Chapters As I came back to the land of the living, I saw I was no longer in my little clearing. I sat up, and saw I was situated in front of a small wooden hut. I stood up, my legs still a bit shaky from my presumably long nap. I knocked on the door a few times, hoping that whatever forest hermit that lived inside didn’t feel like having human flesh at the moment. When the door opened, I saw the tiny horse thing from earlier. I could see my look reflected in her obscenely large baby blues.
“Hello?” I said, unsure of how it would react.
“Y-you can talk?” The horse (that was pretty clearly a she) stammered out,
“I would hope so, or my many years of schooling would be for naught!” I said dryly, then immediately perked back up, realizing I was making what would essentially be first contact. “Anyway, I think I saw you earlier in that clearing, but I don’t quite remember. Was that you, or some other white and blue horse with a horn on its head?” I said, only realizing how rude that may have been after seeing her indignant expression.
“Pony. I am a pony. P-O-N-Y pony, and a unicorn at that, not some horse. As for your question, yes that was me. I heard some shouting and decided to investigate. Obviously, I made the wrong decision.” She said sarcastically, while simultaneously shutting the door without moving her hooves. I moved to block the door.
“Wait, no! I realize we may have gotten off on the wrong foot,” She looked at me, clearly confused at my figure of speech. I grimaced when I realized my mistake “Erm, hoof, but please, I have no idea where I am, and I was only rude because I’ve never seen something like you before. Could you at least explain where this is?” I begged, thoroughly killing all dignity the human race ever had. It was impressive really, in only a few sentences, I made humanity look as pathetic as group of lost kindergarteners. To my surprise, her glare lessened and her eyes narrowed, as if inspecting me in the way a starved man would a piece of moldy bread. Either she was desperate for contact, or starving. I sincerely hoped it was the former, as being eaten was not all that high on my list of things to do today.
“Are there more of you?” She asked, clearly still suspicious of me, but to a lesser extent.
“No, as far as I know I’m the only one. Of course, I just appeared in wherever this is today, so I’m no expert.” I said smiling at the fact she didn’t attempt to shut the door on my foot. “Anyways, my name’s Albert, but you can call me Al. I figure you have a name too, right?”
“Well of course I do, just what did you think I was, some crazy forest hermit or something?” She exclaimed, the indignant expression returning.
“Yes actually, I did.” I thought to myself smugly. What I said however, was much less in the way of incentive to eat me, “No, I figured you just wanted some privacy or something. Not my place to question your choices, ma’am.” I mentally jumped for joy when I saw her smile a bit at my well placed ma’am. “Hah, I guess chivalry isn’t dead after all! Score one for the inept human!”
“Well, I suppose you gave me your name, so it would be only fair to give you mine. My name is Cold Snap, welcome to my oh so humble abode.” She said, gesturing to her wooden shack. “As much as I will probably regret this, would you like to come in? It’s getting dark.”
I had noticed that during the last while it had been getting progressively darker. “I would love to. I assure you I won’t eat you or anything. To be entirely honest, I was afraid of you eating me for a bit there… Actually, are you going to eat me?” I asked, absolutely sure I was sweating nervously as I thought about the fact she could be a terrifying flesh eating pastel horse. I saw her look at my with a tilted head, as if confused. Then she began to giggle, as she stepped to the side to allow me in.
“If I were going to eat you, would I tell you?” She said mischievously.
“Would you give me a head start if I said yes? I replied in a similar tone. She continued to giggle.
“Come in, you strange creature from deep within the forest. I’m sure you would give me a bellyache anyways.” She said, and walked inside. I followed into what seemed to be the sitting room. I took a seat across from her. “So, what’s your story Al? How do you not know when you’re in the strongest country on the planet?” She asked, genuinely curious. I told her my admittedly short story, and of my fire shooting ability. She looked surprised at the magic thing.
“I noticed you looked surprised when I mentioned magic. Not to pry, but is there a reason?” I asked, eager to learn what I could about this place. She told me of the main inhabitants, unicorns like her, pegasi, and normal ponies. Personally, it seems a bit unfair because from what she told me, the pegasi control the weather, the normal ones grow the food, and the unicorns sit in the capitol and generally do nothing productive other than take up all positions of power. I had a feeling I wouldn’t like most of them already. As she talked about the earth ponies, I noticed that she would constantly look at the ground, but she wouldn’t do this for the other races. I figured something must have happened and it was probably still bothering her. I was weighing my options between staying quiet or helping her when I noticed she had been trying to get my attention.
“-lbert can you hear me? Al, I’ve been trying to get your attention for a bit now.” She said, casting a worried glance in my direction.
“Sorry about that,” I said “but I was a bit lost in thought. I noticed you looked a bit troubled when you talked about the earth ponies. Penny for your thoughts?” She looked a bit taken aback at my observation, so I decided to do some quick damage control. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just wanna listen. Having someone who’ll listen helps.” I said, smiling genuinely. She sighed sadly.
“I don’t know. It hurts, and I haven’t even known you for more than twenty minutes. I want to tell you, but I don’t at the same time. It doesn’t make any sense!” She almost shouted, her voice cracking at the end of her outburst. I quickly moved to put my arm around her withers, praying to any god that would listen that this wasn’t some sort of sexual action.
“I think you just need to vent. I know it doesn’t make sense to open up to a complete stranger, but I assure you you’ll feel better for it. In my humble opinion, you’ve held whatever this is in far too long.” I said, in as calming a voice as was possible. I heard her sniffle a bit.
“F-fine. Better get comfortable though, as this won’t be a short story.” She said, and began her tale.
I wasn’t really sure what to say. I had assumed, what with all the bright colors and how the main inhabitants of the land being ponies and all, that everything would be sunshine and rainbows. It would seem I was as wrong as I could have possibly been. I looked down at the now sobbing Cold Snap who was at this point on my lap. It had been strange, I thought, that she had been willing to open up to a strange creature like she had, but now I understand. It would seem she didn’t trust other ponies at all, and she lived in this forest out of fear. Living for so long with only minimal contact with others is quite detrimental to one’s health, both mental and physical.
“Do you feel any better after getting that of your chest?” I asked softly, be careful not to startle her. I saw her look up at me.
