The Sexiest Man in Equestria

As I walked through town, things seemed slightly brighter than usual. The pegasi had done a better job than usual with the weather, apparently, and most ponies were out enjoying themselves. I headed straight for Time Turner's house, humming to myself as I went. I had a good feeling about today, and it wasn't just because I had gone three rounds in less than twelve hours. I was sure, for no particular reason, that my plan to get Colgate into Time Turner's herd was about to be completed. I knocked on said stallion's door, and nodded my head with the beat of the song I was humming. When the door finally opened, Derpy was standing there, only wearing a loose-fitting bathrobe that sagged and showed off her cleavage. For some reason, a lot of ponies didn't want anything to do with the mare because of her eyes, but I never could figure out how the other stallions in town could resist those big tits. The lack of high-speed flight had allowed her body to grow outward, and the only pegasus in town that could claim a larger bust was Fluttershy.

"Hey, Derpy. Timmy here?"

"Yeah. He's in the kitchen. Come on in."

I followed her in, and shut the door behind me as she led the way. Sure enough, Time Turner was in the kitchen, making pancakes. As we came in, he glared at me a little.

"You, sir, are not getting any."

"That's alright," I said with a grin, "Pinkie already made me breakfast. Waffles, with whole milk."

Neither of them knew what I was talking about, but they didn't need to, either.

"Anyway, how did last night go?"

"Great!" Derpy answered. "I dunno what that potion was, but we were fucking for over three hours! I've never felt so good before. Or sore, either, but I can deal with that. Oh! And, we decided to see if Colgate wants to join us, too."

"Cool." I looked around, suddenly aware of how quiet it was. "Dinky's already at school, I take it?"

Derpy nodded.

"Yep. Which means Timey and I will be making a trip to the dentist's today."

Time Turner spun around, sputtering.

"Wh-bu-pl- Why are we going today?!"

"Because," Derpy said in a matter-of-fact tone, "if we wait, then you'll change your mind. I want this to happen, too, you know. Having a unicorn parent will be especially good for Dinky, and I've had enough conversations with Colgate that I know she's a good pony, and she'll be fun to have around."

Time Turner went back to flipping pancakes, dejectedly.

"Well, that should be a good show. I'll be going over there later, as well."

Derpy's face lit up.

"Ooh! Maybe you could help us talk to Colgate! I'm sure it would make things go at least a little smoother."

Time Turner's arm suddenly flexed in surprise, and he screamed as the pancake he had been holding with the spatula slapped onto his face. Derpy jumped up and ripped the offending food from his eyes, throwing it onto a plate and then leading her stallion to the sink to wash off the rest and soothe the burns with cold water. He panted and shuddered as the water washed over him, then wiped his eyes off with a paper towel and glared at me.

"Thanks for helping out with that, Zephyr."

I raised my hands defensively.

"Hey, man, if you think I'm going to put myself in front of a mare when her stallion needs help, you're delusional. Besides, Derpy is more than capable of fixing you up without me. It's why I'm never worried about your health. I know you're in good hands, so there's no reason to worry."

Derpy helped Time Turner to sit down as her bathrobe came open, showing a couple small bruises on her stomach. Taking a closer look at Time Turner, I also noticed that the area around his lips looked like it had been chewed, and the edge of a bruise on his shoulder was visible under the collar of his shirt.

They were really going at it yesterday.

Derpy retied her bathrobe and took Timmy's place at the stove as I got up.

"Well, I have things that I have to actually take care of, so I guess I'll see you two at the dentist. I gotta get going. Enjoy the pancakes, dude. Claim your tasty revenge."

Turner groaned at my joke and Derpy giggled. Both waved as I left, and the door clicked shut behind me as I headed for my first stop.

--

About an hour later, I was walking into Colgate's dentistry office. The waiting room was quiet, but I could hear Colgate muttering to herself in her private office, past the actual work area. The place was empty, surprisingly. It would have been suspicious, were I not already aware of how quickly Colgate finished her appointments, and how easily she convinced others to brush their teeth regularly. It sometimes surprised me how she stayed in business. I made a beeline for her office, and found her staring in frustration at a packet of paper. I knocked on the open door, and her head snapped up to look at me.

