"What ith thith thtatue, mith Cheerilee?" a small pony asked.
"This is the statue depicting Blood, who is said to be the god of blind hate and violence. Two thousand years ago he appeared out of nowhere, wreaking havoc in the old lands. Only an army of unicorns was able to defeat him. Since then this statue was passed on in the Platinum bloodline until it ended up being offered to the princesses. The tale said that his last words were : ' I am the conductor o the train. ', even though nobody ever heard of trains before that.It's a horrible monster, covered in mystery. Now, children, let's move on to the other statues in the royal gardens."
Long long ago...
"Werner, are you ready to go crazy?!" Andrew screamed.
"Yeah!" I roared in return.
"Are you ready to be seen as a weirdo?!"
"I am one!"
"Onwards, to senseless money spending!"
And the Comic-Con we stormed. Jumping other cosplayers and having fun. Andrew was dressed as Deadpool. He kinda looked like Spiderman with guns and katanas... Me, I was the best 'hero' ever: Krieg the psycho. I was bare chested, wore orange pants, a mask, with one eye covered, had some metal armor thingies on my left arm, and, last but not least, the enormous axe, that came from crossbreeding an axe and a buzz saw. It took an eternity and a half to make my costume. I was the man who took bullets with his bare chest while laughing his ass off. And chopping others to pieces.
After mingling a bit, we decided to shake up the stalls.
To say we were astounded at the sight of the merchandise that was bring sold would be an understatement. Books, action figures, costumes, weapon replicas, everything one could wish for. We were running from stall to stall, eyeing everything like kids. I couldn't decide on anything, though, having taken only two hundred dollars with me.
"What d'you think of this... " I put the gun, that I had been wanting to show him, back.
"What did you want to show me?" Andrew asked, but fell on deaf ears.
I saw perfection. And I needed it. A big, rusty, and jagged knife.
"Hey! I'm talking – do you see what I see?" He kept waving his hand in front of my face.
"Yes."
We neared the vendor, a fat, bearded, grumpy looking guy.
"Sorry mister," I asked,"but how much does the knife over there cost?"
"Hundred." he grumbled.
"What?!" came in stereo.
"One hundred and ten."
"Are you fuc–" I was beginning to lose my temper.
"One twenty."
"'Kay! 'Kay! I'm buying it!" I handed over the dollar bills. And got the knife in return.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't worth more than eighty. My friend verified my suspicions by laughing his ass off.
"Dude! I knew you weren't normal. But now you're stupid, too!"
Won't stop me from swinging it around like the nutcase I represent. Some kind of red glow encompassed the blade.
'Why the hell does the knife leave a red trail?'
I squinted my eyes, never stopping to flail my arm with knife. Nope, nothing. Except for some people looking at me. I've been swinging the knife around for half a minute already.
'Must have been my imagination, 'I thought and attached it to my leg with one of the leather straps.
I grabbed my saw-axe with both hands, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. And farted as silently as I could. Worked quite well. I opened my eyes again.
Bam! Black void to the face.
"SWEET MOTHER OF SPAGHETTI MONSTER! I POPPED MY EYES WITH A FART!" I screamed before blacking out.
Present time
'Oh, look, Discord broke free. That lucky bastard,' I observed. Being stuck in stone for two thousand years makes you grumpy.
"Who said that?" snaked its way out of his mouth. He can understand me now.
I instantly took advantage of it.'Yo mamma!'
"Who?"
'Yo slaphappy, sausage suckin' granddaddy!' I admit, that was kinda over the top.
"Who dares insult me, the god of chaos and disharmony?!" Discord kept looking around not finding any ponies close. He sat down in the antlers of a glorious deer.
'It's the statue with the saw-axe dick,' I finally answered. Discord snaked closer putting a magnifying glass in front of his nose.
"What do we have here?" , he asked from inside mine.
'Manners, young un. I'm two thousand years old. I saw your mama getting paid by your dad for some services. Now be a nice kid and get me out of here.', this may not be clever, but I stopped giving fucks.
"Oh, you know, it's more fun when things have a nice twist and–" he began to ramble.
'You're giving me boobs?'
Discord took a step back. "No. You'll be free, as soon, as you solve this riddle. What's green and kills you when falling down a tree?"
'And how will you know whether I'm right or wrong?' I asked
"Just say it the way you talked with me. Have to go now. Ponyville would be a nice place to start my work with. Tata!" And he vanished in a puff of bananas. That's him.
Riddle time! I'm going to have such a bad headache.
'Okay, I've been working on this riddle for two weeks. My head is about to burst. This bitch fucking tricked me. THAT'S COMPLETE BILLIARD TABLE!'
* Crack*
'What–'
* Crack*
'YYYYEEEE–*BOOM*–AAAAHHH!' At least I tried to say that. "I'm here to shank and bleed!" I screamed. Didn't want to, but controlling my speech is hard as fuck. I was finally free. No more bird shit on my shoulders or head.