“Y-yeah, a bit. You’re a good listener, you know?” She said, with a ghost of a smile on her face.
“Yeah well, they don’t give out Professional Counseling Doctorates to just anyone y’know?” I said, with a smile of my own. She giggled a bit as she moved her head out of my lap. “So, I never did ask, how is life out here in the forest? It would seem a bit lonely to me.” I said, wiggling a bit in my own seat.
“Well, it is pretty lonely, but I’m used to it.” She said, the smile dying a bit. I knew I would be stepping out on a limb here with what I was going to ask next, but I felt it would probably be best for both of us.
“So, are we what you would consider friends?” I asked, and she nodded in response, though she showed obvious confusion at the question. “And friends don’t let friends feel sad, right?” I inquired again, a small smile starting to form on my face. She nodded again, still confused at my line of questioning. “Would you say that I’m a silly being lost in a world that isn’t his?” I asked, the smile growing wider. She looked at me for a moment, before nodding for a third time. “So, would it be safe to say that you are not an alien?” I asked, quickly nearing the end of my little line of questions.
“I guess you couldn’t call me an alien. Where are you going with thi-” She said, before her eyes widened and her muzzle scrunched up in adorable realization of what I had in mind.
“Yeah, I think you see where this was going. So wanna come? Adventure, see the sights, and what not?” I asked. “I could use a friend, and with you as a companion I’ll probably be attacked by the local population somewhat less. I mean, worst comes to worst, you can shove me at them with your magic and run.” I said with a smile. She was still quiet, though it was more a look of contemplation than shock on her face. “Take your time, I know it’s a tall order, but you’re lonely and I need a friend to help me find a way home. It would be good for both of us.”
“I-I don’t know, I’ve never really been out of this forest before, and I don’t know how much help I would be, and how do I know I can trust you, and-” I put my finger up to her mouth, silencing her nervous rambling.
“Say no more.” I said “I said I wouldn’t force you to go, and I won’t. I am a man of my word, after all.” I moved to stand up, then stretched a bit. I was a bit sad to say goodbye to Cold, but I did say I wouldn’t force her. I started walking to the door, but was stopped by a pull on the back of my shirt. I turned around and saw Cold’s horn glowing, and my shirt glowing as well. I looked at her, eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer.
“Silly forest beast, I never said no.” She said, grabbing what looked like saddlebags in her magic. She packed a few things, including a small bag of what I assumed was currency, a few carrots, and a map. She then turned back to me. “Alright, let’s find a way to get you out of this world.” I smiled.
“Right on. Let’s go Freezie.” I said, walking through the door. She trotted up next to me, looking somewhat indignant at something.
“Freezie?” She said dryly. I didn’t need to turn to know she was looking at me.
“Yeah, Freezie. Your name is Cold Snap and your mane looks a bit like ice. The mark on your flank is an icicle over a snowflake. Anything else you do that’s related to that sort of thing?” I asked, turning to look at her. She looked a bit sheepish and turned away, then mumbled something. “I didn’t quite catch that Freezie, say again?” She looked toward me this time and mumbled something again. “I still can’t quite hear you, could you speak up?” I said, my tone teasing. She picked up on this, because she started glaring at me, then took a deep breath. I was already moving my hands to my ears when she started to speak.
“I SPECIALIZE IN ICE RELATED MAGICKS OK? HAPPY?” She shouted, trying to look intimidating.
“Very happy. So, do you like your new nickname or not? I couldn’t tell.” I said cheekily. She grunted noncommittally prompting me to chuckle but continue walking.
It had been a couple of hours of walking, but we were finally at the entrance to the forest. I saw that the road ahead split into a fork. At the head of this fork was a couple of road signs. One pointed east and said ‘Maresden’ and the other pointed somewhat west and read ‘Ponyville’. I stopped and turned to Cold.
“So, which way do we go now?” I asked, unsettled by the surprisingly self-aware horse puns in the town names.
“Well, you’re looking for a way home, and the best hope for that would be magic. We could go to either really, as they both have something magically unique about them.” She said, looking at her map. I studied both the signs and trails as if the answer would appear if I stared hard enough.
“What do you mean by magically unique?” I asked, still waiting for the signs to give me an answer. She lifted a hoof and pointed toward Maresden.
“Maresden is home to one of the very few gryphon mages in the world. Not much is known about their magic, so he or she may be able to help,” She moved her hoof toward Ponyville. “However Ponyville is home to the Elements of Harmony, a group of magic artefacts. Your choice, really.”
I closed my eyes, stuck out my hand, and did what any sane human would do. I started mumbling the age old rhyme, moving my hand back and forth to the rhythm.
“-and you are… it!” I exclaimed, opening my eyes. I was pointing directly at the Maresden sign. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” I said excitedly, walking down the eastern trail. I faintly heard Freezie ask herself what she had gotten into. “Your guess is as good as mine, Snap. Your guess is as good as mine.” I said cheerily, then continued walking.
We walked on in silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence however, but a companionable one. While we walked, I contemplated the fact that I was in a new world. The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped, looked around, and realized this was not my world. In all likelihood, I would never see anyone I knew again. I felt my hands ignite, so I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I was distracted by these depressing thoughts by a rustling in the bushes. I motioned for Cold to stop, and I looked toward the bushes. I had had some experience with muggings back on Earth, and I figured that on a world that was perpetually stuck in the middle ages would probably have highwaymen. My guess was proven correct when out from the bushes jumped the strangest pair of creatures I had ever seen (since earlier this morning that is). The tallest one was obviously a Minotaur. It stood over me by at least a foot, with curly ram horns seated on his head. The shorter one seemed to be some sort of dog, but it was bipedal. They were both looking intently at Cold, who was cowering behind me.
“Gib me yur valuables miss, an yew an yur pet won be harmed.” The dog said in broken English. He whipped out a rusty dagger, pointing it at me. I could see where this was going, so I decided to act accordingly.
“No, I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I said, igniting my hands and stepping forward, “For one, I am NOT a pet. Secondly, I’m not particularly happy that you just threatened my friend here. So, I recommend you step back and leave while you are still able.” I finished, probably looking quite smug. The Minotaur and the dog just looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. Laughing that promptly stopped when I sent the dog into a tree with a blast of fire.
