Author's Note

Alrighty. Big points chapter here. Many, MANY video game references. So many, that in order to keep the points balance, any video game reference is only worth 1 point, but can be found by 3 people. Yes, video game references include ones simply stated. Either way, sorry for the long chapter, and sorry for the rushed chapter. Enjoy. Maybe. Or hate it, 's up to you.

VI

Cel and I walked through the halls, the same way as yesterday, the only difference being the large increase in physical contact between us. She would bump me with her midriff, and I would bump into her. This continued for majority of the walk, save for when we were in the presence of guards. According to Cel, majority of them were suckers for gossip. I just laughed it off, thinking she was just fucking with me, but still decided to keep it professional just in case.

“So, Luna knows about us, apparently.” I stated calmly, figuring that it wouldn’t really mean anything to her.

“I am aware.” She replied, equally calm.

“Oh?” I replied quizzically.

“Yes, she visited my dreams last night. I’m presuming she also visited yours.” I nodded, before looking down and frowning.

“How does she visit everyones dreams and still hold a night court?” I questioned, looking towards Celestia.

“Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. She casts a spell on herself, that takes a bit of her subconscious and looks for nightmares, going to comfort the pony in need, or in special cases, delivering a message.-- She pauses for a moment -- Luna gains all the information when she goes to bed herself, which can both be a blessing and a curse.” Her face adopts a crestfallen look “Believe me, I know.” She mumbles.

I stopped dead in my tracks, while Cel continued walking past me, “Cel, stop.” She continued walking, “Cel. Cel! Stop, please! Celestia, Please!” I started worrying, this wasn’t like her. I jogged up to her, reaching my hand across and grabbing her shoulder, turning her towards me before pressing her face into mine, kissing her

We broke apart, Cel looked down at the ground.

“Cel, look at me.” I ran my hand down from the back of her head to her chin, lifting her head up with my index finger.

“Cel, you can tell me anything that’s bothering you. You know that, right?” I said, quickly kissing her.

“There are somethings that I need to face my-- I cut her off, cupping her face.

“Celestia, we’re going into the rest of our lives together, we can face whatever together” I kissed her muzzle as I finished, running my thumbs along the sides of her face.

“But--

“No buts, Cel. Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do, Thaddeus. What kind of question is that?”

“Good, then we can face this together, Cel. Maybe not now, maybe not today, maybe not this week, but we-- I gestured to Cel and I --can face this.” I kissed her lips, scratching behind her ears until I felt it flick my hand. We broke apart yet again, staring into each others eyes.

“We should probably get going.” Cel mumbled.

“Yeah, probably.” I chuckled. “If not for court, then for breakfast. With L-- I paused, remembering what she had said to me last night.

“In your words, no hard feelings, I just wanted an apology. Although, I can think of a couple ways to punish you for it.”

--una” I finished “Shit”

“Uh, nothing. Although I might not be able to join you for court after breakfast.” I replied, thinking about what she could do to me.

“You were never expected to, and never are you obligated to come everyday. However, I am curious, what’s keeping you today?”

“I-uh-Luna may have said something about making me work because of yesterday.” I mumbled, my dignity crawling into a corner like that one Little Sister from Bioshock 2 as I thought about myself in a french maid outfit.

Remember, you have a way out of her room.

Valid point, random voice. What is that voice even? Eh, that’s a problem for future me.

I shook the image from my mind, leaning on Cel as we continued our way towards the court.

“Cel, I need a job.” I stated, stopping as my support did.

“Oh? Why’s that?” She asked, a quizzical look on her face.

“Well, we should probably walk and talk. As for the job, I don’t like being a freeloader, I’ve been one for my whole life, and I’m fed up with it, and second, I want to make my own money, not borrow yours if I want something.”

“While both of those are fair points, we’re still not certain how the populace will react to you, so you’ll have to settle for a job in the castle. Matter of fact, there’s a position that’s been open for some years.” She replied, smirking deviously.

“I… I don’t like that smirk, Cel. Cel, why are you smirking?” I said nervously, taking a step away.

“I’m not sure you want the job, I don’t think you’re properly built for it.” She responded, obviously enjoying this.

“Just tell me the goddamn job, Cel.”

“Are you sure you want to know? If you take the job, you’ll be getting your own room.”

“Cel…” I growled

“Fine, fine. The job is the Royal sex slave.” Celestia says nonchalantly.

I spun on my heel, “Nope, all aboard the nope train to nopeville in the province of nope!” I yelled, walking away from that crazy fucking pony. However, I failed to account their god damn magic bullshit, and felt myself getting picked up and turned around slowly, like a hog on a spit, before being lowered upside down, now face to face with Cel. She pulled me closer and kissed me before leaning in and whispering something into my ear.

“Oh? Yeah? Uh-huh. Mmm, sounds good. This is all happening tonight? Oh. Yeah, I can’t hear you, Cel.” I whispered into her ear, making her look at me.

“What do you mean you can’t hear me?” She asked.

“I mean I’m physically unable to hear you from that ear. I’m deaf. Well, not fully deaf, just out of that ear. Now couldja put me down, so that all the blood stops going to my head?” I answered, a headache starting to grow as all the blood ran to my head, before being flipped over again.

Is this how an hourglass feels?

I shook my head, trying to get the excess blood moving back to where it needed to go.

“So, mind repeating what you were saying?” I said, Cel already leaning in.

“Oh? Really? Maybe. Huh. Yeah. Eh, why not? Wow. Sure. Alright.” I said, chuckling occasionally in reply to some of the things that she was saying.

“Alright, off to breakfast we go, Hun.” Cel said, waiting for me to walk over to her.

“Breakfast? It’s only-- I looked down at my watch --three minutes ‘til the end of court, alright. Breakfast it is. Won’t the nobles be mad?” I replied in surprise.

“They’re too busy being sycophants to be mad.”

“Oh.” I chuckled a bit. “Fuckin’ bootlickers.”

“What?”

“Uh, it’s a human thing, I guess. You don’t have boots here?”

“We do, kinda, but nopony really uses them. Although there was one Gala where this one country mare used cowmare boots as decorative shoes.” she got a far away look in her eyes, before shaking her head, “That was one of the best Gala’s I was at. And I’ve been to thousands.”

We arrived at the dining hall, the guards opening the doors as usual. We walked in, and the first thing I noticed was Luna, she looked eerily… awake. I blinked a couple of times, making sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. Her head snapped towards me.

God, she looks fuckin’ creepy.

“Cel. Cel, nevermind, I’m coming to court with you. Whatever you do, do not let her come near me.” I whispered loudly, turning my head only to find myself face to face with Luna.

HOLY SHIT!!! RUN MOTHERFUCKER RUN!!!

“HOLY JESUS CHRIST, I’M OUT!!!” I screamed as I sprinted straight at the table, Bo-Duking™ across it, before sprinting across the dining room to the door, smashing into it with my shoulder, the strike smashing through the wood from the sudden force. I tried to stop, my feet sliding across the floors making me fall onto my hands before flipping and sprinting to the left, shoes sliding on the floor.

THIS IS FUCKING CARPET, WHY ARE WE SLIDING?!

“My shoes are really worn down, kinda old.” I said to the voice. “Who are you, anyway?”

I’m… I’m not sure who I am, I only know what I am. I’m stardust, and I’m kinda the reason that you’re here.

“Really now? You’ll have to tell me at some point. Can’t say I’m complaining, I just kinda miss my family is all.” I said, surprisingly calm, given the circumstances.

Will do, boss man. So, what am I called? Just for future reference. Y’know, ease of access.

“Uh, ask me if we survive.” I risked a glance back, seeing Luna prancing with the same look on her face.

“Her face reminds me of a creepypasta… What was it? Jack… no…” I mumbled, still running away from that crazy sumbitch.

“Jeff the Killer” Stardust and I said at the same time, although he was more of a thought.

“Can you take on a female voice?” I questioned, intrigued by my new companion.

I don’t know, can I? It responded, a much more female voice now present.

“Your designation is now Sigma.” I replied.

What am I, some AI? She said.

“Darlin’, you’re the Cortana to my Master Chief.” I chuckled, proud of my reference.

Fair enough, Thad.

I glanced back, noticing the decrease in distance between myself and Jeff the Killer/Luna.

“So, uh, care to give me the breakdown of what we can do here, Sigma?” I said, yelping as I noticed the approaching wall.

Do you want all of it, or just the stuff useful to us at this moment?

“Preferably the useful parts.” I said as I pulled a sharp right, glancing back, there was about 15 metres between me and Luna.

Well, we have increased stamina, which is already working. We have a boost, jumps us forward a couple metres, although it’s really taxing. We could technically transform, but it might be uncomfortable.

“Will it help us?”

Well, yeah. It will give us extra friction on the floors.

“What can we transform into?”

Well, any number of things, provided we have the necessary mass. Monkey, a very large bird, a small dragon, a Luna sized stallion.