'Close enough.'
I jumped down the pedestal, feeling every single joint pop. The bliss overflowed me. Stretching my limbs a bit I got ready to move again.
Thinking a bit I decided to get away from the trouble and leave Canterlot.
I grabbed my axe-saw in both hands and ran towards the fastest way down the mountain. The waterfall.
Long long ago... ( but not as long as last time)
I awoke. I was in the middle of a medieval market. With ponies instead of humans. My head hurt more than when... I never had any big headaches. Doesn't make this one vanish. I took a deep breath and stood up. 'ell, let's find out which drugs I took,' I tried to say.
"Who's ready to flay some scalps?!" came out of my mouth.
'Wat,' was the only thing I could think. My mouth didn't move as I wanted. I was beginning to panic.
'What has just–'
"CONFUSION!" I screamed.
"Hwæt īs ðã? ( What is that? old English)" came right from behind me.
Present time...
I was sitting behind a bush in the gardens. Two royal pony guards passed right in front of me.
'That was a close o–' I thought to myself while looking around.
"It's strangling time!" I screamed.
'Fuck.'
The guards whipped around, pulling their spears out. "Who's there?! Show yourself!"
I crawled out of the bushes. What else would you do, if the local police tells you to come out?
"What kind of creature are you?" one of the guards, the one in the gold armor with violet stripes on the withers, asked.
'That's begging to go bad.'
"KRIIIIIIEG!" tore its way out.
'Bingo! That's actually my name!'
The guards, though, weren't that happy about my successful scream.
"Mister, we have to detain you for trespassing a–"
'I don't have time for this.'
"I LOOKED INTO THE HEART OF DARKNESS, AND I ATE IT ALL!!!" I roared. Grabbing my axe-saw I made a mad dash towards the guards. My boots threw up some gravel. The ground shook with every step. One of them went into a battle stance. The other one made a sound of a goat and fell over. Less work for me.
I was close.
He swung his spear at me.
The blunt side of my axe collided with his face.
The spear tip embedded itself in my shoulder.
The guard was down. I pulled his weapon out.
'Went better than anticipated' I thought and ran further through the garden with the waterfall being my goal.
I passed several more statues and finally reached my destination. The edge of Canterlot castle. The end of this city. Water roared far below me. I was really surprised that nobody but those two guards noticed me, me wearing heavy boots and all.
Something was thundering behind me. It seems someone was coming from the castle.
I turned around. There was a small dust cloud in the distance.
'That's how we nope.'
I made a backflip down the waterfall.
"Somebody catch me!"
Author's Note
And here is the first born!
Now go and worship CitrusFizz!
Bow to the holy Editor and Pre-reader!
Long long ago... (but some time passed since our last 'long long ago')
"Hwæt bist þū?” I heard a husky voice say in confusion.
I spun around. There was a blue pony with a green mane right in front of me. It wore chainmail, an anglo-saxon helmet, and a sword on its back. It had a perplexed look on its face.
'Oh, how cute! A fucked up figment of my imagination, but still cute,’ I thought.
"Boda þý naman!" The armor clad pony demanded.
'What did you s–'
"BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOOOD, BLOOD, BLOOOOOOOD!" I screamed. The pony jumped back, drawing its sword. Looking down the street, I saw a nother group of five guards, who turned their heads towards the commotion.
"Cwele him!" the first pony screamed, pointing his sword at me. I did the only sane thing possible. I turned around and ran as fast as possible.
I was nearing the edge of the market.
Suddenly one of the armored horses jumped out from behind a cart filled with carrots.
It pointed its sword at my throat.
I swung my axe at it without slowing down.
The axe embedded itself deep in its skull and grey matter.
'Oh my fucking god! I axed a pony to death!What the hell am I thinking?! I could have just ran around it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE?!” My thoughts resembled my room, right before my mom came back from a week long vacation — complete chaos.
"SHHHHHHHHH quuiieettttttttt..." My less sane self said in a raspy whisper. The fact that I just said that didn't lessen my panic. Running down small alleys, I neared the edge of the village.
After a few seconds of panicked running in between bouts of mad laughter I found myself out in the open. I dared to take a peek over my shoulder.
'Hey! They're falling back!,’ I thought victoriously to myself. My joy was suddenly force fed its own muscular tissue when I saw several small black lines arch through the night sky. A feeling of dread pierced my madness as they seemed to sink towards me in slow motion.
‘Archers… fuck my life. Dodge! I'm so dead!' And I run, jumped, and sidestepped towards a forest in the distance.
Three arrows missed me by a centimetre,and even more were on their way. Despite all this, a maniacal smile found its way onto my face. Only ten steps were left, until I would be safe. Yeah, then came Murphy and fucked shit over.
Pain spiked through my left shoulder blade. I stumbled, but never slowed down. I’m not a smart man, and I used said shoulder to 'stop' against a tree. I was sent sprawling through the oaks, and II stood up shakily and ran deeper into the woods.
