The Sexiest Man in Equestria

As I headed for Sugarcube Corner, I suddenly heard a buzzing sound behind me, accompanied by the sound of squeaky wheels. I reflaxively flattened myself against the nearest wall, just in time to miss getting run over by the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they went zooming past. I shook my head in exasperation, and continued on my way, only to be landed upon by the very mare I was looking for.

"Zephyr! Zephyr Zephyr Zephyr Zephyr Zephyr ZephyrZephyrZephyrZephyr ZEPHYR!"

I rolled my hips to make sure she knew my current situation.

"No time for that right now, Zephyr!" She suddenly sprang up and hauled me to my feet. I braced my legs against the ground as she began pulling me along, and started dirt-skiing. "We need to get ready! Twilight's brother is getting married in two days, and we're all invited! The train leaves to-"

"MONSTER!!!"

Pinkie's explanation was suddenly cut off as Rose, Lily, and Daisy suddenly ran across our path, hollering about some far-off threat that was going to destroy the town. I stood back up properly as Pinkie looked down the road after them, and started heading in the direction the Flower Trio had fled from.

"I wonder what's got them all riled up this time?"

I walked down the road the last couple of blocks to the edge of town, where I could see a dust cloud in the distance, as well as a faint humming.

Vvrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm

I stared out at the small dot at the base of the dust cloud, shading my eyes so I could focus my eyes better at the long distance.

Vvvrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm

As it got closer, the humming suddenly changed pitch, and I grinned. I turned to Pinkie, who was staring at me curiously.

"Pinkie, go ahead and finish packing your stuff. I'll meet up with you all at the station, okay?"

Vvvrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm

"Is everything alright? I've never heard a sound like that before."

Vvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmm

"I have. Don't worry, it's fine. Besides, I'll need to get my stuff before I head over, anyway."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!"

She bounded off, and I turned back as the shape kicking up the dust cloud finally became clear. It was something I had told almost every pony I talked to about, and several had been trying to make one. Judging from the size, sound, and style, though, there was only one possibility:

Vinyl Scratch had finally built a car.

It was still relatively crude, with an obvious lack of shock absorbers, no glass, and a distinct lack of aerodynamics, but it drove, and that was what mattered. The main panelling was painted a pure white, with the smaller panels done in black and accented with gold trim. The nose was longer than what I was used to, but it was rounded at the front, giving the car a sleeker look than the original cars from Earth. In the driver's seat, I could see Vinyl wearing a pair of goggles and grinning wildly. The car suddenly pitched forward, sliding across the ground and turning slightly as the ground gave way to the machine. It stopped a few feet in front of me, and I shut my eyes and mouth as it kicked up more dust. When I was finally able to see again, Vinyl had already shut the car off and gotten out. She started dancing as she moved around the vehicle, obviously proud of herself.

"Awww, yeah. Who's the mare? Come on, let me hear you say it, Zephyr!" She leaned towards me and put a hand to her ear. I folded my arms and chuckled.

"Alright, Vinyl, today, you are the mare."

She stuck her arm straight up, and resumed dancing.

"That's right! Uh-huh! I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm makin' a new fad!"

I walked around the car as Vinyl continued her victory dance. The wheels were incredibly thin, and the back seat of the vehicle was pressed against the back wall, which stood vertically with no trunk. The seats themselves were barely existent, with right angles at the joining of the back and the seat itself, with minimal padding.

"Well, it's primitive, but it's a car, alright." I finished walking around it to see Vinyl put her goggles over her horn and stare at me flabbergasted.

"'Primitive'?! This is the single most advanced piece of technology in Equestria! How is this beautiful machine 'primitive' in any way?" She folded her arms at me and leaned on one leg. I smiled.

"How fast can it go?"

She blinked.

"Huh?"

"How fast can it go?"

"Uh, I just had it topped out. Why? Did you expect it to go faster?"

"Not really, no. It's about what I expected for a first try. It's just not very impressive, compared to the top-end stuff back home."

Vinyl grinned amusedly, obviously not believing that there had been anything especially more impressive on Earth.

"Oh, really? And how fast can your 'top-end' stuff go?"

"As I recall, the fastest supercar on the market could go just under ten times faster than that."

Vinyl's jaw dropped.

"If it makes you feel any better, cars like that were considered little more than ways for especially rich people to show off. A lot of people didn't even know most of those cars existed. I certainly never laid eyes on them."

Vinyl squeaked in disbelief, and I clapped a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry about it. We've had about a century to improve. This is your first one. And for the record, it actually looks a little nicer than our first few tries."

She shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. I still can't believe how fast your good ones can go, though. Makes me look a little pathetic."