“Now you’re gonna get it!” I heard a gravelly voice say, before being punched by a creature with muscles bigger than my head. Now on the ground clutching my stomach in pain, I saw him walking slowly toward Cold Snap with a predatory glint in his eyes. This glint changed to fear when a bolt of solid ice speared through his gut. He promptly fell over dead.
“N-nice shot, Freezie.” I wheezed, still trying to get back my breath. She looked back at me, tears welling up in her eyes. I quickly realized why. Killing things, even in self-defense, is quite bad for the psyche in the long run. I moved to comfort her, as I had a hunch this would not be the last time she killed, and my time would be soon coming. “It’s alright, you had to or he would have killed you. You did what you had to.” I soothed, slowly petting her mane. She looked up at me with her big, tearful eyes.
“B-but I k-k-killed h-him. He hurt you, t-than started toward me and I was s-scared. I just a-acted.” She said, her voice cracking more than once. I continued petting her mane.
“You saved my life, and your own. You only acted on instinct, and no one can blame you for that. Chin up Freezie, on the bright side you’re now my personal hero! You did save my life after all.” I said softly, smiling in what I hoped was a comforting manner before wiping her tears away. I got up, and moved toward the bodies of the Minotaur and the unconscious dog.
“What are you doing?” She called to me as I neared the bodies.
“I’m going to take the weapons so that when the dog wakes up, he can’t keep mugging travelers as easy.” I replied, picking up the dagger coated in what I now realized was blood, not rust. I then walked toward the dog, opening his bag to look for his weapons. Inside the bag I found a small coin pouch and a cube. The cube was rather small, fitting perfectly in the palm of my hand. It glowed faintly with what I assumed was magical power, and small runes were inscribed on its glossy black surface. I pocketed the coins and the cube and walked back to Cold Snap. “Alright, let’s get moving. I’m sure there is some sort on police or something we can report this to when we get to Maresden.” I said, walking down the road. She trotted next to me, looking right at my crotch area. “See something you like?” I asked dryly, looking at her. Her normally white coat turned red as she realized where she was looking.
“W-what, no! How could you even think that, that’s bestiality! No, I could just detect a faint magical signature in your pocket is all!” She all but shouted, looking away but obviously still blushing. I laughed at her reaction. I pulled the cube from my pocket.
“I found this when I was looking for weapons, and figured it might do something. That, and it was glowing. My simple mind just couldn’t think to leave a shiny thing behind.” I said with a smirk. “Anyway, you know what this thing is?” I asked, noticing her staring at the cube.
“That is a keystone.” She said in quiet awe.
“A what?” I replied eloquently replied.
“A keystone. It was used to unlock the massive front doors in old unicorn tribal ruins that date from before the unification.” I looked at her blankly, not knowing what this unification was. “They are obscenely rare artefacts, because the corresponding ruin could only be opened by the corresponding key. That guarantees that whatever treasure that lays inside is still there!” She said, obviously quite excited by the prospect of treasure.
“Sounds very Skyrim” I muttered, before turning toward her. “Neat. I could do with some magical treasure.” I said with a smile, before turning to head toward the town. “I bet if the key is here, the ruins might be close. We could probably ask around town for it too. Who knows, it might even have a way for me to get home in it!” I finished, as excited about this little treasure hunt as her. As we climbed the hill in front of us, I could only stop mouth agape. Smoke billowed up through the trees and the cries for help could be heard from here. Maresden was on fire.
“Well then.” I said, completely dumbfounded. I looked on at the town in abject horror, until I heard the cries of what must have been a child. That snapped me out of my stupor, and I started running. “Well, no time like the present to be heroes, I guess!” I called to Cold, running at top speed toward the town. As we approached, I moved toward the nearest sounds of distress, coming from what looked like a small storefront. The walls were on fire, and the roof appeared to be sagging quite heavily. I turned around and told Cold Snap to work on putting out the fires with her ice magic, then I kicked down the door with all the finesse of a man who watched too many police dramas.
I ran in, ignoring the pain in my door kicking foot. I took caution, attempting to avoid the flames where possible, as while I was now fireproof, my clothes certainly weren’t. By the time I reached the rear of the store, however, I could almost feel the rubber soles of my shoes melting. I opened the door and saw what was probably a mare curled around a foal, huddled against the only wall that wasn’t currently on fire. I coughed, and she turned to me. Her eyes widened upon seeing me, and I put my hands up in what I could only hope was a calming gesture.
“Don’t worry ma’am, I’m here to get you out. Please, just trust me on this.” I moved toward her slowly, but she noticed my movement and curled around her child tighter. I’m not sure why, but her completely justified distrust bothered me to no end. “If you don’t let me help you, you ARE going to die. Whether you trust me or not is no problem of mine, but I am going to be very upset if I die arguing about saving your life.” I said with poorly hidden annoyance. She relaxed her shoulders, and I took it as an invitation to help. “Ok, I’m going to pick you up and carry you out. You are going your child, and we’re going to be outside. Sound like a plan?” I asked, moving to pick her up. She tightened her grip around the foal and nodded at me. “Alright, it’s going to get hot in there, though.” I said, turning back toward the door. Making my way back to the door was significantly harder with a mare in my arms, but I made it out the front without event. I stepped off the stoop, took one step, and was pushed forward by a gust of air as the roof collapsed into the building. I was struggling to get up, when what looked like a talon appeared in my face, motioning to help me up. I took it, and its owner pulled me up. Its owner happened to be one of the strangest things I had seen since when I was most recently mugged. It looked like a cross between some sort of feline and a bird. I assumed this was probably the griffon we had come to see in the first place. I didn’t realize I was staring, but it looked like it did.
“See something interesting?” The newly christened he said in a very playful voice.
“Yep. You the famous catbird or Maresden?” I asked, mouth working far faster than my brain. I cringed a bit at my probably callous wording, but his eyes twinkled with humor.
“Yes, I suppose I am, aren’t I?” He said with a chuckle. “Captain Professor Doctor Archmage Queen Gryphos, at your service.” He said, doing a sarcastic little bow. I was barely containing my laughter at this point, and from what I could tell, he was struggling too. A few moments later, we were rolling on the ground laughing like old friends while the town burned around us. After taking a moment to recover, I noticed both the mare I had saved and Cold Snap glaring at us. I helped Gryphos up, and we faced the town.
