s not as fun as I imagined.”

        “Yeah, and you zapped some dudes dick off.  Not cool.”  I said.

        “Should we buy them collars so it’s easy to find them when they get lost?”  Stewart asked.

        “What would the collars say?  “If lost please call this number, also please don’t rape.”  I said.

        “I feel like I should slap Matt.” Rainbow said.

        “I thought that default mood setting.”  I said as I made my way into the house.

        “Um...”  I said.

        “Oh God, what the fuck happened now?”  Stewart asked.

        “There is a girl with flowing green and blue hair sitting on our couch.”  I said.

        “Oh, does she have a God-like aura around her?”  Stewart asked.

        “Yep.”  I said.

        “Does she seem cool, and calm, almost unnaturally so?”  Stewart asked.

        “Yep.”  I said.

        “Seems like their God showed up.”  Stewart said.

        “Their God has nice tits.”  I said.