“How about the element of surprise, let’s go for the stallion.” I said, turning left

Prepare for some discomfort. Also, your nose might be a bit messed up.

“Whatever, just do it!” I yelled as I noticed the 7 metres between Luna and I.

Alright!

Nothing really changed except for height, I shrunk a little and hunched, my arms growing into forehooves alarmingly fast.

“Well, this isn’t really any different.” I glanced back, noticing two things, one being that Luna had lost her Jeff the Killer look, and was instead standing still with her jaw hanging open, and two, my “cutie mark” was some golden sparkles on a tan skin colour coat.

“CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOU LOONEY MARE, YOU’LL CATCH FLIES!” I screamed back as I ran away.

Convinced I lost that crazy mare, I slowed to a trot, looking for anything familiar.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where we are, would you?”

Since we got here, I’ve been making a map of the castle. This is uncharted territory though. But if we go straight and take a left, we should end up near the Solar Wing of the castle.

“Oh, good. Familiar territory. My territory.” I said, chuckling.

Soon, I grew tired of my pony form.

“Yo, Sigma?”

What’s up?

“Any chance I could go back to being human again?”

Sorry, Thad. You’re stuck like that a while longer, unless you want to drop from exhaustion.

“Shitty deal.” I grumbled, walking towards Cel’s living quarters.

I arrived outside of our door, turning around and retracing my steps with Celestia earlier that morning, mumbling the steps to myself.

Finally I arrived at the dining hall doors, noticing the lack of guards at the door. I thought it was going to be an easy walk in there, be reunited with Cel after 30 minutes of running. I was very wrong. I opened the doors, pressing a hoof on the split between the doors pushed them both open. I decided to open my return with a fun remark.

“Honey, I’m home!” I announced to the dining hall, attracting the attention of Celestia, who jumped up from her seat when she noticed me.

“Who are you?!” Cel snapped, stomping towards me

“Cel. Cel, it’s me. Cel, it’s Thaddeus.” I started stepping backwards, tripping over my hooves.

“Cel, CEL! Stop, please! It’s me, Thaddeus.”

I noticed the telltale glow, signifying that she was charging a spell.

“Cel! CELESTIA, STOP!” I started yelling, backing myself into a corner.

“Sigma, I need your help, what’s the ETA on transformation?” I thought.

It was ready before we got in here.

“Shit, that would have been useful earlier.” I thought, “However, it’s not going to be useful if she kills us with that spell, so DO IT NOW!”

Alright, Hun.

I felt my hooves shrink, and my fingers returning.

“CEL!” I yelped, a last ditch effort to preserve myself.

She looked up one last time, immediately stopping the charge of whatever spell it was.

“Tha-- What? How?” She sat down on her rump, looking at me cowering in a corner.

“I’ll… uh, I’ll explain later. Let’s have breakfast, shall we?”

“Uh, I… I guess.” She said, standing up and teleporting to her seat.

“Wow, we backpedaled quite some way, didn’t we?” I thought muttered, pushing myself from the ground.

Yeah, I guess we did. Shit happens fast when you’re being threatened with death.

“Heh, I guess so.” I thought.

I brushed my pants off, patting my pockets to make sure I didn’t lose anything in the transformation.

“Pens, phone, wallet… Yep, that’s all.” I mumbled to no one in particular.

I heard the doors open, everyone’s attention immediately snapped towards the door.

“SISTER! We fear we have lost your mate!” Luna announced to everyone in the dining hall, including Celestia, two servers, and me.

“What?” I heard Cel say from across the room, playing along.

“Your mate, Thaddeus, has turned into a pony and ran off.”

“Really?”

“Yes, he also called us a ‘Looney mare’ and told us that we would ‘catch flies’”

I snorted in a failed attempt to keep my laughter in, attracting attention of everyone who wasn’t aware that I was in the room, including Luna, and the two servers, who were still standing in the same place they had been when Luna had come in.

“THADDEUS!” Luna yelled, running towards me.

“Sigma, we need to get out of the way of her, before she impales us.” I thought.

Well, I can think of two ways to do that. We can either boost, or displace. However, if we use either we risk collapsing from exhaustion.

“Death, or exhaustion… Hmmm.” I thought, noticing the ever growing threat. 15 metres, 10, 8, 5, 3.

“DISPLACE, DISPLACE!” I screamed, realizing that she couldn’t stop herself.

I felt my body pull itself apart before dashing forward and pulling itself back together behind Luna.

I felt myself get control of my body, immediately collapsing from the tiredness that hit my body. Every muscle felt strained, all of my body felt like it couldn’t go on. I strained the muscles in my legs to push myself back onto my feet, groaning in pain. I heard sixteen hooves all moving at once, Cel and Luna running over to me, while the two servers ran to get out of the room.

“Thaddeus, are you alright?’ I heard Cel say in her heavenly voice.

“Cel, I need help.”

Jeez, captain obvious.

“Put your arm across my back” Cel said, bending down.

“Sigma, how long until I can walk on my own again?” I thought.

Approximately 15 minutes. You’re on the brink of dropping from exhaustion. Here, I’ll put a little something here… and there we go.

A little bar popped up, nearly empty, with a few labels.

“Exhaustion, walking, full power.” I mumbled.

“What?” I heard Celestia say, dragging me to a chair.

“Never mind, Cel.” I mumbled, darkness seeping into my vision.

As the bar slowly filled, the darkness grew more and more into my vision, nearly blinding me.

You’ll have to go to sleep to recover from this state of exhaustion

“How long?” I mumbled

About 15 minutes of sleep should allow you to walk, but you’ll have to get at least 8 hours of sleep to recover from using as much power as we have, or 16 hours of doing jack shit, while being awake.

“What are you saying, Thaddeus?” I could barely make out the words as I slipped into an unconscious state.

My eyes snapped open, I looked around, expecting to be in my old house. Instead I found myself in a circular room, populated by two entities, a shelf, a map table, and three doors. I glanced to the other entity, realizing it was a golden silhouette of a female.

“Sigma, at your service.” she said, holding out her hand, which I shook heartily.

“Good to meet you, Sigma. Now why am I here?” I questioned.

“Well, you’re here for a couple reasons, one was so I could finally meet you face to face.” She smiled.

“Let me stop you right there, I don’t mean to be an ass, but is there any chance you could take a more… solid form?” I said, smiling as she appeared as a fully formed female, looking normal except for the golden glow around the edge of her form.

“That’s better. Now, what are the other reasons for my being here?”

“As I was saying, you’re also here so I can show you my base of operations.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, this place should look familiar. I took it from your memory, after all.”

“I knew it looked familiar.” I turned on the spot, and spotted a dog bed next to the shelf. “But… I don’t even have a dog.” I muttered.

“Remember, it’s from your memory, I only removed stuff that could hold absolutely no use,-- she gestured to the third door --like the shop.”

“Wait, so you’re saying that I could have a pet in here?”

“I’m saying you could have a pet in the real world, that would join you here.”

“Oh, that’s pretty sweet, not gonna lie.”

“I thought so too.”

I stepped off the pedestal, looking around the room more. It was more or less exactly the same as I remembered it, except for a statue things were missing from the wall.

“Does this place actually function like the old place?” I said, turning to face Sigma.

“It might, I’m not certain. Let’s find out, shall we?” She said, walking towards the armory, with me not far behind.

“Moment of truth.” She said, as she pushed open the door. I gasped as we entered, noticing the weapons on the mannequins. God I hated mannequins, they make me anxious ever since the Skyrim glitch.

“Wow, look at these beauties.” I mumbled as I looked at the four weapons being held by the mannequins. A hammer, a sword, a pistol, and a rifle.

“Huh, beautiful weapons, these are.” Sigma mumbled.

I started towards the melee weapons, mentally weighing my choices. I grabbed the hammer from the mannequin, giving it a few test swings. I decided to try something a bit more risky, turning towards the empty mannequins on the back wall, I ran towards them before placing the flat of the head on the ground, launching myself into the air and shifting my grip on the handle, swinging it overhead and smashing it into the ground… In reality, I ran and tumbled into the mannequins, knocking them over like bowling pins.

“Welp, that was a failure.” I announced as I walked back to the original mannequins, placing the hammer back, before picking up the sword and swinging it around a couple times, listening to the whistle of the air on the edge of the blade.

“This is much more comfortable.” I said, pulling the sheath from around the mannequin’s waist, placing it on my own before walking over to the ranged weapons, I picked up the pistol first, examining the weapon, before walking back to the center of the room, firing off a couple shots at the downed mannequins.

“Inaccurate, but fast. Is it worth it?” I muttered, walking back over to the rifle.

“I presume you’re the opposite?” I said as I grabbed the rifle and turning back to the centre of the room, stopping and turning, like those military marchers, before bringing the stock of the rifle to my shoulder and firing, the head of the mannequin exploding into bits.