“Wanna help me and ice butt over there save the town?” I asked, walking toward the next house.
“Sure, why not.” He said, walking at my side. I help a sharp pain in the back of my leg as Cold gave me one hell of a Charlie horse.
“That was for calling me ice butt. Now, let’s go save some townsfolk.” Cold said, walking on my other side. With agreements all around, we ran toward the next house in the line.
~~~
After hours of all of us risking our lives and other generally helpful things, most of the fires were under control. Unfortunately, it was under control because half of the buildings that were on fire had burned to the ground. Most of the townsfolk had gotten out safely, but there had still been a large number of injuries and luckily only a few deaths. The injuries were mostly burns of varying degrees and smoke inhalation, easily healed by the few unicorns in the mostly earth pony town. Gryphos, Cold Snap, and I were relaxing on a hill recovering when we were approached by a very distinguished looking brown earth pony in a top hat. I assumed this was either the mayor or some sort of noble or something.
“Hello miss,” he said in a voice so pompous I already wanted to punch him, “I couldn’t help but notice that you and your two pets helped save this town. I think it is truly marvelous that you had these beasts trained well enough to help us in our time of need.” He finished. At this point, I was making visible effort to not strangle him. I looked over to Gryphos, and he was doing the same. I decided now was the time to speak.
“Sir, I would appreciate you keeping your racism to yourself.” I said, in the most level voice I could muster.
“Ah, you even trained them to speak! Simply marvelous. Say, could I buy them from you? They would be all the rage in Canterlot.” He said, arrogance simply oozing out of his every pore. I simply stood to my full height.
“Last chance to stop before I retaliate.” I said, my hands igniting due to my anger. I could see the fear in his eyes at this point, but the arrogance seemed to win over.
“See here you monster! I am very influential in the courts of power. I could have you banished for not speaking to me with the proper respect! You will apologize this instant or I will ensure that you spend the rest of your life on the moon.” He said in the haughtiest voice I had ever heard. I simply leaned closer to him.
“Dead men tell no tales.” I whispered into his ear, then snapped, setting his mane alight. He ran away screaming in a higher pitch than any opera singer could ever hope to have, whimpering about his ruined mane until he was out of sight. As soon as he was gone, I realized the stupidity of what I had done. I heard Cold perk up next to me.
“Al that was Lord Moneybags. He is one of the riches nobles alive. He could make our lives living Tartarus!” Cold said, sounding beyond worried.
“Of course he was.” I said, absolutely done with my life.
“Pissing of nobles and saving burning towns? Just another mane-ic Monday.” Gryphos said with a completely straight face. I have never wanted to kill myself more.
It had been a few hours since my assault on a noble, and we were sitting in the town tavern. It had been cleared of debris and the holes in the roof had been patched up by the surprisingly efficient earth ponies. The acting mayor of the town had offered to give us a reward, but all three of us declined, though I did ask for a backpack to be created and my clothes repaired. Freezie sat on my left, drinking some sort of cider with a lethal amount of salt in it, and Gryphos sat to my right, drinking the same as me, which is to say nothing. It would seem alcohol never was particularly popular in this country. I wish I had some though, as I was a bit disheartened when I found out that Gryphos could only do air related spells.
“Hey Gryphos,” I said, my voice questioning, “Have you ever seen one of these before?” I asked, lifting the keystone out of my pocket. He turned to look, and his eyes widened.
“I haven’t seen a keystone before, however I believe I have seen the runes on that particular keystone.” He said, clearly excited. “I saw them on a pillar in a nearby swamp. I believe it’s called the Mareson swamp, only an hour’s walk from here.”
“That’s very convenient.” I mumbled, before responding in a louder voice. “Cool. If you guys are ok, we can head out tomorrow. I figure it would be pretty cool.” I stood, then walked to the bartender, and paid for rooms for the three of us. We retired early, as we had adventure in our near futures.
~~~
I woke up to find that the others were waiting downstairs, ready to go. I was glad I wouldn’t need to wake one of them up. I grabbed my bag and we headed off out of town, toward where the innkeeper and Gryphos said the swamp was. Our hike lasted for a little over an hour, with our only delays being Cold getting stuck up to her neck in mud and Gryphos whining about how hard it would be to get the mud out of his fur while we helped her out. I didn’t really feel like talking, as I was still thinking about the dismal news about Gryphos not being able to help me.
“Hey Al, you’ve been really quiet lately. Something on your mind?” I heard Cold ask me. I didn’t really want to talk about it, but my training had taught me how bad it is to bottle up feelings, especially ones like helplessness.
“Just thinking about how few options I have to get home. Don’t get me wrong, you guys and this magic stuff is pretty cool, but I had family and friends back home. It’s hitting me hard, Freezie.” I said quietly, taking sudden interest in the ground. I heard Cold stop next to me, so I stopped too. I turned around, and she made motions for me to come closer. I obliged, and she wrapped me in a bone crushing hug.
“Don’t worry about it Al. We’ll find a way, we still have options left. Hay, for all we know, this ruin could have a way back for you in it.” She said, releasing me from her death grip and stepping back. I was genuinely touched by her concern. After all, it’s not every day you get such heartfelt sympathy from an asocial stranger you had met only days prior.
“Yeah, there are tons of other advanced magic users. Also, there are legends that these tombs have some crazy powerful magic artefacts in them.” Gryphos chimed in.
“Thanks guys. If I am stuck here, at least I’m stuck in good company.” I said, feeling slightly better about the whole situation. I rustled Cold’s mane and started walking again. I had forgotten how nice it was to have good friends.
~~~
We had arrived at the ruins in short order, and were looking around for a way in. The ruins were really something, the entrance was a spiral staircase downwards, leading to a door. Or, what we assumed was a door, but might just be another wall. I was feeling around a wall, when I found an indent in the wall.
“What have we here?” I muttered, then snapped, lighting a small flame just above my thumb, not unlike a lighter. Now able to see, I saw it was a cube shaped indent in the wall with only one obvious purpose. “Guys, I think I found the keyhole!” I called, the other two coming to my sides. “So, you guys think I just put this in here?” I asked, taking the keystone out of my pocket.
