Author's Note

(What’s up bitches?! I’m back!!! And so’s the Juggernaut, today we hear Bolivar Trask get himself in some trouble when it turns out that Mr. Vericon would prefer to sentence people after a trial and not have punishment come before the crime, and the Juggernaut’s gonna beat the fuck outta some hippies while the Mane Six unite in Ponyville and a message is sent out to Princess Celestia. Also, did anyone like the cover?)

This is Gonna Hurt

Back on Earth, the honorable Mr. Vericon was talking to Bolivar Trask, the midget inventor of the Sentinels, giant robots designed…to hunt X-Men.
Yeah, he really, really hated those motherfuckers.
“For the last time mister Trask” the exasperated judge groaned as he heard the newest proposal from Trask “Advanced rehabilitation techniques or no, I am not having a court order to sentence the rest of the X-Men to this…other universe.”
Trask growled and stroked his mustache (which looked like it belonged in a seventies porno) “Why not? There’s already proof they have engaged in God knows how many depravities, they’ve never shown any signs of improving either.”
“Are you familiar with the term ‘Don’t do the punishment before the crime’?”
“Yes, and they have it coming anyways.”
The judge facepalmed, when Trask heard he’d used the device he’d donated to him on Beast, he’d visited the judge in his home, while he was watching Action Bastards no less, to try and sell him on this new scheme.
“Listen to me, you short little fuckbucket, I told you once, I told you twice, I am not going to banish the X-Men from this universe just because they smashed open your apartment, again! What the hell are these so called ‘Advanced rehabilitation techniques’ anyways?! I never even heard of them.”
Trask’s face grew a grin “Oh that, I hear that some leader of the people there had a sister who tried to end all life on the planet by causing the sun to never rise anywhere.”
“Who told you this?”
“Some pervert with a goat’s head and a body that looks like he came from a bad acid trip. It doesn’t matter, now anyways, he told me that the ruler punished her sister…by imprisoning her on the Moon for a thousand years.”
Mr. Vericon’s eyes widened “They what?!”
“She imprisoned her on the Moon for a thousand years. According to him, she reformed when she came out a year ago.”
The judge’s jaw dropped and he roared “I was trying to get him reformed! Not kill him!”
Bolivar Trask growled again “Well too bad for you. I guess if you won’t listen to reason…”
He pulled a remote out of his pocket “I’ll have to make the hard call for you!”
As he pressed the button, the beam shooting device, which was now in a briefcase that had levitated in, flew right out of the case and through the roof.
The judge was incredibly surprised “I can’t tell who’s worse, you or the X-Men.”
Trask then ran right out of the front door, while the judge pulled out his cell phone to call 911…