“I like you, ye bastahd.” I said in a scottish accent, grabbing the bandolier off the mannequin, slinging it over my shoulder, I backpedaled to the door, next to Sigma.

“You done, boss?” She said, rotating on her heel.

“I guess I am, Sigma. Let’s go check out the other rooms.” I said, looking up and noting the meter, nearing the “walking” mark.

We walked out of the room, turning to the wardrobe room, if the emblem above was anything to go off of.

Sigma pushed the door in, allowing us both entry. I glanced around the room, looking at the sets of mannequins. Only one of them was clothed, in my current clothes.

“Welp, there’s not a whole lot happening here.” I said, shaking my head in disappointment.

“Yep, not a whole lot at all. Either way, any clothes you wear will be sent here, along with any weapon you wield being sent to the armory. There, unique effects will be placed on them.” Sigma replied.

“Well, what do you say we check out the other room, then?”

“Sure thing, Thad.” Sigma said as we turned and walked out of the room.

We walked out of the room, looking around the room before continuing to the last room, which if memory served, should be the treasury.

We walked in, examining the room as we moved through it. There was a large shelf in the wall, and steps leading down to… 7 currency. I counted. I picked up each piece of gold, and stacked them upon each other, placing it in the corner of the steps.

“Well, this is petty.” I muttered.

“Thaddeus, any currency you gain will come here.”

“I figured.-- I pointed in the opposite corner --Look, there’s even cobwebs.” I chuckled at that, taking note of the bar bypassing the walking stage, working its way towards full power, although that was 8 hours of sleep away.

We walked back out, leaning on the map table.

“Here, is the map of Equestria, the heart of the sanctuary. It even goes in 3-D!” She announced, flipping a switch on the underside of the table, making a hologram appear over the map, visualizing the mountains and towns.

“That’s pretty sweet.” I said.

She reached across the table, tapping the area where the castle was. “That’s what I said!”

The hologram of the map centered on the castle, before zooming in and showing a map of the inside of the castle, where there was a lot of empty area, and some halls faded out into nothingness.

“This is everywhere we’ve been in the castle.-- She pulls out a retractable pointing stick from the underside of the table and started gesturing to several rooms, --Here is the dining hall, and here is the Solar wing, our home now. And over here is the Lunar wing, where Looney lives. The court room is near the entrance of the castle.” She states matter-of-factly.

“Alright, I’ll try to keep it in mind.”

“Do you want a minimap?”

“Uh, no thanks. That sounds like it might be intrusive.”

“Whatever you say, boss man.” She states, shrugging.

“Apparently I can walk around now, Sigma.”

“You can indeed. That’s not a bad idea, considering Cel is nearly in tears.”

That got my attention,“Wake me up, now.”

“Step on the pad over there.” She said, gesturing to my arrival point.

“Alright, the visit was nice. Have fun!” I yelled, feeling my consciousness returning.

My eyes snapped open, finding Cel’s face a couple inches away from mine. I reached up, pulling her face closer and kissing her, lifting myself up a bit in the process.

“Hi, honey. I’m home.” I said groggily, sitting up.

A lone tear trailed down her face, dropping off of her face and onto my shirt.

“Come on now, there’s no need to cry, love.” I said, lifting her chin, squeaking as she threw her hooves around my shoulders.

“Wh-What happened to you, Thaddeus?” She stammered, looking at me.

“It’s a long story.” I said, pecking her on the lips.

“Shorten it.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Simplify it.”

“Don’t you have court?”

“I can cancel it.”

I sighed, knowing I wasn’t going to win this one, I mean, she’s a female. You can’t win against a female.

“Fine, but can we eat first?”

“Sure, I presumed you would want the same thing as yesterday, so I took the liberty of requesting it for you.” She said, much calmer than before. We took our seats, eating our food in silence, while Luna sat at the end of the table with her head in her hooves.

“She thought you died.” Celestia stated.

“Should… Shouldn’t we tell her that I’m not?” I questioned, staring down at Luna.

“She’s the reason you passed out, is she not?”

“I… I guess, I technically passed out from exhaustion, but the only reason I was exhausted was because of her. So, yeah, I suppose she is.” I said, chuckling quietly.

“Exactly.”

“That’s kinda cruel.”

“She’ll live.” She said calmly, taking a bite out of her pancakes.

We finished our food with ten minutes to spare, so I jumped into explaining what had happened throughout the day, Sigma reminding me of stuff I forgot occasionally.

“That’s… interesting. So, now you can transform into a pony?”

“It’s not happening for now, lest you want me to pass out again,” I stated, noting a small “Estimated time of full power” timer popping up above the meter. “But I am capable of it.”

“Interesting. And you said something about weapons?” She said, a hint of worry in her eyes.

“I’m… I’m not certain about that. I mean, either of us can see that I have no weapons, so…” I trailed off, leaning on the table. I looked back, a bit of worry present when I realized Luna hadn’t moved.

“I think she’s had enough, don’t you?” I said, looking at Cel.

“No, leave her for a bit.”

“Not happening, hun.” I said, lifting my arm before smashing a fist on the table, shaking it and causing the bends in Luna’s legs to give out, dropping her face onto the table.

“OW!” Luna yelped, putting her hooves on her nose before looking up at me.

I raised my arm, waving and smirking. “Hi?” I said.

“Thaddeus! You’re not dead!” She yelled.

Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious.

“Yeah, it’s me. The one and only resident human. I guess.” I said, my eyes widening as she charged towards me.

“Luna, how about we try and walk over here, instead of running? No? Okay, Cel… Cel, help me out here. Cel. Cel! Help!” I cried, putting my hands in front of me to lessen the impact, before I heard Luna hit something in front of me. I opened an eye, seeing a golden shield.

“Thank you, dear.”

“Couldn’t have my new coltfriend being hospitalized, could we?”

“No, I don’t think I’d enjoy that.” I said.

Luna shook her head, recovering from the sudden stop. As I always said, it’s not the speed that kills, it’s the sudden stop. I felt a familiar feeling of weightlessness, Luna pulling me in and throwing her hooves over my shoulders, nearly crushing me as she squeezed, I got the that I was drowning and started pushing away from her, only making her squeeze harder. I heard a pop from my spine, before I heard another pop, the crushing feeling gone.

“You’re a life saver, Cel.” I said, gasping in between words.

“Just because I already saved you, doesn’t mean that you can go and get hospitalized.”

“Fair enough.” I said, having gained enough oxygen to stop gasping.

“So, what kind of work do I have to do for you now, Luna?”

Really? She made you collapse from exhaustion, and you’re going to work for her now?

“I plan on honouring my promises.” I thought.

Judging by your memories, that’s a new part of your morals.

“Yeah, well this is a new start.”

I guess it is, but still, you didn’t even promise you would work for her.

“Whatever, I’m going to work for her. It’ll be something to do. Maybe It’ll be fun.” I thought, trying to appease Sigma.

It’s possible. Maybe she’ll make us do repairs. I know you enjoy the manly manual labour. Not that girly stuff like dusting.

“Exactly. See? You’re getting my mind set now.”

“Are you alright, Thaddeus?” I heard Luna say, worry in her voice.

“Yes! I mean, yes, I’m fine. Just thinking is all.”

“Oh, ‘tis alright then. Are you certain you still want to help me? You did just wake up, after all.” She said, Cel shaking her head in the background.

“Now that I think about it, maybe it’s not such a great idea. Maybe tomorrow.” I said, shrugging.

“‘Tis an understandable decision. Would you accompany me to my chambers?”

“Of course, m’lady.” I said, cringing as I said that. “If I ever say ‘m’lady’ again, hit me.” I said to the two princesses.

“Understood.” They said simultaneously, looking at each other before giggling.

“Alright. Let’s get going, Luna.” I said, turning to Celestia and kissing her, “I’ll see you soon, dear. I still owe you that massage, maybe that’ll happen tonight, provided I don’t injure myself again, and if you’re on your best behaviour.” I whispered, biting the tip of her ear as I leaned back, jogging to Luna before throwing a wink back over my shoulder.

We stepped out of the dining hall, turning to the left, walking in silence before I heard Luna mumble something.

“What was that?”

“Us? I mean, Me? It was nothing.” She said, a faint blush barely visible against her midnight blue coat.

“What is it, Luna? Do you want me to carry you again? Sleep with you?” I said, chuckling.

“We… I enjoyed being carried. It reminded us of years ago, as a foal.”

“Oh, well in that case…” I trailed off, grunting as I bent down and lifted her. She squirmed a bit in my hold, getting comfortable before releasing a satisfied coo.

“You must be quite strong, considering some minotaurs have had trouble lifting me.”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “And why would minotaurs be trying to lift you in the first place, Luna?”

“Minotaurs are a very strength based race, and if someone were to challenge another to lift something, or in several cases, somepony, they would be ashamed to admit they couldn’t, so they would pick up ponies to show their strength.” She said, nuzzling my arm.