“I would be careful, we don’t know what kind of traps might be down here.” Said Freezie, ever the voice of reason.
“Just do it!” I hear Gryphos call from the door. I shrugged.
“Your funeral!” I called back to him, and slid the stone into the slot. I heard a rumbling behind me, and I whirled around to see the door sliding downward on some sort of mechanism. “Well, that’s neat.” I commented, before taking a tentative step toward the now open door. I was stopped by a gryphon’s talons pulling on my pant leg.
“Whoa, hold on there, Al. I’ve read about something like this in a Daring Doo book. We need to watch for tripwires and other traps.” Gryphos said from next to me. He was glaring into the dark ahead of us, as if he could vaporize any foe with his gaze alone.
“Well, what do you propose we do Gryph?” I asked, using the new nickname I had come up with a whopping twenty seconds previous. “We need to go in, but you’re right about the possible traps. I’m open to suggestions here, guys.” I said, looking at the area right in front of the door, hoping to any deity listening that there were no giant boulders in my immediate future.
“Well, the roof looks too low for Gryphos to fly safely, so there goes that.” Cold Snap mused, hoof on her muzzle. “You could try to light the way for us with fire, Al. That way we have a fighting chance to spot any traps that may be ahead. Other than that, I’m not sure.” She finished, putting her hoof back on the floor. I shrugged and obliged, creating a small flame in my hand. We started walking forward, with all of us looking at the floor constantly. We came up to a door, which opened easily with a push from my not aflame hand. What I saw almost brought me to my knees.
“So. Much. GOLD!” I all but shouted, seeing the piles of dosh and assorted weapons and armor scattered all around the room.
“I think I just came.” I head Cold mutter, and I saw Gryph nod in agreement, drooling a little bit. In our little greed induced stupor, none of us noticed the tripwire right in front of us. As we stepped toward the treasure, the floor gave way under us, each of use falling into separate tunnels. My tunnel slowly ran on a tilt till it was more like a carnival slide than a devious trap meant to maim and kill intruders. I finally fell off the chute into a room. I quickly lit up my hand and looked around. I saw a bundle of white and blue fur on the ground, and quickly ran to it.
“You ok, Freezie?” I asked, poking her fetlock. She groaned in response and struggled to stand. I helped her up, then looked around. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t any sort of exit. “Well, this is a fine mess we’ve gotten into.” I said, turning back to Cold. “It seems there are no doors, and neither of us can fly.”
“Yeah, I suppose that is a problem, isn’t it.” Cold said sarcastically. I simply sat and looked around once more. The room hadn’t changed. There was still no door.
“What do we do now?” I asked Cold, hoping for some sort of reassuring answer.
“I don’t know…” She whispered, looking around. I was glad that I had gotten over my claustrophobia long ago, because this would have driven me nuts.
“We could bang.” I said, trying to lighten the mood. This train of thought was promptly derailed when I felt a hoof crash into my shin. I did the one thing a real man could do after an injury like that, and curled into a little ball, whimpering. “I was just joking!” I whined, clutching my injured leg.
“Well, it wasn’t funny.” She said dryly.
“I dunno, I thought it was pretty funny. You sure you don’t want to turn this temple of doom into a temple of poon?” I asked, smirking. Before she could respond in some overly violent form, a part of the wall opened up, and a gryphon with green tipped primaries stuck his fluffy lion head into the chamber.
“Would you two stop discussing your plans for this evening and come on? I want to make it back for dinner.” He said with a laugh, before pulling his head back through the panel. Cold glared in his direction, then at me, then walked through the panel. I walked over to the panel, then stepped through. It led to an open chamber and another door. A look up revealed that there was a hole in the ceiling. I turned to Gryphos.
“How did you know where we were? I didn’t see any sort of door.” I asked, confused about how he found us.
“Well, I looked around, and found one panel in the wall that was exuding weak magic, almost as if it was enchanted. I simply put a bit of magic into it, and it popped open.” He said.
“Neat. You know what’s on the other side of that door?” I asked.
“Nope. You?” He responded.
“Not a clue. Wanna find out?” I said, walking toward the door.
“Why not.” He said, then together we pushed open the door. As we stepped into the huge multi-level chamber, I suppressed a gasp. All around us were hundreds of coffins. That wasn’t what bothered me, however. What bothered me, was that many of the lids were now open.
I turned slowly to my companions, fearing the worst.
“So,” I started, nervously looking at the empty coffins, then back at my companions. “What are the chances that there are zombies here?” I asked, hoping for a negative.
“None. What are you, five? Everypony knows that zombies don’t exist, Al.” Cold Snap deadpanned. I sighed in relief.
“Well, actually, with all the defensive enchantments on this place, in combination with how long these corpses have been here, residual magic may have seeped into the bodies, animating them in much the same way that one would create a golem. So actually, It's quite likely.” Gryphos said matter-of-factly. It almost physically hurt me to admit how much sense that made.
“God damn it, of course it is. Well, since more than half the coffins are currently open, I’m going to go ahead and say that we are most definitely fighting our way through.” I said, more irritated then anything else. Cold still looked stunned that Gryphos was able to say something that intelligent. “Well,” I said, gesturing to the first set of stairs. “Let’s get moving then. Horrible undead abominations won’t kill themselves, after all. We started our walk up the first flight, moving up a floor in the giant room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. I whirled around and saw what was probably one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen. If you’ve ever seen The Walking Dead, Zomponies looked somewhat like that, only you could actually see the centuries old flesh roll off of bones as if it were liquid. What was worse was the ribcage seemed to contain the rotting organs, only half preserved. As it stood, I could see what looked like its large intestine slowly coil out of the remnants of the stomach cavity. I moved my eyes up to the skull, to see half decomposed eyeballs left in the eye sockets, a strange green flame burning behind them. The skin that used to hold the jaw in place had fully decomposed, and as a result the jaw was completely unhinged, swinging with the motions of the abomination.
Being the manly man I was, I let out a very feminine scream possible and shot a huge bolt of fire at the creature. As my companions spun around to see what had happened, I was stuck staring at the smudge on the wall that was the zompony. I was breathing heavily, that bolt of fire having taken quite a bit out of me. I turned around to see two dry looks.