MEANWHILE BACK IN EQUESTRIA…
In the Everfree forest, there was a makeshift hut at the borders. It’s purpose? To hide the drug stash of some local hippies.
Inside it, there were two skinny stallions, one of which was currently smoking a hookah full of reefer fumes, he had long blond hair in his mane and had a brown coat with a joint as his Cutie Mark, the other pony was Flax Seed, who was currently smoking a joint the size of a large stick.
Behind them sat about fifty pounds of just about every drug you could imagine.
The joint pony (named Charley Two Smokes, who ironically enough wasn’t smoking a joint at this time) looked up at Flax “Hey dude…you ever wonder if earthquakes are snores?”
“Whoa…heavy!”
“Hey…could you get me a bottle of pizza?”
“Nah, I think I ate the last one.”
“What the fuck are you two motherfuckers talking ‘bout?!!!” Roared a voice outside.
Flax Seed suddenly leapt up in fright “Buck man! The fuzz is here!”
“The fuzz is the least of ‘yo problems, dickweed! Imma huff, anna puff, and Imma rip your Goddamn house off!”
Suddenly the house was lifted right out of the ground, exposing the junkies and their impressive stash before…the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch!...And Fox Fire, who was currently looking at the scene before him with a flabbergasted look.
“Yeah bitch! The Juggernaut’s here to use your motherfucking stash, then go fuck your momma in the ass, rewire your TV to pick up the Interplanetary Insanitarium and the All Zebra Wrestling Porn network, make a weed sandwich with everything in your fridge, and finally, Imma take a shit in your shitter and then refuse to flush!!!”
“He will do it” Fox Fire added, inching away from the Juggernaut until he was seven feet away “Trust me on that.”
“Like, wow!” Flax Seed exclaimed “A giant red dick, he’s even wearing a condom.”
The Juggernaut’s eyebrow twitched in anger, Fox Fire caught onto this and swiftly dived behind a tree, bellowing “He’s gonna blow!”
“You want me to make you pull a dirty Sanchez on your boy here?! I’m no dick, but I got a dick so strong it could break steel and could crush oregano pills. I once bitchsmacked a guy with it so hard I threw him across the fucking Hudson River! Motherfucker was Iron Man!”
“What’s an Iron Man?” Charley asked, about to suddenly find out just how violent the Juggernaut could really be.
“Lemmie show you how it feels like to fly!”
The Juggernaut quickly grabbed both horses and threw the two up into the air “Jabba the Hutt, hutt, hike beyotch!”
Fox Fire looked over at them with his jaw dropped “What the hay did you do that for?!”
“They disrespected the Juggernaut, Bitch! Your boy’s gotta keep his street cred up.”
“First off, what the buck is ‘street cred’? And secondly, you didn’t need to try and kill them, they didn’t even try to attack you.”
“Man, people don’t die when they get thrown by me. “
“How could…most the people you throw are like you aren’t they?”
“Nah, those X-Hoes are more like a bunch a fuckin’ losers.”
“No, I mean in terms of durability.”
“Like anal durability? I once fucked a bitch right through her earholes and she still wanted seconds!”
“…I stand corrected. And I really didn’t need to hear that.”
Fox Fire shifted nervously as the Juggernaut began to swagger over to the drug stash, pulling out a whole saltshaker full of cocaine “Uh, look. I got you here, the drugs are altogether like I asked. Now can I get the buck out of here?...This part of the woods is bat country.”
The Juggernaut unscrewed the saltshaker and shoved it right up his left nostril “The fuck you talkin’ about? I got enough drugs here to flip my motherfucking helmet and fuck a zebra through the ass! You don’t wanna try some of this shit?”
Fox Fire nodded no “I’m not into that kind of thing.”
The Juggernaut shrugged “Suit yourself, bitch. More for me!”
Fox Fire hurriedly trotted away, hearing the Juggernaut snort the whole shaker up his nose, cringing as he muttered “What has sci- I mean, what have I done?”
The alchemist began to book it, smartly trying to put as much distance between him and the about to get totally coked up Juggernaut as he could.
But before he could leave the forest he did hear Juggernaut bellow “Sold my soul to rock and roll, cuntsnuffers! Let’s go shit on a goose and snort jello up my ears!”
Be afraid, dear reader…be very, very, very afraid.

BACK IN PONYVILLE

Twilight Sparkle sighed with relief as she saw all five of her friends trot right up to the library.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders weren’t there, having been told to try and hide somewhere safe, though knowing them, they’d likely come back in an army tank or something.

~

“Wow Apple Bloom” Scootaloo said, gazing at the tank (located in a nearby dugout at the edge of the town) Apple Bloom had made under everyone’s noses “All this thing needs is an engine and it’ll be perfect to take on the Juggernaut.”
Applejack’s sister beamed with pride “Thank you kindly Scootaloo. You know where we can find one?”
“I think Smoke Stack has one…say, what’d you make it for anyways?”
Sweetie Belle trotted in with a small poster she’d drawn “This.”
Scootaloo looked at it, the poster depicted the CMC in the tank bulldozing Diamond Tiara’s home while she and Silver Spoon were running off in a frightful panic.
The caption for the poster read “Operation: Kick DT and SS’s flanks with kickflank action missiles.”
Don’t worry readers, the tank was made out of cardboard and wood anyways…plus they only wanted to demolish their house.

