Where Am I Going, From Here?
By: The Zealot
Prologue: Skype Calls and Magic

“... Alright Zed, now just go down the ladders and then down the wheel elevator thing.” I spoke into my mic as I was murdering some mage faggot in the Archives, trying to get a friend of mine into Blighttown.

“OH SHIT! I fell.” Said friend called out, not seconds later. He really did seem to have this problem with ladders.

“How the hell do you keep falling? It’s not that fucking hard… you forgot to kill the flies again, didn’t you?” It was a bit sad it had gotten to the point where I could guess what had murderized him, but eh, that's Dark Souls for you.

“Uhm… Yeah.” He responded to my question, kinda pissed off that this was the fifth time he'd tried this.

“You should roll to intimidate gravity.” Came the voice of the third person in the Skype call, deciding to give us some random advice.

“Damnit Fluffy, that doesn’t work!” He didn't play Dark Souls, true, but even he know that you can't intimidate gravity, plus, there's no way to smoke dat herb in the game.

“You rolled a 1, in return gravity was furious about your rebuttal, and smacked you across the face, making you fall even faster.” He continued anyway, after the clattering of a die was heard, seems he was actually doing this.

“Suddenly, pineapples.” I decided to come in with, doing my best ASDF voice for it.

Suddenly, portals. Wait, what? I looked over to my side, where I had seen this bright flash of light to find… motherfucking rainbows, how do they work?

“So uh, I’m gonna have to go, see you guys at… time.” I said, almost certain my shock was carrying through my voice, can't really blame me though.

“What is it this time, Zealot?” Zed asked, like a normal person does when someone randomly says the have to leave.

“Damnit man, it’s not the time for hookers.” Fluffy also stated, like a non-normal person does when someone randomly says the have to leave.

“First of all, fuck you Fluffy, second of all, rainbow portals, twenty bucks it leads to Equestria.” I replied to both of them, because come on, where else would a fucking rainbow portal lead to?

“I’ll take that bet.” Came the voice of Zed, he always was one to take crazy ass bets

“I have a penny from WW2, that messes with your genetics.” Randomly came in Fluffy, again. I was kinda wondering how any of what he had just said made any sense, before remembering it was Fluffy.

“I’ll take that as well!” Zed said by way of reply, wonder what he would even do with a genetics-altering penny... I don't want to think about that, honestly.

“Uh huh, well, you two have fun. I’m gonna go grab some shit and then jump through the iffy as fuck magical portal that may or may not lead to death. Oh yeah, the call’s gonna drop.” Honestly, I wasn't too keen on jumping through suspicious portal leading to places, but eh, fuck it.

At that point I hit the hang up button in Skype and got up from my chair (Spinny chairs, the ULTIMATE chairs)

“Okay, so, going to Equestria… guess I better get some stuff.” I said to myself, looking down at the sound of Skype beeping I saw a message from Zed ‘Don’t forget your Zweihander.’ yeah, because I totally have one of those, asshole.

I walked over to my room on the other side of the house, pulled on some socks, boots, and pulled my coat off a shelf. A two hundred and fifteen dollar rifle frock coat, totally fucking worth it. As I pulled on the coat I thought to myself that I should really get a suit for wear with said coat, at the moment a Fender T-shirt and some jeans will have to do. le sigh. I grabbed my silver pocket watch from a dresser, it's chain trailing behind it, and as an afterthought, decided to bring along some white, silk dress gloves, classy as fuck and all that.

Walking back into my living room I grabbed my mp3 player and phone from their respective charges, along with a very nice, large, 12" Bowie knife and sheath off of my desk. What? I didn't expect any troubles in Equestria, but that was no reason to go there without any kind of defense, and what better defense than a Force Recon knife, eh?

“You know, I’m gonna NOT be an asshole to those I’m leaving behind.” I said, before walking next to the… fuck it, I’m calling it the rainbow portal, before walking next to the rainbow portal, taking a picture of it and myself, and then going through the process involved in making that picture my computer’s screensaver.

I also wrote a note: ‘So uh, magical portal to fuck knows where, see ya’ll in time, and tell my cousins that it worked and that they owe me money.’ That all done I took a breath, steeled my nerves, and jumped through the portal.

*****

[Back in the Skype call]

“Wait a second, how are we supposed to get our money?”

Author's Note

Sleep deprivation is the mother of invention, mothafuckas! So yeah, two days without sleep and it's ten at night, Skype calls are going on and I'm feeling random, so you guys get this! A self insert HiE, like ALL THE OTHERS IN THE WORLD!