“Hey, don’t judge me! You two didn’t see it! It was horrible. A-absolutely horrible.” I said, my stuttering doing wonders to defend my last scraps of honor
“Yeah, right. Sure it was.” Gryphos said dismissively, while Cold just rolled her eyes. They moved to the other side of the room, walking up the stairs to the next floor. I just sat down, trying to recover from the nightmare fuel that I had just seen, when I heard two extremely feminine screams from the next floor up. I ran up the stairs, only to see bones scattered all over the room and a zompony hanging from a wall, impaled on a large shard of ice the size of my head. I turned to the gryphon and the mare, who somehow looked both sheepish and terrified at the same time. I like to think that I looked smug at that point, but I probably looked terrified too. I just pointed at next set of stairs, and they nodded. We moved on, desperate to get out of this tomb without becoming one of the occupants.
~~~
After three more floors, a few more screams, and plenty more zombies, we came to a large set of doors. They looked to be made of a dark stone, obsidian perhaps. I pushed them open, and we entered a chamber about the same size as the orgasmic treasure room. In it was a raised platform, with a staircase winding upward around it. At the top of the platform was a coffin, larger than the rest of them. I looked questioningly toward the others, but they just shrugged. I’m not sure how Freezie shrugged, but she did. We walked over to the stairs, moving as stealthily as a small horse, a cat-bird hybrid, and an oversized ape could. When we reached the top, I saw two things that bothered me to no end; one was the largest coffin of them all, and the other was a large urn, made of some sort of glowing clay and covered in runes and hieroglyphs.
“My life is just a bad video game refren-“ I started, before the coffin’s lid slowly rose, revealing a skeletal hoof. I took a startled step back, knocking into my companions and falling on my ass in one fell swoop. The lid slammed to the ground with a loud bang, as the figure in the coffin stood. Its skin was mostly intact, showing that the coffin was quite effective in preserving what was inside. The remains of a once lush mane swayed slightly as the figure stepped slowly out of its tomb. It seemed to look around, before stretching a pair of skeletal wings. It turned toward us slowly, and when the creature finally was facing us, a partially chipped horn pointed at us in was undoubtedly a threatening fashion.
“Who dares disturbs the eternal rest of Queen Akhal-Teke, last of the great Mareyans?” She rasped, her voice obviously having been unused for centuries. I’m not particularly used to conversing with long dead royalty, so luckily Cold decided to speak up.
“W-we were simply passing through, your majesty.” She said, obviously terrified. I simply nodded rapidly, and I heard Gryphos doing the same. The zombified Alicorn chuckled at what I’m sure was a very humorous and pathetic sight. I felt my head stop moving, held in the grip of some invisible force, which I assumed was her magic.
“Do you really think you can fool me? I recognize this one’s form. You are obviously disciples, here to free your master. I suppose I should congratulate you for getting here, but you can celebrate your minor success in the void.” She said, her voice progressively becoming more menacing. I felt my head released from her grip, only to see her horn glowing, obviously building some sort of power.
“DUCK!” I shouted, just as I felt a large bolt of pure magic give me an unwelcome haircut. I turned to my companions to see that they luckily still had their heads on their shoulders. I pointed towards the staircase, and started moving. Cold and Gryph got the gist, and started running toward the stairs as well. We continued running down the stairs to the tune of massive blasts of magic over our heads, slamming into the column as she somehow flew in circles around us on her badly decomposed wings, strafing us like some sort of dive bomber. We had reached the bottom of the stairs when I had a series of brilliant ideas. “Gryph, get in the air and push her down toward us!” He looked confused for a moment, before a blast of arcane might slammed into the stone next to his head, and he flew off to complete his task. I turned to Cold and pointed to the floor in front of our little piece of cover, “Freeze the floor over there. I’m pretty sure that’s where she is going to crash.” She nodded and lit up her horn, shooting out a burst of blue light toward the floor, covering it in a shining sheet of ice. As I stood to enact my part of the plan, I heard an avian screech followed by the distinctive sound of a gust of air. I watched as the undead Alicorn was violently pushed toward the frozen ground. She collided with a crunch, the brittle bones holing her legs together crumbling under the stress of the harsh landing. The queen attempted to rise up, but her mangled legs and the ice worked in tandem to stop her. I slowly walked toward her, an aura of heat melting the ice under my feet so I wouldn’t look like an idiot.
“Any last words, your majesty?” I said sarcastically, still angry about my surprise hairdo that made me look like a slightly younger Colin Mochrie. She looked up to me, the flames that were her eyes dim.
“I know not why you wish to free your master, but I urge you to reconsider. It would cause naught but pain and chaos to all” She said, her voice almost pleading.
“I still have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, raising my hand to her face slowly. “But I’ll keep that in mind.” I finished, shooting a lance of fire into her head, incinerating most of her face. I stood and stepped back. “I think I saw a door back at the top of the column.” I said, and we walked back to the stairs together in silence.
When we reached the top, I saw the door, a similar type of material to the door that lead to the crypt. I also saw the urn from before, completely intact and undamaged despite the magic missiles that had been flying about. I carefully walked over to the clay construct, wondering just what would warrant such a guard.
“Hold up Al. After all that, the warnings, the boss fight, the manecut, you still want to open some enchanted urn that was guarded by a malevolent Alicorn zombie?” Gryphos asked from beside me.
“It’s called a haircut, and yep.” I responded simply, slowly moving my hands to lift the lid of the urn. As I grabbed the edges of the lid and lifted slowly, I was shoved onto my ass again as the lid shot into the air and a cloud of white mist shot up, then landed in front of me, slowly solidifying into a the shape of a woman. A human woman. Needless to say, I was a little surprised. Stranger still, she materialized wearing jeans and a black t-shirt (much to my hidden disappointment), which didn’t strike me as the attire of some sort of evil spirit. She looked from me, to my companions, and back again, before settling on me. She grinned widely and stuck her hand out at me.
“Hiya!” She said in an extremely peppy voice. “My name’s Eris! Would you care for an apple?” She snapped the fingers of her other hand and a golden apple materialized in her outstretched hand. It took me a moment to connect her name to the apple, but when I did, I preformed one of the most majestic facepalms ever seen by any living being.
