Lyra & Sasquatch

Nopony knew how he had done it, but Sasquatch tied up Twilight and Spike with rope. Now it was question of what he was going to do with them. The throng of ponies formed outside of the treehouse, so Sasquatch had to lay low. He searched the living for any object he could use to scare away the mob.

“Mister Monster,” Spike said, “You’re not going to eat us, are you?” Sasquatch answered by roaring, and returned to find some tools. The little dragon was shaking in his scaly body. “I never thought I would be a monster’s hostage,” he said.

“Calm down, Spike. We’ll get out this,” Twilight said, “just like we always do.”

“I hope so.”

Sasquatch looked all over the house for something he could use against the ponies, but he had not found a single thing. All he found were books, books, and more books. He grew frustrated once more, and cried an angry snarl.

“Monster!” a voiced yelled from outside. “This is the Ponyville Police! Set the hostages free, and we’ll go easy on you!” Sasquatch opened the door and shook his fists, then slammed it again. He realized he was in a real pickle of a situation. Conflicted of what to do, he ran upstairs.

“Twilight, can’t you use your magic to stop him,” Spike asked.

“I could…”

“Why won’t you do it now?”

“I don’t know. I want to see where this goes.”

“I hope Twilight and Spike are okay in there!” Pinkie said. As time went by, the crowd grew larger and larger, some of them were chanting for Sasquatch to come out. Many held picket signs that presented their opinions.

“This is all my fault,” Lyra said. “I never should have let him out in the backyard if this was going to happen.”

“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked.

“The monster… he’s my cou… ah screw it! I found him in the forest this morning while I was walking, kidnapped him and took him to my house!”

“What?!” everypony present shouted.

“It’s true! Now he’s terrorizing the town and keeping a pony hostage, all because of me!”

“Lyra, I know you’re some kind of an eccentric and what not, but what on earth made you wanna do somethin’ crazy - no, insane like this?” Applejack asked.

“I have no idea why I do these things, I just do them!”

“And if we stand here and talk about this any longer, that monster is going eat Twilight and Spike,” Rainbow said. “I don’t about you guys, but I’m going in there to kick his butt!”

“Hold on there, missy,” said the Cop. “You can’t go in there, we don’t what kind of weapons the creature armed himself with! For all we know he could be carrying some kind of rock throwing device!”

“Seriously?” Rainbow asked sarcastically, “A rock throwing device?”

“Rocks can do serious damage to property! We must be cautious!”

Meanwhile, Sasquatch was standing by a window, looking out all the ponies who gathered to see the so-called hostage situation. I let himself be seen, he thought to himself, if he had any thoughts. He looked through the window again. Those were some angry ponies outside. He snarled and growled when he brought his eyes toward the little purple dragon.

“Uh-oh,” Spike said. Sasquatch ran to Spike and untied him. Then he dragged him to a desk that had a piece of parchment and an ink quill, and forced him to sit down. “Please, I’ll do anything you want, just don’t hurt me!” Spike pleaded. Sasquatch let out a low “Grrrrrggggh,” in response. “Twilight, help me!” Spike whispered.

“Hang in there, Spike. He doesn’t look very intelligent, so you should be okay.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better in the slightest.” Sasquatch yelled at him again, and pointed to the piece of parchment on the desk. “You want me to do what?” Irritated, he pushed the dragon out of the chair and drew symbols on the parchment.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “We have to help them! Officer, what does it look like in there?”

“I’m not sure. The house is so small and far away, I can’t even get a good look at it.”

“That’s because you have the binoculars on the wrong side!”

Officer Cop realized his mistake and turned the binoculars on the right side. “Oh, much better!” he said. “I don’t see any movements, so probably the monster is dead, the hostages are dead, or they’re all dead.”

“How could you say somethin’ like that?” Applejack asked horrifically.

“Hey, it was just an educated guess!”

The door opened slowly, and the mob of ponies drew into silence. Spike the Dragon emerged from the other side, a piece of parchment in his claws. He was trembling and sweating. “Hi Spike!” Pinkie yelled.

“Um… Uh,” Spike stammered. “I have a list of a few demands the monster wants.”

“A list of demands,” Officer Cop said. “A classic cliche of hostage situations. Proceed, young lad. What does the monster want?” he asked through the megaphone.

“Well, um… I can’t really make any of this out, because he drew it himself, but I’ll try my best,” Spike said. He cleared his throat and tried to read the symbols. “This thing right here, it looks like a bush that’s on fire and something that’s supposed to say “oooooo” at the top, like a ghost. I don’t know what it means, but it seems important to the monster. And this other thing, looks like a stick figure, with a yellow triangle on its back… not exactly on his back, but it’s drawn all over him - what is this thing?”

