Lyra & Sasquatch

Yo Previously on Lyra & Sasquatch sho 'nuff!

Yo Lyra wuz walking in da forest when she seen uh big hairy monster, ya dig? Yo she kidnapped him and took him home, and she ganked him some gear but he began ta destroy the crib jus' like Orenthawl James! Yo he escaped and he rampaged through the hood and Lyra had to catch him! You know dat's right!

Yo she caught him but he became mad, you know wat I'm sayin' and Rainbow Dash hit him wif lightning! What chew thinkin' man? Yo Princess Celestia and Luna had a fight to see what to do wif him, and they agreed to let him stay in Ponyville, but he has to learn the value of friendship. Slap mah frol!

We now return to our story, so shut up and read! Or Imma bust a cap up yo butt!

Despite the small bandage that was covering his nose, Sasquatch felt the seething pain from Twilight’s magic book. If he had the chance he would have ripped the book to shreds and burn the remains, but it was too late. Soon he found himself walking outside again with Lyra, Twilight and Spike. He had not an idea of where they were taking him. Back to the forest perhaps? Sasquatch sure hoped so. Sadly, it was not so.

“So what’s our first stop?” asked Lyra.

“I was thinking that maybe we should teach Sasquatch some basic social skills,” said Twilight.

“How are we going to teach this him social skills?” asked Spike. “He can barely make complete sentences. And he throws stuff when he’s angry.” Sasquatch threw his fist on top of Spike’s head, which prompted Lyra to strengthen her grip on his leash.

“No! Bad Sasquatch!” she yelled. “No hitting!” Sasquatch growled under his teeth while Lyra glared at him. In the background the group heard gasps and screams around them. The last thing the residents of Ponyville wanting to see was a monster as big as them walking freely in their quiet town. Mothers snatched their children, store owners locked their doors, and dogs tried to bark the monster away. Sasquatch would not have any of it. He waved his arms and screeched like an angry gorilla. “Everypony, it’s okay! He’s with me!” Lyra called out.

“Why is that thing on a leash?” a stallion yelled. “You keeping it as a pet?”

“Are you crazy?” a mare yelled.

“You don’t have to worry about anything,” Lyra said. “I’m on an important mission to teach him the values of friendship! Before you know it, the monster you see before you will be a civilized member of society!”

The townsponies took a moment to consider the unicorn’s words. Their final verdict was to leave the streets deserted. A tumbleweed passed them a minute later. “So much for that,” Lyra commented. A deep bellowing snarling sound was audible to all ears.

“What is that?” Spike asked fearfully. “Another monster?”

“No, that’s just Sasquatch’s stomach,” Lyra said. “We hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. Isn’t that right, big guy?” Sasquatch rubbed his furry belly which made the gurgling sounds even louder.

“How about we all grab a bite to eat,” Twilight suggested.

“One question,” Spike said. “What do… Sasquatches eat?”

“I’ll have a hayburger with a side order of fries and a cola,” a pony ordered. The Burger Queen was a popular fast food restaurant chain in Equestria, and each day at lunch the place was always filled with hungry ponies, young and old. Twilight, Lyra, Spike, and Sasquatch chose this place as their destination for lunch.

“Hayburgers,” Lyra said. “The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.”

“But it’s lunch,” Spike said.

Sasquatch was not particularly enjoying himself in this new environment. The ponies who saw him from yesterday steered cleared from him, some of them even changing their order “to go.” Many of them left without having receiving their order. With one single movement made from Sasquatch, the entire restaurant was empty, save for the employees.

“Alright, we’re first in line,” Lyra exclaimed. The strange party walked up to the counter. A frightful employee emerged from under the counter, shivering and shifting his eyes, and sweating profoundly.

“M-may I help you?” he stammered.

“I’ll have the Monarch Burger, no pickles, no onions, extra cheese, and a cola,” Lyra said.

“I’ll have a Regular Hayburger with cheese, no pickles, no onions, with a diet cola,” Twilight said.

“I’ll take the cheese fries, with jalapenos,” Spike said, “and can you add some crystals on it.”

“What does Sasquatch want?” Twilight asked. Sasquatch’s curiosity lead him to pick up the cash register from the counter.