~

She shook her head and banished the thoughts that had went to the idea of the CMC showing up in a large tank with Rob Zombie music blaring as they tried to bomb the Juggernaut from quite a long ways away.
She turned to her friends and began to speak.
“Applejack” she said, addressing the cowpony due to her being the first of them to run into the Juggernaut “Apple Bloom told me about you and the Juggernaut, do you know anything that could help us?”
Applejack’s eyes squinted “Not much. He’s incredibly strong.”
“No surprise there” Rainbow Dash grumbled as she rubbed her sore belly, still a bit tender after Juggernaut pimpsmacked her.
“And it’s damned hard to even scratch him” she continued “I hit him with both hooves and sent him flying, but that didn’t even hurt him. If it weren’t for Apple Bloom and her friends, he’d have had his way with me!”
She shuddered at the thought of the Juggernaut’s disturbed fetishes, and Rainbow Dash crossed her hooves and growled to herself “That jackass even had the nerve to insult my house, tried to make moves on me too, claimed I was some kind of nerd-”
“Uh, sugarcube” Applejack interrupted “Did you identify him as a human?”
“What? What do you mean?!” Rainbow Dash muttered “I didn’t say anything about that.”
Applejack groaned “Rainbow, sometimes you’re even worse at lying than I am.”
“What lie? I didn’t lie.”
“Look, Rainbow Dash” Twilight groaned “Everypony knows that you like to read the Chronicles of Humanestria. It doesn’t make you a nerd, even Princess Celestia reads them and she’s not a nerd.”
“But she is a glutton” Rainbow Dash pointed out “I hear she loves to eat cake, a lot of it, and of all kinds.”
“…Well she isn’t a total glutton but yeah, I’ve seen the princess eat…a lot of cakes. But not as much as the rumors claim.”
“Then how much does she eat?”
“Well she doesn’t eat it by the ton, I’ll tell you that.
“And anyways, this is all off topic, somepony has to do something to stop this Juggernaut before it’s too late.”
The rest of the Mane Six (even Fluttershy) nodded in agreement Rarity was the next to speak “I just shudder to think of what this ruffian will do to every mare he can get his filthy hands on.”
“He sounds incredibly mean” Fluttershy agreed “He might try to hurt my animals too.”
“I’ve gotta pay him back for making me into a ping-pong ball!” Rainbow Dash growled, punching her forehoof into her other forehoof’s palm.
“I’ve even got plans to give him a flank kicking party!” Pinkie cheerfully exclaimed.
“She does, she told me all about it” Applejack added “I’m a bit skeptical on your plans to smack him with a cake full of anvils. But then again, it’s not as impossible as the time you froze that bonfire.”
“Applejack, I stopped questioning Pinkie’s ability to buck the laws of physics a long time ago. But regardless, I’m glad to see we’re all on the same page here. Somepony has to do something about the Juggernaut, so I propose we start by writing to Princess Celest-”
Her voice trailed off as she turned around and noticed her trusty assistant Spike was not next to her.
“Huh? Where’d Spike go?”
Her question was answered when she heard a toilet flush inside her treelibrary, which was followed about a minute later by Spike the young dragon coming out through the door, very much relieved from the sudden urge to have to take a crap.
“Oh man, that’s the last time I have all those diamond burritos in one sitting” he muttered, how did he know that consuming so many at once was going to cause him bowl problems later? And he didn’t even hear the little discussion about the Juggernaut that was going on outside, and he most certainly didn’t get why everypony was staring at him.
“What’s going on? Do I have a bit of emerald stuck in my teeth?” (That’s what you get for snacking on your way out young drake.)
“Spike” Twilight Sparkle began “Take-”
The young assistant’s eyes widened and he quickly turned around “Hang on Twilight! I forgot my stuff inside.”
As he dashed back into the house, the lavender unicorn groaned, at this rate the Juggernaut would hit the town before they send anything out.
In about a minute the drake ran right back out, now holding the blank scroll and a quill “Alright, I’m ready!”
Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat “Alright then Spike, take this down.
“Dear Princess Celestia, I regret to inform you that the town of Ponyville is in great danger. This large bipedal creature, which we believe to be a human, is stomping towards the town. He’s apparently incredibly horny and doesn’t seem to take no for an answer when refused, as two of my friends found out when he tried to beat the daylights out of them. Please send relief, preferably in the form of the army…though I have doubts that they’ll be able to stop him, so I’m afraid we may end up needing the Elements of Harmony. Regardless, please send something, because we don’t know how long it’ll be until he strikes. Signed, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike breathed out a sigh of relief, any more words and he wouldn’t be able to fit anything else, he’d already been trying his best to write it down as small as he could. He even got out some extra paper and scotch tape to add more stuff onto the paper if need be.
Carefully rolling the scroll up Spike took a deep breath and used his teleporting fire breath to make it fly off to Princess Celestia.