“Spike, that’s obviously a jetpack,” Twilight said from inside the house.

“Yeah, right, a jetpack… if that is even possible. And there’s also a huge orange circle with smaller red circles all over it… uh, monster what is this?”

“Ugh! Uggh!”

“Sorry, it’s a pepperoni pizza! A pepperoni pizza is what he wants! I don’t know, that’s what he drew!”

“How could you not know that was a pizza?” Twilight said again.

“I’m sorry! I’ve never been a hostage before! Jeez… and this last thing is an oval, but it was smaller brown circles inside the oval. The monster labelled it as… “yumyum…” what?”

“Wait, yumyum?” Lyra said to herself. She looked down and realized that all this time she was still carrying the cookie jar with her.

“Those are a weird list of demands,” Officer Cop commented. “The spooky burning bush is a bit of a stretch, only three ponies in the world own working jetpacks, and it’s going to take 20 minutes to make a pizza!”

“Officer!” Lyra said. “The oval with the little circles that says “yumyum!” It’s the cookie jar!”

“But we do have a cookie jar! Does the monster want any cookies?” Officer Cop asked.

“Tell him they’re homemade and freshly baked,” Lyra added.

“They’re homemade and freshly baked! Those sound delicious, may I have one?”

“Do you want any cookies?” Spike asked the monster. “They said they’re homemade and freshly baked.”

“... Ugh.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Ugh.”

“He said yes! I think!”

“Wish me luck,” Lyra told the other girls.

“You don’t need us to go in there with ya,” Applejack asked. “He sure looks dangerous.”

“I think I can handle this.” Lyra crossed the line that separated the crowd from the treehouse, advancing slowly toward the midst of the hostage situation. She saw a frightened looking Spike standing in front of the doorway. Lyra held the cookie jar as sign of “peace.”

“Lyra? What are you doing here?” Spike asked.

“It’s a long story, I’ll explain later. Let me in, please.” Spike moved out of the way so Lyra can enter the house. She saw Twilight Sparkle tied to a chair and Sasquatch waiting in the corner, not to mention books were lying on the floor. “Twilight, are you okay?”

“Oh yeah. Can you believe it, I’m actually in a hostage situation! This is so riveting, and it would be great for my next progress report to Princess Celestia!”

“... Okay,” was Lyra’s only response. She put the cookie jar on the floor and made a cookie float in midair. “Sasquatch? Look what I got for you,” she softly said. “Look. A cookie. Yumyum.” Sasquatch took baby steps to the minty-green unicorn holding the cookie with magic. “Chocolate chip, your favorite. Mmm, mmm.” Sasquatch was closer to his prize. He opened his palms and Lyra dropped the cookie into his grasp. He consumed it in one bite, crumbs falling from his mouth. “You want another?” He reached out his hand for more. “I’ll give you another, if you let them go.” She pointed to Twilight Sparkle and Spike, who was in a fetal position under a desk.

“Ugh?”

“Yes. Let them go, get out of the house, and I’ll give you another cookie. Once we’re back home, I’ll give you as many cookies as you like.”

Sasquatch scratched his furry head with his index finger. He refused to set the hostages free, but he also did not want to give up the chance of free chocolate chip cookies. As painful as it was, he had to comply to the orders of the unicorn who kidnapped him and offered him treats at the same time. He approached Twilight and unbound her.

“You know, you could’ve set yourself and Spike free the whole time,” Lyra said.

“I know, I chose not to.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Lyra rolled her eyes and returned to Sasquatch. “Okay, now follow me outside. I promise nopony is going to hurt you,” she said softly. Sasquatch was nervous, seeing all those angry eyes staring at him, but since Lyra told him nothing will happen, he decided to believe her. She led the beast outside, which resulted in the collective gasp of the crowd. Spike and Twilight was right behind the two, miraculously unharmed.

“Citizens of Ponyville!” Lyra announced. “I bring to you Sasquatch, the Big Hairy Monster… Thing! I was the one that took him away from his home in the forest and brought him to civilized society! Yes, he has destroyed most of the town! Yes, he terrorized stallions, mares, and foals, but find it your hearts to forgive him, oh townsponies, for he does not know what he is doing! For in Sasquatch, not only have a found a strange, but unique creature, but I have also found a friend… and as we all know, friendship is magic!”

