Twilight's Conundrum (and other tales)

ENT. TRIXIE, stage left.

TRIXIE: HOLY CUNTING DICKSHITS, I’M FUCKING HUNGRY.

ENT. TREE, stage right.

TREE: EY YO, SUP TRIX?!?!?

TRIXIE: OH SHIT GODDAMN, IT’S A TALKING TREE OR SOME SHIT!

Trixie puts on her robe and wizard’s cap.

TRIXIE: IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA’S CURLY PUBES, I SHALL ORALLY IMBIBE YOUR CONIFEROUS TREASURES!

TREE:(to audience) OH SHIT, DIS BITCH BE TRIPPIN, YO! BITCH THINKS SHE’S GONNA EAT MY MUTHAFUCKIN’ PINE CONES? FUCK NO. NO, BRO. NO.

The tree soils itself.

TRIXIE: HOW DARE YOU SOIL YOURSELF IN MY PRESENCE?! YOU ARE A FILTHY, FILTHY TREE AND YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!

A lambent purple glow encompasses the blue unicorn mare’s horn as she summons her demon magic. She casts her spell. The tree grows EXACTLY - FUCKING EXACTLY - fourteen and ¾ tree penises.

TREE: OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, YO? I GOT TREE DICKS!

TRIXIE: GODDAMN RIGHT YOU GOT TREE DICKS, MOTHERFUCKER!

TREE: THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS SHIT, TRIX?!?!

TRIXIE: I want you to fuck that Maple tree.

ENT. MAPLE, stage right.

MAPLE: FILL MY FILTHY TREE HOLES WITH YOUR TREE DICKS!

Trixie teleports over to the tree, snatching up three or four pine cones. She stuffs them greedily into her mouth, moaning in ectasy.

TRIXIE:(mouth full) OSHIT, TFFESE PFFINECONEFS RR GUD.

TREE: MAPLE, WAIT! I’M NOT READY FOR A FULL TIME RELATIONSHIP!

MAPLE: PINE, YOU BE TRIPPIN’! I JUST WANT YOUR KNOBBY WOOD INSIDE OF ME! DO IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY!

The tree is miffed.

TREE: WELL, YOU FUCKING ASKED FOR IT!

The pine tree mounts the maple tree, its 14 and ¾ tree dicks undulating and twisting madly as Ray Charles impassively looks onward.

MAPLE: OH SHIT THIS IS PROBABLY GOOD OR SOME SHIT, I DON’T KNOW, I’M A FUCKING TREE!

TREE: WAIT, WE’RE TREES?!

TRIXIE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING MAPLE BARE-BARK!

THAT WAS THE WORST PUN EVER, BRB GONNA GO DROWN MY SORROWS IN A TUB OF ICE CREAM