“Well… I’m not really weak. Back at home I tried to visit the gym at least once a week, however that rarely happened.” I said, shaking my head slowly at the thought of home.

“Is… Is something wrong, Thaddeus?” She said, looking into my eyes with her large turquoise eyes.

“No, no. I’m fine, I kinda miss my home though. Miss my dog.” I said, smiling as thoughts of my dog ran through my head.

“We could get you a new dog.” She said, “Everyone in the royal family has a pet, and assuming you won’t be leaving anytime soon-- She glares at me --I’m certain it could be arranged to get you a pet of your own.”

“Maybe I’ll take you up on that, m’dear.” I said, inhaling sharply and staggering as I felt a hoof impact the side of my face.

“What the fuck was that for?” I yelled.

“You said to hit you if you said that again.” She responded innocently.

“No, I said hit me again if I said ‘m’lady’ again.” I said, rubbing my cheek on my shoulder.

“Oh, well then accept my apologies.” She said, leaning up and kissing where she impacted, causing a blush to spring to life on my face.

“I-Uh, that wasn’t necessary, Luna. Let’s just agree that there’s going to be no hitting between us, yeah?” I said, nodding as she nodded. “Excellent.”

Take a right here.

“Thanks.” I thought.

It’s why I’m here.

“That’s not true. But I can’t think right now, y’know, I heard blunt force impact impairs that.” I thought, chuckling.

You have no internal damage, although you might have a bruise. Want me to heal that?

“Nah, save the energy. I can’t feel it.” I thought, arriving in front of Luna’s door.

“We’re here, Luna.” I said to the mare, who was currently falling asleep in my arms.

“How art thou so warm?” She mumbled, looking at me expectantly.

“Evolution.” I said simply, using the heel of my shoe to unlatch the door, hopping back on one foot before staggering and falling onto my ass, gasping for breath as Luna’s full weight landed on my chest.

“Are all my ribs intact?” I thought, groaning.

Uh, yeah, but if you keep damaging them, they’ll break. And ribs are much harder to fix, and I’m still repairing your nose, which is a constant drain.

“Good point, how’s that coming along?” I thought.

It’s going, should be fixed by the end of the week. I could put a little more into it, but we would start losing too much energy, and it’s not easy to stop a dam once you let it go, so it would risk killing you. If your energy reserves ever deplete while something is using it, it will drain the next most potent form of energy, being your life force. You should probably get up.

“Valid point. Thanks, Sigma.”

No problem. Might I recommend that we go and train with our new weapons after we put this Looney mare to bed?

“Not a bad suggestion.”

Alright, I’ll do what I can about finding the training grounds

“You do that.”

I groaned, lifting Luna off of my chest, gasping greedily for air as the weight was removed from my chest, freeing up space.

“I have a feeling that I wasn’t lucky enough to leave my misfortune behind on Earth.” I sighed, groaning as I picked up Luna yet again, carrying her bridal style, before turning to sidestep through the door.

“Now arriving in Luna’s Bedchambers, make sure to take all your belongings.” I announced, chuckling.

“What?” Luna said.

“It’s… Nevermind, it’s an Earth thing.” I said, giving up on trying to explain my humour.

“Okay.” She said, squeaking as I heaved her onto the middle of her bed. I kneeled on the edge of the bed, brushing her mane back before kissing her forehead.

“Now go to sleep. You want to be good and rested for your first day of school tomorrow.”

“That sounds like something a father would say to his child… You do realize I’m thousands of years older than you, don’t you?” She said, looking up, expecting an answer.

“It’s… It’s a parent thing.” I said in a depressed tone.

“A parent thing… Thaddeus, you weren’t a father, were you?”

“Not a biological father… Just a stand in, I guess.” I said, sitting back down, figuring I was going to have to explain myself.

“A… A stand in?”

“I was in highschool at the time, I had something going on with this one girl throughout the year, but it was never anything serious. One day she came to me, claiming she was pregnant, and I turned and ran. I was too young, this was too soon. So I ran from it. I ignored her whenever she tried to talk to me. And then 9 months later, she wouldn’t stop calling, so I finally answered. And she said that she was in labour, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so I took my dads car and drove to the hospital.” I took a shaky breath, tears rolling down my face.

“I was only 15, nearly 16, so I took the car and drove it there illegally. I arrived, and sat in the waiting room for hours. Finally, at 5:30 they came out, saying I could see the child now. I had jumped up, wanting to run down the hall. After calming myself, I walked down with the doctor.
‘This isn’t my kid, this isn’t my kid’ I kept thinking to myself. As soon as I saw the kid, I knew that it wasn’t mine. There were no similarities, but I knew who he did have a similarity to. Some deadbeat kid at our school. Probably turned her away as soon as she said that she was pregnant. I knew it wasn’t my kid, and I resented her for a long time for not telling me what had happened.” I stopped, sobbing.

“She asked me what I thought we should name it, and I said ‘I don’t care’. I will never forget the look she gave me, it was one of betrayal, hurt. But I didn’t care, not at that point. But I knew she wouldn’t be able to support the kid on her own, so the next day I applied at a store nearby, and I got the job. I started working part time afterschool, just to support this kid. Buy her diapers, buy her this, buy her that. I hated it. Every day I asked myself the same question. ‘Why? Why am I working for her? It’s not my kid, it has no resemblance of me at all. His eye colour isn’t even the same as mine or hers, but I know who’s eye colour he does have.” I stopped, unclenching my fists before continuing.

“I worked myself to the bone, every day for four years. I had no time to myself, only to work and school. I couldn’t tell my parents that I was working, or else they’d make me pay rent. And I couldn’t tell them I had a child, or else I’d be out of home too. So I kept everything under wraps, making sure I tied up anything that could come and bite me in the ass. I was visiting her every day, just to play with him. I had no attachment to her, only to Nathan. I bathed him, changed his diaper when I was there. I made sure he had food, every day for four years. I drove him to preschool. I grew to love him like my own flesh and blood. For four years I took care of him, and then him and his mom,” I spat out, grimacing, “ just fucking up and left. I had no idea where she went, I called every day. Every fucking day for a month. She just fucking vanished. She didn’t come to school. She wasn’t anywhere. She wasn’t at her house. So I gave up. I gave her fucking everything. I gave up my personal life, dealt with the rumours floating around, and she couldn’t tell me that she was fucking leaving. I wanted to kill her, just watch the life drain from her face. If I ever ran into her again, I swore I would kill her right then and there.” I turned and looked at Luna, seeing the terrified look on her face.

“Sorry. Anyway, I started thinking rationally, and I just gave up on her. I missed the kid dearly. I loved him like my own flesh and blood, even though I knew he wasn’t my kid. But I hated her. But I calmed down, and decided I wouldn’t kill her. Just use a whole lot of choice words. Loudly.” That was 2 months ago.” I sighed, letting the tears flow. “So to answer your question, I guess I was a father.” I felt a shuffling on the bed, turning to see Luna with her forehooves outstretched. I laid down beside her, hugging her tightly.

“We had no idea.”

Neither did I.
“You had no way of knowing.” I said.

“Yeah, well I tried to forget.” I thought.

Sigma decided to keep quiet, I was glad for the silence, just the breathing of Luna and her hallway chariot.

I tried to sit up, finding myself getting pulled closer by a now sleeping Luna. I struggled for a bit before remembering a weak spot of these crazy ponies. I reached up and scratched behind her ear slowly, eliciting a slight moan of something, before speeding up, Luna reached her hooves up, trying to get my hand to stopped bothering her, allowing me to quickly roll out of her reach… And right onto the floor. It hurt less than I had expected, allowing me to recover quickly and get out of the room.

I stepped into the hall, cracking my neck.

“Did you find out where the training courtyard is?”

I’ve known for a while now, I just figured I would let you vent on Luna for a while.

“Good idea. It feels good to have that off my chest.” I said out loud, much easier than saying it in my head.

It’s not good to bottle your feelings up.

“I know, Sigma. You’re my Artificial Intelligence, not my life coach, god damn it.”

Can’t I be both?

“‘Tis depends, are you going to continue telling me stuff I already know?”

Uh, probably.

“Then no.”

Damn.

“Now lead the way to the courtyard, I want to hit some things.”

Alright… It’s straight ahead. We’ve passed it twice in the the past 20 hours.

“Really now?”

Yep.

I walked down the hall, before breaking into a run.

“I love running.”

I’ve noticed.

“You’ve been getting very punctual, Sigma. Something bothering you?”

Your child story. I’m trying to figure out why I couldn’t find it.

“Like I said, I tried to forget it.”

But I have access to everything.

“Even my, uh, first time?”

Yep.

“Alright, it’s one memory out of all of them. It was a depressing experience. Maybe emotionally traumatic experiences are held under lock and key. Can we just drop it?” I said, a fire of rage burning in my gut as I rounded the corner, seeing a door leading to outside.