“... Nice try, but that’s not going to work,” Officer Cop said. “Arrest him!” An army of police officers dog piled on Sasquatch, beating him with batons. With his mighty strength, Sasquatch pushed the ponies off of him, and roared so loud, it could awaken the sleeping ponies the next town over. The townsponies once again ran for the their lives, and Sasquatch was going to begin his new rampage on the town.

Then lightning struck him.

Sasquatch was lying face down on the ground, his brown fur now coal black and smokey from the fierce lightning strike, seemingly unconscious at the moment. Everything and everypony was struck with dead silence.

“Did it work?” a voice called out from above. Everypony lift their heads high to see Rainbow Dash standing on a cloud.

“Rainbow Dash, how could you?!” Lyra yelled.

“Hey, the monster was going crazy! I had to do something!”

Sasquatch did not know where he was. All he knew that he was standing above a white desolate landscape under the stars. He remembered being struck by the evil lightning bolt, but he got here was a mystery to himself. Sasquatch rubbed his head, which still felt painful after the whole ordeal.

“Whoa there, son,” a deep voice said. “You look like you took a hit there.” Sasquatch looked around the land to find where the voice was coming from. “He’s right,” another voice said, “you should sit down, and think things over.” Now he grew nervous. Sasquatch was ready to attack whoever was talking to him.

“Relax son, we ain’t going to hurt you.”

Sasquatch turned around and saw two giants standing over him. Just like himself, the two titans were standing on two legs. The first giant was wearing a blue militaristic coat and was wearing some kind of strange wig. The second giant was dressed in black, had a nicely shaven beard, and a tall black hat.

“I’m guessing you are wondering who we are,” the first giant remarked. “My name is George Washington, and this my good friend Abraham Lincoln.” Lincoln gave Sasquatch a tip of his hat as a friendly gesture. “The two of us have been leaders of a nation called the United States of America, which is located in another dimension, but we’ll have more time to talk about that later.”

“Right now, we want to talk about your situation,” said Abe Lincoln. “Sasquatch, you are about to embark on an incredible journey with sentient and intelligent beings. You have to realize the gravity of this momentous event. You are a one of a kind fellow with so much opportunity.”

“He is right, you know,” Washington commented. “The species you are interacting with have so much to offer you. It will be a shame if you back out now.”

Former President Lincoln bent down on one knee and put his hand on Sasquatch’s shoulder. “Listen kid, I know how it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. I was the only boy in my class who had a full grown beard, but what you have to do is to put all of your feelings aside and believe in yourself.”

Former President Washington knelt to Sasquatch’s level as well and said, “I led America during her fight for independence, he led America when she divided herself, we are sure you can survive among the ponies.”

The two former presidents stood up and returned to the dark side of the moon. Before they vanished, Lincoln turned back and said, “Show ‘em what you’re made of, kid! Give ‘em hell!” He winked. And he was gone.

A ray of light swiped Sasquatch from the surface of the moon, and he was forcibly tossed across the vast reaches of space. His screams echoed throughout the galaxy. He was travelling at such a tremendous speed that he was beginning to see bright color flashing before his eyes. Then there was a glorious explosion of white light…

“You think he’s dead?” Lyra asked. She and Pinkie, Twilight, and Rainbow were standing around a dungeon cell, watching Sasquatch who was in unconsciousness, his hands and legs in chains that were connected to the wall.

“Just in case he wakes up, I have my party cannon!” Pinkie said.

“I’ll give him a pounding or two if he wakes up,” Rainbow said. “That will teach him to attack us!”

“Sasquatch was not trying to attack you,” Lyra said defensively. “He was just confused, that’s all. This place is strange to him.”

“Then why did you take him away from his home where he belongs?” Rainbow asked again.

“Like I said, I don’t know why I do these things.”

“Well, this has been an exceptionally weird day,” Twilight commented.

The girls heard the doors to the dungeon open, revealing Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. The girls bowed in reverence, before continuing their discussion.

“My little ponies,” Celestia said, “I have been given news of a situation that happened in Ponyville today that involved that creature. What happened?” The girls turned their heads to Lyra. She gulped.

“Your Highness,” Lyra stammered. “... This morning, or more like a few weeks ago, I found this creature during my morning walks through the forest. Initially, I was frightened, but the more I visited him the more I started to like the way he looked… if that makes any sense.”

“I see,” Celestia remarked.

“I continued to visit him the following weeks, and this morning I, how you say, foalnapped him. I placed some chocolate on the ground that led to a trap and he took the bait. Then I took him to my house.”