"Just keep improving. Don't worry, with the way things work around here, ponies will be driving around in supercars within your lifetime."

"If you say so." She suddenly perked back up and looked at me suggestively. "So anyway, you doing anything tonight? Or should I say, anypony?"

I refolded my arms.

"Probably. I started a pack not long ago, and I now have three lovely mares with a permanent reservation in my bed."

Vinyl stared at me slack-jawed for a moment before shaking her head back to full functionality.

"You started a herd?! Without me?" She bent at the waist to show off her cleavage, and gave me her best sad-eyes. "Why would you do that?"

"Because," I explained as I struggled not to laugh at her expression, "I had no way of reaching you, and you're already with Octavia. Besides, I knew you wouldn't take long to build a car, and as soon as it was done, you would want to show it off to me. I figured once Octavia got here, the two of you could meet my mares, and then we all decide whether or not you join together."

Vinyl returned to a full standing position, and thought about it.

"Alright, fine. It's going to have to wait a few days, though. I've got a gig up in Canterlot for a wedding in two days."

"Really? Who's the groom?"

She shrugged.

"Some high-ranking Guard member."

"Well, then, that's perfect. Twilight just got an invitation, herself. It's her brother, and the rest of her friends are going, as well. Apparently the invitation included me, too."

Vinyl smiled suggestively.

"You know, we could go up there now, and get a head start on the after-party." She swished her tail.

"Sorry, Vinyl. I don't think Twilight and Pinkie would appreciate that."

Her eyes suddenly went wide.

"Wait a second. You're telling me that you're shooting your load into two of the Elements of Harmony on a regular basis?!"

I nodded.

"Suddenly I don't feel bad about not knowing until now. Anyway, since you're heading up there with them, I suppose I'll let you off the hook, just this once. When that wedding is over, though, I expect a chance to have your cock in my mouth. You'd better not forget."

"Oh, don't worry, I won't. You should probably start heading up now, though. That thing might have some trouble on the incline."

She nodded in agreement, and put her goggles back on as she moved back to the driver's door.

"I'll see you up there, Zephyr. Let the other two know that I want in, too. I don't want to suddenly come up with hugs and kisses for everyone and have them get angry at me."

"Don't worry, I will."

She got in, turned the car on, and backed out before zooming away around the town to get to the mountain road. I headed back to my house. Inside, I headed to the far end of the lower-level hallway, and looked carefully at the edge of the wall, near the ceiling. After a moment, I spotted what I was looking for: a small divot in the wall, in the shape of a semicircle. I grabbed the edge, and pulled down. A small section of the wall pulled away like a lever, and I put more strength into pulling. The entire wall along the hallway began to lower, and the sound of metal against metal came from the entire length of the hall. Behind it, a second wall stood flush with the back, and a metal door stood about halfway down, built so that it left no space between itself and the moving wall. I pushed the lever all the way to the floor, and two loud clicks sounded as the locks under the floor held the wall in place. I moved to the door, and pushed against two half-circles of metal to grasp the handle between them. I turned it, and the door swung in to reveal a tight spiral staircase leading down. At the bottom, my lab sat dark, unused for over a week from everything that had been happening. I turned on one of the many lights inside, and gathered what I needed. A large, impressively-decorated sword, and two bracelets. I turned the light back off, and returned to the main house. With the door resealed, I pulled the wall back up, assisted by the spring-pulley system I had built to hold the wall in place. I then returned the lever to its original position, locking it all down. I went upstairs and got my guitar, then crossed it with the sword on my back after putting on one of my light jackets to cover the bracelets from casual glances. With the addition of a piece of string and a deck of cards, I was ready to go.

--

"You are not bringing that to the wedding."

Twilight glared at me, arms folded, as her friends watched from one side. I put my hands up defensively to try and calm her down.

"Of course not! Luna just told me that there have been more crimes lately than usual, so I want to have some insurance. It's not like I'm going to bring it to the ceremony. And besides, if they ask me to fork it over for security, you know I won't argue. I promise, it won't cause problems, okay?"

She leaned forward threateningly.

"Pinkie Promise?"

I sighed, and went through the motions.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." I covered my eye with my hand, instead of jabbing my fingers into it, like most ponies did, and Twilight relaxed slightly.

"Alright, but if somepony even suggests that you should put it away, it doesn't come back out except for legitimate emergencies, alright?"

"That was already my plan."

She heaved a sigh, and turned towards the train nearby.

"Alright, let's go."

Pinkie latched onto my arm as soon as everything was decided, and I twirled her around to hold her closer. She nuzzled my chest as we began walking and my thoughts drifted off.

I just really hope I don't need to use my real weapon.