“How do I get my weapons?” I growled.

I-Uh-One moment. There you go.

“Thanks.” I growled again, an intense urge to fight rising in my chest as I shoved the door open, I ran down the stairs, excited to be outside for the first time in three days.

“Well well well, if it isn’t the castles newest resident pet.” I heard a pony say from my left, my head snapped towards the source of the voice.

“What?” I growled loudly.

“You heard me, monkey.” He said, his compatriots laughing, “You been getting nice and cozy with Princess Celestia. I heard you have a bed in the corner of her room.” His friends laughing.

“Keyword being ‘cozy’. How do you think she’d react to her new ‘pet’ getting harassed, huh?” I said, trying to avoid a fight.

“Oh, he’s a snitch. Not sure about your monkey village, but around here, snitches get stitches.” He said, looking back at his crowd that he’d gathered.

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but my dog was bigger than you. And if you want to give me stitches, you’re free to try. How about we take this over there, in the sparring ring?” I said, pulling my sword out before stabbing it into the ground, creating a small ring of dust and pebbles to puff up.

“Any chance you could get the hammer out here? I’d prefer to not have to end this with conflict. I’d much rather inspire enough fear to stop this from turning into a fight.” I thought, chuckling as the swords handle extended, the end rising out of the ground and turning into a blunt head. I hefted it over my shoulder. It may not weigh that much, but it’s still quite a heft.

“Still want to go?” I said, chuckling at the fear on his friends faces. But this fool stood tall, challenging me.

“Yeah, let’s go.” He said.

“I’d like my sword back now, since this is turning into a fight. But could you dull the edges, so it can only cause bruises?” I thought.

It’ll take a bit of energy.

“Will I still be able to walk?”

Yeah, with a bit to spare.

“Then do it.” I thought, watching as the hammer’s handle shrunk down into a hilt, the head turning into a long blade. “Thanks.” I thought.

Yep.

“Are you still looking into why you couldn’t find the child memory?”

Maybe?

“Fine, do what you want. Just make sure it doesn’t interfere with… nevermind.”

“Hey, we’re using sparring swords!”

“Those tiny things? Come on. My sword is pretty much a sparring blade anyway. It’s not even sharp enough to cut butter.” I said, holding my blade out, “Come on, touch it.” I said, running my hand down the blade. “Come on. Are you scared? It’s not too late to back down.”

He stepped forward, running his hoof down the edge. “That is pretty blunt. Missing an enchantment though.” He nodded his head to one of his co-workers, who came up and cast a spell on both our blades. “Numbing agent. Numbs any limb on contact.”

“Alright, pretty boy, let’s dance.” I said, turning and walking to my side of the ring, him walking to his side, with his co-workers gathering around. He levitated his sword above him, meeting mine in the middle before it returned to him as we circled each other, each of us throwing taunts.

“Come on, monkey, I’ll even give you a free hit.”

“No, I have some sort of honour, unlike you. Your significant other is a nice mare, inside and out.”

“Yeah, how was it being sub to something less than half your height?”

I lunged forward, thrusting towards his chest.

“Like you said, less than half my height. Pretty hard for someone to be dom over someone a foot taller than them, nevermind three feet.”

He jumped forward, slashing back and forth before the sword disappeared, I heard a pop over my shoulder before I felt my sword arm go numb. My sword fell to the ground, disappearing and appearing at my hip in its sheath.

“What are you going to do now, monkey?” He yelled, his friends cheering.

I dodged a slash at my chest and rolled forward, grabbing the underside as his armour and using my momentum to flip him, positioning myself on his barrel and raising my fist above my head.

“Monkeys don’t usually use swords, asshole. Now give me one good reason to not knock you out cold.” I growled, slapping his helmet off of him.

“It… It wouldn’t look good for the princess?”

“Not good enough,-- I feigned a punch --I could just explain what happened. You have 3 seconds.” I growled.

“I-Uh-I… I DON’T HAVE A REASON!” he screamed.

“Good.” I said, bringing my hand down before stopping it just before his face. “Now, get your ass off the ground.” I growled, standing up and towering over him. I walked to the middle, pulling my sword back out of it’s sheath and spinning in a slow circle.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?” I yelled to the crowd that had gathered. I heard a clapping noise, turning to the noise to find a large pony leaning on a training dummy, slow clapping me, who was also accompanied by a small purple unicorn.

“YOU!” I roared, “YOU SEEM TO THINK YOU’RE A CHALLENGE?”

“I don’t think I’m anything,” He said calmly, “I know I am.” The purple unicorn tugged on his armour, whispering something in his ear, before he shook his head.

“I am the Captain of the Solar Guard. I have nothing to fear of you, monkey.” He added emphasis on monkey, knowing it would piss me off.

I threw my sword straight down, where the force buried it hilt deep. “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE, THE NEXT PERSON WHO CALLS ME A MONKEY IS GOING TO BE EATING THROUGH A STRAW!” I roared.

“Alright, monkey, let’s fight.”

“How many times can I use displace?” I thought, formulating a plan.

About three times, provided they aren’t back to back, and if I stop the healing of your nose.

“Do it, I want to set an example.” I thought.

Done.

“Thank ya’ kindly, darlin’.” I thought

Mm.

I turned my focus back to the white unicorn.

“Come over here, then.” I yelled. There was a flash, and suddenly he was in the ring, lifting the sword from his fallen comrade.

“So, you’re Celestia’s new pet that I’ve been hearing so much about.”

“Are pets around here usually sentient?”

“Well, no.”

“I figured as much, now put your money where your mouth is, and ATTACK ME! I roared, pounding my chest.

He saw his opening and he took it, what he didn’t expect was me to disappear and reappear in front of him.

“Hi, honey. I’m home.” I said in a cheery voice before flicking the tip of his horn. From my experiences with Cel’s horn, it could be a very pleasurable thing, or a very painful thing. Turns out, flicking it is painful. I heard the wooden sparring sword hit the dirt behind me while I grabbed onto the collar of his armour, throwing him on his back and into the dirt. I jumped onto his chest, the same way I did the previous contender, and hit his armour, bending it and causing a bit of pain to him.

“Now, I could break your jaw right now, but I don’t want to do that, and I’m certain you don’t want that. I also want a longer fight, so if you can teleport, I’d suggest you do that now.” I said, rolling away. I turned and crouched, reaching back and taking off my shoes and socks, glancing back to make sure I wasn’t about to be attacked.

“How’s your horn doing, hun? Do you need me to apply cream for you?” I taunted reaching one arm up to the back of my shirt, grabbing the collar and throwing it with my shoes, circling him, placing one foot over the other.

“What are you now, a spider?” He counter taunted.

“Huh, I figured some big military guy like you would know of something like this.” I said “Maybe you should get purple over there to fill you in.” I chuckled.

“He’s lowering his center of mass!” I heard a female voice yell over the roar of the other guards, presumably purple.

“She has a name, y’know.”

“I would imagine you both do, all of you do. You can tell me later, when we go out for drinks.” I said, chuckling “You’re buying.”

“Tell you what, I win, you buy drinks.-- I cut him off.

“Actually, I’m not. I just arrived three days ago. I don’t have money.”

“Alright, I win, I’ll figure out what you have to do later. You win, I’ll buy the first five rounds.” He said, reaching a hoof to center, where I grabbed it and shook.

“Fair enough.” I said, lunging at him from across the sparring area, grabbing his neck and wrapping my legs around his barrel. “I would love to keep this going for longer, but I’m kinda looking forward to seeing Cel in a bit. So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take a dive for you, because I know how it feels to be embarrassed in front of family members. It’s a pretty shitty feeling, isn’t it?” I whispered, chuckling at his attempt to nod while I had him in a sleeper hold. “Alright, here’s how it’s gonna go. I’m gonna let go, jump up, and yell ‘Is that all you got?’ while turning in a circle. When my back is towards you, pick up your sword and hit me in the neck. I’ll go down like a sack of potatoes.” I whispered in his ear, waiting for a nod from his white, going blue face. He nodded rapidly, kicking his hooves in the air. I unwrapped my legs from his barrel, pushing off before quickly getting up.

“IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?” I said, turning a slow circle and bracing for the impact of the blade. I felt the blade hit my neck and I lost feeling to everything below it, collapsing from the sudden lack of feeling in my legs. I heard a spell being charged, and I could feel everything again.

“It would have worn off soon, but I’d prefer to say thanks face to face, not face to back.” I heard him say as I rolled over. He extended his hoof as the ring broke up, helping me back to my feet. “Names Shining Armour, Captain of the Solar Guard.”

I nodded, “Thaddeus Quinn, Princess Celestia’s… pet.” I said, covering for the secret I just about spilled.