“Go on…”

“Then one thing led to another, and he started attacking the town and scaring everypony, and Rainbow Dash struck him with lightning. But he wasn’t attacking Ponyville because he was evil. He was just scared and confused, and I want to show him how great life is here. Also, throughout the whole day, I felt some kind of bond with him, like he was my friend or something! Please don’t send him to the moon!”

“A bond you say?” Celestia asked. “You started to have feelings for the creature?”

“Of course! It’s like… Stockholm syndrome!”

“Lyra, Stockholm syndrome only happens to the victims,” Twilight said.

“Whatever. What I’m trying to say is please don’t punish him for something that was clearly my fault! Sasquatch didn’t mean to wreak havoc!”

“Sasquatch?” Luna asked.

“Yeah, I called him Sasquatch… I don’t know why. Look, please don’t punish him, he didn’t do anything wrong! It was me!” Princess Celestia took a peek inside the cell, and saw Sasquatch lying on his back, still unconscious. He looked dangerous, but given his circumstances, she did not believe a punishment was in order. In a weird way, Celestia felt sorry for him.

“What should we do about this matter, sister?” Luna asked.

“Lyra, you said that this beast was your friend, correct?” Celestia asked.

“It’s starting to look that way.”

“And you have felt a special bond with him?”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

“I was thinking…”

“Tell me she’s not,” Rainbow commented.

“Since Sasquatch and yourself have become friends, I will let him stay with you.”

“I knew it!” Rainbow yelled angrily.

“I can’t tell if this a good thing or a bad thing,” Pinkie said.

“Really?! You mean it?! Oh thank you, Princess! Thank you, thank you!”

“... Sister, may I talk to you in private,” Luna asked. Celestia agreed and the two princesses walked out into the hallway. The moon princess motioned for the guards to go into another room. When the hallway was empty, Luna faced her sister with her usual serious expression. “Ahem. Are you out of your freaking mind?!”

“Luna, what’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong! Letting that unstable monster walk around without a leash! We don’t know what kind of problems that thing has!”

“Luna, please be reasonable.”

“How can I be reasonable when you won’t be?! How can you let a young mare take care of a nine foot tall monster from the forest?! Things like that don’t just assimilate into society overnight, and you know it!”

“I believe this monster can learn our values, Luna, if given to the right hooves.”

“And you honestly believe Lyra of all ponies is the right hoof?! She’s insane! Her mind is empty! Believe me, I visited her dreams!”

“How dare you call others insane when you became a lunatic yourself?!”

“At least I had a good reason for why I went insane! Lyra is probably insane by choice!”

“You were always a stick in the mud, you know that Luna?!”

“You were always an arrogant fool, you know that Celestia?!”

“Wolves howl at you at night!”

“You give ponies sunburns!”

“Goth!”

“Hippie!”

The girls were standing around awkwardly, waiting for the Royal Sisters to finish their “discussion.” However, Lyra could not contain herself. Inwardly her soul was jovial. She kept her eyes on the still unconscious Sasquatch. “This is going to be awesome,” she said to herself.

“The princesses are sure taking a long time,” Twilight said.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Pinkie asked.

“It’s obvious they’re talking that Sasquatch guy,” Rainbow answered. “I heard the words ‘monster,’ and ‘creature,’ a few times.” They were silent when the doors to the dungeon flew open. Luna and Celestia walked a few inches away from each other. They never made eye contact. The princesses stood over Lyra, who bowed quickly, then trembled.

“Lyra,” Celestia said. “We agreed to let Sasquatch stay with you in Ponyville.” Lyra jumped for joy and sang her praises. She was so happy, she performed a cartwheel.

“However,” Luna said. “As with Twilight, you must write about the lessons of friendship you and Sasquatch happen to learn. And please, for goodness sake, keep him with you whenever you two go outside.”

“Oh yeah, I will,” Lyra said. “You can count on me!”

“Isn’t this exciting, Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said. “We can finally have a monster mash party!”

“Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,” Rainbow said sarcastically.

“And Twilight, you will help her compose the friendship letters, will you?” Celestia asked.

“Of course I will.”

“Good. Well, all is settled,” Celestia stated. “It’s time for you ponies to go home. You all have had a long day and need your rest.”

The metal chains inside the dungeon began to rattle. It was followed by a low growling sound. The ponies turned their attention to what was happening, and there was Sasquatch, wide awake. Lyra ran toward the metal bars like a schoolfilly.

“Hey Sasquatch, did you hear? You’re coming with me!”

“Rrrg?”

“Yep. We’re going to be best friends forever!”

Sasquatch fainted.