I knew that getting away from this city was crucial for survival. And I acted accordingly. I kept going like Forest Gump.
The first thing I did, after I got away a bit further, was pulling that damn arrow out. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I stayed conscious!I came across a stream that was leading away from the city and decided to follow it.
I heard a scream in the distance. I sped up my step and followed the voice. It was leading me to a clearing. I stopped in my tracks.
Right there were two chained ponies being led by weird bipedal dog things. And not just normal ponies, oh, no, one had wings, the other a horn.
One of the dogs making up the rear took a long step and kicked the pony with wings, cackling cruelly. My fist clenched my axe.
The pony landed on its face several meters in front of the group. It lifted itself up and sat down on its haunches, like a cat, and started sniffling.
'Wat... God, it's crying!' I threw a glance at the dogs. 'You don't hit kittens. Bitch, not with me.' My axe started buzzing. I gave it no mind.
I took some steps back, inhaling a lot of air. 'I hope you have an assault plunger, cause shit's bout to hit the fan.'
They were now right in front of me. I started running.
I jumped, and they turned their heads towards me. I brought my axe down splitting a dog’s head in two. I kicked him in the face, ripping his loose corpse from my weapon. I swung my axe in a wide horizontal arc, slicing open the belly of another dog, leaving everything there to fall out. I felt something impact my back, and it forced me to take a step forwards. I spun around, to find, guess what, another filthy dog growling at me.
'What the hell is dripping down his... claw... oh. Oh. OH. FUCK!' I thought, looking at the slick red liquid coating his claw.
Something impacted my head, forcing me to belly flop. I rolled left like a sausage, and stood up. All three orcs growled menacingly at me.
'Pull it! Twist it! Bop it! Fuck it!'
"I'd love to gut you and draw with your intestines all day!" I growled.
I had an idea., and I grinned under my mask. My arm with the axe-saw moved behind my head, and I started chuckling as if somebody told me a joke It lashed forward, and I let the axe free of my grip to whomever was unlucky to be in it’s way. Another head grew an unnecessary extra maw. The two orcs stood frozen still, trying to process what happened, I jumped forward and wrenched the axe out, giggling all the while. That got them going. My axe paid the chest cavity of the left orc a visit. The other one sunk his teeth into my shoulder.
Quickly thinking, I jumped onto it’s back.
Pain overflowed me.
I rolled off the orc.
I noticed that a nice chunk of my shoulder was missing.
I didn't feel fear. Neither anger or sadness. I felt a kind of glee, that little children experience on Christmas. But my presents were already here. A train full of death and massacre. It terrifyingly pleased me. It pleasantly terrified me. Or at least my body experienced that.
Me, I felt exactly the same and it confused me.
I lifted my axe over my head and brought it down onto my opponent, and it screamed a beautiful song of blood for me.
I took a look at the last of my enemies. Three were none. I lifted myself off the ground. Time to deal with ridiculous amounts of cute.
'Wait. I killed somebody. I am a murderer. Take a deep... Fuck deep breaths. Imma gonna go panic. I'm–'
Present time... (It's not my birthday.)
The ground was closing in faster than anticipated. I realized that landing spread eagle would be very painful. My reaction was rather subconscious. I swung my arms around like a windmill until I was legs down, head up.
'Geronimo!'
"CRIPPLINGLY CARNAGING CRETIN!"
I braced myself for the impact.
I breached the surface with a nice, fat, wet, smack. It hurt like a bitch. I was being dragged deeper under water by the force hammering from above. I started moving forwards, swimming with long, strong strokes. Slowly the force began to recede. Two more swings and I reached the surface.
I looked around. After a small strip of beach began a forest.
'Aww hail yeah!' I thought and set off looking for my old home. I stopped and chuckled to myself. I didn’t have a home.
'I should take a look around Equestria.' I thought as I vanished into the bushes with a devilish grin.
Over the last two thousand years the woods didn't change that much. Trees, trees, trees, trees and bushes. I kept walking for hours, the sun having long passed its apex. The trees started thinning out as I was nearing the edge. Gotten out of the woods I had only one thought.
'Yup, I'll get diabeetus.'
The city, wait, village, by modern standards, looked like it ws from a fairytale. The houses were brightly colored and ponies everywhere were smiling. And on the other side of the field was me. And I was about to enter said town and raid the library. Yay.
And I started rambling. I would be pulling more attention to me than before. As if an ancient 'God of hate' wouldn't be drawing a lot attention anyway.
"Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now..." You get the gist. If not, you shouldn't be reading this. You should go see your doctor.
I turned around and started looking for something to do. After wandering around aimlessly for several hours the sun hid behind the horizon. No, I was wandering aimlessly. The sun went to the west.
I walked out of the forest. The city itself was even bright during the night. I reached the edge of the city.
Pink.
Author's Note
All hail CitrusFizz! The one and only pre-reader!
Bow to him, for he is our Lord and Savior!