“WHAT IS MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE?”
At some point, I had curled up into a ball on the floor of the dungeon. My companions had tried to rouse me, but to no avail. Personally, when you meet a mythological deity, I think it is completely fair to break down for a bit, especially if you’re in hippy-dippy pastel horse land. I took a few more minutes on the ground, savoring the last bastion of sanity I would have for who knows how long, then shakily rose to my feet. I turned toward Eris, who for some reason was messing around with Gryphos’ wings, unintentionally (or maybe not) turning him into a blushing, drooling mess.
“Eris, could you please stop molesting Gryph for a second?” I asked, my voice tired from the concentrated stupid that had happened in the last few days. “I need to ask you a few questions, then you can go back to whatever it was you were doing, I guess.” Her head whipped around toward me, and started smiling.
“Go on ahead! By the way, did you know how soft the fur on a gryphon’s chest is? It’s amazing for hugging.” She said, in her already gratingly cheerful voice. I just sighed.
“Alright. Firstly, what are you gonna do now that you’re free from that pot?” I said, hoping she wouldn’t say what I think she would.
“Weeeeeell, I was kinda hoping I could go with you guys for a bit! I figure you could use my help, I sort of owe you for letting me out, and,” She looked at me with a sort of half-assed attempt at a seductive gaze “I’ve seen you staring at my assets.” She finished, looking quite smug. I’m pretty sure I was blushing, while simultaneously cursing Murphy’s Law.
“I guess that’s fine by me, those powers, or magic, or whatever you did would definitely be a huge help. Secondly, are you Eris, or Strife?” I asked, calling upon my rudimentary knowledge of Greek mythos.
“I assure you,” She said firmly, black feathered wings growing from her back “I am Eris, not Strife. While I am the goddess of discord, I have birthed no children, unlike Strife. He simply operated under the same name.” By the time she had finished, I could tell she wasn’t very happy at the comparison.
“Sorry for bringing up a sore subject, but I needed to be sure. I would far rather have the Eris who is kind to men traveling with me, than the mother of murder, betrayal, and false oaths. I simply wanted to be sure. Anyway, if you want to come with us, I suppose you can. I’m not going to lie, it’ll be nice to have someone who at least looks and thinks somewhat like a human to come along.” I said, looking as apologetic as I could, given my current state. She seemed to calm down a bit, her wings slowly retreating behind her.
“It’s fine. I just don’t like being compared to Strife is all. What I do is mostly harmless, and the harmful things are to those who would attack those under my protection. Strife causes problem because he thinks it’s funny. I do because it is needed. When too much order compounds, you get boring nanny states and big brother and the like. I keep the balance, as is my job. I also protect mortals where I can, because frankly it makes my job and life easier to have companions rather than slaves.” She said, before walking toward the ramp that lead down the pillar. “Come on then, there’s a door behind the pillar, and time waits for no one except me.” She said, once again cheerful.
I spent the entire walk back to town contemplating her strange reference.
Our arrival in town was heralded by a large group of townsfolk surrounding our little congregation. I honestly couldn’t hear what was being said, though from what I could understand it seemed to be mostly praise for our work in saving the town during the fire. Suddenly, the crowd seemed to quiet, then started parting, starting at the outer rim until it reached us. The mayor had walked up to us, and it seemed he was about to give us a little speech of sorts. As he looked up at me, since I was a good foot and a half or so taller than him, he looked a bit surprised to see the waving Eris standing next to me. Like any good politician, however, he quickly recovered.
“On behalf of the town of Maresden,” He started, taking an almost regal posture “I, Mayor Brownhoof, do thank you,” He did a little rolling motion with his hoof, making it clear he didn’t know my name.
“Albert, but you can just call me Al.” I said, and he moved on down the line, going to Cold, then to Gryphos. He then pulled, from literally nowhere, 3 medallions that he presented to us.
“These medallions show you are champions of this town. If you show them to any innkeeper, you should be able to gain lodging. Having one also demonstrates your bravery, courage, and honor to anyone who would doubt. They also look great on resumes.” He said, causing me, causing me to chuckle. Then he returned to his serious look. “This town owes you three a debt. Simply ask, and we will do what we can to help you.”
“I’ll hold you too it.” I said in what was hopefully a somewhat humorous voice. I then put out my hand, and after an awkward few seconds, he met it with his hoof. There was much cheering to be had, and then the crowd dispersed. I looked to my companions, who were just as surprised and tired looking as me. “Alright, let’s just go back to the inn. We’ll need our sleep if we want to make it to Ponytown or whatever by nightfall tomorrow.” I said, walking toward the tallest building in town.
“It’s Ponyville, but yes, you’re right. It’ll be a long walk, and I’m not sure if the ponies there will be as willing to accept you if you aren’t saving the town.” Cold said. I nodded, not having thought of that somewhat sad fact.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, after all this is the empire and tolerance after all!” Eris said, still chipper. “All humor aside though, I sense something strangely familiar coming from the general area of that town. It seems there are 2 large sources of magic in that general area. I’m sure whatever they are, it’ll be an interesting experience.”
On that ominous note, we retired for the night.
I woke up early the next morning to find myself coiled around and almost cuddling something in my bed. Upon closer inspection, and by that I mean opening my eyes, I realized it wasn’t so much a something as it was, in fact, a someone. It seemed I was spooning Eris, the immortal goddess of trickery and being.
“It’s too god damn early for this.” I mumbled, uncoupling myself from the surprisingly cuddly goddess and rolling off the bed. I yelped in surprise as I actually fell off the side of the bed, like the true American hero I am. As I hit the ground, I heard a rustling on the bed, indicating that its other occupant had awoken too. I stood up, straightened my shirt in an attempt to look official, and looked over to Eris, who was stretching out on the bed in a similar manner to a cat. “Is there any particular reason I woke up spooning you?” I asked tiredly, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes. She looked toward me with an expression that was probably as exhausted looking as mine.
“When you spend thousands of years inside of a magic clay pot, one gets lonely. I simply wanted to not feel alone whilst I slept.” She said simply. I just shrugged.