“Hey! You can’t touch that,” the employee yelled. Sasquatch growled furiously at him, and the employee hid under the counter again. Sasquatch pressed every single button on the register until money came falling out.

“Twilight, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Spike asked.

“Yes, but I think it’s funny,” she said. After being entertained, Twilight levitated the cash register back into the counter and placed the money in its right place. “I’m sorry about that sir,” she said. “Sasquatch will take a kids’ meal.”

“A kids’ meal?” Lyra said. “Twilight, look how big he is! It’s going to take more than a kids’ meal to fill his stomach!”

“You know what, here! Take all of it! It’s free!” the employee said. He gave each of them a bag full of goodies, then he jumped over the counter and ran out the door, screaming and running for his life.

“Cool, free food,” said Lyra. “Let’s get our grub on.” The party sat in a booth next to the window, which had the view of a moderately destroyed but semi-completed neighborhood. “You know, it’s really amazing that Sasquatch did all of this,” Lyra said, chewing through her food. “He’s like the Incredible Bulk or something.”

“I wouldn’t call it amazing, more like downright terrifying,” Spike commented. “He did tie us up and held us hostage, right Twilight?”

“He might be a monster, but I really find him fascinating for some reason,” Twilight said. She watched Sasquatch trying to figure out how eat this strange food. “For example, what are those things on his… hooves?”

“I think they’re called digits,” Lyra said. “It’s kind of like Spike’s claws, only they’re not sharp and scaly.”

“He’s unlike any monster I have ever seen before,” Twilight said. “It’s amazing how he can stand on two legs.”

“Don’t Minotaurs walk on two legs?” Spike asked.

“Everypony forgets about them for some reason,” said Lyra. “I think it’s prejudice.”

“It’s not prejudice, it’s just that we don’t really notice them that much,” Twilight explained.

“Yeah, prejudice.”

“Stop calling it prejudice, Lyra.”

“You know, I was thinking about something,” Spike said. “How come we don’t see any zebras here, besides Zecora?”

“Zebras live in a far away land, and it would take them a very long time to get here,” Twilight said.

“What about Zecora?”

“Maybe she was born here. I don’t know, she really doesn’t talk about herself that much.”

“Is Zecora that one Zebra that rhymes a lot?” Lyra asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“If she could, she could win every single rap battle.”

“I’m not sure about that, Lyra,” Twilight said. “Her style is more poetic and personal. I doubt she would want to enter a rap contest.”

“I don’t know about that, Twilight,” Spike said. “She is pretty good with words. She even found rhymes for words I didn’t know could rhyme together. Zecora should really write a book.”

Sasquatch took hold of the burger and took a single bite. Condiments spilled out of the sandwich, staining his brown fur, followed by an avalanche of pickles and onions. He wanted to throw the sandwich across the room, but he was so hungry he decided to eat it anyway. He’ll vent his rage into something else later.

“Enjoying that sandwich buddy?” Lyra asked.

“It’s really uncomfortable to eat in front of him,” Spike said.

“Hey Twilight, has your brother ever visited Ponyville before,” Lyra asked.

“I don’t remember if he ever has.”

“We should really get him and Cadence to visit here sometime, it’ll be fun.”

“We just have to get Sasquatch out of the way,” Spike mumbled.

Sasquatch continued to eat his messy burger, until he saw strange figures appear before him. The phantoms were standing over Twilight and Spike. His eyes widen with shock when he saw it was the same figures that met him on the moon. The Former Presidents of the United States, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were paying him an unexpected visit.

“Remember Sasquatch,” Washington said. “Don’t be afraid of challenges. Don’t be afraid of this new world. You have a great destiny ahead of you.”

“Sasquatch, you must go to the Dagobah System,” Lincoln said. “There you will meet Yoda, the Jedi master who has instructed me.”

“... Must you do that Abraham?” The phantoms returned to their own plane of existence. The frightened Sasquatch hooted and pointed at what had just occurred.

“He’s acting crazy again,” said Spike, “what’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know, he’s just doing what he does…”

When their bellies were filled, the party continued their mission to teach Sasquatch basic social skills. Sasquatch kept his eyes high just in case the two phantoms came back to haunt him again.

“He’s acting really strange,” Spike said. “What happened to the ferocious monster from yesterday?”