"Oh, Zephyr! Sorry, I forgot. Here, let me show the hose that's clogged."

She got up and strode past me. Whatever she had been reading obviously had her riled up, because she didn't even make a passing attempt at getting me aroused. Every time I had visited her previously, she had done something to try to get my attention. This time, though, it was all business. She went straight to one of the three adjustable chairs in the room, and pulled the air hose from the side.

"I can still use it, but there's something stuck somewhere in the tube."

I took the handle, and flipped the switch, listening to the air flow. A faint whistling sound confirmed that there was something in the tube, but the opaque nature of the tube prevented identification of the blockage. I turned the switch back, and crouched down next to the base of the tube, setting my bag next to me.

"This shouldn't take too long. If I can get the tube by itself, I should be able to just wash out whatever's in there. In other news, though, you'll be having a couple other visitors later, so you'll have something to do while I'm working, at least."

"What."

The sheer level of fear in Colgate's voice made me turn around. She was sweating, and her breathing was beginning to accelerate. Her eyes had gone wide, and her pupils were shrinking even as I watched. I stood back up, and put my hands on her shoulders.

"Colgate, I don't know what's bothering you, but you should calm down. Panicking won't help you."

She nodded, and began forcing herself to take deeper breaths.

"Right. Right. I'm sorry, I just... I've had a bad morning."

"I can tell." I crouched back down as she calmed, and started taking apart the suction hose. "I don't mind listening, if you like."

"I.... I haven't been making enough money lately. I've been cutting costs where I can, and buying only the necessities as cheaply as possible, but unless I suddenly find myself with an inheritance, I won't be able to make my mortgage payment this month."

I paused as I was undoing a screw, and looked back at her with a smile.

"Well, then, you'll be jumping for joy about your other visitors."

She tilted her head in confusion.

"Huh?"

On cue, I heard the door open, and Derpy's voice rang out.

"Hellooo? Colgate, are you here?"

I made a short whistle to get her attention, and she came in a second later, wearing a tight blue t-shirt and equally tight jeans. Timmy followed close behind, wearing baggy shorts and a loose v-neck. I wondered briefly if Derpy had accidentally switched their clothes again.

"Hi, guys," Colgate greeted as I finally got the tube free of the base, "You aren't scheduled for at least another two months, is something wrong?"

I started undoing the handle on the tube, watching the scene from the corner of my eye as Derpy answered.

"Well, we actually had a question for you. We were wondering...." She trailed off, and gestured to Timmy with her arms, prompting him to speak up.

"Well, we wanted to know if, maybe, you uh... you would join our herd." He smiled a little too widely, obviously nervous as Colgate stood frozen. I managed to get the main fastener on the air hose handle undone, and the silence was broken as I dropped one of the pieces.

"You," Colgate finally began, "want me, in your herd?" She got up close to Time Turner, looking closely at his eyes. "Really?"

I collected the piece that fell, and put everything that I had disassembled in a neat group, preventing them from being mixed up as I watched Timmy nod nervously. Colgate's posture suddenly changed as she relaxed againsst him and a wide, sultry smile plastered itself across her muzzle.

"I thought you'd never ask." She shoved her lips against his, throwing him off balance and forcing him to fall into one of the other chairs. I shared a look with Derpy.

"Well that went faster than I expected."

Colgate broke away from the panting stallion beneath her, and turned to look at me.

"Why? Have you met this guy? He's the sweetest stallion in Ponyville. You're fun, Zephyr, but I've been hoping to get with this guy for years. I even made some passes at him during his appointments."

Time Turner cocked his head in surprise.

"You did?"

Every eye in the room looked at him, even Derpy's wanderer.

"What? I always thought it was my imagination."

Colgate made a low, lusty growl, and started rubbing herself against him.