“I already know. My fiancè already told me about you and her.” He said, chuckling. “Speaking of which, isn’t that her?” He nodded towards the stairs from whence I had come, and sure enough, my new girlfriend was standing. I groaned.

“You win some, you lose some.” I said, shaking my head slowly. “Who’s your wife-to-be?”

He nodded to the pink alicorn joining my girlfriend on the steps. “That one.”

I looked over, blinked a couple times, and looked back, “She looks young...er than Celestia. Either way, nice catch.” I said, holding my fist out, which he bumped.

“Yeah. But you have Celestia. She is the very definition of beauty to this nation.”

“I… I guess, but she’s younger than Cel. What’s her name, by the way?” I said.

“Oh, she’s Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but she prefers Cadence or Princess Cadence.”

“Mi… Amore. On my world, Mi Amore is my love in another language.”

“Well, she is the Princess of Love. That’s one hell of a coincidence though.” He said, chuckling.

Our two mares were talking in between themselves, laughing occasionally. We started the trek towards them, weaving in between the guards. We arrived in front of them, Shining kissing his wife-to-be, while I went to step beside Cel, suddenly being pulled into a kiss.

“I thought we were keeping it on the down low?” I said as we broke apart.

“What’s the point of being in a relationship if no one knows?” She said, creating a valid point that I wasn’t going to bother arguing, instead choosing to shrug. I tried to lift my shirt up to dry my face of sweat, before realizing that it was sitting beside the sparring ring. I turned back to Celestia to see her eying my body hungrily.

“What am I, Just a piece of meat to you?” I said.

She snapped out of her stupor, “Sorry, the smell was intoxicating.”

I bopped her nose, kissing her lightly, “I was kidding, love. I’ll be right back.” I said, hopping onto the railing and running along it, before jumping off and running across the training courtyard, retrieving my shirt, socks, and shoes, jumping over a couple ponies on the way back.

“It’s lunch time now.” Cel announced to the three other ponies and one human present, turning and opening the door, gesturing for everyone to file through. I walked ahead, leaning on the door and gesturing for Cel to go through, as she went through, I slapped her sun, causing everyone to turn around as Cel jumped.

“What? Hold the door for a lady, and slap her ass on the way through. That’s the gentleman’s way.” I said, Shining and me laughing before our significant others shot us glares, although Celestia’s was more a “You’ll pay for that” glare than a mad one.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, love.” I whispered into Cel’s ear, biting the tip as I leaned back. I threw my arm across Cel’s withers, leaning on her ever so slightly as we walked, our troop of five. Purple, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Shining Armour, Princess Celestia, and me. I leaned forward, tapping Purple on the back in an attempt to get her attention, which worked. She jumped before looking over her shoulder. I gave a small wave.

“Hi.” I said.

“Oh, hi!” She said, slowing down until she was beside me.

“How goes it?” I said, making conversation.

“It goes, if finding out your brother couldn’t tell you that he was getting married personally counts as goes.” She said, glaring at her brother, “And yourself?”

“Eh, I’ve been better… Who am I kidding, these past three days have been the best days in the past couple months.” I said, smiling, “And if it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t even invited to my sisters wedding. I came home and no one was home, just a note saying everyone else was at a wedding, which I later found out was my sisters. By the way, I never caught your name.”

She jumped, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Twilight Sparkle.” She said, stopping and bowing.

“I-Uh-What?” I stammered, confused.

“I figured that since you and Princess-- I cut her off.

“Uh, no. If Cel and I were married, that would be different story. Even then, I wouldn’t want anyone to bow to me anyway.” I said, shaking my head, “So no bowing. Not until me and this mare-- I stopped, kissing Cel, -- are married. Even then, I’d prefer that you wouldn’t bow.” I said, flinching as I felt something flick me in the back of the neck, I turned to the culprit, “What was that for?” I said, glaring at Cel.

“What’s her name?” She said.

“Uh, Twilight Sparkle. Why?” I responded.

“And what’s your name?” She whispered in my ear.

“Cel, you know god damn we- Oh, whoops.” I said, turning back to Twilight.

“Sorry, my name is Thaddeus Quinn.” I said, a sheepish smile placing itself on my face.

“It’s alright.” She giggled, before a serious look took her face, “But in all seriousness, can I--” I cut her off again.

“If any of the next words are research, examine, or study, and slash or any synonyms, the answer is no.” I said.

“But--”

“Here, I’ll cut you a deal. If you can promise me that if I say stop, you will, and that I won’t be bound to a table, I’ll do it.” I said, extending my hand, “Deal?”

“Deal!” She exclaimed, placing her hoof in my palm and shaking it.

“Oh, and my underwear stay on.” I added.

“But how will I study…” She trailed off, blushing. “Yeah, I think I can deal with that.” She said.

I felt someones breath on my ear, before a whisper, “I hope that rule doesn’t apply to our study session later.” Cel said.

I turned my head, “Provided you’re a good mare for the rest of the day, I don’t think that should be a problem.” I whispered, kissing her cheek before her head whipped around, pulling me closer with her magic and kissing me.

“I’m always a good mare. You’ll be seeing my bad mare side later tonight.”

“I can’t wait.” I said, throwing my arm over her back again.

We arrived outside of the dining hall, I quickly pulled my arm back to my side as I saw the guards before feeling Celestia’s magic tug it back up and onto her back.

“What’s the point of having a relationship if no one knows?” Cel said, smirking.

The guards opened the door, our troop of five filing into the room, only to be greeted by five more ponies and a bipedal, so I decided to liven up the place a bit. I grabbed Twilight. “I HAVE A HOSTAGE!” I yelled to the room, the guards outside looked in before remembering the earlier fiasco with Luna, and decided against action. Meanwhile, the five ponies jumped into action, each of them grabbing fruits from the bowl in front of them, readying them. Well, four of them readied themselves, one fainted, and the bipedal jumped onto the table.

“Release her!” The purple and green bipedal yelled. He looked like a lizard.

“What are you going to do about it, Spyro?” I yelled back, scratching behind Twilight’s ear to show her I was kidding, she squirmed in my grip. I yanked my sword out of its sheath, placing the dull edge in front of Twilight, not wanting to risk accidentally cutting her, even though the blade couldn’t cut shit.

“THIS!” he yelled, throwing the orange he was holding, which sailed through the air and hit the floor in front of Twilight, triggering all the others to start throwing their fruits. I started making my way to the table, the princesses and Shining had long since vacated the shooting gallery, so everything was free game, including Twilight. The orange mare who had dropped her hat kicked two fruits at me, both of which were speeding at me, before they hit my sword and split in two, shooting off up and down, one of them bouncing off of my forehead, and the other hitting just above my crotch.

“Sigma, I have made a horrible decision. Can I still use displace?” I thought, side stepping towards the table, hoping to find some sort of cover.

Yeah, you can use it the remaining two times from the fight.

“Excellent, I’m going to throw my sword on the table. Make sure it doesn’t return to me.” I thought, smirking.

Got it, where to?

“The furthest chair you can get me to.” I thought, feeling myself popping up behind a chair next to Cadence. “Hi. Keep this safe for me.” I said, throwing my sword onto the table. “Now, get me behind Cel’s chair.” I thought, popping up behind Celestia before standing up and leaning over the back of the chair.

“Hi, hun. Could you get me a chair?” I said, kissing her as my chair popped up beside hers. I hopped over the back of it, sitting down as the blue one went to investigate my sword. I leaned over and kissed Celestia again, “You’re a life saver. What would I do without you?” I said, laughing loudly, giving away my position.

“Probably get barraged with fruits.” She said, giggling.

“Princess! Get away from him! He’s dangerous!” The blue one yelled, flying above the table as she held up an orange.

I glanced around, looking at Celestia, then Twilight, then Shining Armour. And then we all burst out laughing. Shining was the first to recover enough to talk.

“Hi-im? Da-angerous to his n-new marefriend? That’s a good one.” He said, laughing.

“I me-an, he has a b-roken nose.” Said Celestia.

The three of us stopped laughing. Shining was the first to break out of the shock.

“Your nose is broken? Generally that makes ponies ugly.” He said, chuckling a bit.

“Yeah, I broke it on the floor. Ended up sneezing blood all over Luna.” I said, glancing around at everyone’s gasps. “Calm down. You’re acting like I killed someone.”

“Yeah, yourself.” The blue one said, still holding her fruit above her head, prepared to throw it if I tried anything.

“I’m still around, aren’t I?” I said, patting myself, “Yeah, I feel pretty solid. Plus, I don’t think Celestia would let her kill me.” I said, everyone chuckling and returning the fruits to the bowl, taking their seats.

“I’m presuming everyone knows everyone here, except for me. So, I am Thaddeus Quinn. Equestria’s resident alien.” I said, pushing my chair back and walking towards the group of seven, Twilight recently joining them. I reached the orange mare first, she took off her hat and stood up, lowering herself into a bow. I bent down, lifting her chin to face me, before I picked her up, holding her like a baby.

