Chapter 8: I Promise It's Not Illegal

Where Am I Going, From Here?
By; The Zealot
Chapter 8: I Promise It's Not Illegal

Alright, so maybe doing what I was after exposing a plot to take down Luna wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but that wasn't gonna stop me.

In case you're wondering, and I know you are, I was placing myself as the Princess of the Night. Basically, this meant redecorating the throne rooming, stealing some of Luna's jewelry, and sitting up on that throne like I owned the fucking place. I actually looked pretty good, according to one of the stallions who was helping me switch out all the flags.

So, all was going well so far, although sitting on this throne all royal and stoic like was kinda uncomfortable, but I was doing it anyway. Yep, all was well... well, until Celly came in. That being said, she was just kinda standing there looking like she didn't know what the fuck was going on. To be fair, neither did I, really.

"Hello Princess, how are you on this fine day?" I asked, using my calmest and most princess-ely voice, I like to think it was pretty good. Sunbutt was still just standing there, bewildered as fuck, so that's a good sign.

"Nevermore... why are you in my throne... and dressed up as my sister?" Tia asked, a little bit annoyed and a little bit shocked... I think? Why are you asking me? I can't read fucking ponies! But anyway.

"Well you see, dearest Celestia, Luna has relinquished her place of rule to me, as an apology for some of her previous actions. Now, I couldn't just turn down such an offer, could I?" I gotta say, Celly must have a lot of practice, because keeping this calm and collected voice with this calm and collected pose was really kinda hard as fuck.

"I-but- I'm going to have to go talk to Luna about this, I'm not quite sure you're telling the truth." Sunny replied, this kinda unbelieving frown on her face, it was also kinda disapproving, but hey, fuck 'er. So, I just gave her a nod and she walked back out of the room, while all the ponies who were helping me hang up stuff came out of wherever they were hiding.

"Is what you said true Ms.- I mean, your Majesty? About Princess Luna giving you here place." That was the question from some other stallion, who was now next to me.

"Not in the slightest my friend, not in the slightest." I just had the best smile on my face as I lifted my hoof for a high five, although it was more like a fist bump, it was still cool. "But hey, totally worth it and all that, right?" When I said that everyone in the room got this look of shame and scared-ness, maybe the thought they'd be arrested?

"Oh and uh, guys, don't worry, I promise none of this is illegal, yep, completely within the law, no need to worry." When I said that they all let out a collective sigh and started smiling again, did I ever tell you how sad they look when they're scared? Like really, it's just pitiful.

"Now! Back to work everyone! I want those flags hung by two, and get that window fucking covered, the sun hurts my eyes. Go!" it always surprises me how cool these ponies are with being ordered around, I guess because I seemed to be a figure of power they wanted to make sure they were doing right? I dunno.

[*****]

It always amazes me how good the fruit here is, like, seriously man. I guess it's because I'm in a magical world of no pollution and stuff, but these blueberries were just absolutely amazing, like, seriously. Some were tart, and others were sweet, and the ration of tart to sweet was just perfect. And this is coming from someone who doesn't often eat fruit!

Ah, but you know, it's just nice to take a break after hours and hours of idiots coming up to you and asking for you to solve problems for them or something, such is the life of a princess, even though I ain't one. Oh, yeah, nobody came in after Sunbutt left to accuse me of being a fraud, so, I was just kinda doing my job, I guess. It wasn't that hard, pretty much everything that someone came up to me with could be solved in about five minutes. Oh, and thankfully there was not one sighting of Blueblood! That's always a plus.

But yeah, I was just taking a small break, having a snack, letting my fake guards rest a bit, that armor did looks hot, and just generally relaxing. Well, I was. So, about the time I was moving on to a turkey sandwich I had made, because the kitchen staff still wanted me dead, the doors got busted open. I kinda feel insulted, that's my shtick, dammit.

"You are under arrest for impersonation of the crown! Come peacefully and we will not use force!" That was what one of these guards ponies shouted out across the room to me, he looked all fuckin' ready to 'take me down' and shit, it was just kinda hilarious.