“I had nothing wrong with it, but you could have just asked. Quite frankly, I thought it was kinda nice. You’re very cuddly for a goddess, you know.” I said, gathering my meager collection of belongings and putting them into my bag. As I turned back to Eris, I was somewhat surprised to see the x-thousand year old woman blushing like a young schoolgirl. It was pretty silly to see, really. “Alright, unless you have anything you need to grab, let’s go wake the others. We need to set out soon if we want to make good time, after all.” I said, motioning toward the door. She quickly stood up, and walked toward the door.
“Let’s go then! Wouldn’t want to keep our companions waiting, hmm?” She said, in her trademark abnormally cheerful voice, almost skipping out the door. I followed, grumbling something about morning people.
~~~
After a few minutes of waking people up, and purchasing a map from the innkeeper, we were all seated around a table, discussing the possible routes we could take over bowls of oatmeal (though it was more hot water than oats, frankly).
“We could go back down this trail, toward the fork from before.” Said Cold, gesturing to the trail we arrived from on the map.
“I dunno Freezie, maybe it would be faster to go this way.” I said, pointing toward a trail that went around the other edge of the forest. “It seems shorter, we would only need to cut though this small wooded area.” I added, now pointing at a small area next to the larger forest labeled ‘The Whitetail Woods’.
“I’d suggest flying over it, but that’s not an option. Why can’t we go through the forest? It’s the most direct route, so it would probably take the shortest amount of time.” Said Gryphos, tracing a line through the forest with one of his talons.
“We can’t do that, the Everfree Forest is way too dangerous!” Cold exclaimed, must to the annoyance of the rest of us. “Besides,” she said quietly, as if trying to tell some particularly juicy piece of gossip “I hear the forest grows on its own. Even the weather controls itself!” I looked to Eris, who looked to Gryphos, who looked to me. We all started laughing, much to the confusion of Cold Snap. She tilted her head at me in that adorably questioning way.
“T-that’s how it works everywhere else!” I said between laughs, as her eyes widened in realization, then quickly narrowed in indignation.
“Well how was I supposed to know?” She said, pouting. I looked toward her with my best ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ face at the ready.
“When you were telling me about how Equestria worked, I told you about my world too. That was literally the first thing I told you.” I said, calming down from my little fit. She just scrunched up her muzzle and crossed her forelegs, mumbling angrily. I chuckled at the unintentionally adorable scene, before looking back at the map.
“Well, the forest must be dangerous for a reason. I assume it has animals that are rather dangerous, so I think we should take either of the two paths around it.” I said, motioning to the aforementioned paths. The rest nodded in agreement, with the exception of Cold, who was still angry. I rolled up the map, and after a quick gear check, we set off with high spirits.
~
“Are we there yet?” asked Eris for what must’ve been the four hundredth time.
“Eris, you’re the one leading us through the forest. You are literally the only one who will know if we’re there yet.” I said, silently contemplating suicide for what would probably not the last time. We had been walking for what had probably been hours, and very little in the way of eventful had happened. I figure the lack of interference from the native fauna was due to our group size. That, or they could feel the formidable amounts of raw magical power exuding from our group goddess. Our group knew very little of what lay in this forest, honestly. Eris had said that when she was free and roaming, from what she remembered, everywhere was like this. As for Gryphos, he had grown up in the mountains of Gryphonia until he learned he could magic, and even when he did move to Equestria, he stayed mostly in Maresden for reasons he refused to reveal. This distinct lack of knowledge bothered me, as we knew nothing about our destination, other than Eris’ cryptic revelation about Ponyville the other day.
After about another hour of walking, we reached what looked like the ruins of a once majestic castle, surrounded by a ravine. It had probably at one time been on par with the castle of a Disney princess, but now it was like a ruin in the Welsh countryside. When I inquired to Eris about the castle, she responded with a simple shrug, which I took as it being after her time. We gave it a wide berth, but I made sure to remember the path for later, in case we needed shelter or something to do. As we continued down our little game trail, we soon hit a clearing that was connected to a much wider path. On one side of the clearing, I spied a rather peculiar hut. It reminded me of that generic tribal hut you see in the Africa specials on the Discovery Channel. There was no light coming from the hut, a clear indicator that no one was home. Regardless of this observation, we gave it a wide berth, walking as quietly as possible. When we reached the path, I sped up so I could be walking alongside Eris for the moment.
“Hey Eris, about how close would you say we are to town?” I asked, out of both genuine curiosity and boredom from the mostly silent hike.
“I’m not sure, honestly. I was just moving in the direction of the power sources.” She said, then suddenly stopped, causing Gryphos to run into me. “Wait.” She whispered just loud enough for us to hear, raising her hands as if reaching out to something invisible. She suddenly stopped and turned toward us. “The power sources are moving toward us. I used what I suppose you could call a magical radar to ping their magic, and they are about half a mile ahead of us on this trail. One of the magical signatures feel familiar, to say the least. In any case, I doubt whatever they are intend to chat.” She said, getting into a combat stance. I fell into stance as well, as Gryph limbered his wings and Cold stretched her legs.
“Alright, I’ve got a plan. I’ll stand out here, looking somewhat weak, while you guys hide in the tree line. If they attack, you guys swoop in and ambush them, if not, you can step out when I give the signal. You’ll know it when you hear it. Sound good?” I asked, moving to the center of the trail.
“Not really. They’ll see right through it, I’m sure.” Said Gryphos, looking less than impressed by my tactical genius.
“Well, do you have any better ideas?” I asked, meeting his gaze with my own. He raised a talon, as if to make a point, then lowered it, looking somewhat sheepish. “That’s what I thought. Get ready then, I’m sure this’ll be interesting.” By the time they were adequately camouflaged, I could hear the voices of our possible doom from just down the path.
A chilling rendition of an old folk song played quietly in the background, keeping the sort of mood one would expect of the Magi of old. I paced between the bookshelves lining the walls of my tower, looking for a particular tome in the large collection. After a what felt like years, but was more likely minutes, I found the book in question. Said book just so happened to be my journal of tests, a few of which were rituals of immense power (that I could never preform, being that I am mortal, but still) or just that spell I made that one time to summon a small rabbit so long as I had in my possession a top hat. The one I was looking for was a modified marking rune, which one would use to maerk a spot to teleport to from long distances instead of doing something like chain-blinking, which is very trying on a magi's mana.
