A New Star in the Sky

You let Celestia run off to court, leaving you, yourself, and Sigma alone to shoot the shit.

You should really consider getting a pet.

“Man, I miss my dog. The one at home.” I said, allowing myself to think out loud when nobody else was around.

The odds of us getting home are slim to none. Might as well start settling down here. I mean, come on. 3 days in and you have the epitome of beauty to this nation as your new girlfriend.

“I… I know. But from what I know about her, she’ll outlive me by a couple eternities. I’ll be nothing by that time. Not a thought.” I said, shuffling down the hall.

Dude, I doubt she’s just going to forget you. You’ll just have to make sure that your years with her are memorable.

“I… I suppose. What should we do now?” I said.

Well, we could go train some more, or we could wander around the castle and fill up the map. We could listen to music, we could go back to the room ‘n jerk it…

I choked on my spit.

Wait, that’s right. We have a pretty pony to do that for us. Anyway, we could play more of those stupid games on your phone, we could go piss off some guards, we could climb around. We can do any number of things, yet we’re wandering aimlessly.

“Yep. Fuck.” I said, spotting the guard that I had beaten earlier.

“HEY! MONKEY!” He yelled down the hall, walking towards me.

“HEY! FUCKNOZZLE!” I yelled back, placing my hand on the hilt of my sword.

We met in the middle, “You embarrassed me in front of all of the guard. You’re gonna pay for that, monkey.” He said, jabbing a hoof at me.

I turned to look at the two guards beside us, we were outside a side door to the throne room.

I pointed at one of the guards, “Hey, you. What are the odds that Celestia heard us yelling?”

He looked around, wondering if I was asking him, “M-Me? I would say a one in ten chance that she heard you.” He said, glancing at the door.

“And if we started fighting?” I asked, tapping my foot.

“I-I’d say a one in three chance.”

I turned back to fucknozzle, glaring at him, “I’m not really liking those chances, you? Didn’t think so, so how about you go that way, and I’ll continue going this way. Because if you ever threaten me again, you’ll be picking shards of glass out of your asshole.” I said, standing over him.

Fucknozzle just wouldn’t back down, “Buck you, I’ll take you on.”

“You want to fucking go, limp dick? Name a time and a place.”

“Sparring arena, with a twist.”

“Name it.”

“We use real weapons. That means real injuries.”

“If you want to go home carrying your own leg, that’s your choice.”

“The sparring rules state no killing.”

“Maiming is not killing.”

“Let’s go!” He demanded, stomping off towards the training yard.

I turned to the two guards, “Is he always such an asshole?”

They looked to each other and smirked, before nodding.

“Good to know.”

I turned and ran off after him, mentally planning.

This is a horrible idea.

“Who’d have guessed?” I said.

Well, me, those two guards, the princess.

“Yeah, yeah. Shut it.”

Jus’ doin’ my job, darlin’.

“Your job is to be badass, not coach my life. I know this is a horrible idea. I’m probably about to get stabbed.” I said, pushing the doors to the training yard open. Already a bunch of the guards were forming around the ring, although many stayed and continued training with others and the dummies.

At least you realize that this is your fault and your fault only.

“Come on, you have access to most of my brain, save a few things, but you don’t know my ethics? I always take responsibility.”

True. True enough, anyway.

I stepped through the crowd of ponies, placing myself across from my opponent.

“Oh! Look, that’s where you got thrown into the ground!” I said, pointing at a slight indent in the ground, “Good times. Hey, remember that time I beat your ass? That was fun.”

“ENOUGH! Let’s start this fight!” He yelled, unsheathing his sword. My sword remained in its sheath.

“Draw your sword!” He yelled.

“I thought you said real weapons?”

“This is a real weapon!”

“A real man fights with his fists.”

You’re fucking retarded, you know that? You’re going to get stabbed.

“I don’t doubt it. ‘S why I have you here.” I thought.

Yeah, yeah. Don’t get killed. Dickhead.

While the stun factor of refusing to fight with a sword set in, I jumped forward and punched him in the jaw. “Come on then. Have at you.” I said, jumping back. “Chicken! Chicken!” I yelled as we circled each other. He thrust his sword straight for my chest, forcing me to dodge. Instead of dodging to the side, I rolled forward, under the sword and punched him right in the chest. I pulled the rifle from my back and shot it in the air, scaring everyone before throwing it to the side and lunging, knocking him over in the process.

I sat on his barrel and started slamming into his face. “This is what happens when you threaten me!” I shouted.

He gained enough concentration to weakly lift his sword from it’s resting place in the dirt, driving it into my calf.

“FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!” I screamed as he slowly drove it into my calf. I fell backwards, ignoring the urge to cry as best I could. I grit my teeth and pushed myself back up to my knees.