“Let this be an example for the other five of you. The next pony who bows is going to get manhandled.” I said, chuckling at blue’s reaction as I set the orange pony back on her hooves. I held out my hand, orange placed her hoof in my hand, shaking it.

“Applejack.”

“Thaddeus. Pleasure to meetcha’.”

“Ah’d say the same.”

I stood up, walking to the next chair, where a white unicorn was seated. I held out a hand, which she placed her hoof in lightly.

“Rarity.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Rarity. I am Thaddeus.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well…” She trailed off.

I ignored it, walking over to the pink pony. Holding out my hand, she took it and shoot heartily.

“Pinkie Pie!” She said loudly, pulling a card from her mane.

“Thaddeus. I have a feeling you have thing for parties.” I said, noting the balloons on her thigh.

She gasped, “Are you a mind reader?” She said in a hushed whisper.

“I am a lot of things, but a mind reader is not one of them.” I said, “And before you ask, No, I don’t really want a party.” I said, watching her mane deflate. “However, if you promise it’ll be a small party, then I’ll allow it.” I finished, watching her spring into the air and try to dart off, before a lasso wrapped around her tail, pulling her back down into her chair.

“Woah, Nelly. We still gotta prepare for the weddin’.” Applejack said.

“Yes, darling.” Said Rarity.

“Oh yeah. Your party is going to have to wait.” She said, but it was out of my mind in an instant, as I turned and looked at Shining and his wife-to-be. I picked up an apple from the fruit bowl, examining it before taking a bite out of it.

“Shining, you’re lucky that this apple looks so delicious, and that Celestia would probably kill me if I attacked you. Otherwise, you’d be dodging fruits all the way out the door. You didn’t tell me that you were getting married, first, here, and second, soon.” I took another bite out of the apple, waiting for a response.

“It… It never came up?” He said, looking to Celestia for help.

“She’s not going to help you unless I attack you. And Princess Mi Amore Cadenza looks like she’s enjoying this, so you’re on your own, bub.” I said, taking a large bite out of the apple before moving on to the next mare.

“Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria.” Boasted, completely ignoring my hand and flying up, doing a little loop de loop.

“Thaddeus Quinn, consort of Princess Celestia.” I said, laughing as she choked a bit.

Bet she’s the fastest ride as well.

I chuckled, Moving onto the yellow pegasus beside her, who cowered behind her mane as I bent down.

“What’s your name?” I said, placing my hand on the top of the chair.

“Fluttershy” She squeaked out, trying to make herself as small as she could.

I barely caught what she said, “Flutter… Shy?” I questioned.

She nodded her head, peeking out from behind her mane.

“I’m Thaddeus.” I said, pulling myself up.

“And last but not least, the lizard.” I mumbled, walking over to the biped. The only thing in the room with hands, or claws.

I bent down, taking a knee and holding out my hand, which he placed his tiny claw inside, which I shook.

“Spike, Twilight’s number one assistant.” He said.

“Thaddeus, Princess Celestia’s number one ‘assistant’.” I said, adding air quotes around assistant.

He dug his claw into my palm, my face contorting in pain.

“If you ever pull anything like that again with Twilight or any of her friends, especially Rarity, you’ll find out what dragonfire feels like.” He said.

I noted the fact that he mentioned Rarity’s name specifically. “Does someone have a little crush?” I said, punching his shoulder lightly. His face went red as his cheeks bulged, exhaling a plume of green fire, singing the tips of my hair. Everyone gasped.

“SPIKE!” Twilight yelled, grabbing him with her magic. I stood up quickly.

“No no no. Twilight, I’ll talk with him. Man to man.” I said, smiling as she wearily set him back down.

“Lookie here, Spike. I’m gonna tell you the same thing my father told me four years ago when I threatened to knock him on his ass. He said to me, and I quote ‘Boy, if you’re gonna’ start throwin’ threats like that around, you best put your money where your mouth is and go through with it, cause once a fight starts, there ain’t no stopping it until someone’s beat.’” I said, shaking my head, “That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I thought he was going to beat the living shit out of me. That man is who made me the man I am today.”

“Sounds like it.” Spike said, looking at my palm where he dug his claw in, only to find no sign of damage. “Wha? I know I cut you, where’s the blood?”

“It’s a secret to everybody.” I stated simply, standing and walking to Twilight.

I held out my hand, she placed her hoof in it in confusion. I bent down and brought my mouth to her ear. “Thanks for playing along.” I whispered.

“Truthfully, I wasn’t playing along. I thought you had lost it until you scratched behind my ear.” She chuckled nervously, “What did you say to Spike?”

“You can ask him if you want to, but I personally believe things said between men should stay between men.” I said, standing up and ruffling her mane, “But if he doesn’t think that, I can’t do much to change that.” I said, satisfied with my answer, I walked back to Celestia.

“I think that went well. Don’t you, Cel?” I said, looking over my seven newest acquaintances. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike.

“It could have gone better, especially with Spike.” She said, glaring at me, “What did you even say to him?”

“I brought up his infatuation with Rarity.” I said, shrugging.

“Oh. I can imagine that might be a sensitive topic for him.” She said, clicking her tongue.

“Well, what can I say? He wanted to threaten me, so I chose something that seemed sensitive. Just like boss fights in video games, you look for the bright red spot, and you attack the shit out of it.” I said, shaking my head.

“I… I guess.” She said, “Don’t you want your sword back?”

I looked around the room, trying to locate where my sword was. I spotted it, Shining spinning it in his magic.

“Hey, Shining. Best be careful, wouldn’t want you hurting yourself, would we?” I said, distracting him long enough for the flat of the blade to hit him on the side of his muzzle, making me and Cel laugh.

“I warned you. Now give me Whiskey back.” I said, deciding to designate my sword Whiskey. “Speaking of which, do we have whiskey here?” I said, turning to my marefriend.

“You mean the alcoholic drink? Yeah, we have some stored for when the minotaur ambassadors visit. they refuse to drink anything but whiskey. Why?”

“I much prefer whiskey over any other alcoholic drink. It’s much more potent than any other liquors I’ve drunk, and I can’t stand the taste of wine in large quantities. I can drink it, but I much prefer whiskey.” I said, presuming my explanation was adequate, I turned back to Shining who was playing with my sword again. “Shining, give me my blade.” I said, glaring at him. “Twilight, can you toss me an apple?” I said, catching it and raising it above my head, laughing as he threw my sword to me, blade first to be an ass. Celestia caught it, placing it in the sheath.

“Thanks, hun.” I said, kissing her cheek.

“No worries, love.” She said, placing her hoof on my cheek before pulling me into a kiss, stealing my apple in the process. “Thanks.” She said, taking a bite out of it before placing it on the table. “So, is everyone ready for lunch?” She said, ringing a bell in the middle of the table. Moments later, the doors were opened, allowing four ponies to come in, each pushing carts full of food, a unicorn followed, standing at the other end of the table and pulling everything off of the carts and placing it on the table. There was sandwiches, salads, beans, all sorts of foods. I saw familiar looking sandwiches, what looked to be Peanut butter and jam. I fucking love peanut butter and jam, and I would be getting some protein. It was a win win, and I didn’t have to eat meat.

You’re definitely going to be eating something for dessert after dinner, you sly dog.

I chuckled at Sigma, she had a point. ‘Twas going to be a fun filled night, for the both of us, I hoped. I mean, compared to a horse, I ain’t got shit on anything.

*Ahem* Maybe I could be of assistance.

“Really now?” I thought.

Well, I can take mass from parts of your body and momentarily use it in other places… Cough penis cough. Sorry about that, something was stuck in my throat.

I chuckled, Celestia turning and looking at me, confused. “Nevermind, I’ll tell you later.”

“Proceed.” I thought.

So I can take muscle, from say your stomach. and move it to another area.

“I see. So you can use fat as well?” I thought, scratching my stubbly chin.

Well, yes. But fat is much more… flimsy, for lack of better word. Muscle is definitely the way to go.

“Understandable. Unfortunately, I don’t have fat nor muscle.”

Actually, you have quite a bit of muscle, especially in your legs. Could probably crack a coconut between those thighs. Anyway, you also have an adequate amount of muscle in terms of abs and biceps. Nothing to brag about, but it`ll come in handy. Anyway, I can take some muscle from your thighs, abs, biceps, and your calfs. Especially from your lower body, considering you have so much to spare.

“Alright, fair enough. How much will this drain my energy?” I thought, noting the bar had recharged much more than it should have. “Why has my energy gone up so much?” I thought, fidgeting with my fork.

I… I uh, may have forgotten to begin healing your nose again. It was placing a constant drain, so… yeah. Your energy regeneration should take half the time it would if you were healing. I’ll start the regeneration again.

“Alright. If it was causing me pain, I might have been mad, but, it wasn’t. So, you’re good… for now.” I thought.