Twilight Sparkle sighed in relief, all she needed to do now was just waiting for her mentor to call back and she’d have some solution to her problem.
Rarity spoke up first “Well then, now that we’ve alerted the Princess to the news of an extremely rude, superstrong human bent on forcing himself on the whole planet, what do we do until then? I highly doubt I could get him to stop just by criticizing his foul mouth.”
Twilight tapped her hoof against her chin “True, until Princess Celestia tells us what to do, we just have to figure out some way to hold him off until she sends us some form of relief. Here’s what we do, Pink-”
“Excuse me” Fox Fire muttered as he hurriedly brushed past Twilight, a genuine look of worry in his eyes.
“Uh, Fox Fire, isn’t it?” Twilight began, noticing he was running to the library “I’m afraid the library’s closed for today.”
“I don’t give a buck!” He yelled out loudly, startling Fluttershy and Rarity “Don’t you know where we are?”
Twilight was a bit confused “Uh, we’re in Ponyville.”
“Wrong!” Fox Fire yelled out, looking left and right with shifty eyes “I can’t stop now…this is Juggernaut Country.”
The six mares and singular drake widened their eyes with one hundred percent pure surprise as they heard this, somehow the cat was out of the bag, although given how loud the Juggernaut bellowed his name earlier…
“Juggernaut, what-” Twilight began, only to look over at the stallion and notice he’d entered the building.
Suddenly, a crash was heard, and the sound of hundreds of books hitting the floor ensued too, in addition to cries of things like “Where the buck is it?!” “No, no no!” and “Appear! Celestiadamn you!”
The Mane Six galloped in, only to see that Fox Fire was tearing apart the library in a panicked rush, throwing books haphazardly around in search of something presumably very valuable.
“Fox Fire…what the hay are you doing?” Twilight asked, incredibly confused about his motives.
Suddenly, in what seemed to her like the blink of an eye, Fox Fire zipped right over to her, getting right in her face “Quiet! This is a time of emergency, and I need to ask, you’re Princess Celestia’s student, right?”
“Um…yes?”
“And you love to read books a lot, right? Love to read them so much you’d marry them if you could?”
“That’s one way to put it” Applejack chuckled.
“Well since you’re here, I need to ask you now. Where the buck is the Neighcronomicon?!”
Twilight blinked in confusion “The what?”
“You know, the Neighcronomicon, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it.”
Twilight thought deeply until she remembered the leather coated book Fox Fire was talking about “Oh that. Never read it, I never even had the chance to, Celestia doesn’t even have it anymore, she loaned it to some province in Saddle Arabia after a request for it came from a celebrated scholar.”
“What?! Well when’s it coming back?”
“Never. Later it was found the note was a forgery*, a very good one, so I think it might never be coming back.”
Fox Fire collapsed with shock and groaned “Motherbucking thieves! We’re dead meat now!”
Rarity shuddered, she’d heard about the Neighcronomicon, it sounded absolutely disturbing…for Celestia’s sake, it was bound in LEATHER! Horse leather! And who didn’t know about the army of the undead it made that Captain Hurricane himself had to deal with, “What would you want that…ghastly book for anyway?”
Fox Fire shook his head “Listen lady, do you have any idea what’s in the woods, I know Applejack does, and did she tell you about the Juggernaut?”
“She did! She did!” Pinkie Pie chirped “She told me first, and she told me about how he-”
“Good, good. That means I don’t have to bring you up to speed” Fox Fire said, hurriedly interrupting her “Well he ran into me at the Ponyville border and would have beaten the hay outta me if I didn’t direct him to a local drug stash owned by some hippies.
“And there’s more drugs there than I remember seeing the last time I went snooping through the woods. They’ve even got five pounds of bath salts.”
The Mane Six all slowly but surely began to realize how much shit they were in, Fluttershy’s jaw dropped first, followed shortly by Rarity’s, Twilight’s, Pinkie’s (whose jaw literally hit the floor), Applejack, and lastly, Rainbow Dash, though she tried to hide it as best as she could.
“And now it seems that the best tool to make sure the Juggernaut doesn’t buck Ponyville up is out of my hooves, and now I’ve gotta find a new solution.”
He was about to trot off through the door when Twilight spoke up “Wait, what do you know about-”
“Twilight Sparkle. If I were you I’d get you and your friends to try and figure out your own defense of this town. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re on your own I’m afraid.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going off to my lab, I’ll be gone a long time and I really don’t want to be disturbed unless you happen to be an Alicorn. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta get the buck outta here!”
Fox Fire’s eyes turned to a look of panic and he hurriedly bolted right out of the door, and before anypony could respond to him he was running off to his house to try and make a more ‘chemical’ solution in case the Juggernaut simply couldn’t be contained.
But he might need to prepare for the arrival of a pimp cane affectionato and a goddamn alien who claims he’s made outta Laffy Taffy…