“Fuck.” I said as I saw my opponent gain his bearings, the sword rising. This dude was not going to play by the rules. He was going to fucking kill me. Shit, this isn’t good. He pulled his blade back in his magic, thrusting it towards my throat. What he didn’t know, was that I had one last trick up my sleeve. I swung both my hands in front of me, placing my palms on both sides of the sword and pushed, my hands slowly sliding up the sword as the blade cut deeper and deeper into my palms. I ground my teeth together, bracing myself with my good leg as I felt myself moving backwards from the force of his magic on the blade. I looked my opponent in the eye, he had a demented smile on his face as my arms grew weaker, allowing his blade to inch closer to my throat.

“ENOUGH!” Someone boomed from my right… or my left, I couldn’t tell. Unilateral hearing loss and all. All I could tell was that it was one of the princesses. Or one loud motherfucker. I was leaning towards the former.

I felt the pressure coming from the blade disappear, allowing me to drop the sword and inspect my wounds. I had a deep, deep, deep wound in my leg, like… nearly bone deep. My hands had 4 cuts parallel with each other, from where the edges dug into my skin.

I fucking told you so, shithead.

“I was the one who said I was going to get stabbed.” I thought.

You’re still a shithead.

“Bite me.” I thought.

“Thaddeus! Are you alright?!” I heard Celestia cry out, running towards me.

My vision started to get hazy, slowly fading to black.

“Ju-ust… peachy.” I said as I collapsed.

My eyes shot open. I was standing in my sanctuary.

“Here we are again, not eight hours after the last time.” Sigma said, walking towards me.

“Heh, funny how life works, isn’t it?” I said, stepping off the pedestal and right into the back of Sigma’s hand.

“That was slightly uncalled for. But I’ll let it slide.” I said, rubbing my face.

“Excuse me? It was one hundred percent called for. You share this body now, you can’t go risking US for some silly honour.” She said, backing me into a corner.

“Couldn’t you just fly off and find some other host?” I asked, my palms flat against the wall I had been backed into.

“That’s not how it works, dipshit.”

“Okay, okay. Jeez, what’s up your ass? Whatever it is, it’s crooked.” I said, sidestepping from my position against the wall.

“Well, considering the fact that you risked our life for some bullshit, and considering we’re probably headed for the infirmary, I’d say I have a reason to be pissed off.”

“Hey, I never asked for you to be in this with me. Not that I’m saying that I don’t want you here. But I never asked to be… Here.” I said.

“I… I didn’t bring us here. I have no idea where we are. The nation we’re in is called Equestria, and it’s inhabited by sentient ponies. That’s all I know.” She said, turning around and walking to the map table, gesturing for me to follow.

“Yes?” I said, leaning on the table.

“Might as well do some geography while we’re here.” She said, leaning in on the table opposite of me.

“I guess.” I said.

Sigma pointed to several cities on the map. I could see several small towns that were scattered to and fro.

“Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, and Ponyville. Oh! And Cloudsdale.” She said, pointing to the respective locations before pointing under a patch of clouds.

“Hum.” I said, leaning down to look under the clouds to find Cloudsdale. “Where’s Cloudsdale?” I asked, looking around the patch of clouds to find it.

“Don’t play dumb. It’s not under the clouds, it is the clouds.” Sigma said, drumming her fingers impatiently.

“What the fuck is this bullshit?” I said, brushing any wrinkles in my shirt out from bending around like that.

“Well, my guess is that it’s a city on the clouds.” She said.

“Thanks, Captain obvious.”

“No problem, Sergeant jackass.”

“I’m done questioning the logic of this world. What about the different places? What makes them special?”

“Absolutely nothing. They’re just hotspots and advanced areas of the world. Except for Ponyville. Twilight and her friends live in Ponyville, and if you remember, her and her friends are the Elements of Harmony.” She said, walking around the table.

“You’re a shit geography teacher.” I said, crossing my arms.

“Aww, thanks babe. Now get the fuck out.” She said, the sanctuary disappearing around me.

I opened my eyes and squinted a bit. I was staring directly at a light. A bright light at that. There was a doctor hovering over my face, looking into my mouth. He glanced up momentarily before looking back at my mouth and jumping back as he realized I was awake.

“Hi?” I said, waving my hand uncertainly.

The doctor seemed to calm down, straightening his jacket before walking back over to the bedside. “My apologies, lad. Ye just star’led me is all.” He said, a thick Scottish accent present.

“Aye. My apologies to ye.” I said, putting my best Scottish accent on, which in my opinion was pretty good.

“We’ll haf ta go oot for some drinks la’er, lad. Considerin’ we’re both from Sco’land.” He said, sitting down in a chair next to me. “Now, if you don’t mind answerin’ a few ques’ions, nothin’ too personal.”

I dropped the accent, “Alright, let’s roll.” I said, sitting up in the bed.

“A’right, Are you an omnivore?” He said, shifting in his chair.

“Yes.”

“What kind of meats do you eat?”

“Not ponies, if that’s what you’re asking. Mostly red meats, along with fish, and I can’t think of anymore.”

He seemed to calm down,leaning back in his chair. “Aye. Jus’ makin’ sure, lad. ‘S the end of ques’ions. You’re going to have to stay here for a coople of days.” He said, making his way towards the door.