Yessir.

I opened my eyes, “That’s not my dear.” I said, my face growing hot. “That’s his dear.” I said, pointing at Shining, who was trying, and failing to hold in his laughter.

“Yes, you’re right. That isn’t your dear. That’s his dear. I am your dear.” I heard Cel say from behind me, causing me to turn slowly, coming face to face with Cel.

“Yes, you’re correct on all three fronts, Cel. It’s almost like you’re a part of this relationship.” I said jokingly, watching her cheeks puff out before she let out a sigh.

I rotated in my seat yet again, turning to face Princess Cadence, “What was it you wanted?” I said, cracking my knuckles absently. I caught Shining glaring at me from the corner of my eye, but wrote it off as him being over-protective.

“I… Um… I forgot, give me a moment” She said, tapping a hoof on her chin, “AH! Yes, I would like to cordially invite you to our wedding!” the Princess exclaimed, running over and leaning on Shining.

“I’m grateful for the offer, I really am. But I don’t think the populace would react well if an unseen species decided to show up for a wedding, of royalty no less.” I said, pursing my lips.

“I… I see.” She said, lowering her head.

I turned to Cel, who stood up and walked over to Cadence, nuzzling her. A few quiet words were shared between the two before Cel returned to her chair, gesturing with her head towards Cadence.

“What?” I said, groaning as I was picked up in Cel’s magic, “Celestia, why isn’t there a law that you have to alert people before you pick them up. Seriously.”

“Well, because there have been no people to pick up before this past week.” She said, smirking.

“God damn it, Celestia. You know what I meant. How about the general population? Is that better?”

“I suppose it is, but nopony picks anypony up.”

“Celestia, what I’m trying to say is put me down for the love of god.” I said, growing tired of the games.

“Why didn’t you say so?” She said, releasing me from her magic.

I yelled as I fell onto the floor, a thump resounding throughout the dining hall. I groaned as I rolled on the floor for a moment, attempting to lift myself before hitting my head on the underside of the table.

“SWEET BABY JESUS IN A HANDBASKET!” I yelled, returning my body to the floor, “I’m gonna say this right now. Contrary to popular belief, I can be hurt. I am not a ragdoll. So for the LOVE OF GOD, stop treating me like one.” I said, the fire in my stomach being stoked yet again.

“What’s a ‘baby jesus in a handbasket’?” I heard Twilight say, “And who is ‘god’?”

“REALLY?!” I yelled from my position on the floor, noting the golden flash from my forehead. I propped myself up on my arms before grabbing the edge of the table and pulling myself to my feet. I stood up and plopped myself back in my chair, looking down at my empty plate. I felt like I was being picked up again, without the moving. I glared at Celestia.

“What do you want me to do?!” I said in a loud whisper.

“Go and apologize, or something… Make her feel better!” Cel responded in a hushed yell.

I looked around the room, trying to find who I should be apologizing to. I looked over at Shining, and then to his wife-to-be. I looked to Cel, gesturing my head towards Cadence.

“Mhmm.”

I stood from my seat, shaking my head slightly. I don’t see what I did wrong. I told her the truth of what would happen if I, the only resident human on this planet, decided it would be a fine idea to pop in to a wedding of royalty. They would lose their shit. I’m sure they would lose their shit if any other threat to the wedding was made as well.

You do realize that you have a pony form, right?

“Yeah, I’d like to save the energy, just in case something comes up, like a quickie in the custodian closet or something.” I thought, kneeling down beside Cadence’s chair.

“Hey, let’s just not get upset about this. It’s not you, it’s me. If I stand outside and listen, will that make you feel better?” I said, trying to negotiate my way out of going to the wedding and being filled with holes from magic. Not from the guards, but the unicorns. Considering the castle is run off the passive magic from the unicorns, I could only presume that they either create a metric fuck-ton of passive magic, or there was a metric shit-ton of unicorns. I was leaning towards the latter, if what I’ve seen in the courts is anything to go off of.

“Come on, you know I’m right about the civilians freaking out, I mean, Cel has had several nobles freak out about me being in the throne room. I don’t really want to be in a room with more than two or three of them at a time. Any more and I fear for my life.” I said, recalling a few isolated incidents with nobles and myself. I lost my chair once. An unfortunate incident. I almost lost my picture. It would have been an even more unfortunate incident if I had.

“I… I guess you are. Maybe if you stood outside of the door it would be fine.” She finally replied, glancing up.

Did you see that?

“See what?” I thought, standing up.

That… That green flash!

“I didn’t see shit. Maybe it was a trick of the light?” I thought.

Maybe. Keep an eye on her, just in case.

“I think you’re being a bit too protective.” I thought, returning to my seat.

I’m just saying, keep an eye on her.

I sat down, putting my hands to my head and leaning on the table before feeling something similar to a swat on my arm. I swiveled in my seat, turning to Celestia, who returned my look with one of innocence. I glared at her before looking at my empty plate. Looking up, I realized that everyone was already eating, leaving me to sit there.

“Thaddeus, are you going to eat?” Celestia asked.

“Nah, it’s alright,” I said, grabbing my side, “I’m trying to lose weight.”

Dude. Stop being a bitch and eat.

“Are you sure?” Cel asked, giving me a look as if to say ‘You don’t have a choice.’

“Uh… I guess I could eat. I’ll just have one of those sandwiches over there.” I said, pointing to the peanut butter and jam looking sandwiches, “Don’t want to fill up too much, gotta save room for dessert after dinner.”

“Of course.” She said, blushing a bit as she grabbed a sandwich in her magic.

“Hoooie! You’re in for a real treat there, pardner!” I heard Applejack say from the other side of the table.

“Oh, really? How so?” I responded, giving Cel a kiss.

“Well, my family an’ me make the apple jam that’s on that there sandwich.”

“Apple jam? Interesting. What makes it so good?” I said, pulling the bread up to investigate the jam.

“Well, our family’s been told by thousands o’ ponies that our jam is the best.” Applejack said, chuckling.

“So a census of sorts. Nevertheless, back on my world, we had all kinds of apples, Granny Smith, Fuji, Mcintosh, the list goes on. I’ve even had apples that tasted like grapes.” I said, scrunching my face at the thought of ‘Grapples’.

“W-Wait, didja jus’ say Granny Smith?”

“I did. Why?”

“That’s my granny’s name.” She said, chuckling a bit.

“Hm… odd. Ain’t that but a bitch.” I said, patting the bread back into place, before picking up a half and taking a bite.

“Huh. This isn’t half bad.” I said to no one in particular.

“Toldja so.” Applejack said, tipping her hat.

“I guess you did.” I said, taking another bite.

Everybody stood up from the table, breaking off, and I felt this overwhelming sadness come over me as we pulled off to go our separate paths so I ran to catch up with Cel, who was heading back to court.

“Hey.” I said, placing my hand on her withers.

“Hello, Thaddeus. How was your meal?” She said, nuzzling me.

“It was pretty good, and yours?”

“It was nice.” She said.

We fell into silence for a couple minutes, walking side by side. Eventually I slowed, falling behind Cel.

This is a bad idea.

“I know. When have I ever had a good one?” I thought

Well--

“Rhetorical question.” I accidentally said out loud, raising my hand, just as Cel turned.

“What are you…” She trailed off, looking at me with my arm raised behind her, “Don’t.” She said simply.

“Don’t what?” I said, staring her in the eye while holding my best poker face.

“You know what!” She said loudly.

“You’re right, I do know what. Sorry.” I said, my lips twitching as I tried my hardest not to smile. I raised my arm across my chest, backhanding her left thigh, causing her to yelp. I turned to bolt, getting about half a metre before being caught in her magic.

“Thaddeus!”

“You rang?” I said, smiling.

“I told you not to do that!”

“No, you told me not to slap your other thigh. So I backhanded your left one.” I said, grunting as I was pushed into the wall.

“Stop that!” She said loudly, moving closer.

I cocked my head, fighting against Cel’s magic to move my hands to her face.

“What are yo--” She started, getting cut off by my lips.

My backup plan worked, Cel returning the kiss tenfold. We must have looked like a couple horny teenagers, making out up against the lockers. I ran my hand along her soft fur, pulling her further into the kiss.

We broke apart, gazing into each others eyes for a while.

“You’re going to pay for that.” Cel stated simply.

“Forrr… What?” I said, confused.

“Well, for your little show in the dining hall, then you hurt my nieces feelings, then you hurt my rear, and then you kissed me to make sure you didn’t get in trouble.” She said, pecking me on the lips.

“You enjoyed that kiss every bit as much as I did, Cel. You can’t plant that one on me.” I said.

“I can, and I am.” She said, smirking.

“Fine, fine. Provided I am not bound, leashed, gagged, blue-balled, or hurt in any intentional way, then I accept your ‘Punishment’” I said, air quoting punishment.