So, what'd I do? I summoned up a pair of aviators, put 'em on, and then looked over the tops of them at the guy, he fucking shivered from the glare I was givin' him.

"How many times have I told you guys? You." I got up from the throne and started walking towards him, "Arrest." I said, my hoofsteps causing cracks to appear in the marble, "Me." I finished with a whisper, right in the guard's ear as I lifted him up from the ground, staring him right in the eyes. I kid you not, the guy was fuckin' crying.

So, I chucked the guy back at his friends, not hard or anything, and just stood there glaring. "Am I understood?" I looked back and forth between the four guys there, not giving them a moment to answer. "Good, now, get the fuck out." I growled, turning to walk back to my throne, upon which there was a very nice cushion that I intended to return to.

Before someone decided it was a good idea to chuck a shield at the back of my head. No, seriously, someone fucking did it. So, I turned back around, the best predator smile I could manage on my face as I looked around for who threw it. Ah, of course, the shieldless rookie was the suspect. I settled my gaze on him as my smile grew wider. "Now you fucked up."

[****]

Now, I won't describe in detail what happened, but basically, I charged the fucker, beat the living shit out of him, and the hung him up on the wall. Sure the palace staff was gonna have to scrub blood off marble, but it was totally fucking worth it. Did I mention that wall was right above my throne? No? Well, it was. Oh, did I also mention there was blood dripping down the wall and everyone in the room was kinda terrified as I just sat on my cushion, my hooves stained with blood? Yeah, that was a thing. Ah, good 'ol violence. Not ultra-violence, no, not yet.

Now, maybe I over reacted, maybe, but the fucker threw a shield at me. Anyway, not like he was gonna die of blood loss or anything, I made sure of that with my point an' click magic, oh hey, that rhymes! But annnnnnway, for some reason people didn't really wanna ask me to solve their problems anymore, wonder why? Oh well, gave me more time to eat this sandwich, still hadn't gotten to it due to those guys busting down my door.

Oh for fuck's sake. So, my door was busted down again. Goddammit, this is a throne room, you're supposed to be polite and knock! So, it was another group of guards, this time some of Sunbutt's, god, why do people always have to fuck with me when I'm trying to eat? You know what, no, fuck it.

"You are under arrest for-" I chucked a pillow at him. When he looked back at me and began to talk again I put up my hoof, grabbed my sandwich, and began eating it as slowly and angrily as I could, glaring at the guy as I did so. On the plus side, turkey and mustard was still delicious.

Once I was done I saw he was trying to talk again, this time I just held his jaw closed with my magic. "Now. If you say I am under arrest one more fucking time, I will throw you out of this goddamn window," I said, pointing a hoof over at the huge stained glass panes to my right, "are we clear? Because if we aren't, one of you, actually most of you, are going to have a few broken bones." Yeah, now they were scared, although maybe the bloodied body of the batpony behind me had something to do with it.

"I said, ARE WE FUCKING CLEAR!?" Apparently being a princess gave one access to the Royal Canterlot Voice, which was kinda sweet. Oh yeah, it also sent the fuckers back against the door, terror evident in their eyes. So, they just teared up, nodded their heads, and fucking ran.

Now, usually I'm a nice person, but maybe answering lots of stupid questions had pissed me off a bit more then I'd let on, also, I was sick and fucking tired of these guys trying to arrest me! Had I nod made it fucking clear enough that they couldn't do that shit? Fuck it, one of these days I'll make a public announcement. One of these days.

Author's Note

I don't know what I'm doing at all! I had an idea, and then I went off that, and then the violence came later. I don't know, it kinda advances things, a little bit. Also, what're you gonna do when someone throws a shield at the back of your head? I mean, really, fucker was asking for it. But annnnnnyway, hope you find this amusing, and before you ask, yes the next chapter will involve angry Lulu.

Stay crazy, you fuckers ~ Your friendly neighborhood magic pony princess, The Zealot