“A couple of days? Fuck that.” I thought, testing the movement of my leg.

You really should stay here.

“For two days or more? Negative.” I thought, looking at my watch. It read one thirty. “We’ll blow this popsicle stand at eight. Cel should be getting out of court by then. Maybe quarter to eight. Then we can get there and surprise her when she comes in after court.” I said, planning my escape.

We really should stay here. They can provide healing. Just stay here.

“Fuck that.” I said, setting an alarm for seven thirty before closing my eyes.

I awoke to the obnoxious beeping of my watch in my ear. I grumbled and instinctively pressed the a button on the side of the watch, turning the alarm off. My watch was alarmingly loud for such a small piece of equipment. I groaned as I leaned against the headboard, or where the headboard would be if this was a normal bed. I popped my joints before pushing my legs over the bed.

Gently I lowered myself to the ground, expecting pain to shoot up my leg as I put weight on it. I stood up, and to my surprise, very little pain was present. I spotted a cane in the darkness, propped against the wall across from my bed. I slowly hobbled over, careful not to knock anything over. I suddenly realized there were pads on my chest that were connected to a machine. Of course, I only realized this as the cords connected to the pads snapped taut. I turned around just in time to see the heart rate monitor falling towards the ground. I jumped forwards, grabbing the edge of it.

The pain in my leg reached an all time high as I landed on it, along with the extra weight added from the heart rate monitor. I slowly lowered it to the ground, lowering myself with it to prevent the pads from ripping from my chest. I looked around for a plug before remembering that everything was run off of magic. I looked for a switch around the back and on the base. While I ran my hands and suggestively groped the heartbeat monitor, I noticed a part on the stand that wasn’t flush with everything else. I reached down, stretching myself to my limit trying to reach it. I found that I couldn't reach it without moving, so I inched closer, making sure that I didn’t disconnect the pad. I could feel the pad slowly tearing away as I made my way closer and closer. Finally, I was nearly close enough to press it. I leaned forward more, the pad finally giving up and leaving my chest for the neighbour. Suddenly a long tone filled the room for all of three seconds before I pressed the switch. I quickly got up and rapidly hobbled over to the cane, reaching it just as a nurse ran in. I was in much more pain now, so the cane was no longer a precaution, it was a necessity. The nurse gaped at the clusterfuck that was where I was supposed to remain. I shuffled slowly along the wall, working my way towards the door, which was slowly closing. The nurse began moving towards ground zero, allowing me a greater range of movement. I slipped through the door, quickly hobbling down the hall and around the corner before leaning on the wall, releasing a sigh of relief.

Go back.

“Yeah, not happening.” I said quietly.

Don’t expect any help then.

“Fine by me. They’re not going to question me walking around the halls, other than Celestia, but I plan to be in her bed before her.” I said, pushing away from the wall and starting off down the hall.

That sounded really creepy.

“Not surprised.” I thought, trying to recall the layout of the castle, with no luck.

Don’t you wish you had help?

“I kinda do. But since you’re not going to do that, I guess I’ll have to do it the man way.” I said, turning a corner.

Maybe I could be persuaded into helping you out.

“Oh? And how would I go about doing that?” I said.

Promise not to risk your life like that again. Ever.

“Is someone developing feelings for me or something?”

What the fuck are you on? No. We’re sharing this body. If you die, I die.

“Fair enough. But what if someone’s life is at risk? Then what?” I said, noting the lineup of nobles, signifying I was just outside of the courtroom.

God damn our chivalry. I… I suppose. Depends on the situation. What I’m getting at is, don’t risk your life unnecessarily. Got it?

“I… I guess I can deal with that.” I said quietly, making sure the nobles didn’t see hide nor tail of me, lest there be rumours of a monster in the castle.

Good. Turn right here.

I did as was instructed, turning right into some guards patrolling. I recognized one of them from the door earlier.

“Howdy.” I said, saluting.

“Hello, citizen. Move along.” He said, smiling a bit.

“Negative. I’m going to have to take you out for drinks one of these days. What’s your name?”

“Uh, the name’s Armoured Ward. I presume you’re Thaddeus.” He said, holding his hoof out, which I shook.

“The one and only.” I said.

“A pleasure. Although I have to ask, why would you salute me, when you’re of higher rank?”

“What? I’m not of higher rank.” I said.

“Well, you’re Princess Celestia’s consort, are you not?” He said, removing his helmet for a moment.

“I… I suppose I am. Nevertheless, I am not a higher rank than any of you, and I would not like to be treated as such. Tell your friends, your family. Wait, no. Just tell the guards.” I said, walking away as Armoured Ward put his helmet back on.

Making friends, I see. Good job, you’re making more of this life than you did back home.

I continued walking in silence, trying not to think of the things left behind.

Left.

I complied. The walk went on in a similar fashion, Sigma giving me directions, and I followed them. I arrived at the door to Cel’s room. I glanced around before pressing my hand to the handle and pushing. I got the door about an eighth of the way open before the door swung back at me.

“Motherfucker.” Sigma and I said simultaneously.