"Derpy, could you flip the sign on the front door to 'closed', please? I need to make up for lost time." Derpy fluttered her wings, and left giggling as I held up the air tube to see what was inside. I could see something lumpy about a quarter of the way in, and got up to try and flush it out. I took a glance at Colgate and Turner. He had one hand squeezing her cutie mark, and the other running up and down her side. Derpy came back in, and leaned over them to inspect their performance. I ran the tube under hot water from the sink for several seconds, but with no results. I leaned back against the sink, trying to break up the material in the tube by squeezing it while I watched the make-out session begin to escalate.

Colgate shrugged off her coat to reveal black business pants and a green scrubs top, and Derpy rolled up Time Turner's shirt before pulling it off, throwing it on top of the coat. Timmy started pulling off the scrubs and Derpy pulled off her shirt as I looked down the tube again to find my efforts at breaking the lump were for naught. I tried hitting it against the counter once, just for the sake of the attempt, but nothing happened. Colgate broke the kiss with Timmy and began sliding down his body as an idea occurred to me. I went over to the row of drawers where I knew she kept her electric tools, and opened each until I found the heat gun for making plaster casts. I took it out, and leaned over the chair on the other side from where Derpy was holding Timmy's head against her bare breast, to get Colgate's attention while she sucked Time Turner's dick. As usual, she was making a lot of noise, too, forcing me to be loud.

"Hey, Colgate!"

She looked up as she continued bobbing her head. I held up the gun where she could see it.

"Okay if I borrow this?"

She nodded her head, then resumed slurping the cock in her mouth. I plugged in the heat gun, or 'directional heater', as the ponies called it, and aimed it at the area around the blockage in the tube. I turned the tube over as I heated it up, and stopped when I started having trouble holding it. I quickly shut off the heat gun and and put it down, then started kneading and twisting the tube, hoping the heat had loosened the blockage enough to get rid of it. As I did so, I could hear Time Turner grunt through Derpy's chest, and a short gag from Colgate followed by several seconds of silence. I heard Colgate pull off with a pop as she sucked him dry, then the sounds of her panting and Timmy gasping for air. I gave the tube one more squeeze, and felt something shift inside. I relaxed my grip on the tube, and held it up by one end, allowing several bits of dried, chalky something to fall out. I got a little closer as a wet squelching sound came from behind me, followed by a long, quiet whine from Colgate. A minty smell hit my nose as I was inspecting the debris from the tube, and it suddenly clicked that I was looking at toothpaste that had been sitting in the tube long enough to dry out and become a solid blockage.

I nearly hurled.

Fortunately, I was able to keep down my breakfast, and I grabbed a trash can and used a paper towel to wipe the toothpaste off the counter, followed by a good shaking of the tube to remove any particularly stubborn bits. I checked the tube again, and didn't see any other blockages down the length. Satisfied, I returned the trash can to its place and began reassembling the suction hose. Colgate, meanwhile, was being pounded from below as she rode on Time Turner's dick. As he fucked her, he massaged her ass with one hand, and held her breast still with the other so he could suck on it, while Colgate herself waged an obvious tongue war with Derpy. The two mares had their fingers completely entangled in each other's manes, and they were moving their mouths ferociously. I finished putting the hose back together as all three of their movements became more frantic, and packed up my tools as Timmy suddenly grabbed Colgate's hips with both hands, and shoved her as far down his dick as she would go, which still left a couple inches to go as he threw his head back and grit his teeth. She squeaked as Derpy tittered next to them, fluttering her wings and bouncing slightly. Finally, Time Turner's orgasm ended, and he relaxed, Colgate following close behind as she collapsed against his chest. Derpy started petting them both as I picked up my bag.

"Okay, Colgate, I'm done here. Turns out there was some dried-up toothpaste in there. I managed to get it out, though, so it should work fine, now. You want me to just leave you the bill?"

She nodded breathlessly.

"Alright, then. See you all later."

Colgate and Timmy smiled at me and Derpy gave a small wave as I left the trio to clean themselves up. I wrote a quick note for how much Colgate owed me, and left it on her appointment counter before exiting the building.

Now I just need to get rid of this boner. I'll bet Pinkie wouldn't mind a break.