“He’s probably nervous that he’s about to meet other ponies,” Lyra said. “I don’t blame him. If I caused destruction to a town, only to have to be friends with them the next day, I’ll be pretty nervous too.”

“Who should we introduce to him first?” Spike asked. Twilight thought about the perfect candidates for Sasquatch’s first friendship lesson. Looking around she saw two familiar faces standing on an intersection. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stood under a stop sign, both wearing frowns on their faces.

“Hi girls,” Twilight said. “What are doing here?”

“We’re waiting for Sweetie Belle to come meet us, but she hasn’t arrived yet,” Apple Bloom answered.

“It’s the second time this happened,” Scootaloo added. “The first time we waited so long for her, we started to question the nature of the universe. We also saw a pony jump off a roof.”

“... Oh. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s on her way. I’d like you two to meet a friend of ours.” Twilight motioned for Lyra to bring Sasquatch over. The fillies backed away in fear when the tall beast came closer.

“Don’t worry, he’s not going to hurt you,” Lyra said. “His name is Sasquatch. He’s new here.”

“Isn’t that the monster that destroyed the town?” Scootaloo asked.

“He didn’t destroy the town. He was confused and reacted out of fear,” Lyra explained. “Besides, he’s on a leash.”

“I ain’t going near that thing,” Apple Bloom said. “He tried to eat Wynonna!”

“He doesn’t eat dogs, Apple Bloom. He eats a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, chocolate, and paper.”

“Yeah, right.”

While they were arguing, a familiar white filly ran to where Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were standing. “Sorry I’m late,” Sweetie Belle said. “My sister wanted me to try on these dresses she made and I…” she lost track when she took note of the tall, brown furry giant standing in front of her. “What is that thing?” she shrieked.

“It’s the monster that destroyed Ponyville,” Scootaloo answered.

“Oh no!”

“Girls, he didn’t destroy Ponyville,” said Lyra. “He had a normal reaction to a new environment.”

“Messing up buildings and scaring ponies ain’t a normal reaction,” Apple Bloom called out.

“He should be put inside a cage,” Scootaloo said. “Rainbow Dash did the right thing to strike it with lightning!”

“That’s not a nice thing to say,” Twilight said. “I know his appearance might be intimidating and he has not made a very good first impression, but give him a chance.”

“Why should we?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Because I know what it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. When I arrived here three years ago, I didn’t know how I was going to make friends here. Then I realized that friendship was the most powerful force in the universe. Who knows, by the time Sasquatch learns much about friendship, you girls might find a connection with him as Lyra did. So what do you say?”

“That ain’t going to cut it,” Apple Bloom said. “Come on, ya’ll. Let’s get out of here.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders dispersed and left Sasquatch to continue his gaze at the sky.

“I never knew kids could be so mean,” Lyra commented.

Bank robberies don’t normally happen in Ponyville. When they do, there are not successful. This was one of those times. Bon-Bon stood behind her booth and watched a would-be bank robber pathetically calling for everypony to place their money and other belongings inside a sock.

“Alright! Put the money in the bag! I said put it in! Attica!”

“Sir, may I help you,” Bon-Bon asked with boredom in her voice.

“You! Put everything you have in the bag!”

“Sir, that’s clearly a sock,” Bon-Bon replied. “May I help you with anything?”

“Um… I like to see what I have in my checking account.”

“I need to see some identification and your account number.” The bank robber gave Bon-Bon his information and she checked her computer. The bank waited patiently for Bon-Bon’s response. “Sir, you currently have zero dollars and zero bits in both your checking and savings.”

“Oh.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Have a nice a day.”

Meanwhile, in the throne room of the Royal Sisters, Princess Celestia lounged on her golden throne reading a novel. She had a meeting not too long ago with the Prince of the Griffon Kingdom. As always, the Prince was obnoxious and boastful, as was all Griffons. However, over the years he did managed to learn pony etiquette.

She was so immerse in her book that she did not noticed that another visitor came into the room. “Sister,” a familiar said. Celestia looked up and saw her young sister, Luna, standing before her with a serious look.

“What is it, Luna?”

“I want to talk to you about our discussion from the night before.”

“You mean the whole Sasquatch thing? Luna, I’m sure Twilight has everything under control.”