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH…

“You little fuckin’ bitch! Give me the goddamn remote or I’ll fuck you up with my pimp cane!”
“Man, you have no idea who you’re fucking with, you see this stuff on the side’a my piece? It says Bad Motherfucker. Samuel L. Jackson gave it to me.”
“Man you didn’t even know Samuel L. Jackson.”
“What the fuck would you know?! You just fuck canes!”
This was the scene in the rented, currently trashed with fast food wrappers, pizza boxes, beer bottles and cans, apartment currently populated by the black suited mutant criminal Pimp Cane Padrino, and his occasional partner/occasional enemy, the Shi’Ar gangster who called himself Ketchup a, quote unquote ‘True Pimp’ who once stood up to the Juggernaut, and failed miserably…but at least he was able to talk Juggie out of the idea to “Kill him, rape him, and eat his fucking costume” which would have been a bad idea because his outfit was made out of condoms.
The two were currently high and arguing over what they wanted to watch on TV, said TV was stolen from the Kingpin, which was probably one of the stupidest things either of them have ever done.
As they continued arguing, suddenly, Trask’s flying ray-machine burst right through the wall…and their TV, ruining it forever.
“What the Hell’s that?!” Padrino muttered as he looked right at the machine, just as its barrel began to aim at them.
“It’s about to become a bunch’a shit that can’t even shit itself, that’s all I-”
Suddenly the machine blasted the two and then began to fly out to do the same to Ketchup’s Dodg- I mean spaceship.
If you thought just one Juggernaut is bad, wait until you see his co-thugs when they land in a place they think is filled with prostitute horses…

*And that’s how Mawa Sihr was able to get her hooves on the Neighcronomicon.