“That’s what I’m concerned about,” Luna said. “What if she doesn’t have everything under control? What if she looks away for one minute and the monster wreaks havoc again. Something like that should have never happened.”

Celestia closed her book and looked at Luna straight in the eyes. “Twilight is a smart pony, and is brilliant than anypony I have ever met. You can’t lose faith in her.”

“And what about that Lyra character,” Luna added. “I don’t trust her at all. I don’t think she knows what she is doing. By bringing that monster into our midst, she is putting herself and everypony around her in danger.”

“Not with Twilight monitoring them,” Celestia said.

“That monster is a menace to us all! And it’s going to take more than Twilight to realize that! You can’t seem to grasp what kind of danger you put our subjects in Celestia!”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that!”

“That’s the attitude I was talking about! If we really want our subjects to be safe, you have to take this matter seriously! That’s why I hired a professional.” Celestia was about to make a remark, but by Luna mentioning a “professional” had Celestia lost in her words.

“A professional?”

“Yes. Last night after you had that monster stay in Ponyville, I contacted a stallion who agreed to help us with watching over Ponyville. He should be here any minute to discuss the terms and conditions.”

“Who did you hire?” Celestia asked.

Her answer came when the doors to the throne room kicked opened. Standing at the entrance was a gray stallion with a black mane and tale. He was tall, thin, and wore a white collar shirt with a black suit jacket complete with a black necktie. His black shades concealed his eyes.

“Hello. Princess Celesita, Princess Luna. My name is Agent Nighthawk. I’m a member of the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation of Paranormal and Unexplained Phenomena. EBIPUP. How may I be of service to you?”

“Agent Nighthawk, I’m very glad you have arrived,” Luna saw. The two bowed to each other. “We have much to discuss.”

“... Where did you say you were from?” Celestia asked nervously.

“EBIPUP. We investigate strange activity that can’t be explained by neither science or magic - like alien abductions, ghosts, mutants, and stupidity.”

“... Stupidity?” Celestia asked again.

“It’s an epidemic we’re trying to cure. Sadly, we have found none. It’s spreading at a higher rate than we thought possible. I don’t think ponykind is going to survive.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Ha. Just a little government humor. Anyway, on to business. Princess Luna said that a monster is loose in Ponyville, correct?”

“Indeed. One of our more… eccentric subjects has managed to keep it as a pet,” Luna said. “My elder sister naively believes that the beast can easily assimilate into society, but I have my doubts. I want you to go to Ponyville and monitor every movement that monster makes.”

“Understood,” Nighthawk said. He took a small notepad and a pen. “What does this monster look like?”

“He’s at least twelve feet tall, with brown hair all over its body, and he stood upright on two legs,” Luna said.

“That is weird. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to keep my eye on this monster. That’s what the EBIPUP is for.”

“Is that all what the EBIPUP does?” Celestia asked.

“I’m not at liberty to reveal all of the contents my agency does, not even to other authority figures,” Nighthawk explain. “But for you, I’ll make an exception. Every once in a while, things happen that ponies can’t seem to rationalize in their own conventional way. Ponies want to know if their government has a response. The EBIPUP is that response. We are many, we are few. For all the amazing, the incredible, the fantastic, and the uncanny, there is always something beneath the surface.”

“That is… informative,” Celesita said, not sure of what to make of all of this. For her entire lifetime, she had never known an organization like this even existed. It was impossible for an organization like this to exist. Celestia dared not to dwell deep into this, but the more she did, she could not help but look suspiciously at her young sister. Was this organization Luna’s idea, she thought to herself.

“A private chariot to Ponyville is waiting for you on the west wing of the castle,” Luna said. “I put a protective spell on it to make sure you will not be seen.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. I appreciate you giving me this mission.” Nighthawk bowed to the Royal Sisters and made his way to the private chariot. Before he disappeared he turned back to Celestia. “Oh, one more thing,” he said to her. “We placed recording devices inside the home of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. They had an interesting discussion last night. I think they’re planning a coup.”

“What?” Celestia asked in shock.

“Ha. More government humor… but seriously, I would watch out for them if I were you.” Agent Nighthawk exited the throne room, leaving a satisfied Luna and a dumbfounded Celestia behind.

Agent Nighthawk was coming to town.